Parable of the poseur


One day, a man decided he wanted to be a lion, so he went to a local costume store and bought a lion suit complete with a mask and gloves that looked like lion’s paws.

The man then went out into the city telling everyone that he was a lion. One citizen approached him and told him that he wasn’t a lion, but a man in a lion’s costume. The man responded in protest: “I am so a lion! I have the paws of a lion, I have the face and body of a lion, and I can roar like a lion too!” The man then let out a roar that attracted pedestrians to the two debaters.

Eleven of the onlookers saw how much attention the man-lion was receiving, and they wanted to be lions too. So, they went to the local costume store and bought lion outfits and masks for themselves. The skeptical citizen was severely annoyed, and issued a challenge to the man-lions: “If you truly are lions, go then and live with them in the wild. Join a pride of them and we shall see who the lions are.”

The man-lions accepted the challenge, and the twelve of them went into the wilderness to live with the lions. They found a pride and wandered towards them on all-fours, imitating lion behavior, but the wild lions snarled at them. One of the man-lions got too close, and was struck by a lions claw. The wounded man-lion ran away, throwing his lion mask into the air as he dashed off. The remaining man-lions approached with caution, but were halted by a whistle a quarter-mile behind them.

The skeptical citizen had been watching them the whole time. He approaches them and reaches behind his head, unzipping and removing his human costume, revealing that he was a lion. He walks over to his pride and is greeted warmly. The eleven man-lions stared wide-eyed at the returning lion as he says:

“I heard word of a lion in the city, so investigated in disguise. I was annoyed to discover this ‘lion’ was a pretender and that others are following in this deception. You are not lions, you are men in lion suits made by men, and you are not welcome here.”

If you are a false, do not entry!

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44 thoughts on “Parable of the poseur”

  1. says:

    yeah, don’t dress like musicians unless you make music

  2. Spaceplacenta says:

    Coherent analogy.

  3. Spaceplacenta says:

    The chick left to the one in a white dress looks like she’d be a prime baby-making factory.

    1. 1349 says:

      Yeah, she looks a bit like Nazism itself: prolet-Aryan.
      The others are just standard Frankfurt-school culture-marxist proletarian biotrash.

  4. ExoThrash says:

    Ha! Great example dude! Just like those kids in school that claim they are “So metal” but wear shirts like pierce the veil or some crap like that. I hope metal-core dies out soon or there sure will be a Yolocaust, I’m sure of it.

  5. Richard Head says:

    Okay guys, I’m going undercover as a plainclothes normie. I’ll wander around town and look for people that dress like metalheads. Then I’ll grill them on metal trivia, and if they fail, I’ll expose them as a poseur! That will show them.

    So what are the trivia questions I should ask to evaluate their power level of trooness?

    1. Shit 666 says:

      Go up to anyone wearing a Slayer shirt (since it’s almost a guaranteed Lamb of God fan anyway at this point) and ask “Who did guest vocals on EVIL HAS NO BOUNDARIES!? HUH!?”. When they fail to give a proper response, sodomize them with disciplinary vigor in front of their friends and say “You see! You see what happens to POSEURS! ARRRRRGHHHH!!!!”. Easy poseur exposing, easy sodomy.

    2. discodjango says:

      1. Who played the solos on “Cause Of Death”?

      2. Who was the singer in Asphyx before Martin van Drunen joined the band?

      3. Who was the guy who was listed as the singer in the “Clandestine” booklet although he is not heard on the record and Nicke Andersson did the job instead?

      1. Richard Head says:

        Shit, I only know the first one (though in my defense, Clandestine is a pretty lame album and The Rack is the only Asphyx album I have) . Guess I have to sell all my CDs and sodomize myself. Typical thursday.

        1. discodjango says:

          Haha, don’t beat yourself up. I forgot that Gene Hoglan was the guest singer on “Evil Has No Boundaries”. So I failed Shit 666’s question.

