Sadistic Metal Reviews 3-15-2017

Tomb Mold – Primordial Malignity (2017)
Death influenced crossover thrash for beer metallers. Tomb Mold are tailor-made to play bar shows after a bunch of shitty hardcore bands with mediocre pizza served. Fuck off and die.

Cryptic Realms – Enraptured by Horror (2016)
Cryptic Realms play obituary influenced speed metal. They have potential but need to listen to Cause of Death, Altars of Madness, Blessed are the Sick, and Blizzard Beasts until they get the riff maze as melodic narrative down. Right now on Enraptured by Horror, they merely construct songs around riffs that aren’t particularly strong. Cryptic Realms really has no reason to exist beyond its constituent musicians’ love of Obituary, Autopsy, and Death.

Ride for Revenge – Thy Horrendous Yearning (2017)
Crossover thrash based war metal meets stoner doom to hit two hipster audiences at once! Ride for Revenge stuck two dicks in one hole! Or is that one dick in two holes? Is that possible? Can one dick transcend time and space? Could Jesus’s dick? Thy Horrendous Yearning is boring and sucks. Who wants to listen to slow thrash? Fuck off and die.

Tygers of Pan Tang – Tygers of Pan Tang (2017)
Tygers of Pan Tang now play Metallica influenced glam rock sort of like Skid Row but more melodic. This self-titled album is a pitiful attempt to remain relevant and tour behind just like the recent Diamond Head effort. Tygers of Pan Tang isn’t really recommended for even Motley Crue fans being an incredibly generic release that would’ve sat on shelves in 1984 too. Fuck off and die.

IC Rex – Tulen Jumalat (2017)
Occult black ‘n’ roll drone indie rock for idiots. Left hand path? This is Kabbalistic Judaic esotericism. Good job trying to virtue signal this you idiots to Order of the Nine Angles types and Nidrossian scenesters. IC Rex’s songs go fucking nowhere but to chanting and exclamations of HIV positivity. Fuck off and die.

Coldborn – Lingering Voidwards (2017)
Coldborn worship Darkthrone and Mayhem in way too long songs that go nowhere. Lingering Voidwards needs someone like Rick Rubin to take a razorblade to it; these songs are so long as to become lulling and lose listeners’ attention. Not everyone can be good at playing and writing black metal. Coldborn are certainly not. Black metal is not equal opporturnity; black metal is elitist and was always so. Coldborn are yet another d-list band clogging up pressing plants. Fuck off and die.

Swine Soul – Black Noise Plague (2017)
Hipster black ‘n’ roll noise rock attempting to be transgressive. Songs go nowhere. Love the goregrind cover though Swine Soul but never the less fuck off and die.

Crurifragium – Beasts of the Temple of Satan (2017)
Blasphemy influenced crossover thrash/grind. Sell this to the Nuclear Durr Now! Productions forum crowd guys. Musically worthless marketable product. Is that supposed to be a Chris Moyen knockoff drawing of Liono from Thundercats? Thunder thunder thunder Thundercats! Ho! When cartoon theme songs are better than your war metal album. Mumm-ra was more metal than you.

Óreiða – Demo 1 (2017)
Typical raw black metal drones on forever until it hits a hook. This is mostly noisy punk rock but the third track, “Skuggin”, has a good riff. Too bad that track is cut short on this otherwise mediocre demo.

Season of Arrows – Give it to the Mountain (2017)
Female-fronted stoner doom for idiots. Give it to the trash. This sounds like the Oath with less hot chicks. You have to have hot chicks and not women who look like men if you want to succeed at stoner doom idiocy Season of Arrows. Who are you going to sleep with for success now? Are you going to whine to Vice we are sexist like the midget lesbian from Agoraphobic Nosebleed? Your shitty stoner rock sucks so fuck off and die.

