Metal Molester 2017 So Far SMR

Article by Linus Douglas.

As these Observer posers speed past 2017’s halfway point, they present a selection that is indeed a dumpster fire representative of the shit pool that their mainstream metal listening provides them with. Only those who need to be eradicated (rapists, communists, child molesters, serial killers, hipsters, etc.) genuinely think that stoner rock and boring, slow heavy rock bands are examples of heavy metal. Their piss-poor “culling” (badass, huh?) from the “metal cauldron” of mee-maw’s recipes was as follows:

10. Toby Dive – Madonnawhore (2017)
How is this even… what the… who calls this metal, unless you are a groupie bimbo from Alabama. On top of that, it’s being called “progressive”, in the same way that they tag anything that sounds like the hipster fest Dream Theater was once famous for. Like “culled”, “progressive” here is probably reaped from Marxo-groucho vocabulary, and apparently, this stinky retardation is what Brooklyn scenesters are all about.

Verdict: Turds Slowly Floating Down the River
Replace with: Dead Can DanceAnastasis (2012)

9. Artificial Brain – Infrared Horizon (2017)
Porky metalcore vocals alternated with metalcore screams, this technocore riff epilepsy is supposed to appear seriously aggressive and scary, but it only manages to call attention to the awkwardness of the contrast between your poser beard and your manicured hands, which that squared-pattern turtle neck sweater does not help with either.

Verdict: Square-Shaped Dildo Frantic Sodomization
Replace with: MaleficarumAcross the Heavens (1995)

8. Endon – Through the Mirror (2017)
A cover image full of men and penis suggestions, what else could you expect from these effeminate prancing man-boys? Their reverse pooping of logs as fast as they possibly can while ingesting hot dogs may come to explain what they are trying to do here. This is the only possible explanation for the sonic comedy freak show these panzies put on for their equally impaired friends.

Verdict: Lobotomized by Equality
Replace with: Nuclear DeathCarrion for Worm (1991)

7. Luminous Vault – Charismata (2017)
When a Hispanic calls himself an extreme-music composer, you must prepare yourself for double the dose of Marxo-poserism-inspired pseudo-art. While the average hipster from the U.S.A. will prove vacuous enough, there is no comparison to the degree of product degeneracy in generic imitation that a pretentious wetback can introduce to the mix.

Verdict: Tijuana Ponchos Go Hipster
Replace with: Shub Niggurath – The Kinglike Celebration (1997)

6. Cinema Cinema – Man Bites Dog (2017)
Seriously, guys? Metal? And with that name that brings these totaly beta “males” closer to mathesque groove rock baby punk than to anything remotely Vir-infused.

Verdict: The repeated mating calls of the mentally retarded
Replace with: GridlinkLonghena (2014)

5. GRID – GRID (2017)
If your band has a “sax shredder” and people who are all for “pedo sexuality”, it may be reasonable to suggest that your music might not be the most coherent or worth anyone’s while. Listening to this is boring and intrinsically lobotomizing and emasculating

Verdict: Gay-Related Immune Deficiency
Replace with: DisembowelmentTranscendence into the Peripheral (1993)

4. Brandon Seabrook – Die Trommel Fatale (2017)
Who is this unbelievable piece of work? This is the worst of joke avant-garde deconstruction, magnified ten times and made louder. A guy playing nonsense bits with dis-rhythmic attacks is considered in modern academia as fashionable and “interesting”. And, apparently, “loud” and “has screams” equals “metal” for this bunch. Who visits and listens to these idiotic recommendations by these rich-boy peddlers on Metal Molester?

Verdict: Awkward Nonsense for Swedish meatball gobblers
Replace with: NecrobiosisThe Pile of Decayed Entrails (1993)

3. Kelly Moran – Bloodroot (2017)
Anyone with money and free time these days can be a “virtuosic pianist and composer”, and apparently it does not take much, apart from social connections, to be called the latter. According to Metal Molester, there is some black metal to be found here. But all you have here is run-of-the-mill pop pseudo-classical tunes a la poser Philip Glass played on a basically prepared piano (which accounts for the metallic vibrations upon key-hit).

Verdict: Moron plays art with trust funds
Replace with: Carl Nielsen – Symphony No. 2, “The Four Temperaments”

2. John Frum – A Stirring in the Noos (2017)
What’s with calling all this experimental jazzesque noise nonsense “metal”? Is someone financing Metal Molester to pander all this trust fund garbage to the masses of gullible, pretentious cafe frequenteurs? In all fairness, we could tag this as wierdo space metalcore with slam influences.

Verdict: Stunning Cleansing in Coprophagy
Replace with: D.B.C.Dead Brain Cells (1987)

1. Aseethe – Hopes of Failure (2017)
Some chords, some bounces, some imitation of metal but never actually going anywhere. It could be called metal, the first one on this list to almost gain that right, but it never actually finishes a song, it just plays some distorted power chords, screams a bit more, and then… why even bother doing more? I guess…? I guess Metal Molester only picked something that kinda sounded like metal to put on top of the list so that their bullshit wouldn’t be as obvious.

Verdict: Incomplete Screamo Power-Chord Fuckery for Dumbasses
Replace with: AsphyxLast One on Earth (1992)

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7 thoughts on “Metal Molester 2017 So Far SMR”

  1. Belano says:

    Nice article. I think this is a good idea for the SMR: instead of criticizing a lot of intrascendental works that nobody knows of (a complaint done on several ocassions by some of the readers here), taking only those that are being hyped or reviewed as good metal by other pages and showing why they are bad is a better approach for the objective the SMR section is trying to achieve: it’s not only important to promote good metal but also denounce bad -or, as in this case, some works that aren’t even metal.

  2. Deport All Hipsters says:

    Most of those have telling artwork, hard to say which is the worst.

  3. Deport All Hipsters says:

    Also thanks for the album recommandations, this makes reading this even more worthwhile.

    I’m nicely surprised this site has reviewed Dead Can Dance.

  4. GGALLIN1776 says:

    Is that last pic one of Chicago’s trendy parks?

  5. Flying Kites says:

    “Awkward Nonsense for Swedish meatball gobblers” is a very creative statement. You hit number one on google with that.

  6. I Sacrificed My ANUS To Brett Stevens says:

    So far, I’ve yet to listen to the new Desecresy or Cromlech, but out of everything I’ve heard so far this year Satan’s Hallow debut, the Disma single and Heresiarch’s newest are the only worthy releases this year. Looking forward to the new Morbid Angel and Blood releases though, hopefully they don’t disappoint.

    1. Agreed on the Desecresy and Heresiarch. Cromlech is good and parts of that Elfsgendroch (?) band are excellent but they can’t keep up the momentum for the whole LP.

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