/smr/ Sadistic Metal Reviews: Baby Gasser Edition

 

SADISTIC METAL REVIEWS

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HEAVY FUCKING METAL:

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>b-but I heard heavy metal is dead!

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http://www.deathmetal.org/review/


Northern – Desolate Ways to Ultima Thule

Previous album under the name Cold Northern Vengeance showed finesse in navigating through long arrangements within the harmonic minor scale and though not a perfect record, there was a lot of potential on display. Rather than building on the previous effort, we are treated to some Korplikaani synths and drunken hardcore at times. In an attempt to diversify their sound through the addition of other aesthetics, Northern have shot themselves in the foot. Repeating the riff from Freezing Moon a million times is not a good idea neither. Let’s not mention the laughable Burzum cover as well. A real shame as the two last metal songs on the album are very solid melodic black metal.  Especially Exaltation from the grave which is a well executed epic though suffering from continuity issues and droning on too much. Northern need to cast aside celebrity aspirations as this will never happen and should focus on what got them there in the first place. Remove all but the last two songs.

 

Cave In – Jupiter

Some guy died from some random band and we are supposed to care? Idiotic droning metalcore with some of the most laughable attempts at growling. The songs never progress beyond two chords and let terrible vocals that make St Anger era Hetfield sound like a god. Some of the basic rock parts are just below average but hopefully this death can spare us from the terrible music of this band. Replace with white noise to heal your ears, if what you listen to affects your intelligence, I have lost far too many IQ points listening to this.

Daath – The Hinderers

Back in the day Roadrunner tried to pass this off as Death metal. This is Pantera with industrial sound effects. A complete lack of riffs and empty showy guitars do not equate Death metal. The industrial elements make this too embarrassing for even the Hot Topic crowd to enjoy. This deserves a chapter in the bible of how not to make good music. Replace With The Chasm-Deathhcult For Eternity: The Triumph. An underrated album that deserves attention.

Bleeding Through Set Me Free (single)

Why does Metalcore need to timestamp itself so much? Bleeding Through were your typical thrash/melodeath riffs, keyboards, clean choruses breakdown band. Now the sound is so 2005 that to keep with the low expectations of this style, Bleeding Through combine modern plastic blast beats, continuous breakdowns over a simple keyboard melody and a hilarious mid passage hipster black section. This is not a composition just a random collage. Replace with actual compositions.

The Faceless In Becoming A Ghost

Steal the keyboards from Dimmu Borgir, take the soft parts from Opeth, the riffs from Deathspell Omega, every terrible metalcore vocal style and then get Necrophagist to play this mess. This guitarist has a heroin addiction so crippling that he’s rumored to backtrack (play a recording of) his solos during live shows.  This absolute enslavement to the life destroying narcotic is painfully obvious throughout the album.  Hopefully this band continues to cancel shows, mistreat members and steal money from those stupid enough to pay for this.  Circus music that never stops randomly switching to entertain monkeys. Replace with Atheist’s Unqestionable Presence for actual Death metal.

Fleshgod Apocalypse – King

Having written some better than most “tech-death” earlier in their career with Oracles, these Italians had a lot of momentum in being the band to add credibility to the genre but unfortunately they have failed repeatedly and King is the failure that buries this project forever.  Epic choirs and romantic piano everywhere show a limited and shallow understanding of classical music and relegate it to an aesthetic gimmick as typical commercial modern death metal drowns everything else out. Pop sections and cheesy power metal melodies that try emulate the grandeur of such music to the simple minded listener fail to impress. Classical music will always make people feel smarter about themselves and that is the ultimate way to get people to spend. Those who stole Fleshgod Apocalypse’s gear, we salute you. Replace with Massacra’s Final Holocaust for a band with a real understanding for both genres.

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36 thoughts on “/smr/ Sadistic Metal Reviews: Baby Gasser Edition”

  1. Rainer Wekushit says:

    Please do a TRANSMETAL review.

    1. NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist says:

      Yes dude! Transmetal! My non shemale music metal brothers in tranny raping!

      1. S.C. says:

        Trans(rape)metal

        1. Charles Stuart says:

          Didn’t we already have this in the 90s with rap(e)-rock? Transition against the machine?

