Moments after denying that the United States has gone into full panic over COVID-19, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Director Robert Redfield announced a new protocol to permanently eradicate the coronavirus from America. “We must protect the uninfected, and the best way to do that is for the infected to commit violent suicide,” he said.
Following previous recommendations that people wear masks while eating, walking, having sexual intercourse, voting, defecating, shopping, and working, the CDC amplified its strategy of prevention. “Masks prevented you from infecting others,” said Redfield. “Self-immolation guarantees that you will spread the virus to no one. Ever.”
To implement this policy, the CDC handed out the following tip sheet:
Surgeon General Jerome Adams, speaking candidly to the audience, addressed the absolute need to keep the coronavirus isolated. “Americans expect a certain amount of prosperity, even luxury, or dare I say it, detachment from reality,” he said. “COVID-19 has popped our reality bubble, and quite frankly, we do not like it one bit. For this reason, it is imperative that the infected remove themselves so that the rest of us can continue to live in blithe oblivion.”
Adams shrugged. “You know, we told you people to just stay home except for essential travel, but then there you were, going to country music concerts and rioting in the streets. We asked people to wear masks, and half of you did not. We’re trembling here, we’re really scared, and no one is sure if this is the apocalypse or not, but we need to act as if it is, with fully Biblical solutions like self-immolation for all you plague-bearers.”
Director of the National Institute on Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) Anthony Fauci took to the podium next and announced his support for the measure. “When you wear a mask, you ensure that if you are infected, no one else will share your misfortune. We are just taking that to the next step by ensuring that your potentially terminal infection is the last infection, so we can go back to shopping, paying taxes, and ignoring that scary reality out there.”