Sadistic Metal Reviews 12-23-2016

Lvcifyre – Svn Eater (2014)
This sounds like Dethklok and Dark Funeral fucked. Anvl Nvthrvkh with Karl Sanders doing guest vocals through the drive through mic at Taco Bell. Karl Sanders talking to his mom on the phone about when he can come over to do his laundry: “you know you left your undies in the dryer Karl!” Karl ‘Colonel’ Sanders. Karl Sanders yelling at his mother about how he has to go to the Apple Store because someone stepped on the USB cable he uses to play his intros at Nile shows. Karl Sanders at Church’s Chicken arguing over only getting four pieces of chicken in his five piece meal.

In Flames – Battles (2016)
Unlike the other Gothenburg influenced bullshit on this list, In Flames actually has riffs; they just aren’t very good. The real problem is In Flames sound more like Linkin Park than At the Gates or even Amon Amarth. When Amon Amarth is a better metal band than you, you have problems that need solving. Perhaps In Flames should call Mr. Wolf before shooting themselves.

Satanic Warmaster – Black Metal Kommando / Gas Chamber (2005)
How is this symphonic black punk supposed to inspire me to toss the untermenschen into the murder showers? Satanic Warmaster miss the point entirely. This is not effective black metal, this is music for boogieing at a gay industrial club like if Celtic Frost adopted the fruitier aspects of late 90s black metal.

Maldoror – In Saturn Mystique (2016)
If this is black metal, I have syphilis and drug resistant gonorrhea from fucking squealing Japanese hookers in Okinawa. This is how homosexual the hot topic black metal became in the late 90s. I feel like my testicles ascended back into my crotch and a ghost dick is ass fucking me. Bill Cosby as Ghost Dad is trying to drug and rape me as he thinks my skinny Aryan physique is womanly. How do you stab a ghost 23 times in the face?

Irae / Moribund – Our Worship To Epidemic Suicide And Death Of The World (2016)
Raw black metal demo split. Not awful, not great, just okay. Nothing special. Not worth checking out. Not worth throwing at a homeless person. Definitely worth trading into a used record store for three dollars of credit toward something better.

Eternal Champion – The Armor of Ire
Sega Genesis power metal with a chop suey purre of leftover riffs. Manilla Road with Megadeth style speed metal riffing if Dave Mustaine was autistic and loved The Lord of the Rings for the lurid descriptions of tower battlements, wizards’ beards, and elven breads. This makes one want to crank Cirith Ungol.

Deathcult – Beasts of Faith (2016)
Lame Entombed ripoff. If this is the future of metal, I want to get a Hitler Youth haircut like Richard Spencer, start wearing neon tank tops, show off my chest pube pompadour, and die in a fire dancing at a drug-fueled gay communist warehouse dance party in Oakland.

Irillion – Egledhron (2016)
Flowing black metal for South America instead of Eastern Europe. Irillion have some good riffs and melodies they should make the centerpieces of their songs and progress to fitting melodic conclusions instead of meandering about like flowing Eastern European blackened heavy metal. As they are presented on Egledhron, they wear out their welcome and become fairly boring rather quickly. This band has some potential though unlike the likes of Deathcult.

Akral Necrosis – Underlight (2016)
This has riffs? How surprising. They’re not very well arranged but they riffs. This is black metal made into rock music with glam metal solos for a lowest common denominator beer metal audience.

False Reality – End of Eternity (2016)
Happy Gothenburg black metal for gays and lesbians carrying rainbow flags at the pride parade about to be pick-pocketed by gypsies the moment they venture onto an off-street.

Blutrina – Looney Fuckin’ Grind (2016)
Stolen caveman metal riffs jammed together for shows at the local arcade bar.

Ashaena – Calea (2016)
Black ‘n’ roll bullshit for bearded hipster idiots in flannel. An ersatz Eastern block version of Agalloch‘s bullshit

Greyablaze – Greyablaze (2016)
Emo Eastern Block Flowing Black Metal Bullshit. Generic as hell riffs here. Nothing you haven’t heard before with whining Ukrainians this time around. I don’t care about how the Cossacks burned your shtetl.

Zora – Scream Your Hate (2016)
Death metal simplified down into speed metal for a drunk audience who wants to hit each other. Think Malevolent Creation if they were D-listers on Unique Leader with lots of funderground bouncy riffs for moshing.

Furia – Księżyc milczy luty (2016)
Stomp rock meets stoner doom pretending to be black metal for those with brain damage due to chronic alcoholic encephalopathy from thiamine deficiency.