Kratornas – Devoured by Damnation (2017)
Kratornas play extreme speed metal based grindcore for beer metal fans. Nothing is particularly memorable about these scenesters. Do Kratornas even have an original riff? Probably not. Fuck off and die.

Hessaja – Planet Sedam: ISON (2017)
Post-hardcore meets hipster whining ball crush fetish screamo rock. Fuck off and die.

Battle Beast – Unholy Savior (2017)
Female-fronted nu-“metal” for gender queers who should’ve been bullied more in high school for being fags. Fuck off and die.

Teramobil – Magnitude of Thoughts (2016)
Instrumental mathcore masturbation. All over the place like a tic-laden Tourette’s sufferer with ADHD. Teramobil make no sense whatsoever; Magnitude of Thoughts sounds like a malfunctioned touch-tone telephone switchboard. Fuck off and die.

Lacerated and Carbonized – Narcohell (2016)
Singalong death ‘n’ roll bar rock. Lacerated and Carbonized are more energetic than turds like Wolverine Blues though, being on a Hail of Bullets level. Fuck off and die.

Aethyr – Uncanny Valley (2016)
Hipster droning ambient folk rock pretending to be black metal. Zero point zero. Fuck off and die.

Blaine Rohmer – Curse of the Rising Star (2016)
Happy metalcore idiocy for babies and catamites. Fuck off and die.

Gloson – Grimen (2017)
Sludgy deathcore for hipster idiots. Fuck off and die.

Self-Hatred – Theia (2016)
I hate you Self-Hatred. Now hate yourselves. Slit your wrists. Fuck off and die.

Diktatur – L’Agonie d’Un Monde (2016)
Sing along black ‘n’ roll hispter idiocy. Fuck off and die.

Wrath of Echoes – A Fading Bloodline (2017)
Stoner metalcore. Fuck off and die.

Doom’s Day – The Whore (2017)
Lucky charms stoner metalcore. Fuck off and die.

Ambivalence – Hyena’s Breath (2017)
Deathcore. Fuck off and die.

Spectral – Arctic Sunrise (2017)
Sacramentum and Summoning influenced metalcore. Fuck off and die.

Arkhaeon – Beyond (2017)
Hipster whine drone rock. Fuck off and die.

Evil Priest – Evil Priest (2017)
Morbid Angel influenced boring war metal. Fuck off and die.

Ululatum Tollunt – Quantum Noose of Usurpation (2017)
Crossover thrash influenced grinding war metal with nothing special standing out. Fuck off and die too.

The Descent- The Coven of Rats (2016)
Deathcore. Fuck off and die.

Maloic – Death (2017)
Rich brahmins with waxed buttholes playing atonal metalcore. Fuck off and die.

Grimmd – Demo I – II (2017)
Hipster drone screamo ‘n’ roll pretending to be black metal for a Vice Noisey reading idiot audience. Fuck off and die.

Ónefnt – Demo (2017)
Hipster sing-along stoner noise rock. Fuck off and die.

Mordant – Demonic Satanic (2016)
Rethrashed lucky charms metalcore. Fuck off and die.

Nephilim – Disciplined (2016)
Slaughter of the Soul influenced metalcore. Fuck off and die.

The Flight of Sleipnir – Skadi (2017)
Boring stoner metalcore you can’t even mosh to. Fuck off and die.

Dreaming Dead – Funeral Twilight (2017)
Bouncy speed metal and Death influenced metalcore with annoying Kreator-like vocals. Fuck off and die.

Maze Of Sothoth – Soul Demise (2017)
Nile and Hate Eternal style tekdeafcore vocal-driven carnival music. Where are the riffs? Fuck off and die.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

37 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews 3-15-2017”

  1. GGALLIN1776 says:

    Hyena’s Breath? Fuck off and die.

    I thought black history month was over, why the pictures of Al Sharpton/Michael Obama? Fuck off and die.

    1. canadaspaceman says:


  2. Mormon Meth Dream says:

    tl;dr “Everything is awful.”