          If you only know “The Rack” than you should listen to “Embrace The Death”. It was intented to be the first Asphyx album but was unreleased until 1996. It features some songs from “The Rack” in different versions. I like it more than “The Rack” because of its dark and evil atmosphere.

          Also you should give “Clandestine” another spin. Focus on the details, there are so many great things going on although the songs are quite catchy.

          1. I like it more than “The Rack” because of its dark and evil atmosphere.

            You might say “The Rack” gave those songs an early Hail of Bullets “smash ‘n crash” style treatment.

            1. discodjango says:

              The phrase “early Hail of Bullets ‘smash ‘n crash’ style” fits even better with “The Last One On Earth” because this one has an even more crushing sound and simpler riffs than “The Rack”.

              Of course both of them are much better than anything done by Hail Of Bullets. I even like “God Cries” more than Hail Of Bullets or the last Asphyx record. Sometimes it wallows in self-pity, but at least it it is not party death metal.

          2. Richard Head says:

            Sounds like we bo both deserved to be sodomized as the poseurs we are. So… You “scratch” my “back”, I’ll “scratch” yours?

            1. discodjango says:

              Damn it. It seems there is no alternative.

    3. Nomen Nescio says:

      Which asshole should be sodomized?

      1. Who should not entry?

  6. Excellentsword says:

    Do grown adults really care about this shit?

    1. Richard Head says:

      Do grown adults really care about what other grown adults read about in their free time?

  7. fenrir says:

    I am sure this point could be communicated in a less laughable or childish way.

    1. trystero says:

      I thought it was quite poetic actually.

  8. Grundle says:

    This story raises a good point. We’ve all been tricked by a he-she at some point or another.

  9. Cortez says:

    I don’t think you need to grill them on trivia, just ask them what bands they like, and if they admit to liking a band, ANY BAND, they are ipso facto “false”. Real Trooness hates all metal.

  10. Balze says:

    The author of this post is not La Fontaine, for sure.

  11. Heretic says:

    Suppose we already identify as a poseur, and want the last remaining ex-church sentiments of our culture and our own (ignorantly unrecognised) pretentiousness to be smashed out of us by repeated listenings to certain (sub-)genres? Then there is no need to use expressions such as “troo,” “kvlt” and so on, as they have no meaning to us.

    The threat of “poserhood” is a great insult to anyone here, especially those of us who are newcomers, and who – still reeking of pop culture and even the seductions of mainstream church – have joined your ranks in despair, not hoping for anything but *seeking to impose our will upon everyone else*! One can only hope for success in this endeavour.

    What I would recommend is to listen to Horna’s Haudankylmyyden Mailla and run some of the lyrics through Google Translate in order to understand some of the philosophy behind it.

  12. Heretic says:

    ^ Play it with Cuff’s “Forced Human Sacrifice To The New Gods Of Earth” on top, if you’re really hardcore. ;)

  13. Heretic says:

    P.S. What about bears?

  14. 1349 says:

    There were precedents around here where i live.
    Guys from the local “Niemaracz clan” (a black metal community) carried out an experiment:

    “Almost all “satanists” evoke pity, so we beat them up. Out of pity. We don’t try to sort’em – “true” or “not true” – shit is beaten out of all of them. Just because a broken face makes us, and hence, Satan, happy.
    We made an experiment 5 years ago. At gigs, we would come up to “true” satanists, tear pentagrams off their necks, drop them to the floor and watch their reaction. 99,9% were asking us _not to beat them_!
    Hell and fear are very similar by their essence. People who are unable to assert Power, are obliged to experience Fear. And that is logical, because no idea can be true and have sense behind it if it isn’t backed by Power.”

    They actually did that experiment and those beatings.

    1. Richard Head says:

      You have some crazy people where you live. Where would that be? I’m guessing it is not in the US because black metal dudes here just cut themselves and star in youtube videos of themselves chain-smoking cheap old-lady cigarettes (not cigarettes *made of* old ladies, just the kind of cigarettes that old ladies will smoke).

