Sadistic Metal Reviews 11-26-2016

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We get this poop in the mail. We don’t trash it unlike our readership, we use it for target practice with our AR-15s!

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Irillion – Egledhron (2016)
Irillion attempt to play progressive black metal in long disjointed, multi-part compositions constructed around simple riffs that could be effective when not relied upon as a crutch. Irillion wear them out until they droop like sleeve of wizard on Egledhron in the name of promoting some sort of romantic South American nationalism or nature being evil or some other concept that doesn’t really relate to the music being played on the record. Everything is disjointed and boring and I am surprised I listened to this three times in a row to try to grok what was going on. Egledhron is your typical z-list black metal release that not even a rehash label like Iron Bonehead pounced on for good reason. The band isn’t totally incompetent at playing their instruments yet their material is one hundred percent emasculated as it stands; the band need more interesting riffs and to melodically unite everything together.

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Ricardo Remédio – Natureza Morta (2016)
Dark ambient music that reminds me of Popol Vuh meets industrial but of course not nearly as effective. This isn’t awful unlike the “metal” reviewed below. I got through about half of this album before being bored and chugging a vinegared bottle of red wine my ex-girlfriend left in my fridge. Fuck you and your sad life Alexandra. You want this dick.

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The Cavemen – Born to Hate (2016)
The Cavemen do not even try to play metal despite sending us their promotional material. The Cavemen play pre-hardcore punk rock with inspirations and dissonant chord progressions from post-hardcore folded back in. Somebody could actually legitimately enjoy this music. I don’t as I’m an alcoholic who wants to listen to Ildjarn and Immortal and kill everyone but somebody who drives a truck or something could actually enjoy this. Unlike the pathetic attempts at “metal” reviewed below, The Cavemen were probably not born to bag groceries.

Recitations – The First of the Listeners (2016)
Boring post-rock pretending to be death and black metal. Kill them all. Cast them into the furnace of a large building and hear them scream.

Fenris – …en doodenakkers tot den horizon (2016)
Carnival music deathcore focused around vocals rather than riffs. Boring dreck.

Vorvaň – Once Love Was Lost (2016)
Post-hardcore focused metalcore. Dissonant, later Gorguts riffing pushes this above the Gothenburg / Slaughter of the Soul worshippers but it’s still metalcore, still annoying, and fails at metal.

Arriver – Emeritus (2016)
The first track is boring Gorguts worship trying to be “hard as fuck bro” like Pantera. Later ones evoke technical speed metal, post hardcore, and atmospheric sludge bullshit. Arriver can’t decide what they want to be and are incapable of doing anything well.

Beyond Chronicles – Human Nation (2016)
Typical Gothenburg metalcore with clean choruses and breakdowns. Zero. Kill yourself.

Endalok – Englaryk (2016)
Boring atmospheric hipster drone shilled as black metal by Kim Kelly, fat pierced hog purveyor of crab claw handjobs. Go back to Iceland and jump in a volcano.

Rapheumet’s Well – The Exile (2016)
Tech deaf with orchestral samples. Take one of the more random Unique Leader bands, add in a bunch of Emperor style melotrons, some female vocals from the keyboard girl, and Dimmu Borgir for an infestation of HIV

Moase – Vertigo (2016)
Boring post-metal bullshit. Is anyone reading this? Masturbation is more fun than Moase.

Craving – By The Storm (2016)
Renaissance fair metalcore crap for neckbeards who wear lederhosen and practice historical martial arts. Come at me bro; I have an AR-15.

Doro – Raise Your Fist In The Air (2016)
Why does this grandmother want to attempt to play “heavy metal”? This sounds like some power pop Shania Twain would sing over to evoke feelings of female empowerment in 30 year old white women in 1996. Somebody should steal Doro’s dentures so she will be forced to eat only apple sauce and mashed potatoes for a few hours.

Mindscar – Thornz (2012)
Minscar play random technical deaf metalcore. Mindscar need to listen to Suffocation until they grasp what death metal is and want to kill everyone.

Mindscar – Ashes (2013)
What’s with the metalcore Mindscar? I feel like listening to two of your releases in a row makes me the same as those hopeless losers who date fat women in the hope of shaming them into losing weight and approaching a normal bodyweight where sexual intercourse would be possible. If Mindscar want to play metal, they need to grasp what a riff is. I recommend they crank Master of Reality until they want to plough down a bunch of Slavs in a tank.

