Molson Coors Brewing Company – Miller Lite

I went on a hike this week with a few of my colleagues to appreciate the forested beauty of the natural world. We eventually lit a fire and toasted some marshmallows and frankfurters. One of my fellow heshers was German and carried around a package of expired hot dogs during his hike that he intended to eat at room temperature. I convinced him to put aside his barbaric hunger and save the sausages for the evening cookout.

We headed back to camp to cook our meal of franks and baked beans in a cast iron pot. The Kraut eagerly prepared this simple stew but demanded beer in return. I drove over to the nearest gas station about half an hour away from the campsite. They had a variety of hipster craft brews that looked undrinkable except for sipping while being pegged by your local village dominatrix. They were also a couple months old and surely only tasted of onions, diabetic cat piss, and middle-aged Jewish hausfraus dieting by picking on a grapefruit. The choice was between Genesee Cream Ale and Miller Lite for anything bottled within the last month. Not wanting flatulence tonight and diarrhea tomorrow, I chose the 24 pack of Miller over the 30 rack of Genesee.

I drove back to camp and showed the Kraut my purchase. “A fine pilsner beer? This is not beer but I’m thirsty”.

The Kraut cracked open a can, chugged it, and quickly two more. The beans and franks were simmering. I followed the Kraut in chugging two. The Miller Lite was refreshing. It looked like piss but tasted like a less carbonated seltzer.

The Guinea and the Arab soon joined us. The Arab drank four cans of corn water. After finisher each he crushed the cans while cursing the blaspheming false prophet Muhammad each time. According to the Arab, every can was the blood of Christ, the satan of the false moon demon Allah. He claimed that the more he sinned through drink and vice, the more he could be forgiven, and the more in Christ’s favor he would be. The Arab yearned for the end of time when the Logos would return to free his people from idolatry and mental slavery.

We spooned the beans and franks into out mouths as he watched him rant and rave. The Arab continued talking even as he ate. The Guinea chose not to eat solid food, preferring only liquid nourishment. He pounded back the other thirteen cans as we slowly ate our disgusting lukewarm meal of mechanically separated pork, beef, and beans.

When we finished, we discovered all of our alcoholic refreshments1 were gone. The Guinea said he had to piss but drifted off into the bush. We found him after a few hours. He was oily, hairy, and bloated like a fetid corpse. None of us wished to attempt mouth to mouth CPR due to the Guinea’s perpetual breath of rotten garlic. We assumed he had left this mortal coil behind.

The brave Kraut, eater of room temperature satchels of mechanically separated meat leaned down and put his mouth over the Guinea’s scabbed lips. Suddenly the Guinea coughed, projectile vomiting a stream of yellow liquid like a ever-flowing stream of pee directly into the Kraut’s mouth. “Now zis is a proper pils!” exclaimed der¬†frankfurter Fuhrer!

Quality: */*****
Purchase: */*****

1Miller Lite, unlike Coors Light, does not even resemble a brewed beer.

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13 thoughts on “Molson Coors Brewing Company – Miller Lite

  1. Cornrose says:

    Diversity is it!!!

  2. Skull Powder says:

    I feel sick. Congratulations, you’ve successfully transmuted Miller Lite into text form.

  3. GGALLIN1776 says:

    I once got alcohol poisoning from Genesee on a otherwise uneventful & obviously shitty birthday over a decade ago. I still get sick when anything resembling the name gets mentioned, including geislee rails. I hope you get AIDS for mentioning it, pigfucker.

  4. Sodomize the geek says:

    Nice article, Brett.

  5. Let's only talk about Blasphemy says:


  6. Rob says:

    Better to be pegged by a dominatrix than drink this horrid shit.