Theocracy – Ghost Ship (2016)
Glam metal pretending to be “melodic death metal” but lighter than Motley Crue. Lick my love pump.

Lost Opera – Hidden Sides (2016)
Symphonic metalcore for double-chinned neckbeard Wiccans who hang out at Renaissance Faires to be sloppy seconds for fat goths in corsets.

Skin Drone – Evocation (2016)
Deathcore that you can’t even mosh to; tek deaf core. You can’t play air guitar to this, you can’t sing along to the emo choruses, you can’t mosh to this. WTF am I, Axl Rosenberg, one of the MetalCucks crew and guest contributor to DMU, supposed to do to this other than continue pounding away into my anime body pillow that was soiled by Vince and Rhombus?

Magoa – Imperial (2016)
The French Empires fell you metalcore idiots. The Battles of Waterloo and Dien Bien Phu happened. You lost. Deal with it.

FlaktiiN – Souls for the Legions (2016)
War metal for the Legions? Souls for the eternal fight against the barbarians that threaten the light of civilizations? Wrong! This is relatively riffless war metal that should be scourged to death. This is not even worth crucifying.

Forlet Sires – Journey Towards Ruin (2016)
Hipster post rock carnival music pretending to be black metal.

Calligram – Demimonde (2016)
Metalcore pretending to be black metal for idiots.

N​.​K​.​V​.​D – Totalitarian Industrial Oppression (2016)
Noisy metalcore pretending to be underground black metal for idiot Nuclear War Now! Productions forum dwellers.

Black Oath – Litanies in the Dark (2016)
Stoner doom rock bullshit. Fails at life. Should die in a bong fire.

Clangforge – Nonetheless (2016)
Heartwork simplified down into metalcore with gang vocal choruses for high school dropouts working part-time service industry jobs.

Carnality – Dystopia (2016)
Brutal metalcore for ‘tard.

Sybernetyks – Dream Machine (2016)
AIDS machines. This record is like bringing a dirty needle to a hobo junkie gangbang.

Not Above Evil – Always Darkest Before (2016)
In Flames wannabes coming out twenty years too late. Sorry bwos, you’re band is awful. Perhaps if you focused on your songwriting and cut all the death metal parts you are awful at, you could be an effective traditional heavy metal band with the harmonized leads if you had some good riffs but you guys don’t right now.

Gaerea – Gaerea (2016)
Lame modern black metal as vocal driven rock music. These guys want to be Master’s Hammer on The Jilemnice Occultist so hard but fail so miserably.

Obscure Sphinx – Epitaphs (2016)
Lame hipster black ‘n’ roll, fun core trends mosh bullshit for dudes who masturbated to Enya infomercials back in 1996.

Incandescence – Les Ténèbres Murmurent mon nom (2016)
Metalcore garbage. Not black metal. Stop releasing albums not black metal that are claiming to be black metal.

Noise Trail Immersion – Womb (2016)
Post hardcore idiocy for wiggers who would get stabbed at an actual 80s hardcore show.

Diatonic – I Am the One (2016)
You are the metalcore, not the Neo.

Starkill – Shadow Sleep (2016)
More shitty Heartwork worship made into Christian rock music for thirteen year old girls with clean vocal choruses for them to emotionally identify with and praise Jesus too.

Karg – Weltenasche (2016)
Boring ambient music for goths who cry when they masturbate to pornography as those women were exploited as they were 22 year old coke heads fucking on video for blow.

Void Meditation Cult – Utter the Tongue of the Dead (2016)
Lame Paul Ledney cock knobbling / DemoncyJoined in Darkness (Ixithra knobbling on Paul Ledney’s cock) cock knobbling from Paul Ledney’s own label. Nope.

Dreamshade – Vibrant (2016)
2006 MTV2 Metalcore ten years too late.

Macabre Decay – Macabre Decay Demo (2016)
Entombed meets metalcore. Cut some of the overlong solos, cut the stupid bouncy crust riffs, cut the breakdowns, cut the Slaughter of the Soul crap, refine your compositions into melodic narratives, utilize some of your effective tremolo picked riffs better. Then you might have a decent second demo. Otherwise, this is random carnival music bullshit.

Ophidius – The Way of the Voice
Symphonic post hardcore bullshit carnival music tekdeaf pretending to be death metal.

Aphyxion – Aftermath (2016)
Aph-shits-on the toilet seat.