Mindscar – What’s Beyond the Light (2016)
More metalcore. These idiots don’t learn. Let them get shot by police for protesting Trump’s triumph.

Upon Shadows – Geometry of Music (2016)
Sludge doom idiocy for retards. Bullet to the back of the head.

Moanaa – Passages (2016)
Post metal for ‘tards. Why couldn’t ISIS flamethrower these guys in that metal cage instead of that Jordanian pilot?

Daedaelian Complex – The Rise of Icarus (2016)
Dimmu Borgir meets metalcore. This is proof there is no god.

Eyexist – The Digital Holocaust (2016)
Brutal chug death with atmospheric interludes and bridges and shit. Do you know who should have perished in the Holocaust? Eyexist’s grandparents. The world would’ve been a better place.

Claustrofobia – Download Hatred (2016)
Zika infested vocally focused chug brutal death metal failture with no real riffs and the riffs are written like shitty speed metal meets hardcore. I want to smear my shit on their faces. Maybe they have Zika. Maybe they should be shot so as to no longer leech social services for their microcephaly.

Echelon – The Brimstone Aggrandizement (2016)
Dave Ingram (Benediction) and Rogga Johansson (Every shitty modern Swedish band) play rock music pretending to be death metal yet again just like in Down Amongst the Dead Men but without that crusty edge. Most unfulfilling, can’t stop me from deleting.

Path of Sorrow – Fearytales (2016)
Deathcore pretending to be Swedish Death Metal like Entombed or something. More like Failure Tells amirite?

Stench Price – Stench Price (2016)
Random party metal hardcore band who called in a bunch of D-list metal guys to elevate their pizza parlor punk crap. This is not grindcore, this is shit.

Spiritus Mortis – The Year is One (2016)
Stoner rock pretending to be heavy metal liek Black Sabbath and doom like Candlemass or Witchfinder General. Kill them with fire. Send these idiots back to the fat STD-infested fat women who haunt bar rock shows. Hopefully they will get neuro syphilis and die in 30 years.

Narthraal – Chainsaw Killing Spree (2016)
Stoner doom rockers pretending to be death metal like Incantation and Entombed on two tracks in one shitty EP. No, you’re not death metal, you’re bar rockers. Go back to playing some shitty Irish pub for fifty year old dads and lot lizards.

Shambles – Realm of Darkness Shrine (2016)
Riffless war metal bullshit trying to be Autopsy so they don’t even blast blast blast. Die.

Wendigoth – Alone in the Crowd (2016)
Deathcore pretending to be progressive rock. Shoot them.

Krupskaya – Foible Instinct (2016)
Metalcore meets lame hipster “black metal” crap. Agalloch died. You should too Krupskaya. I would be happy to inject the fatal overdose.

Sound Storm – Vertigo (2016)
Kill yourself metalcore people and low testosterone symphonic power metal faggots. The metalcore genocide is now in affect at Death Metal Underground. You will be degraded and impaled upon iron spikes before being roasted in the furnace. We are Vlad and you are a stupid Turkish Islamic fanatic waiting to be shishkebabed in the behind!

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39 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews 11-26-2016”

  1. Rainer Weikusat says:

    Doro has been around for a while and some people really like this:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsjNUUcfy8g

    That’s Doro w/ Amon Amarth, Rock am Ring 2016. Not suitable for minors or people with a low resistance to infection. Enter at own risk.

    1. Oy vey says:

      AA is trash as always but their singer still got great lows

      1. Rainer Weikusat says:

        Dueting with Doro Pesch will be hard to beat in this respect. An album of One Direction covers could do.

  2. Buttfucking brutality says:

    Fuckin’ brutal

  3. Anthony says:

    I forgot all about Popol Vuh! It’s been years since I listened to them. Thanks for the reminder!

  4. Get Napalm On Them says:

    Black Hills 5.56 77gr TMK

  5. Iceman says:

    Every time I read Maarats reviews it feels like I’m reading a pissed off adolescent who’s desperately trying to fill the shoes of Brett Stevens. Instead of the reviews being vulgar yet witty they’re just vulgar and juvenile.