          1. S.C. says:

            Rock against cock! Menstruation metal mania!

            1. Connoiseur of trannies says:

              Well blood does taste like iron

              1. S.C. says:

                And iron is good for men! It’s called alchemy!

                1. I am the wack blizzards says:

                  Law of equivalent exchange bitch

    2. Rainer Weikusat says:

      Lost its balls and went tits-up.

  2. I am the wack blizzards says:

    Did you just now get a promo for Jupiter or something? Cuz that shit came out 18 years ago and was broadly considered silly back then

    You’re so late to the bash party bro, were you in diapers in 2000 or sumfin?

    1. Nicholas Vahdias says:

      nah was only born 10 years after this came out mate. No but seriously it was in response to how overplayed the guy’s death was.

  3. you suck says:

    I listened to A Chapter Of Accidents three times in a row yesterday.

    1. T. Desecration says:

      Shit man that brings back memories of my Goregrind-obsessed High School days. I’ve calmed down since, only Conqueror and Revenge for me please thank you!

      1. whatever is dead says:

        and heresiarch for when i wanna fuck.

  4. Review the new Rivers of Nihil. That album have too much praise nowadays

    1. Nicholas Vahdias says:

      I just read your review in Spanish and from what you said it was terrible

    2. rivers of fanboy tears says:

      but it has saxophones!!!

    3. Neutered soyboy bullshit says:

      Wimpy post rock faggotry masquerading as “progressive death metal”.

  5. Charles Stuart says:

    “This deserves a chapter in the bible of how not to make good music.” – Fucking hilarious.

  6. Coolest Monkey In The Jungle says:

    Wikipedia article on Cave In:

    “Following news of his death, prominent figures in the metal community showed their support, including members of Converge, Jesu, Every Time I Die, The Red Chord and Isis, among others.”

    The metal community has spoken…

    1. whatever is dead says:

      the term “metal community” always sounds stupid to me.

      1. I am the wack blizzards says:

        Any modern group of consumers calling themselves a community is retarded

        They aren’t a community, they’re a demographic

        The only thing that binds them together is their choice of shit they waste money on

        1. LostInTheANUS says:

          The gay community?

          1. I am the wack blizzards says:

            My statement applies to any community which is defined by what it consumes more than what it produces

        2. whatever is dead says:

          well put

  7. Marc Defranco says:

    Fleshlight a dick lips

  8. Joe says:

    What is the shit about Syria in there for?

    I thought this site was about making metal music intellectually and artistically respectable.

    Instead, it seems more intend on driving this music into the dank depths of fucking 4chan. WAY TO GO!!!

    The latter outcome is pretty much the opposite of the former.

    1. Nicholas Vahdias says:

      hmm read the reviews and the analyses that are constantly pouring out from this site. Sometimes it is important to look at the worst being made and to mock it

      1. Joe says:

        I don’t your reply, sorry.

        I am assuming that meme image at the top of the post is signalling to 4chan autists to come read the site.

        If this is true, then it doesn’t sit well with the goal of making metal intellectually and artistically respectable.

  9. neutronhammer says:

    Please do a special on Triangle and serpent-core BM! alternatively i’d like to see the new Ascension album getting ripped to shreds

    1. I am the wack blizzards says:

      Also maybe Woe and The Howling Wind? Does that stuff count? It sucks anyway

      1. neutronhammer says:

        Woes’s been SMR’d before, but yes, as general rule anything on Profound Lore is an immediate candidate for beardo trucker-cap Soymetal that needs to be shot into space in a metal container.
        They should do a faux-cosmology and void edition!

  10. Eternal Turd says:

    Sadistic metal reviews returning to proper form… Nice.

  11. sarcastro says:

    Nice to see Deathcult For Eternity get a plug. It’s the album that set me off down the DM path. Tell Brett to get off his ass and give it a proper entry in the archives.

  12. The guys says:

    Cave In is like the lame version of Hum

    1. I am the wack blizzards says:

      LOL, I never made the connection but it’s true

      Downward is Heavenward > all post-metal or metalcore

Comments are closed.