Dark Horizons: Upcoming Metal for 02/09/2018

As we predicted at the close of last year, a storm of power metal is coming at last and replacing the soon to be dead genre of post-metal.  With beta-male hipsters turning toward retro rehashes of classic metal they are at last abandoning the pretentious nasalings of post metal.  Let us rejoice in the death of post-black metal!

With Fridays becoming the new Tuesdays for metal releases (for reasons unbeknownst), let’s turn our attention to the next meaty drop of 2018 extreme metal.

Visigoth – Conquerer’s Oath

Visigoth mixes power metal with 80’s hair metal, with favoritism leaning towards the latter.  Expect an album of riffs in the style of the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger’s theme.

Frozen Crown – The Fallen King

Female fronted power metal, quest/adventure themed. Basically the music of Mega Man X 2 played on guitars and a woman with a pretty limited range singing over it.  Interesting to see these preppy girls find queendom in metal bands.

Therion – Beloved Antichrist

“Therion with a bold, grandoise concept album on Paradise Lost!”  Yeah, except Symphony X already did this and without the embarrassing vocals.  In my 15 years as a metalhead, I never encountered a single fan of Therion’s music after their demos.  Don’t be that guy.

Ignition  Guided by the Waves

Power metal not unlike Blind Guardian with a strong melodic death metal element.  Talented singer and instrumentalists.  Nothing new or innovative here, but quest metal fans are sure to love it.

King Witch – Under the Mountain

King Witch’s Should of Giants EP received rave reviews, but is it good?  Not exactly.  Female fronted doom that’s better left unsaid (and unheared).  Some creative guitar playing, but an album of this formula is not likely to work.

Crypt Rot / Cringe – Memento Mori | Nocturnal Deterioration

I was surprised to see that these brutal death metal splits are still being released.  Back in the early 2000s, 4 way gore metal splits were rampant throughout the still-young metal internet.  But I guess after Waking the Cadaver happened, the micro genre was virtually obliterated.  This one proves it’s better left rotting.  Rest in piss!


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12 thoughts on “Dark Horizons: Upcoming Metal for 02/09/2018”

  1. >abandoning the pretentious nasalings

    What is Eternal Champion then?

    >preppy girls find queendom
    This is the most feminine thing I’ve ever read on this site, and perhaps anywhere else. Tits or gtfo.

    >never encountered a single fan of Therion’s music after their demos
    you never met me, baby. The first two full lengths are fucking excellent, and the third is okay. Want my number?

    1. Nom de plume says:

      >The first two full lengths are fucking excellent, and the third is okay

      ikr? These three sentence reviews are the worst on this site, especially when they try to take a piss on great olds, like Therion in this case. I understand the concise summation of mediocre albums like “X” did this before it was cool or this albums rips off “X” and “Y” bands, but statements like “I never encountered a single fan of Therion’s music after their demos.” are meaningless unless the author backs it up with a 1200 word essay elaborating his pov.

  2. Gladius et Scutum says:

    Where do women belong in metal, if at all? Or even in music? Music and math are very similar, and every high level math course I’ve taken involved 10% women, at most, and they found success mostly through sheer diligence (one would write her notes in triplicate, and do each homework problem in triplicate) and rote memorization rather than through a thorough grasp of the material. At the symphony there are many excellent women instrumentalists, although very rarely prodigies, but for the life of me I cannot think of one even decent female composer. In pop music, where female songwriters are most prevalent, the overarching trend in their compositions seems to be vacant structuralism. Not to say that women can’t make metal music, but they seem far, far more likely to be terrible at it than men.

    1. I'm black says:

      Ur not even a real man. I bet ur white

    2. Hagel says:

      Women belong as performers. They can be virtuosos at extremely high levels, perhaps the highest levels. There are plenty of examples of Baroque performers which prove this.
      They also belong as female vocalists, for whenever a composer wants to use that instrument. And, in fully vocal music, their frequency range lends itself toward the higher roles, while men tend to get tenor and bass roles.

      Having said that, women are free to attempt to compose music if they want to. I just don’t expect it to be excellent, since all of the greatest music has been created by men.

  3. Poop Ear Worm says:

    Are you sure you didn’t mix up THERION with TIAMAT?

    1. Tiamat sucks all around even at demo level, your comment is wishful thinking. show me you are tits.

  4. taller more autistic looking man says:

    So I guess in the author’s ’15 years in metal’, he never checked out the DLA or ‘encountered’ anyone into decent Swedish stuff.

    He was probably too busy doing other things, probably involving meaty drops…

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