“Heavy Metal Church” combines two things and destroys both

In the process of turning everything into a product, Ohio’s Heavy Metal Church combines Christian worship with heavy metal, and in the process reduces both to caricatures of themselves.

To put it in a nutshell, we are a non-denomination, Bible-based Church in a comfortable atmosphere with great music! Our congregation consists of people from all walks of life and age groups. We don’t care what you wear because we just want you there! Our Church has no racial, ethnic or gender barriers and we could care less about your past or present life. We only care about your FUTURE life in Christ! Most people want God in their lives, but think they must clean up first before coming to Christ… You don’t clean up before you jump in the shower, do you? God wants you EXACTLY the way you are at this very moment. As long as you actively seek God, He will actively seek you, and the Holy Spirit will gently clean you up along the way.

This shows a shift from traditional church logic, which is that religion represents a spiritual force (“God”) which is unchanging and immutable, and that humanity has never changed since its inception, so there is a stability in the constancy of belief and its conventions. Back then, the goal was to get the individual to move closer to God. Now, as if selling cheeseburgers, the goal is to sell the church to the individual by making the church more like the everyday life of that individual.

Hence… Heavy Metal Church.

Christian purists and heavy metal purists alike will feel repelled by this abomination that combines a music dedicated to being separate from social conventions and a religion that at its heart feels it should not bend to social conventions. On one, the social convention imposed is a genre of mostly-entertainment, and on the other, the social convention imposed is church and being nice to people even if they’re idiots.

As Vice magazine reports, the heavy metal church is not that far removed from other “contemporary” worship services which feature rock music and the word of Jeeezus all in the same handy product package:

“We’re going to have healing, redemption, salvation, and deliverance take place here today,” says assistant Pastor Ron, from the front of the auditorium. Pastor Ron is a bearded guy who, if he were in a motorcycle movie, would probably be nicknamed “Tiny.”

“Woo!” goes the crowd.

Then the music starts. It’s a head-thrashing, blood-pumping tune, with decidedly Jesusy lyrics: “I believe / How about you / I believe / It’s true / I believe in him!” We bang our heads.

“Get your hands clapping! Come on!” says the guitarist wearing black who plays Judas Priest–style guitar with his combo.

“Woo!” goes the crowd, throwing their hands up.

This is excruciating. I am embarrassed for them.

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16 thoughts on ““Heavy Metal Church” combines two things and destroys both”

  1. Judgement says:

    I once heard of a heavy metal church somewhere in Latin America a few years ago. It was as cringeworthy back then as it is now.

    This sickens me on unspeakable levels.

  2. tiny midget says:

    as long as orgies are allowed, i’m in!

  3. Dualist says:

    They’re just taking Protestantism to its logical conclusion.

    Many conservative writers often wrongly infer that the rot that’s given us the post-modern world starts with the social thinking of the so-called Enlightenment.

    Or even more incorrectly, with Christianity itself.

    But the Enlightenment was just Protestantism without the all-so-necessary metaphysical grounding.

    The thinking we all despise really starts at the Reformation. When Martin Luther, on a whim really, invented the notion of ‘private judgement’ he (hopefully) didn’t realise he had laid down the path for the moral relativism that’s now inflicted on us.

    Once one man had decided to reject a millennium and half of slowly-worked-out wisdom, then so could anybody. As Henry VIII (of all people) said on hearing about Tyndale’s English translation of the Bible: ‘even the pot-boy will have an opinion next’!

    Hence why there’s a million Protestant churches out there that basically say do whatever you want, you just need a vague belief in Christ.

  4. Dualist says:


    Just overheard a guy on a BBC TV show on religious/moral issues (presented by the obligatory BBC liberal) who had head-to-toe tattoos. He’d changed his name by deed-poll to Ink Land King Body Art The Extreme Ink-Ite.

    He mentioned ‘some of my friends in the CHURCH OF BODY MODIFICATION’!

    Make that a million and one different denominations then.

    I’m just waiting for a Church of Latter-Day Saint Vitus.

  5. Sandman says:

    Healing…redemption…salvation. I tell you something about salvation my brothers. Salvation is for the ass to get fucked. The ass is your slave labour and the church is the dick. Like Giordano Bruno I dont even spit on this religious shit cuz I know its all a fraud based on the nature hating saturn cult from the desert.
    And the protestant reformation was a controlled way to counter the REAL enlightement of people like Giordano Bruno and others.
    He exposed the complete fraud of the joint venture between the corrupt roman faggots and the pharisee. When 2 faggots make love they create another faggot = christ for the indo-europeans. The pharisee created that shit christ story so they can tell the whole world that they are the chooson ninjas. No sane guy would say yes i´m part of your depraved and faggot history of your moses, jesus or shimram shalim-lam. An ape has more senses about mother nature then anyone of these retarded idiots who dwell in a cave even after 10000 years where saturn is nothing but a dead thing. Jupiter, zeus and odin fucked saturn up and thats why they are mad at the proud heathen. They are mad at ye because saturn is no longer the anus in the sky!

