Sadistic Metal Reviews 3-26-2016

james woods videodrome big


Here I go again on my own, down the only road I’ve known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. And I’ve made up my mind; I ain’t wasting no more time. – Whitesnake feels appropriate to quote now after listening to this trash.


tombstalker cover
Tombstalker – Black Crusades (2015)
Using an HM-2 pedal and inserting bluesy leads into your crappy kang punk doesn’t make you Dismember; you’re still shitty d-beat punk. I’d rather truly d-beat the skin off my dick with a potato peeler than listen to you graveyard dwelling junkies. Did you know Three Dog Night had his penis pop from too much sex? How would  they repair that? Would they need to make a new fake one or just do a penis transplant? Would Three Dog Night need one of those robotic implants that bend up like Larry Flynt?


gluttony & sordid flesh - split 200dpi
Gluttony / Sordid Flesh split (2016)
Entombed metalcore that borrows from every period of Entombed including the hated Wolverine Blues. Unleashed’s fat, vested ginger corpse is raped too. If you can think of a dumb, bouncy punk riff from 1987, it’s on this split. These guys really need to overdose on fentanyl cut with powdered laundry detergent like crusties usually do. The needle needs to be jabbed directly into their eye; all the other Swedeath veins are necrotic.


Phazm – Scornful of Icons (2016)
Blackened Surgical Steel with metalcore breakdowns and without Bill Steer’s guitar virtuosity. Surgical Steel sounds like the Symphonies of Sickness compared to this deathcore ‘n’ roll. There’s no Holy Wars on this. When’s my punishment due? Do I have to listen to Reinkhaos again?


The Curse That Is
Graves at Sea – The Curse That Is (2016)
Flannel and gauges sludgy stoner rock for untermenschen who quit heroin in 1998 and now sell classic rock LPs mastered from CDs to fat hipster scum. The CD booklet states that all the band members have hepatitis C and thank the other regulars of their methadone clinic for watching their cats while they shoot up.


burning hatred - carnage 200dpi
Burning Hatred – Carnage (2016)
No. Stop naming albums after the band whose CDs you love so much you fisted them into yourself like James Woods in Videodrome. There is little riff variety here. Why are there deathcore songs in the middle of the Swedish Crustcore? Why is the deathcore the only material that stands out on your album?
james woods videodrome


Ice War – Dream Spirit (2016)
My head just hit the desk. Why did someone press this idiot’s demo? I’m too drunk to lift my head off the desk. I must do so. I need to pull my head off the desk. What’s with these standard chord progressions? I must pull my head up. Too much Asbach Uralt. I need to kill this fucker. Why is he so tone deaf? He deserves to die. Another retro metal cash-in, cuckold autist who wants to tie grandmothers up with rusty chains and guitar cables to rape them like the Boston Strangler.


ides- sun of the serpent tongues 200dpi
Ides – Sun of the Serpents Tongue (2016)
Idiot deathdoom of the smoke weed and bash chromatic power cords together at slow tempos variety. The band is too lacking in musicianship to strum them fast enough as needed to play psychedelic rock disguised as Sabbath-worshiping doom metal.


Abyssic A Winter's Tale cover
Abyssic – A Winter’s Tale (2016)
Symphonic sludge core rejected X-Files themes. Gillian Anderson is still attractive somehow. Abyssic never was; they are Tori Spelling “metal”.


Prisoner of War – Rot (2016)
Morbid Angel covered by Kiwis with distortion pedals. Sometimes songs are  jammed together as they were too blacked out and forgot which one they were playing.


Gallower – The Witch Hunt is On (2015)
Possessed with zero talent, drunk, and Polish.


Ithaqua – The Black Mass Sabbath Pulse (2016)
Varathron emasculated.


abhomine larvae cover
Abhomine – Larval Offal Swine (2016)
Boring war metal from Pete Helmkamp of Revenge. This is Angelcorpse if Angelcorpse had mediocre guitarists instead of only mediocre songwriters. A repetitive, riff salad for Helmkamp to spout off his social Darwinist philosophy. Put on Order from Chaos instead of reminding yourself that Helmkamp lost his marbles just like that retarded guy from Steven Spielberg’s Hook.


hook marbles

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

12 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews 3-26-2016”

  1. ssszzzzmmm says:

    lmao @ the “tori spelling of metal”

    i miss the smr of old that included a decent release amongst all the shit

    i was left looking like that guy in the end

    1. Robert says:

      Me too. I miss Brett and his writing style.

    2. ms says:

      The Spelling line made up for the autist cuckhold 4chan stuff.

      1. Spelling is too hideous to post an actual photo of. She’s so ugly she makes Craig Pillard look like Carey Grant.

  2. David Rosales says:

    Good mention and dismissal of these bands.

  3. can you survive the blitzkrieg? says:

    Not publicly liking some of these will have you excluded from social activities to document thoroughly on Facebook, you are committing social suicide! The scene thrives from mindless ass kissing in return for the hopes of favors, the self appointed alpha apes of the dingy dive shithole will share their mango, and possibly one will present genitalia, to which then you can stand behind snarling at unbelievers like a vicious chihuahua.

  4. cuthbert says:

    Fuck yeah. This is the sort of stuff that keeps me coming back to this site.

  5. Cock Mangling Turd Burglar says:

    Is it better for these bands to have tried and failed or would it be better if they never existed at all? This is probably going against the prevailing attitude of this community, but I think it is good to have individuals and their bands at least making an attempt. Much of it may be crap, but on the off chance a band succeeds, there is a net gain as opposed to nobody creating metal at all.

    1. vOddy says:

      I think that people should pursue mastery of that which they have natural talent for.
      Given how many albums featured in sadistic reviews have skilled execution but bad composing, many of these musicians should play rather than compose.

      Unfortunately, in metal, there is no place for a performer. You have to be both a performer and a composer.
      I think that this should change. Metal should be more similar to classical orchestral music. People should be able to only compose, only play, or do both depending on what they are good at.

      I would love to hear Burzum played well live. Or any good metal, for that matter, over mediocre but original compositions.

      1. Can you survive the blitzkrieg says:

        Metal is always going to be on bubble 50s rock, hippy fest, and punk/hardcore leash no matter how much it doesn’t wish to be. A lot of the readers on this site need to realize even a quarter of what you think about doesn’t pass through the mind of the average metal/general scenester and your dreams of metal aiming higher will probably never happen. I hate it but it is true that underground metal was better when it was genuinely fringe and underground in the 80s and bits of the early 90s, that purity will never happen again. You can keep an eye and ear out for good bands but more than likely they will go unnoticed, unsigned and probably break up (see Embalmed Souls, Darkness Eternal), or get signed and suddenly stop making good music almost immediately (see Cruciamentum). Good ideas and dreams mostly go unfulfilled despite Herculean efforts, how much of your time is really worth?

        1. vOddy says:

          The only solution is to make music one self, and to recruit skilled performers who are enthusiastic about one’s compositions.

          Creating the sort of environment that Euronymous did create would be great, but I just don’t see how that’s practical. Who would even be drawn to that? No one who I see around me would be.

  6. whiskeyhammer95 says:

    Remember when DMU liked the recent-ish offerings of war metal? Trendiest of the trendies run shit here, it seems.

Comments are closed.

Classic reviews: