Visions Of Metal In 2019

It was an early day in the winter of 1999 when I awoke from a horrific vision of immense despair. I saw a desolate land, littered with waste and overcrowded with wandering souls in torment. Skeletons danced basking in the moonlight, and the light did not reach the wandering souls. Many were stuck in a swamp polluted with syringes. Others frantically dug through a graveyard searching for a cadaver but finding only a few rotting limbs. Some sought to create a fire but could not create a single spark. A large crowd gathered around the statue of a hammer but could not get it to move. And I saw a well, the waters of which were poisoned by a river of sewage from a foreign land. And above the well it was written THE WELL OF INSPIRATION.

Then I heard a voice call to me “What you have seen is the metal scene. After 79 seasons of tribulation and ruin it will become barren. The souls you see are a multitude of meaningless bands and musicians that will pollute the world of metal. The dancing skeletons were the overaged metal bands that should have broken up decades before but continue to hog the spotlight. The swamp was what will become of doom metal, for it will be overridden by junkies. The graveyard you saw housed the remnants of death metal, for no cadavers will remain after the retro death wave of 2009. The fire you saw some seeking was the spirit of black metal, for none will be able to conjure it after 1996. The statue you saw was communism, and many will try to introduce these themes into metal but will produce no good bands. And the river of sewage you saw where the journalists who will infest metal journalism, they will come from a land of hipsters and ruin any hope of metal returning to its former glory. Some of the bands who will release music in this cursed age are as follows


Baroness
“Progressive sludge metal” might seem like an oxymoron, but when your fanbase is a combination of heroin addicts and awkward 30 year-olds who want to pretend grunge is still a thing you don’t have much to worry about.


Carcass
Carcass’s surgical steel was an obnoxious album that was devoid of creativity and originality, ruining a catalogue that was at least innovative in every incarnation. This album will be a cut/paste of riff and songwriting techniques from a band that was better off retired.


Candlemass
They will try to sell this thing on the gimmick of it being “the first album since the first album with the band’s original vocalist!” but they already wasted the reunion gimmick on the more beloved Messiah Marcolin
Russian Circles
Good news for hipster metal fans – now that post metal is dead, you can stop pretending that you like this band!


Tomb Mold
When the number of Swedish death metal bands outnumbers the number of nu metal bands, something is not right. Canadian metal has never once been good (including the band Blasphemy). The name of the band is clever, but does it really matter?


Triptykon
One of the oldest metal musicians repaints decades of uninspired music under a new name. It will be as pointless as Celtic Frost’s Monotheist but will be adored by journalists just as favorably.


Vltimas
Blasphemer is the most underrated guitarist in metal, and Flo Mounier is probably the most talented drummer (despite completely unrestrained playing). I would have thought that they could combine for something invigorating, but when I heard their horrendous first collaboration Nader Sadek, my disappointment was incomparably excessive. Essentially, this is David Vincent trying to get over his ex girlfriend Morbid Angel but pitifully rebounding with a transsexual. Sad!

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20 thoughts on “Visions Of Metal In 2019”

  1. Dirty Coke Nail of Doom says:

    The current metal scene must be destroyed and disappear from the face of the earth in order for a new and organic take on the genre can rise above. ACCELERATIONISM NOW!

  2. Altarboys of Madness says:

    I’d not heard of Blasphemer. Searching him, I found that he was in Mayhem post-1997. Are those albums any good?

    Meanwhile, both him and David Vincent need to kill that gay-ass soul-patch style. Vincent should also quit dyeing his hair like an Hot Topic bitch.

    1. CumInMyassholeneckthenhitmyvapewithme says:

      Grand Declaration of huh wow actually has cool riffs but the songs and vocals aren’t very good or just outright unlistenable.

    2. Sieg says:

      Wolfs Lair Abyss is like a digitized polished Deathcrush. Its okay.

  3. Harold Reginold Merrigold says:

    Who else would fuck the twink in baroness second from the right? ♥️♥️♥️♥️

    1. Misanthrope says:

      In a heartbeat bro!

