Has Speed Metal Finally Become Assimilated?

From the flood of nonsense going through the news feeds, a sign that speed metal has gone mainstream:

A woman in New Zealand, refusing to bring another Mackenzie or Jack into the world, has named her three kids “Metallica,” “Pantera,” and “Slayer.”

Farrier reached out to New Zealand’s Registrar-General to inquire as to whether “there are any restrictions naming babies after band names, or albums.” He was told that there aren’t, “as long as the word used is not generally considered to be offensive or does not resemble an official rank or title.” This may rule out naming a baby after one of your favorite grindcore acts, but it did allow Farrier to verify the fact that Baby Metallica’s middle name is also—we’re not kidding—“And Justice For All.”

These kids will either have the best or absolute worst time in school, depending primarily on whether ‘80s thrash is currently cool with the youth—and whether lil’ Metallica has to deal with terrible classmates like “Napster” and “Decent Snare Drum Mixing.”

After nu-metal introduced chunky monkey riffs and gargled horse semen vocals to mainstream audiences, the percussive fast strumming riffs of Metallica, Overkill, Testament, Megadeth, Exodus, Anthrax, and their derivates (Pantera) probably seem tame, as do the later Slayer albums built around bouncy riffs and plaintively angry vocals.

When even Alex Jones uses Metallica songs for his interstitial music, and nostalgia for the 1980s and 1990s has overwhelmed a Western Civilization looking at the post-Clinton neo-Communist NWO disaster at the same time that people are seeking music from a mentally less muddled time, speed metal has become the archetype of all heavy metal, and therefore, has been easily assimilated by industry and mass culture.

Perhaps this explains why so many of the original death metal and black metal bands chose proudly to be underground, figuring that a few years of musical and artistic honesty would beat out becoming a careerist in a corrupt industry only to morph into Dad Rock as their fans aged into complacent suburban wage-serfdom.

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6 thoughts on “Has Speed Metal Finally Become Assimilated?”

  1. Sodomeme says:

    … and sodomy will change from something deviant and shameful to something mundane your parents practice between the sheets in the dark… oh wait

  2. Spaniard says:

    Even the ugly duckling former member, Jason Newsted, is rolling in the Man’s wampum. Just off of the Montana ranch he’s selling he’s worth $4.95 million. This isn’t including the rest of his properties which are all worth millions and not to mention his myriad investments in commodities, stocks, bonds as well as royalties for his Metallica output.

    You gotta love these “rebels” who revel in speaking truth to power and sticking it to the Man; that is until they get their first sip of the Man’s champagne. How quickly we go from, “the ultimate in vanity” and criticizing corrupt officials for “exploiting their supremacy” to becoming a wealthy beneficiary of that which you railed against. After confirmation bias, calling out hypocrite poseurs may be my favorite high. Money and metal mix like two dicks; that is they don’t. Metal is a no frot zone and for the most part, the musicians with the most intact legacies are the ones just getting by.

    1. Gnarly says:

      The “calling out”, then, was probably always just a way of gaining power. With money, they just found a more efficient way of doing that. C’est la vie.

  3. Pat says:

    Naming the one “Pantera” was, I assume, a tip of the cap to the LGBT community.

  4. Why does Alex Jones use Metallica for bumper music on his show, and not Megadeth ?
    Dave Mustaine has been on his show more than once.
    I doubt anyone in Metallica ever has.

    1. It’s a good question. Initial perception: Mustaine is high and squeaky, Metallica is bassy and low, much like everything else on the show.

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