  3. Interracial Porn and Arghoslent says:

    I like Flight of Sleipnir, but I’m not going to grow a sandy vagina over this terse refutation of their works. I’m much too masculine, virile and endowed to behave in such a way.

    1. gorewhore says:

      Don’t forget handsome and a good listener.

  4. Parasite says:

    I had no idea the volume of metal that is produced was this high and of such low quality… yikes. When the fuck is a quality band like Arghoslent going to release another album? Eh Maraat?

    1. LostInTheANUS says:

      When they stop jerking off to interracial porn.

    2. S.C. says:

      How would Maraat know? He’s not a musician or is ever or ever was any literal part of metal. He just writes reviews: The lowest form of artistic expression. A parasite of actual artist’s work.

  5. canadaspaceman says:

    shame on you.
    Kratornas have been around a long time, and probably not in it for money, as barely anybody knows who that Flip is.
    yes, Kratornas is fast, brash, harsh, unmemorable, speed/thrash/black/death metal.
    Kratornas is honest metal – just doesn’t give a fuck about the rest of us, and yet rages.

  6. Kvädare says:

    Rob Halford is a fag. I wouldn’t bully him for it.

    1. GGALLIN1776 says:

      If you bullied him, I think he would rape you.

      Forced entry reimagined.

  7. canadaspaceman says:

    black history month … ah, yes, more about the peanut farmer, and Clinton, and the racemixer having sex in churches, ‘after hours’ —that commie fag was “murdered” ..who cares …. yeah fuck him. at least malcolm x had morals.

    1. GGALLIN1776 says:

      Bhm needs to be changed to “participation award for doing nothing month”. It’s pretty sad when an entire race can only list off a peanut device, an affirmative action president (well, half of him) & whining as the whole of their contributions to humanity.

      Imagine what they would ask for if they did something significant like inventing the saturn rocket.

      1. Syphilis says:

        “contributions to humanity”

        If someone ever mentions something about contributing, or bettering “humanity” then the bullshit detector should be spiking instantly.

    2. C.I.L.L. says:

      and Marcus Garvey

  8. Marc Defranco says:

    I still like Ride for Revenge especially the first few albums

    1. canadaspaceman says:

      heck yeah, R f R has some cool stuff , nobody should ever get on the anti-NWN bandwagon even if NWN are actually faggots

      1. Marc Defranco says:

        Yeah those first few albums are killer like a really blown out Beherit, slowed down and covered in mud. That’s what I think of at least. I will admit the album above though is not so good especially compared to the rest. I don’t mind NWN and I think the label owner is a cool guy. Just some lames on the forum but the forum is really useful for finding new releases

        1. YK is cool and has some good recommendations. NWN does some great reissues but most of their new stuff is lame war metal. The forum is mostly cancerous idiots who migrated over from the Full Moon Productions board.

          1. Marc Defranco says:


    2. Serpent Fucking Lolita Edgelord says:

      Newest Ride for Revenge, as with the past two, have been kind of a disappointment. They traded in their early incarnation weirdness for a more predictable sludge/doom approach. I just don’t need Brainbombs with cutesy black metal imagery with lyrics about satanic shit because rapey shit is already lame and “praise the devil”-type crap waters it down even more. It’s kinda funny everyone at DMU looks like a dad. Especially Brett Stevens, he looks like a junkie Neil Young fan who plays finger-style 12 string guitar or something. I agree with his politics though.

      1. Marc Defranco says:

        The first 3 and the demo are top notch. Songs like Through on Under the Eye are pure occult madness especially the lyrics, and delivery of them without getting into high brow pretension. I’ve liked everything by them but I think they’ve gotten to releasing too much too soon. I’ve got no issues with DMU even though I may disagree with them sometimes

  9. Dark Side Poop says:

    You can’t restore metal with somebody else’s babies.

