Sadistic Metal Reviews: Catch of the Day

Nécropole – Nécropole (2016)
Nécropole play flowing black metal most similar to French Canadian bands such as Sorcier des Glaces, Monarch, Sanctuaire, and Forteresse. This self-titled CD is a demo collection from Northern Heritage Productions containing both of Necropole’s demos on on disc. Unfortunately while many of their individual riffs are strong, Necopole’s songs are way too fucking long and need to be edited down. Many have a narrative arc with fitting melodic conclusions but most drag on. Nevertheless, Necropole shows promise. Hopefully they will edit their effective material into comprehensible compositions for an upcoming studio album. I can’t imagine anyone listening to this compilation more than a couple times except as background music.

Xolotl – Xolotl (2009)
Grating Mexican Emperor worship. Unlike The Black Twilight Circle, Xolotl actually play black metal. The problem is their songs are inconsistent and not particularly well-arranged or composed. The clipped maraca samples breakdowns used to separate riffs are horrifically annoying. I can’t tell if the samples are maracas or merely heavily modified samples of another instrument similar to how rappers use heavily compressed and clipped snare samples to simulate claps in their productions. Anyway, you’ve heard most of these riffs utilized better by the actual Emperor and the other legendary Norwegian bands from the early nineties. Xolotl is just an annoying copy attempting to cash in Satanic Hispanics yearning for an imagined Meso-Amerirican past, shilling them an album they will set aside after few listens, returning to Emperor’s demos and In the Nightside Eclipse.

First Fragment – Dasein (2016)
Shred wank “neoclassical” technical deaf metal with usually incongruent solos that sound like they’re coming out of a 1980s arcade game. This album sounds like someone sped up recordings of Pac-Man, Dig Dug, and Galaga more than Suffocation, early Cryptopsy, or Cacophony. The Flamenco guitar leads might as well be the musicians performing in drag.

Goatmoon – Stella Polaris (2017)
Droning black metal riffs droning on for three minutes interspersed with butt rock riffs in vocal driven rock songs. Goatmoon sound like a more emo Children of Bodom. The Slash style solos are the creamy semen icing on cake filled with HIV-infected needles.

Zombieslut – Massive Lethal Flesh Recovery (2016)
Caveman death metal like Benediction. Not good. Who grows up idolizing Benediction? That’s like growing up and wanting to be a super market cashier. “I would to ring up all 18 of your items ma’am! Yes I will weigh your bananas! That’s a particularly large cucumber you have there sir. Rather thick! I like them thick; they stay firmer!”

Crimson Moon – Oneironaut (2016)
Random carnival black metal riff salad tossing similar to Satyricon. Seeker of the 7th Gate? More like Crimson Moon had to repeat the seventh grade.

Spectral Apparition – Manifestation (2016)
Atmospheric blackened death metal that’s not particularly good. Riffs lack distinction and sound like Dead Congregation’s beer farts the day after gigs. Songs drone on for far too long. More atmosphere than metal.

Second To Sun – Blackbound (2016)
Eastern block war metal + metalcore. Second to Sun do not understand the all-importance of the riff; they rely on catchy rhythms like a nu metal band rather than tremolo picked minor key riffs like actual black metal. Blackbound sounds more like the title of an interracial bondage porn series.

Grok – A Spineless Descent (2016)
Grok worship riffless, late 90s keyboard-based “black metal” that tries to copy John Carpenter scores for the keyboard parts yet fails horrifically. Yep this is Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir level pap meant for Spencer’s Gifts. The songs sound like they are the background music to a gay European orgy in 1983 featuring mullets, mustaches, and an e. coli infected hot tub filled with steaming wads of mold and semen.

Iskandr – Heilig Land (2016)
Depressive suicidal black metal meant for 22 year old girls with lesbian hair cuts who cut themselves in high school. Iskandr’s fans all embrace the leftist delusion of queer theory despite exclusively having heterosexual relations with bisexual baristas with neck tattoos and Asians under 5’4 with pink buzzcuts and no tits.

Jute Gyte – Perdurance (2016)
Schizophrenic musical ideas and noises thrown at a fucking wall and pretending to be metal music. This is not metal music. This is attempted atonal technical noise rock that fails miserably at being rock. Jute Gyte is meant to appeal only to art fats who finger their assholes to modern art and taste it afterwards as they’re developmentally disabled and nobody ever told them that their fingerpainting sucked as they didn’t want Jute Gyte to throw a fit and fling the paint all over the room. Bring the straight jackets.

Azaxul – The Fleshly Tomb (2016)
Generic Swedish black metal worship of Dawn and Sacramentum in overlong songs. Azaxul’s riffs are often indistinct and unmemorable. The Fleshly Tomb has no reason being almost an hour long.

Lihhamon – Doctrine (2016)
War metal with riffs that sound like Conqueror meets Diocletian from the blacked-out mind of a guitarist puking onstage onto the audience, drenching them in warm half-digested Jack Daniels.

Inter Arma – Paradise Gallows (2016)
Sludgy post hardcore more a slowed down Godsmack meets industrial dance music than black metal

Thron – Thron (2017)
Comical riff salad Swedish style black metal.

