Sadistic Metal Reviews: Sunday Funday!

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Today’s F-grade death metal is brought to you by Corey M.

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Mortuary – Nothingless than Nothingless (2016)
The opening track is made up of the same chords for two and a half minutes. That the drummer can play five different beats over the chord progressions illustrates the pointlessness of the progression. This happens with most of the progressions in any given song – the drum beat is switched up in middle of the passage. Why does the band even bother writing these progressions if they’re so boring that not even the band wants to hear them played with the same beat for four cycles straight? This is the kind of “metal” that fans of modern “hardcore” get into. I can practically hear the PETA stickers and Vans shoes. You needn’t listen long to hear the influences – Pantera, Rob Zombie, and various Warped Tour-tier metalcore. At least Mortuary spared us any ironic rap verses or shout-outs.

 

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Phobocosm – Bringer of Drought (2016)
Though it was easy to feel optimistic about Phobocosm’s future based on 2014’s Deprived (which this author still recommends – C.M.), it’s now time to give up on the band. Bringer of Drought shows Phobocosm embracing the Deathspell Omegacore post-modern metal virus, complete with songs of absurdly excessive length, mind-numbing guitar drones, artsy-fartsy dissonant chords that ring and grate, and minimal blasting-riffing which is the one part (all of about two minutes) that still sounds like death metal. The term “sellout” is severe and reserved for dire circumstances, but in this case it applies; Phobocosm has abandoned their obscure malevolence and Immolation-style warped riffcraft in favor of inoffensive but “deep”-sounding D-grade post-rock (see also: Adversarial). People who hate metal are the target audience.

 

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Ferium – Behind the Black Eyes (2016)
Extremely repititous, faux-angry-man vocals set to white-boy groove-metal rhythms. Choppy, math-rock-wannabe drum beats. Guitars that barely even play melodies, just semi-random notes on whatever beats the drummer somehow decides to play. My guess is that he is using a random number generator, or maybe a set of dice, to decide the rhythm. One cringe-inducing track made up of three piano chords and a whining voice repeating “She feels like home”. Mix all these ingredients in a big rusty pot, heat over an open flame til melted to a liquid, apply liberally to your (or a consenting partner’s) scrotum, and then revel in searing agony. Recommended for fans of being raped.

 

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NilExistence – Existence in Revelation (2016)
Terrible band name, terrible title, and terrible art aside, this is some tastefully brutal blasting with skillful musicianship and some evocative riffing. The vocals quickly become overbearing, which is a shame, since the intriguing Morbid Angel-style riffs sway to and fro, one moment up-close and vicious like a buzzsaw held to your face, the next distant and vast like a yawning cavern begging to swallow you whole. As usual with bands that try this, NilExistence trip on their own artillery by crashing together too many dissimilar riffs, like pages of a book shredded and then glued back together at random. These songs lack focus and therefore lack identity but something good may come out of these guys if they stay true to their influences and reign in the random deviations.

 

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Hemotoxin – Biological Enslavement (2016)
Human-era Death worship by competent musicians with a keen sense of exactly how much melodic variance per riff it takes to keep a listener’s attention from wandering. This could be a strength rather than a handicap but the riffs aren’t related through anything other than temporal closeness. The feeling of each song jumps from here to there with little rhyme or reason. Slow, chugging sections interrupt tremolo-picked blasting segments, then vice-versa. Occasionally, a tasty guitar lead explodes out of nowhere and then vanishes without so much as a trace of smoke, leaving us longing and dissatisfied. Lyrically we get a mish-mash of edgy lyrics about homelessness and suicide that seem to hint toward some insincere positivity by outlining gruesome subjects in a “profound” light. This all makes for a very frustrating listen since it’s apparent that the band care much for their presentation and musicianship but lack the crucial element that makes metal tolerable: the natural intuition required to coherently structure songs. Sound familiar yet?
Not even AIDS can keep Chuck in the grave.

 

4.1.1

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28 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Sunday Funday!”

  1. ted says:

    This now semi-hipster site occassionally praises the same garbage that belongs in the sadistic review bin. With metal being dead since the early 90’s, I’ve yet to be convinced why anyone would bother flogging this dead horse. Just grow up, shut down this damn site and find something else, more meaningful in life.

    And fuck all these Tobacco articles also.

    1. The author praised Phobocosm, not DMU. Why don’t you take it up with him and go listen to Miley Cyrus?

    2. C.M. says:

      I’m not completely cut out for sadistic reviews; I find some good even in mostly terrible releases. It would be dishonest to ignore those bits. There is no unwarranted positivity here, I think.

