Nifelheim – Nifelheim (1995)
Black ‘n’ roll bullshit. If Motorhead were a panzer division slaughtering the innocent and massacring the weak, Nifelheim are animated skeleton bikers in leather jackets, road raging with morning stars, and doing wheelies on a Saturday morning cartoon. That is what this rock album evokes in me.
Candle – Demo 2016 (2016)
Candle play random and generic heavy metal. The instrumentation is competent but the songs need definite work and frequently slow down, becoming boring for no goddamn reason other than so drunks can show Candle their lighters at bar shows where they would otherwise be singing along to Journey. Candle have potential if they can write their own unique material instead of being one step from a cover band and a local opener to be laughed at like most of the modern metal bands praised by the mainstream and funderground media.
Unaussprechlichen Kulten – Keziah Lilith Medea (Chapter X) (2017)
A Wiccan Deathspell Omega slowed down and somehow made even more boring. Unaussprechlichen Kulten make me want to catch some ZZZzzzs. Throw this record into a wood chipper.
Ekpyrosis – Asphyxiating Devotion (2017)
Riff salad Incantaclone with random speed metal breakdowns. Sounds like a deathcore band trying to toughen up. Sadistic Intent if they mentally disabled. Definitely wood chipper death.
The Ritual Aura – Tæther (2017)
Power metalcore. Zero point zero. Kill yourselves in a wood chipper.
The Committee – Memorandum Occultus (2017)
Hammerheart with blast beasts made more boringer is not good. Stick your limbs into a wood chipper and bleed to death in the woods. Wounds will fester with flies.
Weltesser – Crestfallen (2017)
Stoner doom rock with high-gain guitar tone is still stoner doom rock. Wood chipper.
NORÐ – Alpha (2017)
2001 MTV Nu-metal like Linkin Park. Wood chipper. Watch for sparks from the ear gauges meeting the shredders.
The Nightstalker – A Journey Into Hell (2017)
Dark ambient meets dad rock for outdoor blues festivals. Wood chipper
Spectral – Arctic Sunrise (2017)
Melodeaf Amon Amarth worshipers. Nothing to see here. Move along and throw them into a wood chipper so their guys can be used as landing pad for children jumping from swing.
Digir Gidim – I Thought There Was the Sun Awaiting My Awakening (2017)
Black ‘n’ roll bullshit. Wood chipper for sure.
The Final Sleep – I (2017)
Metalcore crap. Definitely wood chipper
Harvest Gulgaltha – Altars of Devotion (2017)
Stoner doom rock trying to be Demoncy. My eyes are rolling back at how boring this is. The bands; eyes are rolling back due to drug abuse. Wood chipper head first.
Gothic – Demons (2017)
Deathcore. Of course throw in wood chipper.
Mean Messiah – Hell (2017)
Deathcore is not deathmetal. Get this through your heads you numbskulls. Death metal is metal; deathcore is punk pretending to be metal for idiots with eyebrow piercings. Another for wood chipper. We need an entire saw mill today
Draugurinn – Myrkraverk (2017)
Icelandic ambient music pretending to be black metal for hipster idiots. If they really live in the woods, there will be a wood chipper nearby.
Tervahäät – Kalmonsäie (2017)
Finnish folk music. Not metal. Doesn’t make me want to powerdrill my skull as it’s not pretending to be metal at all. Not worth touching for headbangers, only worth wood chipper.
Skogen – Eld (2012)
Folky black ‘n’ roll for hipsters who attend Renaissance Faires and drink mead. They pick their smegma in the portajohn before getting in line for the leg of meat without washing their hands. Nobody likes smegma meat. Fat in their folds will lubricate wood chipper
Black Alley Lobotomy – Crack In Lapa (2016)
Sludgy hardcore pretending to be grindcore. Listen to Repulsion you knuckleheads and jump right in the wood chipper.
Ande – Het Gebeente (2017)
Boring black ‘n’ roll era Darkthrone worship. Wood chipper.
Anomalie – Visions (2017)
Emasculated hipster black ‘n’ roll metalcore for dickless men. Did Anomalie stick their dicks in a wood chipper to see what would happen?
Apostate Viaticum – Before the Gates of Gomorrah (2017)
Immolation based speed metalcore. I feel constipated from listening to this crap. Definitely wood chipper material.
Resonance Cascasde / Jarnbord – Hyperakusi (2017)
Lame hardcore split with recycled riffs pretending to be grindcore. Wood chipper.
FayTree – Syphoning the Human (2017)
Female-fronted, Pantera-influenced deathcore. Wood chipper head first beeyatch.
Beneath a Godless Sky – Beneath a Godless Sky (2017)
Deathcore bullshit. Never release any music again. Jump in the wood chipper.
Thormesis – Trümmerfarben (2017)
Slowed-down metalcore pretending to be black metal. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. Please just jump off a cliff into a wood chipper.
In Thousand Lakes – Age of Decay (2017)
Sing-along Gothenburg metalcore. Wood chipper
Consummation – Ritual Severance (2017)
Idiotic random Deathspell Omega worship. Wood chipper.
Falls of Rauros – Vigilance Perennial (2017)
Hipster indie rock pretending to be black metal like Deafheaven and Liturgy. Go die in the woods in an unfortunate wood chipper accident.
Thybreath – Where the Gods Fall (2017)
Lamb of God worshipping metalcore. Why even release this? Why not just take a powerdrill to your bandmate’s skulls? Then you would be infamous as the Power Drill Killer and certainly more well-known than a shitty Pantera worshipper. You could then be surrounded by police and commit suicide with a wood chipper.
Divine Element – Thaurauchs of Borsu (2017)
Generic Gothenburg style metal. Hooky pop rock songwriting. Wood chipper.
Witchapter – Spellcaster (2017)
Metalcore band with hard rock riffs trying to be black and doom metal with a dirty production and failing. Send Witchapter to the wood chipper. Feet first.
Crimson Sun – Towards the Light (2017)
Female-fronted metalcore. Wood chipper, vocalist goes head first, rest feet.
Norunda- Irruption (2017)
Hard rock with speed metal chugs. Still hard rock. Wood chipper feet first.
Deathless Leagacy – Dance With Devils (2017)
Female fronted hard rock pretending to be power metal. Wood chipper.
Fen – Winter (2017)
Screamo indie rock pretending to be black metal. Wood chipper.
Acrimonious – Eleven Dragons (2017)
Wall paper, bluesy metalcore pretending to be death and black metal. Wood chipper.
Eshtadur – Mother Gray (2017)
Deathcore. Wood chipper arm first.
Tags: acrimonious, ande, anomalie, apostate viaticum, beneath a godless sky, black 'n roll, black alley lobotomy, boring, candle, consumation, crimson sun, Death Fortress, death metal, deathcore, deathless legacy, digir gidim, divine element, draugurinn, ekpyrosis, elevator music, eshtadur, falls of rauros, faytree, fen, fubar, gothic, harvest gulgatltha, in thousand lakes, jarnbord, kjeld, mean messiah, metalcore, nifelheim, norunda, NORÐ, resonance cascade, sadistic metal reviews, sielunvihollinen, skogen, spectral, tervahäät, the committee, the nightstalker, the ritual aura, thormesis, thybreath, unaussprechlichen kulten, weltesser, witchapter