Shaarimoth – Temple of the Adversarial Fire (2017)
Death ‘n’ roll crap. Occult metal this is not. Shaarimoth play vocally driven rock music./

Rajalla – Diktaattori (2016)
Generic Finnish speed metal. More Testament than Slayer.

Steelballs – Steelballs (2016)
Is this a parody of Running Wild? No, it’s sincere vocal driven power pseudo-heavy metal glam rock for those without balls who hate riffs.

Srogosc – Umbra Mortis / Nicość (2016)
Carnival black ‘n roll.

Suffer Yourself – Ectoplasm (2016)
Insufferable stoner doom rock.

Burials / Exhausted Prayer – Split (2017)
Half deathcore, half tracks Exhausted Prayer judged not worthy to release by themselves. Not a worthwhile purchase.

Evocación – Evocación (2016)
Boring doom metal.

In My Embrace – Black Waters Deep (2016)
Metalcore idiocy.

Era Decay – Inritum (2016)
Renaissance fairy metalcore.

Youdash – Astrophobia (2016)
Random math post-hardcore rock music pretending to be technical “death metal”. This is the definition of tekdeaf.

Maquahuitl – Blood of Kings and Ancestral Might (2016)
Mexican National Socialist Black Metal for the restoration of the Aztec Empire. Enslaved and Gothenburg metal riffs, Aztec sun wheels, and swastika tattoos! Some of these riffs are way too happy sounding for capturing your enemies, cutting their hearts out with a spoon, and eating their flesh. Those sound like Boy Scout black metal. Did the Aztecs have a Hitler Youth for the sons of nobility? Does Maquahuitl drive his kids to Boy Scouts in a Pontiak Aztek? Paint sun wheels on the Pinewood Derby cars? Heil Montezuma in his basement while watching futbol and telenovelas? The clipped cymbals here are super fatiguing. Maquahuitl shouldn’t have recorded Blood of Kings and Ancestral Might in his man cave while chugging Tecate by the thirty rack. Get rid of the cartoon theme song riffs and mic that kit up better for next time Maquahuitl!

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14 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Catch of the Day”

  1. Marc Defranco says:

    Necropole, Goatmoon and Grok are grand.

  2. dick tip torn due to crusted semen says:

    I’m so disappointed with the direction Goatmoon went in. Why do all Finnish bands end up getting so gay

    1. blame the liberals says:

      Same here. It’s confounding. I like Strength and Honour but Gaytanic Warmasturbater became much worse as well. Must be something in the water.

    2. this trip is turning into a bit letdown says:

      Beherit never got gay, although war metal fags will argue that everything after Drawing or even Oath is gay to gain more kvlt points so they can eventually trade them in for that bullet belt with the Blasphemy logo on it (limited to 0 copies).

  3. Rob says:

    I love Goatmoon but the review was hilarious nonetheless.

  4. Reactionary Reasons says:

    The title track of Goatmoon’s “Stella Polaris” definitively leaves much to be desired, the second half with the ill-matched rock part especially.

    However, in contrast to the lackadaisical effort of this particular reviewer one shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the upcoming album entirely based on one song alone. If we consider the following track, there might still be hope for another gem from Blackgoat’s sisu-filled soundscape:

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      This isn’t genuinely tripe, however, it’s certainly not metal and the strongest parts are those dominated by the vocals. It also feels like a random “this sounds good, too” collection of samples.

  5. Rainer Weikusat says:

    Sadistic Intent has seven dates left, three in France, two in Germany, one in Norway and one in Finland. If you can go there, do it. The London gig was a bit over-punked (too many very important girl-friends), they had some strange kind of “reverse stage diving” there — lift someone (typically female) up and throw them onto the stage — and no mosh pit worth mentioning, just a few tall guys (one Kevin Rucker lookalike) who occasionally switched to “I’m going to knock you all on the head” mode without much success. They also made the usual hell of a mess of the place by generously spilling their drinks on the floor (“Do you dare to move? I’ll teach you!”) but even in these hostile surroudings, the music just shone, especially the last thing (song? track?) the band played. This would really deserve someone who’s better at putting compositions into words than me. I’ve never heard something like this before and it was great.

    Dehuman is ok. Mostly death metal with a Dissection-style medley in between(???) and some out-of-place hip hop antics (“Make some noise!”).

    The other highlight was Cruciamentum. I can’t really describe that, either. But it was a joy to experience.

    If you ever see a sign labelled Qrixkuor, turn the other way.

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      Necessary addition: While Cruciamentum live was very nice, especially after the total aural abuse which opened the evening, the album seems lackluster.

  6. matters says:

    I was really looking forward to hearing the Crimson Moon album. I would like to check out that Maquahuitl album though.

    1. Crimson Glory is just unthreatening and disposable modern dissonant “black metal” with candy mixed in. Maquahuitl have potential.

    2. Necronomeconomist says:

      Man, I’m glad to find that out. What else do you like?
      What did you eat for breakfast?
      What’s your favourite colour?

  7. Special Petraeunimous says:

    SMRs: “here are 20 bands you’ll never hear about unless you read this article, and they all suck.”

    I’m listening to the Iskandr – Heilig Land. Kind of feeling it, Gothy + doomy — it reminds me of Siouxsie ‘n the Bansheez, with weak blast beats.

  8. Bruce Dick In Son says:

    I like the Crimson Moon release a lot actually.

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