Agoraphobic Nosebleed Hypocritical Yoga Pants


Social justice warrior metalcore (formerly comedy techno grind) band Agoraphobic Nosebleed offered ass-printed yoga pants for sale at recent festival performances such as the social justice warrior and communist run California Deathfest. Yes, this is the same Agoraphobic Nosebleed whose menstruating, undergrown screamo vocalist Kat Katz slammed Death Metal Underground as “If Fox News and Lambgoat had a baby.” and claimed “this dude totally has it out for women in metal… and women in general. Yup.” What hypocrisy and exploitation of their own idiotic fanbase from the leftist z-list deathcore band unable to promote themselves on the musical strength of their terrible recorded material.

Agoraphobic Nosebleed’s first response will be “Our merchandise is about embracing your sexuality as a woman, not conforming to the patriarchy’s prude definition of femininity.” Their primary motive for this narrative of accusation and profiteering is financial though. Agoraphobic Nosebleed’s joke cybergrind on Fistful Full of Dope was not able to vault them into name recognition with more popular contemporary grind bands such as Insect Warfare and Gridlink. A new approach was needed for the mostly-unemployable members of the band to supplement their hourly-wage, entry level jobs as drive-through managers, Zamboni operators, bus boys, adult theater janitors, and that chick in every overpriced gym who wipes down the equipment to prevent the spread of methicillin-resistant staph infections. Death Metal Underground’s writers proved effective scapegoats for the band to expand their popularity among radical feminists, leftists, and communists for whom to sell them the same cash grab merchandise that every other band bereft of new material of actual worth shills. Where are the branded pipes and disposable needles?

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17 thoughts on “Agoraphobic Nosebleed Hypocritical Yoga Pants”

  1. fuck off the NPR metal says:

    Notice how all leftist art is just boring nihilism?

    1. 2Pacalyptic Raids says:

      Our nihilism is clearly the superior nihilism!

      *slow wank*

  2. 8==D says:

    I knew this dumpy blue haired bitch with a nose piercing, let’s call her Holly because that was her name. She wrote shitty poetry in the graveyard and called herself genderqueer. Her well-off parents gave her a few thousand dollars to go on a trip to Argentina. A few days after she arrived she updated her blog that her family doesn’t know about, and wrote her bio about how she’s a homeless artist from Argentina. Agoraphobic Nosebleed is a band for the Hollys of the world.

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      I’ve read a fair amount of these kind of postings by now and making up a contrived anti-person in order to vent ones prejudices just doesn’t cut it: Even assuming this story was true, something I seriously doubt, there are lots of blue-haired, nose-pierced, currently-with-a-girl-friend young women from well-off families attending universities in this world, but they don’t write poetry ‘in graveyards’, they’re the same kind of “Party on, sex lifes!” people as their peers, it wouldn’t communicate anything beyond you being acquainted, for some certainly very good reason, with seriously weird people.

      1. C.M. says:

        This is actually a believable story. Maybe you’re just lucky to not know anyone like that but bitches pull this kind of stuff regularly.

        1. Rainer Weikusat says:

          My experience is arguably limited to fairly a small part of Germany (stretching from Koblenz to Mannheim north/south and Kaiserslautern to Wiesbaden west/east), a small part of southern China and an even smaller part of ‘south-middle’ England but this story just rings wrong at every turn: Nose piercings stopped being something out of the ordinary years ago, even decidedly mundane/ bourgeois people have them (reminds me of tribal customs in Africa, btw). These ‘brightly-coloured hair people/ women’ are usually hippies aka punks, what would they do on a graveyeard? Unless graveyards are much more brilliantly lit in the USA than elsewhere, writing anything ‘on a graveyard’, except maybe next to street lamp with dustbin – extremely romantic location – will be seriously difficult. ‘Writing poetry’ is not the same as jotting down random stuff one happens to come up with, that’s just a pet idea of people lacking the organs necessary for understanding it who loathe it because of this, but requires a serious amount of effort, easily months on end, in order to turn an idea into a text. Bagpack tourists won’t travel with ‘several thousands of dollars’ in their pockets, at least not for very long, and ‘a few thousands’ won’t get someone very far for ‘travelling Argentina’ in any other way. ‘Fashionable latin Americians’ are usually middle-american Indians with ancestry (claimed to be) dating back to times before the conquistadors arrived but Argentinia falls short of ‘Indian high culture’ and I’ve never heard in mentioned in this context so far. Lastly, homeless artist is an outright idiotic idea — homeless people are not ‘cute’ for any ‘leftist’ definition of that, rather dirty/ smelly (and who could blame them?), rough-looking and sleeping in odd places. Being hungry, freezing and constantly hunting for food money and reasonably safe places to stay overnight does not begat poetry except in the minds of morons who believe that “welfare” must be paradise on earth but who never went a day involuntarily hungry for all of their lives. All of this is obviously just conjectures and could well be completely wrong.

          I harbour no sympathies for the people (likely) caricatured in this way because all of their so-called culture is (as far as I know) hollow posturing and they’re just the same kind of non-desirables as everyone else with the same petty fights, the same backstabbing, the same flippancy and the same fear/hate for ‘otherness’ (I’ve been at the receiving end of this a couple of times). But I’m hugely in favour of seeing things as they are. That’s usually more than damning enough.

          1. C.M. says:

            “I have no idea what the US is like,” would have sufficed :P

            1. harsh critiquer of vest patcheses says:

              I second this

          2. Confused and frightened individual says:

            Please, contain your autism

  3. Phil says:

    What’s wrong with yoga pants? They look so sexy and never get in the way when I’m throwing around kettlebells at the gym.

  4. Cynical says:

    This band’s leftist pandering is even funnier once you learn that some of their members were also in Anal Cunt.

    1. C.M. says:

      Just their guitarist, who writes all the music and programs all the drums. Pretty ironic, I know.

    2. Rob says:

      I was just about to say that Scott Hull was in Anal Cunt. Hahahaha!!

  5. GGALLIN1776 says:

    If their deathcore crap doesn’t give you a nosebleed,the sight of whatever “body positive” otherkin lard ass squeezed into those dumb pants sure will.

  6. nbr317 says:

    it might have something to do with Kat being a yoga instructor.

    1. -_- says:

      That excuses everything. Man do I feel stupid!

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