Grausig – Di Belakang Garis Musuh (2016)
Ethnic deathcore for cuckholded hipsters with ear gauges who let their girlfriend with a lesbian haircut fuck other dudes in their bedroom.

Soul Seller – Matter of Faith (2016)
Whiny glam rock is possible.

Trauer – A Walk Into The Twilight (2016)
A walk to the toilet.

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31 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews 12-23-2016”

  1. GGALLIN1776 says:

    N. K​.​V​.​D – Totalitarian Industrial Oppression (2016)

    New wave homosexual zionism for the unwashed sjw commie masses.

  2. Rainer Weikusat says:

    Some random thoughts in opposite order.
    [Soul Seller]

    In case a Bon Jovi fan reads this, do you think this is good? (serious question)

    Grausig – Indonesian band, bills itself as ‘brutal death metal’ but pretty lame for that. Names in alien languages can backfire: A dictionary might explain »grausig« as »horrible« (old-fashioned) but it really means »abysmal« nowadays.

    Macabre Decay – Swedish but not a HM-2 band. Really odd mix of stereotypical and not very well-played ‘brutal death metal’ parts, acoustic ‘reflectiveness’ (Besinnlichkeit) and rock cliches. Notschlachtung dringend geboten (“cull before it spreads”).

    Noise Trail Immersion – nu Killing Joke heavy terror funk, future hit inevitable. That’s the kind of stuff rock clubs play nowadays and not the worst of it. Not recommended when sober.

    Obscure Sphinx – Woman who alternates between screaming and ‘beautiful’ alto/ mezzo-soprano singing with an unexciting, male backing band getting lost in instrumentals, some of them melodically black-metal styled. People who had the mispleasure to live through the 1990s should know about a thousand better done variants of this, all mercifully washed away by the current of time. I saw a cranberry the other day, no doubt, and it wasn’t blonde.

    Zora – ‘brutal death metal’ again. The vocals are a bit overdone, more “gargle with your tonsilitis medicine” than “scream your hate” but a real relief at this point. Blinded is pretty horrible but the 7th track was ok. Simple and composed of pre-fabricated parts which don’t really fit together but I’d take this over all the force-faked depth any time.

    An attempt to listen to Deathcult had to be aborted because of prior crap overload and extreme commonplaceness.

    1. Necronomeconomist says:

      I do like old Bon Jovi.
      That Soul Seller song is swill. Sounds like System of Down Syndrome Child trying to be an angry Tom Petty. Plus a dash of 2007 late-entrants to the post-punk revival — the Bravery’s chiming guitars and weakly-disco drumbeat.

      See further explanation here:

  3. LostInTheANUS says:

    “I have syphilis and drug resistant gonorrhea from fucking squealing Japanese hookers in Okinawa”
    Okinawan, huh? I bet you’re a 3rd Dan Shōrin-ryū or Shotokan karateka too huh, faggot?
    Karate is for boys, Judo is for men.

    1. S.C. says:

      Guns are for people who actually like to make shit happen…

      1. LostInTheANUS says:

        I see the argument you’re trying to make and I agree completely.

        1. S.C. says:

          Excellent! Then I not only tried, but succeeded! And you understand that hand to hand combat is, in a general modern context, merely for sport and game!

          1. LostInTheANUS says:

            Knowledge of CQC is still important, one must know both how to shoot well and break someone’s neck easily.

  4. Rainer Weikusat says:

    The first track of the Irae / Moribund ‘split demo’ is available via soundcloud and easily beats anything else from this collection I’ve listened to. Vaguely bell-sounding guitars and vocals full of crawling madness with occasional outburts of aggression over a stream of blast beats and a sound to match that. If I had a way to play tapes, I’d probably buy that.

    Not suitable for “our glorious pagan heritage” mystics.

  5. Prehensile Sepulchurlist says:

    Dear staff,

    How much of each LP do you listen to, before excoriation?

    I hope you listen through at least 5 times, in a darkened room, to be giving us the most thorough investigation.

  6. Anthony says:

    Did a Slav steal your girlfriend at some point?

    1. OliveFox says:

      A runaway slave raped my great, great, great aunt back in the old days. Does that count?

  7. matters says:

    You don’t like the new In Flames?? Jeez…

    What happened to those people in the bottom picture? Was it drink n’ drown night?

  8. Roger says:

    This SMR, and what seems like most of them recently, are turning into autism festivals for an obviously disgruntled nihilist loser.

    1. Can you survive the blitzkrieg says:

      Real winners can milk goodness out of any ole turd right?

