Choose Your Own Black Dahlia Murder Adventure, Chapter 2

Outlaw internet conservative blogger alpha Brett Steven stood in a parking lot in Michigan with his pipe shoved deep in his mouth and a Sharpie in hand.

A pudgy fan of indeterminate but gender who claimed to be a female had her cut-off wife beater lifted up Her navel was pierced like Britney Spears’. Around it was “heartburn” in faded black ink. Her breasts were a prematurely saggy A-cup and covered with a thin coat of small black body hairs. Her areolas were nickel-size. Quite tiny.

‘I COULD DEVOUR A KFC BUCKET OF THESE!’ Brett always went for the family size breast portions.

Brett’s eyes were bulging from his sockets. His Sharpie bulging from his right hand. His penis was not bulging, being constrained by his tighty whities. ‘DAMN THIS CHASTITY BELT OF INTELLECT!’

Brett Stevens always craved the touch of human flesh. His working mother threw him in daycare as a tot. As a child, his relentless espousing of Nihilism: A Philosophy Based In Nothingness And Eternity left him few friends. His constant urge to sodomize made few women enjoy his company. The weaker sex had to be sodomized according to Brett’s Weltanschauung.

Brett inhaled deeply from the long pipe that filled his mouth. He reached out with his meaty left hand. Brett exhaled a smoke ring from the side of his mouth as he grasped the saggy, hairy A cup. It filled his TMNT hand. ‘A PERFECT HANDLE FOR SODOMY’ thought Brett.


“Trevor! The Black Dahlia Murder’s!”

“HOW CAN YOU BE A GOOD GIRLFRIEND WITH A NAME LIKE THAT?” said Brett as he pumped the titty with his hands like one of those stress relief toys back at the office. Brett knew many Trevors back in Texas. All of them had three day old stubble and worked in construction. This one seemed to be a little different. More open to suggestion. More passive. More receptacle to active nihilism.

“I identify as a little girl! My boyfriends make me take baths and read books but I don’t wanna!”


Brett wrote on the hairy, sagging flesh:


He couldn’t fit anymore loving words in. Brett stopped sucking on his pipe.


“We’ll decimate it!” said the lardasses and their girlfriend Trevor.

The group walked back to Brett’s white van. The van was inherited from Brett’s father, who was a speaker salesman until his unfortunate murder over a shoddy subwoofer. Brett opened the rear doors and the group went inside.


“Don’t worry about that. We prefer our ham warm and yeasty. Right Trevor?”


Brett and the Black Dahlia Murder pounded Hamm’s all evening by flashlight until they almost crushed the case. Only one can remained.

“Wanna see a trick, Brett?”

“Show him Trevor! Make him finally appreciate us and stop being scene cancer!”


Trevor shoved his thumb in his right doe eye. He fondled it around and moved it under the eye ball. It sounded squishy. Trevor gouged out his own eye. Creamy, white pus dripped over his eyelashes, all over his face.

“Check it out Brett! It’s glass!” Trevor dropped the bulbous glass eye into Brett’s hand. The thick, mucous-like white goo ran between his fingers. The eye was abnormally large. Like a squid’s.

Brett couldn’t resist and tasted it. “SALTY!” Brett Stevens could never get enough salty goo in his mouth. He always blew his nose in his hands before eating chips. This goo was vicious and luscious. “MORE!”

“Do you want to use the hole?” said one of the metalcore polyamorists.


“The eye!”


“Well we need some lube then.”

Brett opened up the glove compartment and pulled out his handy thirty two ounce bottle of Gun Oil silicone male lubricant. “HERE YOU GO. GIVE ME THAT LAST ONE WILL YOU?”

The Black Dahlia Murder thought they knew what Brett wanted. They took the can and squirted some thick Gun Oil on it, moving their hands up and down, twisting and turning on the Hamm’s, getting it nice and slick. The metalcore poseurs took the Hamm’s and held Trevor down. The beer can was inserted two inches into his freakishly large eye socket, the result of Michigan dairy cows fed hormones in the early nineties. The Hamm’s was wedged firmly in place where Trevor’s eye had been.

“Open up Brett!” Brett opened his mouth and closed his eyes. The tab popped open on the can. A stream of warm, yellow astringent liquid poured into Brett Stevens’ mouth and all over his face. Brett hadn’t experienced anything like this since his time in Germany.

The Black Dahlia Murder was exhausted from the alcoholic antics. All are them were about to pass out in the back of Brett Stevens’ white van. Brett however was hellbent on sodomizing these weaklings.

What bedtime story should Brett read the Black Dahlia Murder?

  1. Nihilism: A Philosophy Based In Nothingness And Eternity
  2. Warhammer 40,000 Battle Manual

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46 thoughts on “Choose Your Own Black Dahlia Murder Adventure, Chapter 2”

  1. JohnnyReb says:

    I think I get it. Daniel and Titus are gay metal fans, probably live in Baltimore, and are triggered by the elitism that was DMU. All gays are offended by actual men. How they got to be editors we’ll never know, but they now can troll real DMU readers every day by writing junk like this. It can only be intentional. It can’t be this bad by accident.

    1. Cycle of Mediocrity says:

      This is what happens when you let fans run things.

      1. Titus Pullo says:

        I am no fan of Prozak.

        1. Circle of Jerkery says:

          What about Maarat?

          1. Titus Pullo says:

            Maarat’s articles were great. His SMRs could be refined down. His best were the Lemmiwinks ones.