  4. bloodypulp says:

    I can’t believe this article made the cut, even for DMU.

    For starters don’t use “wandering souls” in consecutive sentences unless you are trying to be obnoxious. There are synonyms for being lost or aimless.

    Your dream was not difficult to decipher either, except you deciphered it wrong.

    You dream means you probably need to do drugs and listen to Manowar and Pungent Stench or do something, anything at all in addition to listening to bad music and looking at stupid band pictures, that will churn some bile in your guts before you raise your mighty pen and go charging fearlessly into battle.

    1. what do you mean “even for DMU”?

      1. bloodypulp says:

        cold as hell outta gas and even colder tomorrow

        a strong cup of good coffee, a cigarette at dawn

        feel like a million years old but up anyway

        eyes gouged out to be blind to the day

        not quite dead

        but a ghost either way

        wholesale madness, you’re just a pawn

        windows down

        radios on

        maniac cackles howls and hacks

        wooden stakes dead birds speed bumps brass tacks

        a brain unraveling into a thousand slimy grey snakes

        that’s how a god awakes

      2. ll says:

        You know what he means. DMU has been terrible ever since its mastermind’s departure to become a fulltime trumptard. The only good articles nowadays are the occasional ones Stevens writes about tobacco and Manowar. Ironic that DMU is suffering the exact same fate as your disgraced metal heroes (At the Gates, Morbid Angel, Slayer, etc.)

        1. Morrigan, we both know that’s a lie and DMU still maintains a high standard when it comes to content and quality. If you want more tobacco reviews, you can go elsewhere for that. It is obvious that you suffer from certain psychological conditions.

          1. ll says:

            The knee-jerk ad hominem is real.

            Of course, your articles are among the more readable ones here. Fine effort if lacking that old ANUS spark.

            PS: no I’m not that metal-archives moderator. It’s just an old throwaway email.

          2. bloodypulp says:

            I wasn’t trying to insinuate that DMU should, in a general sense, raise the bar or anything. This site goes through phases like everything else. I like DMU because it’s people who actually care about the music, and have something to say about it, whether or not they have a gift for writing, whether or not I think that what they have to say is relevant to my own understanding and enjoyment of the music. I don’t need it to read like Milton or anything, but come on dude, this article is half-baked horse manure. Give me a fucking break. Maintain at least some standard of effort. There is no analysis, there is no venom, there is no humor, not even irrational insight. Not even wordplay. The most creative aspect of the article, the “dream”, is so obtuse it made me cringe. This is garbage plain and simple. And for fucks sake stop calling everyone who disagrees with you Morrigan.

            1. I am not calling everyone who disagrees with me Morrigan but I genuinely thought that the other comment was from Morrigan. As you can see this is Robert’s view on what 2019 should bring to the stage and I believe he did a pretty decent job at evaluating what bands could come back in force. There are other articles on this site for what you are searching for.

              1. bloodypulp says:

                As one of the New Men, that is to say, as a transexual James Bond, I felt it was my duty to defend Morrigan, who is the archetypical New Man. Obviously I disagree about the article but it’s ok bruh we’re still cool. After all it’s not like you’re gay or jewish.

                1. I was never angry with you, just disagreeing with you, let’s leave the discord stuff on discord.

                  1. bloodypuke says:

                    Ay fine just fucking around man didn’t mean nothing by it except to say that this article blows a lonely wad

                    Hail gluttony
                    The ignorance of ignorance
                    The greed of greed
                    Anarchy, disguist,sarcasm
                    War all the time
                    not quite white in the head
                    got a tan
                    Vanity is the Man
                    I’ll sleep now that I’m dead

  5. obi want cuntobi says:

    tomb mould ain’t swedeath though ur right blasphemy were never good. the praise they receive now is like an inversion of the ‘Seinfeld was never funny’ effect

  6. Jewboy says:

    “Canadian Metal has never been good”

    OBLIVEON > anything this silly website has ever praised.

    1. because Oblivion is better than Suffocation or Incantation.

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