The Sadistic Metal Reviews are were we squeeze all the empty calories out of our guts into easily digestible packages for readers’ amusement. The leftovers are distributed to starving third world children to hasten their Malthusian death through infection with the type of drug-resistant bacteria that can only thrive in a Honey Bun.
Above Aurora – Onwards Desolation (2016)
Fuck we’re gonna listen to some metal and headbang some shit out bro! Fuck yeah bro we’re gonna bang this shit out like I pounded Stacy last Saturday! Oh yeah. What the fuck is this bro? Is this fucking Pantera bro? WTF bro! What the fuck is this? Is this some Pantera shit bro? Are you really trying to bring some Pantera shit into our house bro? Why the fuck would you do that bro? Are you tryin’ to escalate the situation here? We don’t allow those types in our crib bro as they’re fucking degenerate dirty people. This crib is a drug free zone unlike the fucking public high school with the meal vouchers done the street bro. You want your fucking stoner rock, you go down the street bro. Fuck you asshole, I heard only about thirty seconds of fucking metal in that bro so you take that drug away from my place bro as I can’t get raided here and you smoke it with the kids in the parking lot over there bro. You take your fucking strummed power chords and get the fuck out before I call the cops bro.
Behind the Shadows – Raising Hell (2016)
Alice in Chains mixed with occasional Black Sabbath and Blind Guardian riffs. This is what the Insane Clown Posse would sound like if they tried to play black metal.
Betrayal – Infinite Circles (2016)
Arsis worship is a new youth trend now? Our children truly are being emasculated by the liberal media. Infinite Circles is technical metalcore carnival music. Betrayal try to sound tough while wearing jeweled buttplugs. They can’t walk over and punch you in the face; they can only sashay! Oh Lord is that jazz? Why did my fucking secretary have to put on the smooth jazz station again? Wait that’s just the coda; these white boys suddenly think they are Sade.
Slammin’ Thru – Things to Come (2016)
Wannabe power metal datz more metalcore than Manilla Road. Don’t worry bro, you didn’t put on your camo cargo shorts for nuffin; Things to Cum has tonz of breakdownz to hit your pimply-faced buddeez to, loadz of buttrock soloz to play air guitar in the middle of da circle pit to, and emotionality in shittily sung choruses to flick your e-cigs to as hell no ur not carrying a lighter in the pocket with your Xbox controller and My Little Poniez.
Harakiri for the Sky – III: Trauma (2016)
III: Trauma is the third album of screamo metalcore from Harakiri for the Sky pretending to be black metal. All of their riffs could’ve been played on an MTV2 showcase in 2009. This is metalcore for when metalcore idiots are pushing 30, getting fat, streched earlobes getting close to their chin. Metalcore made for hardcore kids who turned into hipsters in polyandrous relationships whose partners cuckhold them in their own bed while they zombie through their Steam games in the other room. Harakiri for the Sky clearly sleep atop sheets stained with the semen of other men. This band has no honor and shouldn’t be allowed to cut their stomach open to save face; they must be crucified and humiliated.
Grey Heaven Fall – Black Wisdom (2015)
Grey Heaven Fall is yet another “Me too!” rehashed black/death metal band that wants to be some sort of Dead Congregation type of atmospheric death metal but with Gorguts and Kvist riffs and without any adrenaline. All of their riffs except the ones they stole from better bands (ie big main rhythm riffs from title tracks of commercially successful albums like Graves of the Archangels) are so boring you will find yourself pulling the dingle berries from your ass hair instead of paying attention. These boring riffs are combined with the stolen riffs into ten minute long, verse chorus verse riff salads with lame solos so butt rock you wonder how a porno with this much anal sex in it and so many different penises and mixed body fluids in just one hole of one woman doesn’t count as at least somewhat homosexual. Listening to Black Wisdom is the same as taking a pair of chopsticks into the public restroom of movie theater to eat undigested peanuts, popcorn kernels, and gummy bears picked out from the floating turds in clogged toilets.
Tags: Above Aurora, Behind the Shadows, Betrayal, Black Wisdom, blackened death metal, Grey Heaven Fall, Harakiri for the Sky, hipster bullshit, melodeaf, metalcore, modern metal, power metal, sadistic metal reviews, screamo, Slammin' Thru, stoner rock
I think the Above Aurora review is at the same time the best and worst review of anything I’ve ever read.
There’s also a description of this by the band (bandcamp): Onwards Desolation is our commentary on the hopeless condition of mankind and the world as a whole. We wanted to combine the emptiness & void contained in the lyrics, with unpleasant […] sound, which in turn creates an atmosphere exactly what we wanted. This record does not open new doors.
Gotta give them credit for accomplishing exactly what they set out to do.
Betrayal has an »educational« video on youtube, too. I’m still trying to figure out what metalcore actually means but this is surely an awful (and probably unintentional) self-parody.
SLAMMIN’ THRU is not a real band. No way. No how. Not now. Not ever. Impossible that a group of 3 to 5 human beings sat down together with instruments and decided to have the moniker SLAMMIN’ THRU. No. No. NO! I refuse to believe it. It is fiction and my disbelief is suspended.
And what is with the Manilla Road hate, bros? You could be feelin’ free again in Necropolis you silly bastards.
Slammin’ Thru tried to be Manilla Road but wrote metalcore instead of heavy metal as they’re not very smart
The band name gives you a clue to their intelligence.
lol I actually went to Above Aurora’s bandcamp and re-read the review while listening to one of their tracks. Made it 10x funnier.
Also, “Slammin’ Thru”? Are you fucking kidding me?
Via:
http://powerofmetal.dk/2016/04/slammin-thrus-things-to-come-out-now/
“The new Slammin’ Thru album is now available in stores, a work with exquisite quality and technique, Progressive Metal with influences of Rock and Metal from the 80s and 90s. “Things to come” is one of those CDs that you won’t be able to remove from the cd player in months, with compositions close to perfection in every way, full of chasing melodies that you won’t forget.”
CLOSE TO PERFECTION IN EVERY WAY