    3. Poser Patrol says:

      Oh fuck off, it’s not like Brett hasn’t endorsed poop bands before.

      1. Robert says:

        Which bands do you consider poop? There are a few I don’t like but Brett’s generally been on point with every band he’s recommended.

        1. Poser Patrol says:

          here are some examples that spring to mind, there are more for sure:

          http://www.deathmetal.org/news/abysme-strange-rites/
          http://www.deathmetal.org/news/buried-treasures-adversary-forsaken-2001/

          also Bahimiron, War Master… pretty much any modern underground TX metal.

          Not that I hold it against him.

          1. Imprecation and War Master are good bands.

            1. Poser Patrol says:

              I agree Imprecation is a good band. I haven’t heard their latest album but the demo compilation from the 90s is great.

              Maybe it’s because I’m not big on Bolt Thrower but I don’t much like War Master. I feel like they’re one of those bands that Brett would have tossed in the “competent but mediocre” bin if they weren’t from Texas.

              1. The War Master LP continued the death metal of Warmaster that Bolt Thrower abandoned in favor of the doomier, more heavy metal based, progressive approach on The IVth Crusade and For Victory before they fell apart and started phoning it in. The EP is less refined and moves back to grinding Bolt Thrower and Carnage worship but is still a release worth owning.

                The Imprecation LP might be better than the demos. They’re certainly more competent musicians in middle age.

  2. vOddy says:

    Did Chuck Schildenger die of aids?

    1. Meek Metalhead says:

      Those who knew already died from aids.

    2. I blew my head off like Per Ohlin says:

      No, he had tumour in the brainstem and the resulting chemotherapy used to treat him made him weak to the point he contracted pneumonia.

      1. vOddy says:

        What’s the joke, then?
        Did he have sex with men?

        And therefore, “he had gay sex so he got aids hurr hurr”?

        1. Asspirate says:

          Chuck’s death is shrouded in some mystery. It was a brain tumor, but and then he got ill with pneumonia because of the treatment for cancer he was taking. Even the wikipedia page doesn’t explicitly say what was the cause of death. The thing is that pneumonia is a common cause of death among AIDS patients, so this fuels the suspicion, as well as Chuck’s antics which seem very… not straight (look up some of his interviews on youtube). His body was cremated, so we’ll never know if it’s just baseless rumors or a hidden truth.

        2. I blew my head off like Per Ohlin says:

          I’m too young to know the DMU inside jokes.

    3. Robert says:

      Yes, he did.

    4. Evil Chucky died of AIDS like Easy-E.

  3. Hey ANUS guys can you please review this German black metal band?
    At least it is a band that released albums when Varg Vikernes hadn’t killed Euronymous yet.

    Desaster – The Oath of an Iron Ritual

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOuF3vdtumw

    1. Desaster will be reviewed at some point. ANUS/DLA/DMU will be reviewing a bunch of overlooked black metal.

  4. Bert Stebbins says:

    This site needs more user participation, let’s brainstorm guys. Cock show and tell? Cock beauty pageant? Cock talent show? Let me know what you think.

    1. Only posting pictures of cocks is real, sorry.

      1. vOddy says:

        How can I contact you regarding an interview?

    2. Count Ringworm says:

      When attending death metal concerts are there any tricks to avoid the mandatory penis inspection?

    3. Robert says:

      Good idea! More cock reviews. Where do I submit pics and who do I submit my anus to?

  5. Can you survive the blitzkrieg says:

    Look at the slimy turds on that album cover! And hickory sticks is fucking bullshit, I am really fucking sick of that fake arty droney faggot shit sold as death metal. I actually liked some first go rounds of it but it’s just as much an obnoxious trend as stoner. Pretend heaviness, ” dude I am high, so everything I say is going to be really deep and abysmal and cataclysmic” *booooonnnng droooooooonnnne* I’ll take a Nunslaughter over that anyday OR we can take it back in the day when everyone had like 3, 5 if you were a diehard maniac, albums from a handful of bands and you got years of play and meditation off of them, a Ride The Lightning or Altars of Madness say. Anyone remember that?

  6. Actually chuck says:

    Hey guys spoiler I actually am chuck and have aids.

  7. Can you survive the blitzkrieg says:

    Everyone who likes Death is a spoiled rich suburban kid who “shreds”, it’s like the ideal ANUS audience isn’t.

    1. C.M. says:

      Boring argument, stems from the same stupidity that says black metal bands aren’t supposed to have guitar solos. If you take time to practice and become proficient with your instrument, you aren’t trookvlt!

      Leprosy and Spiritual Healing are valuable recordings. I enjoy Human from time to time… but only while joyriding in my dad’s BMW Z4.

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