  6. Dualist says:

    Not sure you’ve looked into this properly Sandman.

    Bruno, other than his cosmology, was pretty much Orthodox (despite what his Inquisitors thought.) You don’t get many Dominicans who aren’t…

    The Pharisees were the sect who pushed for Jesus’ execution and have been vilified ever since for that reason, never mind it being one of the main excuses for anti-semitism since then. So they’ve not done a great job making the world think they are the ‘chosen ninjas.’

    And as for having sense about mother nature, well, sorry in advance for the Ad Hominem attack, but I’m shortly about to start a PhD in theoretical physics so I’ve already forgotten more about nature than you’ll ever likely know.

    You’re either a really weird troll, or a demoniac.

  7. Sandman says:

    Read Giordano Brunos message about moses the magician of the donkey ass who tried to cast a spell on someone. I have read his theories about “bindings in general”. The christ concept was a sword to conquer the germanic tribes and beyond. Nothing more! And the base of this faggotry was the chooson ninjas tale.
    His cosmology had one simple message. The infinite and only YOU can percieve yourself as a center of something but that doesnt mean anything in the divinity of everything. This thought alone is why so called brainwashing works via. logos, images and words or force…
    The pharisee used christianity as a trojan horse but you can deny it until your last breath -I dont care.
    An ape has more senses about mother nature because he has intact instincts -he is free of error. Religious people are full or errors because they divide “god” = saturn from themself. Yes, they do this because saturn is a dead thing. That simple. When you dont see nature around you as something divine you have to justify your retarded worldview with some mumbojumbo.
    And demons infiltrate mostly people… read Giordanos works. He was wiser then you, me and every religious donkey outthere.

  8. Sandman says:

    Problem is today. .. everyone has an oppinion and thinks he can reinterprete the wisdom of the ones who dedicated their lives and even endured torture and death. When you sit in comfort it´s pretty easy to run around with some paper of academy and scream around your super wisdom. The only thing most people know is their own “perception” of knowledge, bundle it together in a new age package and there you go…fart. out comes another christ!
    This guy was killed because he knew things way beyond what our universities teach and his view was like the heathens view. But you dont know anything about that -so its not my problem.

    1. religious donkey says:

      Bruno was a super human, he could perceive demons in people and he could summon them to share ancient knowledge hidden under the mountains where only occult monks and keepers know where to find them but they won’t share the secrets with the common folk unless you bear the secret mark . but then, a sect of illuminated sages trained young folk to track the secret keepers of secrets that dwelled. the order was to kill them after sodomizing their asses, spill the blood n kill their shit. so no one knows how to summon the demons of the earth.

      1. Sandman says:

        He was a man of honour. Thats why he laughed about you. Even in the moments of torture. You can be a roman ass all your live like the walking corpse on a cross with no honour at all and you still think you are alive.
        Moses and other shalim labimlams had not one single event of honour. And honour is a gift of the divine, the purest form of manhood so it´s easy to see where divinity was exchanged for depravity and shame.

  9. Anthony says:

    This Christianity shit is pretty gay.

  10. Sandman says:

    He sorry but i had some slogans for these … :
    – The fellowship of the creezy metlars.
    – Cleavage and breadhead for the people
    – peasants of the insane saints
    – No mercy with hallel und julia
    – be cursed or say yes we can! Yes we can!
    – faggots of the twilight order
    – christus bread cross and fresh is no cannibalism but precious meat
    – daily piss of popery is nothing but my wet dreams wish

    this is realy realy tough stuff to understand that people with a brain can be so damaged! And that south america stuff was pretty strange. Man i´m ashamed to be a man sometimes that looks like them…

    1. Robert Ritual says:

      you’re a homo.

  11. Dualist says:

    One last comment just in case you actually are for real:

    “The Christ concept was a sword to conquer the germanic tribes and beyond.” That seems unlikely as the concept of Christ was pretty much fully-formed before any major Germanic incursions into the empire. Certainly before they were regarded as anything but backward forest-dwelling barbarians.

    And yes demons do mostly infiltrate people. But as you seem to be in a state of complete possession you can’t be regarded as a human person anymore.

  12. Sandman says:

    Im not a person or phersu thats true. A phersu or a masked person is just that. What the Etruscan painted on their tomb is not what i ever wanted to be. But you know it do you ?

    1. Dualist says:

      Yes, I know it. What is your name? Names?

      What did you want be, then?

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