    2. Rainer Weikusat says:

      This comment, and what seems like most of them recently, appears to be part of a test series of a not overly sopisticated communication bot. The sentencs it generates are restricted to about three basic topics represented by signifier words and it doesn’t seem to be capable of learning from feedback.

      Coming to think if it, this sounds pretty human.

      1. Roger says:

        Dude. SMR have turned into basically one sentence judgments made upon albums, as if said judgments were the word of God, when they are merely the subjective excretions of an obviously depressed, disgruntled nihilist.

        There is no point to doing them, except to be an angry, depressed, disgruntled nihilist.

        1. Roger says:

          And, I forgot to mention: The autism reigns supreme, too.

          1. LostInTheANUS says:

            There is nothing wrong with having the ’tism.

            1. What the internet refers to as the ’tism is many things: rigid thinking, extremely self-referential perspectives, but most of all, an insistence on logic/fact/order over social pressures. That last one would be a huge improvement in humanity.

        2. Rainer Weikusat says:

          Criticizing the author of some text based on some interpretation of the narrator (a fictional person) is pretty pointless: This text could have been written by a giant, extraterrestian, yellow kraken with a disassociative identity disorder named ‘mankind’. As I don’t know him and likely won’t ever get to know him, that’s not so interesting.

          1. Much like one must pay attention to reality instead of human reason, it makes sense to look at the text itself instead of the writer, with one caveat: it helps to know how terms are used in that time and region. Language adds a layer of difficulty.

            Merry Christmas!

      2. harsh critiquer of vest patcheses says:

        It is a good thing you are so beyond it all as to have almost supernatural powers of observation, we are very impressed.

    3. Necronomeconomist says:

      Roger, were the older S.M.Rs. NOT?

  9. Ludvig B.B (vOddy) says:

    Happy Gothenburg black metal for gays and lesbians carrying rainbow flags at the pride parade about to be pick-pocketed by gypsies the moment they venture onto an off-street.

    Ha. I chuckled.

  10. Vigilance says:

    We don’t need their laws together we destroy
    And I won’t let them ruin the one thing I enjoy
    Tonight’s the night we finally get to rip this place apart
    And this is how we turn your boring party into art

  11. Necronomeconomist says:

    Here’s what I’ve listened to today:

    At the Gates — ‘Within — The Red ‘n the Sky is Ours
    Richard Marx — ‘Hold on2 the Night’/’Should’ve Known Better’ — s/t
    Disembowelment — ‘A Burial at Ornans’ — Transcendence in2 the Peripherial
    Huey Lewis & the News — ‘Stuck with U’ — Fore!
    Incantation — ‘Debauchery’ — Dirges of Elysium

    I like the (obvious) contrasts.
    To what ought I listen next?

    1. Pig Champion the great says:

      alphaville-big in japan
      lazerhawk- redline
      fast as a shark-accept
      blood and honour-tank
      le parc(street hawk theme)-tangerine dreams
      i want out-helloween
      one of these days-pink floyd
      children of the grave- black sabbath
      jim dandy- black oak arkansas
      diamonds and rust-judas priest

    2. this trip is turning into a bit letdown says:

      Maneater – Hall ‘n Oats

  12. Rainer Weikusat says:

    Self-description of Chilean band Cenizas (from the notes to the current Terrorizer ‘Fear Candy’) CD

    Cenizas is a Chilean melodic death metal/ hardcore band from Santiago. The band […] collectively believes in both animal and human liberation, promoting a vegan lifestyle and writing lyrics with both political and social criticism.

    One could imagine the track listof their debut album reading like:

    Skin Potatoes Alive
    Incoming Orange Juice
    Crush The Celery
    Unholy Black Peas
    Sentenced By Porridge
    Deer Upon Them
    Switchblade Nutsfuck
    Scent Of The Curried
    Vegan Fears
    Pure Fucking Rohododendron

    Available on 180g transparent cork sourced responsible trees. Gluten- and nutfree version
    on request. Hail the wild rocket!

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      Just in case someone’s wondering (probably not). That’s how this assimilation looks like: It’s (superficially) metal-styled but instead of dealing with “stuff that matters” (to an individual surviving in the world as it is), it’s “really extreme health & beauty weekly”-themed. Stereotypical political “anti-” topics like “fighting against the system” or “human and animal liberations” are really escapist: They create the illusion of a better world just around the corner but there isn’t one, just more supermarket shelves stocked to cater to whatever the currently most popular delusions happen to be.

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