      1. 1349 says:

        What i’m describing happened 10+ years ago; today this would be hardly possible, as metal is mostly dead here while the police have enhanced control over public order. The clan that i mentioned still exists and there still are some bands functioning affiliated with it but hardly anyone ever hears from them.

        In general the history of subcultures in USSR / xUSSR has its peculiarities.
        Around 1980-1990, for example, all “informal” youth (rockers, punks, metalheads, bikers…) were rivalling with the subculture of lyubers ( which later degraded into simple gopniks (white trash). They could beat each other not unlike today’s European football hooligans do.
        Later, there was a period when a bit too many metal bands were affiliated with White Power / NS circles. Even apolitical bands, i mean!

        Although the aforementioned lyubers degraded, and we’re all gradually turned into office hamsters by consumerism, the conflict between white trash/lyubers and “the hairy ones” didn’t completely seize. Because of having long hair, i had to fight at least twice during the 2000-s. Some drunken gopnik was trying to “ask questions to me” just a month ago, but he wouldn’t start a fight, for several reasons.

        1. Richard Head says:

          Very interesting. Thanks for sharing. I’m woefully ignorant of the state and history of extreme music evolution in countries other than my own and you’ve given me a glimpse into another world (none too dissimilar from my own, for better or worse).

  15. 1349 says:

    Go up to anyone wearing a Slayer shirt and start breaking his face.
    If he manages to slay you, he isn’t a poseur.

    1. BB says:

      As if physical strength is the defining factor.

      Go watch “Pumping Iron”.

      1. 1349 says:

        Lol, it’s not about physical strength.
        It’s about the absence of fear and the ability to be responsible for what you demonstrate to the ones around.

        1. BB says:

          Well, to that standard, even the guys from Slayer themselves are poseurs, even back in the 80ies.

  16. eradicate humans says:

    I hope for the sake of metal that you guys aren’t serious about this petty shit. Why the fuck would you need some jagoffs acceptance. And why the fuck is thier an article about some shitty core band right above this one if your so worried about posers. I think this new wave of metal music is the equivalent to HIV But come on who really cares enough to go out and be that guy who act’s like a pretentious cunt about metal.

    By the way black metal fucking sucks, religion is for the weak minded human beings

    1. Richard Head says:

      Cool points bro, but your last paragraph is mysterious. Did you know that many black metal artists held strict anti-religious positions? Do you see how it appears that you would condemn black metal seemingly on the basis of the music being associated with religion? Maybe you didn’t mean that. Surely you didn’t. Nobody is that dumb. ;o)

      1. 1349 says:

        Cool points bro, but your last paragraph is mysterious. Did you know that many black metal artists held strict anti-religious positions?

        (S)he’s somewhat right.
        Because black is too concentrated on antichristianity and thus, on christianity itself. Today it is like fighting an enemy that barely exists. It is promoting and supporting the enemy more than fighting it.

        1. Richard Head says:

          In a way, you are right, as was the OP. I think black metal’s attack on Christianity was first and foremost an attack on uniformity and all of the new-age Western ideologies that spawned from post-religious Christianity. In this day and age, Christians are generally irrelegious as anyone else, but the basic tenets of faith still linger in ssocial norms, etc. Attacking those things (which have basically become liberalism anymore) is a worthwhile endeavor but at once, you are right about black metal giving Christianity credit where it is undue in this day and age.

  17. Vulture says:

    The people who run this site and the commenters on here are totally out of touch with reality.

    1. Shit 666 says:

      That’s it buddy, BEND OVER!

      You’re probably right though.

    2. tiny midget says:

      nonetheless, reality keeps touching us with fair consistency,
      even when i tell her to go away…

  18. David Missildine says:

    And the first rude sketch that the world had seen was joy to his mighty heart, till the Devil whispered behind the leaves ‘It’s pretty, but is it Art?’

    Rudyard Kipling

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