    1. PPK says:

      Yep. Sounds like a 12 year old boy desperately trying to sound edgy. Some pretty cringeworthy stuff in this.

    2. Hræsvelgr says:

      He does actually say “I’m an alcoholic who wants to listen to Ildjarn and Immortal and kill everyone” in one of the reviews above. Might explain the quality of writing on this site lately …

      By the way, Lance Viggiano also mentioned dipsomanic tendencies in a comment a while back …

      #makedmugreatagain #firelanceviggiano #sendmaarattorehab

      1. Immanentist says:

        Hahahahhaha they’re way better than David Rosales! Also you misspelled #FIREDANCE again. He’s a fyah dansah!

        1. Hræsvelgr says:

          No, and no!

          Lance doesn’t understand the music he tries to review and seemingly-12-year-old Maarat is more interested in whining about “leftists” and his crush on Kim Kelly than writing about music.

          I much prefer David Rosales, despite his intellectual obtuseness and misrepresentations of references. And where’s that Anton Rudrick guy?

          1. Vigilance says:

            Aesthetic experiences, the class of experience art falls into, are not intellectual in nature. The assertion that another person doesn’t “understand” is baseless as the experience of music is non rational. There is an intellectual formulation in its composition but an understanding at that level is absolutely distinct from its appreciation.

            If you’re going to criticize another person’s intellectual facilities; you might want to make sure your own thinking is in order first.

            1. Hræsvelgr says:

              There is of course more than one way in which one might understand something. Since we’re discussing music and not mathematics or theoretical physics I thought my meaning was clear from context, namely that, judging by your articles on this site, you, at least in most cases, fail to understand/grasp/get/appreciate/sense the aesthetic/expressive essence of the music you try to review, in the sense espoused by this site and its forbear through the years. You fail to see the forest for all the trees, if you will.

              Now, since I can’t read your mind nor make its contents available for anyone to see and since one could of course choose to interpret your writings any which way one fancies, I cannot prove this, so the explanation given in the previous paragraph will have to suffice.

              1. Vigilance says:

                I’m well aware of my departures from prozak. Others may be content to work with his findings whereas I feel no such obligation. I’m only tasked with abiding by DMU quality standards. If you have a problem with this, then perhaps try insisting that all authors cease development of their own aesthetic sense and simply do their best impression of his.

          2. David Rosales says:

            Intellectual obtuseness? I don’t know what you mean exactly but I am close minded and I have no problem with that. I am not interested in discussing and following long strands of philosophical arguments down rabbit holes in the imaginations of people. I gather its generally a waste of time and experience and a communication of that experience-derived understanding is far more useful and leading to reality.

            Misrepresentation of references? I understand this one even less. You mean representing them as I want instead as what they are (((supposed))) to be like?

          3. Vigilance says:

            Also, why is it that the criticism always ends in the charge itself rather than its explanation? Is it because the end of the phrase: “you don’t understand” is the point at which you caught yourself drooling on your keyboard?

      2. Syphilis says:

        Can`t have defectives writing on DMU.

        Weikusat should start writing articles instead, he is clearly autistic enough and gives insight into things, even if trivial.

        1. Vigilance says:

          Heil yeah brother, boot out the defectives and replace them with abstract personas of purity who posses only the most desirable traits.

          1. Syphilis says:

            DMU should be a good influence to everyone.

            1. Vigilance says:

              DMU is comprised of music critics not moral exemplars. Crack open a beer.

  6. Rainer Weikusat says:

    Kim Kelly hammering some nails into her coffin:

    https://noisey.vice.com/en_us/article/welcome-winter-with-icelandic-black-metal-newcomers-endalok

    Despite all her insideness, she seems to be unaware that a demo is not a rehearsal tape and that these used to (and probably still are) both intended to be sold and used to pitch a band to labels.

    Sentences like this one also have to be appreciated: Unlike many of their peers, Endalok’s take on black metal is far removed from the knotty complexities we’ve come to expect from that particular scene. Unlike pretty much any black metal I’ve heard so far, this is indeed far removed from anything »complex«, that is, something with a recognizable structure, eg, music, it’s more like electric guitar static noise put through a reverb effect plus someone vomiting in a distant corner of a large, dark hall. No one would want to call this ‘like’ something as delicate as the way the bass is used for accentuation in To Walk The Infernal Fields or the Transilvanian Hunger ‘melody built from dissonances’ or the barrage of chords starting Pure Fucking Armageddon (I could have used newer examples here).