  7. canadaspaceman says:

    I thought only people paid in beer commercials drink Miller ? never seen anybody in person drink it. If I ever did, it might have been years ago when I was starting to try every brand at The Beer Store or LCBO.
    Maybe I will submit a Sadistic Metal Review-type of beer/ale/lagers (mostly what is inexpensive), as it should only takes 1 or 2 sentences to describe a drink.
    Here’s one – Kalik Beer (Nassau, Bahamas) tastes like what OV-Old Vienna tasted like in the 1970s, early 1980s, as the batches I tried the past decade do not taste like the same recipe being used.
    Molson Pilsner, aka Old Style Pilsner – if you buy it in the Prairie provinces and out west (ie. Alberta, British Columbia), one of the best all natural, great tasting brews around.
    if you buy the shit that is made in Ontario, it is garbage, it can’t really be a Pilsner,and it tastes awful. The version out west, even if it gets warm, will still be tasty. The version in Ontario makes you want to barf if it gets warm.
    Maybe the difference is spring water versus lake water? No idea, but since it is Molson-Coors, it is likely chemical preservatives are added I bet.

    1. It is amazing to me that we have bad beers at all.

      It is not hard to make quality beers.

      But then, the shareholders are there, demanding more value so their retirement funds grow and they can buy boats which they will use twice and then park behind their suburban homes to rot. The MBAs show up at that point, usually women and minorities, who say, “Weeelll… if we just cut costs we can raise margins and so you replace wheat with Grade W rice, pure hops with a mixture of hops and corn syrup, cut fermenting time and add sugar instead, etc. The morons all cheer. We are saved! The money is here! But free money is an addiction, and soon the idiots hope for more. So you get the biggest fucking moron of them all to show up, some guy who not only has an MBA but is not an affirmative action case. This guy is usually Italian or Irish, or half at least, the other half being German or English DNA dying a slow painful death inside an idiot. The BFM decides that he will really make his mark… totally save the day… become a hero for a lifetime, or at least a financial report cycle. He decides that instead of making beer, you will make a soft drink, and add in beer flavoring (all natural, of course, because you have to make one-750th the amount) and alcohol distilled from the carcasses of aborted fetuses, junk grains, lawn clippings and restaurant waste. This costs approximately 1/35th of what it takes to make a real beer since you can produce it overnight, make it in lots of ten billion, and most people are idiots so they cannot tell the difference. He wins the game, and everyone drinks shitty beer because the only people who brew beer the right way are burdened by regulations to the point where their beer costs three times as much. Might as well just buy Coke and Everclear, which is why they banned Everclear. If you think Congress is working for you and not industry, and that regulations somehow harm industry, time to wake the fuck right up now.

      1. GGALLIN1776 says:

        Fuck MD, sluts only go to parties to get fucked, then they regret it (because they don’t know who they can put the abortion bill on) & cry rape. Don’t blame booze, blame whores then leave them by a dumpster to be filthy & depressed by their illegitimate seed.

        Anyways, it’s still legal in my state. I think I had it last about 2 years ago. Try grappa that has been put through the still 3x, it’ll increase your testicular circumference 3x.

        1. Maryland is run by diversity-mandating, equal opportunity socialists.

      2. Rainer Weikusat says:

        The problem here is people who »drink alcohol« that is people who wouldn’t ever contemplate to drink something containing alcohol for any other reason than »getting drunk« and who can’t imagine anyone to be different from them, this becoming more evil as they progress with life towards the stage where “getting drunk” is inadvisable most of the time.

        As I wrote in the past, brewing is a traditional method for making possibly (microbe) contaminated water safe for drinking and for enabling it to be stored, the alcohol presumably serving as “hostile environment” wrt re-contamination. As such, it’s an integral part of mankind’s cultural heritage. I drink beer because I like the taste and because that’s what people do when they’re thirsty (England is very nice in this respect because there are lots a small breweries making different ales while Germany is mostly a wasteland of industrial scale Pils production, popularity of the variants inversely proportional to their quality).

        The »alcohol drinkers« generally prefer coloured and sugared water. In recreational situations, they add more or less diluted grain alcohol (sells as ‘Vodka’ for some inexplainable reason despite it has absolutely no resemblance to that) to that. Or drink Lager if they want to enjoy the (group therapy) experience of public intoxication for longer.

        BTW, “may God save us from taste critics who can’t distinguish bitter and sour”.

  8. Flying Kites says:

    Gross protrusion of hair after chugging down the beers, huh.

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