          2. Lance Viggianno says:

            Maraat is a great man. I first met him during the biannual DMU writers fishing trip. At first I was intimidated as he stood a foot taller than myself and I am not exactly short. The rest of us were using depthmaster trolling combo poles but not maraat. He had brought a perfect replica of a Sarrissa which is a Macedonian spear he himself hand crafted. He was well versed with the pole as if they knew each other from countless rebirths extending back through the aeons. Of course, there was hand woven hemp rope tied to the end with which he could real in his catch and boy did he score the catches of the day. His form wasn’t merely impeccable, it was a level of finesse and grace which revealed the muscle formations you would expect from a true Olympian athlete. He offered me the opportunity to try the Sarrissa myself and I nearly fell off of the vessel into the water. Thankfully his quick reaction time grabbed my hips in the nick of time saving me from utter embarrassment. Before parting ways after the grand hessian feast of lentils crawfish and the catches of the day cooked over a pyre whose flames I swear would have reached Valhalla we shook hands. His firm grip left hairline fractures in my palm. I called a taxi to the airport but maraat hopped on his Harley Davidson and rode off into the sunset which cast a blinding glare at the rest of the dmu staff as the sunlight reflected off of his pristinely shaven head, no doubt shaven, ritualistically, under Ross Bay Purity Laws.

            1. cornrose says:

              Reel. This is too good.

        2. JohnnyReb says:

          You keep bringing up Prozak. What the hell does he have to do with anything? It’s not just these lame stories. Is it too much for the readers of a website to expect quality, coherent output? A 4th grader has better writing skills than this, even in today’s education system.

    2. McEvola "Kaeck and Serpent Ascending are shitty" says:

      This site is faux elitism now. Post the Ildjarn manifesto. Otherwise this site is just a bunch of articles about “death metal” for Moonspell fans (Serpent Ascending).

      1. Titus Pullo says:

        Serpent Ascending > Ildjarn

        You are permanently banned for trolling through proxies and VPNs. Go kill yourself now. Off with you.

        1. DMU is the right wing version of Metal Cucks says:

          McEvola just wants to be sodomised.

      2. JohnnyReb says:

        I think “faux elitism” is rather generous of you.

  2. Abyss-chan says:

    When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you. No need to blush, you`re a big boy now.

  3. 1349 says:

    I’d say refreshing and mesmerizing.
    Probably also autobiographic.

  4. 1349 says:

    2. Warhammer manual

  5. Cuntus McMotion says:

    Holy shih iz tweedleDMU really dead?? It survived this long and yet somehow now u could totally see RIP DMU becoming a meme lololololololol

  6. FUCKING THIS says:


  7. Mantas is Best says:

    You guys should definitely check out this death metal documentary. Explains how Venom and Exciter inspired metal god Cuck Schuldiner

    1. Fanta is Best says:

      Dude, don`t forget ANVIL

  8. S.C. says:

    This… DMU has gone full nose dive with this new editor. At least with Maraat it was a steady decline and not exponential.

  9. JohnnyReb says:

    What? Did my post hit too close to home? Loser.

    1. Titus Pullo says:

      No. Brett assumed you were Wild. He is permanently banned. His ban is eternal.

      1. JohnnyReb says:

        Right. So in what world is this drivel you’re putting out acceptable? Are you proud of this? Does it give you a sense of accomplishment? You and Daniel appear to be mentally disabled.

        1. chug says:

          Same person obviously. but holy shit did wild ever get his goat lmao

          1. Titus Pullo says:

            I’m not Maarat. Maarat handed over the site to someone mean for good reason.

          2. JohnnyReb says:

            Damn I must have missed that.

  10. Daniel Maarat the FTM transgender filipino says:

    Sodomise me too!

  11. Reduced Without Any Effort says:


    1. Finnish Death Metal was the pinnacle of death metal says:

      I think it would be great if Johan or David reviewed those othwr good albums that aren’t deemed classics likw Morgue’s grindcore stuff or Polluted Inheritance. Even stuff that is less mentioned like Sentenced’s debut or just do a review maybe comparing some of the aesthetic qualities Fleshcrawl has with some of the songs Immolation has done that does just that.

  12. I know who you are says:

    How dare you band Prozak who is the lifeblood of this community!!!The Sons of Sepultura article was a start but we need more quality articles about metal and it’s underlying concepts

    1. Titus Pullo says:

      Prozak tried and failed to reconcile metal and academia. I’m working on something general like that.

      1. I know who you are says:

        How did he fail his reviews were on point even if theybwere often vague

      2. Gypsy Relationship Psychics says:

        Well the modern academia is just as dead as metal (with a few outliers). A match made in heaven it is.

  13. matters says:

    I don’t know… I have a hard time believing this story. No one in the Black Dahlia Murder is that accessible.

    1. Beware the Phallic Might says:

      Anything can be accessed with forced backdoor entry

  14. GGALLIN1776 says:

    Lords of chaos.

    1. Gypsy Relationship Psychics says:

      Fifty Shades of Grey

  15. Trashchunk says:

    So, go read Old Disgruntled Bastard instead, this is just a 4chan metal extension at this point, and metal is too obscure and losery even for 4chan

    1. Titus Pullo says:

      Go read about how smart you are for liking The Chasm, the Mexican Dream Theater.

      1. DMU is the right wing version of Metal Cucks says:

        You take that back, fiend.

  16. Less Socrates, More Heraclitus says:


  17. Donald Trump says:

    Next chapter already, faggots

  18. Reader says:

    I can tell this is fake because one does not inhale from a pipe–neither deeply nor shallowly. Dead giveaway.

    But yeah, 2 (not 1 because Brett prefers sodomizing the weak, and 1 has an invigorating effect).

  19. From yet ANOTHER reader. says:

    This place is finished.

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