    And why should anyone like this? so you can say you were into them before they really popped off, it’s new and it’s obscure and if jump onto the bandwaggon now, you can later boast what a trensetter you were in front of all your friends! That’s indeed what it’s all about, Fraeulein Kim.

    1. GGALLIN1776 says:

      She needs to stop writing & start showering. That gross gash probably has stalagtites that speak by now.

      1. Rainer Weikusat says:

        Considering that she is likely (among other things) a metal(?) socialite, that’s not a very probable theory as people with a persistent want of personal hygenie are simply intolerable, even among mammals whose sense of smell is so underpowered as that of average humans, and despite the strong, social taboos in this area. Openly speculating about this is also not useful, just more pearls on the “men/people who just can’t cope with a headstrong, intelligent woman” necklace. It’s also not particularly interesting as the physical person »Kim Kelly«, whatever her properties may be (whoever believes to have information about this is herbey politely requested to write them on a piece of paper and eat that), is limited to affecting her immediate surroundings.

        1. You should apply the programming principle of brevity to your use of non programming languages.
          You are a programmer, right?
          No one wants to read bloated code, and neither does any one want to read bloated English.

          1. As inefficient code makes a program use more resources and possibly run slower, so does inefficient English to the human brain.

          2. Rainer Weikusat says:

            The principle of »I can’t be arsed« in practice:

            https://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2009/05/software_proble.html
            [first item]

            This text is too impolite. TAANSTAFL.

        2. -_- says:

          Obviously you’ve never had firsthand experience with feminist pussy.

          1. Rainer Weikusat says:

            That’s wrong for a variety of possible definitions. And besides the point.

      2. Immanentist says:

        Do you think she has worms? It wouldn’t surprise me if she has worms.

        1. Rainer Weikusat says:

          This kind of stuff feeds directly into the »Kim Kelly legend« outlets like MetalSucks are eager to maintain and spread. Why do you want to help her doing what she does?

      3. Necronomeconomist says:

        GGALLIN1776, it’s true what Ranier Wieskat says; it’s useless to make such nonsensical insults. We have no reason to think the chick has stalagtites and needs to shower or whatever, and saying so just obfuscates her actual negative qualities.

        Wait, what were those, again?

        1. Rainer Weikusat says:

          […] her negative qualities […] what were those, again?

          Unintelligible to her fans: Hyping bad icelandic noise bands as “emerging black metal trend everyone needs to get into NOW”, for instance.

          1. Necronomeconomist says:

            Hahah, I just meant… I forget the cause for the Kim Kelley hatefest. She said Dragonforce was racist?

            1. Rainer Weikusat says:

              I forget the cause for the Kim Kelley hatefest. She said Dragonforce was racist?

              My knowledge of Dragonforce history is smaller than yours (it’s essentially 0) but the “18 years ago [counting from 2014], some guy you’re still acquainted with shouted »Heil Hitler!« on a recording and YOU were in the band !!!” interview,

              https://noisey.vice.com/en_uk/article/dragonforce-demoniac-interview

              is surely another HellKell diamond.

              1. Social Ontologist a.k.a. Asocial Aosothist a.k.a. The Optimal Thalamus says:

                Apparently your knowledge of Drag ‘n Force history is EQUAL to mine. However, you didn’t answer his question, and that is a failure on your part. Failure to understand the basic premises of this entire web architecture, leading into our social infrastructure. You better hope you can wise up and rectify this, without resort to uppity insouciance nor a disdain pugillist.

                1. Rainer Weikusat says:

                  Left yesterday, wasn’t looking for analogue thyristors for unplugging the hole on the electrostatic potential plane, painting the unspeakable eggplant’s grandparent offspring with invisble colours, ferociously asleep at square wheel, hail Satanas Klaus-Mueller Dachpappe!

  7. Anthony says:

    That is one nasty looking ropey-ass dump by the way. What the fuck did you eat?

  8. GGALLIN1776 says:

    How much would it cost to bang Doro & The Great Kat? Kat in particular needs genital surgery of impalement.
    Ya know what,forget Toro…just give me Kat & we’ll call it even.

Comments are closed.