  10. HH says:

    I see bar metal is a new criticism. I guess that’s better than calling bands with 0 fans “pop.”

  11. matters says:

    Regarding the Crucifigium cover art, there was an old Nintendo game where the main bad guy looked like that lion figure. I can’t remember what it was called.

    1. Jerry Hauppa says:


  12. his balls, your chin says:

    wtf is beer metal? I’ve drunken ze beer and listening to Brahms before you faggot

  13. Dr. Khan says:

    This article is 1118 words to say 30 bad albums are bad. Fucking worthless.

    This fucking site has turned into absolute shit. It’s more like a 12-year-old’s metal blog than a real metal site.

    1. If you wish to waste time writing three paragraph reviews of each otherwise worthless release, then go ahead and submit it to me.

      If you would prefer not to see each batch of Sadistic Metal Reviews, then you may transfer us compensation via Western Union. The work checking them all out must still be done in order to bringing​ you the best. If you do not wish for them to be posted, then pay us 50 USD per batch: $40 for the work plus $10 toward the hosting fee. If you do not want to put your money where your mouth is, then fuck off and die.

      1. Dr. Khan says:

        LOL. What a dumb fuck response. The issue is not “oh these reviews for shitty albums are not long enough,” it’s “no one gives a shit about 1000 words of copypasta reviews for 30 shitty albums.”

        And then we learn you are apparently some dumb fucking Marxist who faps to the labor theory of value like some loser. Oh, you did some work and you should get compensation? Sorry, in teh real world of non-losers, you only get paid for adding value, not just doing useless work like you do with this Sadistic Retard Reviews.
        Stupid Marxist faggot. LOL.

        1. How am I the Marxist faggot? I offered you a capitalist deal. For 50 USD, you could’ve had SMRs delivered to you with all rights to the words in those reviews and the title of that batch of reviews. Since you would have owned the copyright you could’ve done anything you wanted with them including but not limited to deleting them forever, using them in the script for your own pornographic film, printing them out to ejaculate on, or wearing it as a paper hat! Communists would never sell you their own intellectual property like that.

          Fuck off and die poserscum with poor taste:

          “Dark Tranquillity is awesome and if you disagree you are probably a loser.”

          “This album will probably be good. Dream Theater makes good prog metal — nothing more, nothing less. A lot of their best material uses storytelling to structure the music, so I think an over-the-top sci-fi concept would serve them well.”

          “I like Leviathan a lot. This album struck me as being the least black metal of all his albums (not a good or bad thing, just a btw thing).”

          1. Dr. Khan says:

            Real capitalists don’t believe in intellectual property, you Marxist faggot. Only a stupid Marxist faggot thinks he “owns the product of his labor” and intellectual property rights extend from that stupid faggot idea. You really are a Marxist faggot and your rebuttal only provided more evidence of this. You are a fucking idiot and you should pay me to put up with this shit. Go find some good music good from days bygone and tell us about that instead. Or maybe revisit some DLA stuff. Or SOMETHING. Or maybe that’s too hard for shitty writers like you. Faggot.

            1. C.I.L.L. says:

              Marxists love war metal, bluesy doom and metalcore

              Everyone else better get their shit together and unite so we can physically remove these Communists

          2. C.I.L.L. says:

            You found the bottom

            Now imagine him in a “Frozen” costume

            Next to a 55gal barrel of lubricant

    2. C.I.L.L. says:

      Submit an article and fix it if you can

  14. Astronaut Bread says:

    One dick can go in two holes, you just have to cut it off like Ride For Revenge did to themselves.

    That’s the secret message behind their music.

  15. Nathan says:

    Nothing’s wrong with this way of writing. I’m sure these bands never cared about this either. It’s still a publicity to them. Like this update gaves me 8 albums that I rather find great and intense. Maybe I am just having poor taste but the only bad review you can make about a release is not reviewing them lol.

Comments are closed.

Classic reviews: