Sadistic Metal Reviews: The Big Sleep for Bandcamp

It is time to put the piss-poor recommendations of these bonzos to bed. Forever.


Dead Congregation – Promulgation of the Fall (2014)
Dead Congregation have no reason to be on the list of “Incantaclones” and Dark Descent Records style “caverncore” bands. The Bandcamp writers are just deaf. Dead Congregation riff in the style of Immolation but without anything like Bob Vigna’s overarching virtuosic leads that provide narrative and properly conclude all the compositions. Leads on Promulgation of the Fall are rather mostly in the style of Hanneman & King so the tracks outcomes are based mostly on how well Dead Congregation fit the chromatic riffs together. Unlike the rest of the crap reviewed here, Promulgation of the Fall starts out by charging forward and successfully transitions into an effective doom track. Unfortunately Dead Congregation cannot successfully maintain such initiative and frequently stumble into stoner doom interludes and bridges that hinder the occasionally superb riff phrasing and mask sloppy transitions between riffs. When Promulgation of the Fall successfully moves forward melodically, it’s inspired; when it fails, it’s bouncy and boring. This CD is certainly not worth anyone committing suicide over and is the only one here worth bothering to listen to at all.


Incantation – Profane Nexus (2017)
Incantation are playing too cheerful sounding speed metal for compulsive collectors, autists, and the funderground. It’s time to stop releasing new records. Incantation jumping off the roof of a parking garage until their brains splatter out on asphalt wouldn’t be a bad idea for Incantation’s legacy. The band would certainly see an uptick in record sales.


Father Befouled – Desolate Gods (2017)
Father Befouled use Incantation licks as hooks in stoner doom deathcore for retards. Jump off the roof of a parking garage repeatedly until your brains splatter out on asphalt.


Encoffination – III – Hear Me, O’ Death (2014)
Ambient drone for strung out junkies. Jump off the roof of a parking garage until your brains splatter out on asphalt.


Grave Miasma – Endless Pilgrimage (2016)
Vocally-driven chugging wallpaper death ‘n’ roll for Wernicke-Korsakoff sufferers. Jump off the roof of a parking garage until your brains splatter out on asphalt.


Blood Incantation – Starspawn (2016)
Take Cynic. Strip out all the instrumental virtuosity, creativity, and speed until you have deathcore made by idiots high off from sniffing Axe deodorant body spray. Shill it to scenesters who want to socialize to guitar noodling. Get outta here with this House of Blues crap. Jump off the roof of a parking garage until your brains splatter out on asphalt.


Grave Upheaval – (No title) (2013)
Wall paper chromatic chugging ambient music for BDSM clubs. Not metal at all. Jump off the roof of a parking garage repeatedly until your brains splatter out on asphalt.


Portal – Vexovoid (2013)
Portal’s music always sounds like their mother is vacuuming the basement during their band practices. Jump off the roof of a parking garage repeatedly until your brains splatter out on asphalt.

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36 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: The Big Sleep for Bandcamp”

  1. Mallrat's tiny penis says... says:

    Please suck me.

    1. You know you want to.

      1. Brett > Rosales > Mallrat says:

        My lips only long for Brett’s hung schlong.

  2. Poseurs says:

    This site drips with AIDS.

    1. No, your gaping, red butthole does.

  3. Rainer Weikusat says:

    Hmm … did you listen to the Grave Miasma EP? The last time it featured here, it was criticized for being devoid of any recognizable structure, just composed of vaguely death-metal styled, indifferently blending background noises. The most prominent voice is the first guitar which (IIRC, I don’t have the time to relisten to all of it right now) is almost always played legato, ie, no ‘chugs’.

    Also, just because both guitar players play alternating leads on Promulgation of Fall doesn’t make this sound like Slayer which have a fairly distinctive style based on total disregard for conventional harmonics. Dead Congregation live far more on usual scales, just with some additional noise effects (including Vigna’s most beloved one).

    1. The answer Rainer, is to throw on some Archgoat and hate fuck a tranny.

      1. Rainer Weikusat says:

        http://www.deathmetal.org/tag/grave-miasma/

        The Stevens-review is much more to the point.

  4. Flying Kites says:

    Is the strategy to put a harmless pic at the top, in this case a far from horrbile but adorable one, and oppose it with a gruesome and sadistic one after the user has read through the reviews?

    1. Flying Kites says:

      Also, what’s with all the inverted chickens in that Incantation cover?

      1. bustin makes me feel good says:

        DUDE THIS WILL TOTALLY PISS OFF THE CHICKEN WORSHIPPERS WITH THEIR DUMBASS FOWL DEITY

    2. Psychic Psych Toad says:

      The yellow flower is a warming touch.

    3. HH says:

      you must be new

  5. Count Ringworm says:

    Good to know DC isn’t worth commiting suicide over. I’m on the lege of a building.

    But seriously, good reviews.

  6. Bestial Penetrator ov Inverted Phallus says:

    On every night, a different shemale cock
    On every night, I wish that could dock
    In tranny phallus, burrowed
    And with bestial lust, blow my.. LOOOOOOAD

    1. Poet of Perversity (infernal war metal rapist, good behaviour bond, consenting transvestite division) says:

      Thrust as I might, this shit is wack
      Gauntlets intact, I hear my ballbag slap
      There is no crime
      In the force that I rode
      Consenting yet unsuspecting trannies
      Re-modelled their god damn… CHODES!!!

  7. Thewaters says:

    Hey, Imprecation is in the studio recording their new album.

  8. Ord says:

    All these were appallingly bad from the brief previews i gave them. Realistically that isn’t much as I’m only ever going to look at the album covers for 2 seconds then take note that the writer wasn’t even recommending the shit (apart from a half-recommendation for Dead Congregation which is tame as fuck). Anyway, my vote probably goes to that live Incantation recording someone recommended for an example of something actually good in this general style. Obviously that’s saying something since its a style less relevant than even punk

  9. Thewaters says:

    Daniel.
    I.sent a bunch of news articles to you last week. Did you get those emails?

    1. Just got ’em all. I’ve been super busy. News is coming tonight and tomorrow as I finish these articles.

      1. thewaters says:

        Good. I hope they help! I will send any relevant news your way as I scan the swamp of the internet.

        check out the new Summoning teaser trailer. 1:30 of a new song (vocals are terrible)..lol..

        1. I heard that. Not good. This one is probably going to continue with the tamer progressive rock direction.

          1. Leinard Taraam says:

            10 minute snooze-fests does not automatically make your music progressive rock.

            The musical form of cummoning is much closer to techno.

            1. Well your band, Imposition, is Eurodisco Roger.

  10. I Sacrificed My ANUS To Brett Stevens says:

    Vat izt daz vnkvlt bvllshet? Zis ist rvbbvsh! Zvmp off ze ruf ov a pavking gavage vepetedzlee vntil vor branz splatta vot on zee zasvalt.

    1. bustin makes me feel good says:

      just cut it out rainer everyone knows its you

      1. Gorgowocoa says:

        that guy’s a fucking nazi

      2. Rainer Weikusat says:

        The other review sort-of matched the music, IOW, I can understand why someone could fail to recognize anything in Endless Pilgrimage beyond a continuous and structurless noise. That’s not my impression of it but the music is arguably quite dense.

        However, the claim that

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skn3VFz5pUM

        and

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6xRu_q9Rqg

        would be two examples of the same style (“death’n’roll”) is laughable.

      3. I Sacrificed My ANUS To Brett Stevens says:

        Mein gott, nein! I izt nat reinir ze vinir!

  11. Morbideathscream says:

    Purifying Consecrated Ground and Graves of the Archangels are the only worthwhile DC albums.

    Last good Incantation album was Diabolical Conquest. They’ve been releasing the same rehashed bullshit ever since, but you can say that for countless bands. I however do not wish them to jump off the roof of the parking lot or wish anything bad on them. They just need to stop releasing irrelevant filler albums.

    Father Befouled and Encoffination bored the fuck out of me when I saw them. Encoffination is the weakest band on the Mass Destruction bill and a poor choice for a replacement. Imprecation should be their place.

    I bought Grave Miasma’s first EP, pretty mediocre shit at best. I played that album maybe 3 times. Their latest offering is surely worse than that. Cruciamentum is far superior.

    Don’t understand the hype around Blood Incantation. Their music didn’t impress me and the band name is fucking stupid. I’m waiting for a band to call themselves “Flesh Immolation” haha. Maybe I should listen to them again, but the time someone played them for me it didn’t hold my interest.

    I know of Grave Upheavel, but haven’t listened to them. Probably not missing much.

    Portal is fucking retarded, never liked that band. Fucking pretentious bullshit.

    1. Poseurs says:

      You’re real cool.

      1. Morbideathscream says:

        I know, aren’t I?

  12. Dooge says:

    did somebody say something about skullfucking chickens?…Oh wait…that was me….

  13. Gorgowocoa says:

    That monkey-face when you pull out of a tranny and she almost bleed out and you know you jus desecrated a 25k perfectly sculpted work of surgical art #vinylkeepsspinning

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