Sadistic Metal Reviews: Worn Out Wednesday

measured shit

Article by Corey M. Whoa that piece of shit is on the toilet lid. Someone has to wipe that down after the photo session. Reaching into toilets to fish out footlong pieces of shit that look like salamanders is what Death Metal Underground staffers do everyday. Our asses are worn out like whoever crapped that one out.

incarnal hexenhammer
Incarnal – Hexenhammer (2015)
Late-model Immolation is probably one of the main influences for these guys, who have a cool name, cool logo, and cool cover art – a pretty convincing package on the surface. But the music comes off as closer to the work of Ulcerate, who make rhythmic death metal with deceptively simple components disguised by inverted chords with odd voicings, ringing and harmonizing awkwardly over disorienting shifting beats. It’s easy to tell that this music is 75% ornamentation by simply nodding your head along to the beat. You’ll notice that you cannot possibly lose track of the downbeat because, even when the drums switch from a groove to a blast, the chunky guitar chords still emphasize those downbeats, as if all instruments are enslaved to the rhythm. If the guitars are doing anything polyrhythmic, the vocals then make sure that you never lose that downbeat, keeping the groove constant and completely killing any sense of dynamics, despite the evidently extreme shifts on the surface of the music. Verdict: These guys no doubt really believe that they are writing death metal but have only grasped the most obvious characteristics of the genre; ugly distortion, drum techniques, growls. Just a minute of listening will reveal how hollow, lacking in spirit, the music is though. This is metal made by guys who think metal is cool and want to be metal like the cool metal people they know. Horns up, bro. Also, the track “Children of Pestilence” features a segment that is repeated twice, made up of chugging power chords beneath a simple four-note guitar harmony and it sounds awesome, so it had to be an accident that these guys came up with it. It’s that same law that applies to the chimps banging on typewriters, eventually writing the entire works of Shakespeare.

Heretique – De Non Existentia Dei (2016)
On paper, this is death metal. It’s as if someone mixed together all the ingredients for a cake, but just let the mix sit untouched for days rather than baking it. The riffs are not really random but are indeed pointless and clearly constructed to cycle ad nauseum; a perfect example of the retarded state of modern death metal. The guitarist(s) know that their progressions need to at least make a modicum of sense when placed end-to-end so they pick the easiest method of achieving coherency and select a “spooky” interval (almost always a 4th or 7th) and throw in some random chromatic chords in between for that “brutal” effect, then shift back and forth until it’s time for a comically lazy amelodic solo (with the exception of the lead near the middle of “Sweet Stench of Rotting Flesh”, which is actually well-executed). If you thought Aeon were a laughably shitty Deicide rip-off, you are in for a harsh lesson in misplaced optimism. All that aside, these guys might be pleased to know that their impotent raging against Christianity is validated; this kind of music would not exist in a world under the sovereignty of a just and caring god.

Tags: , , , ,

11 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Worn Out Wednesday”

  1. LOST GEMS FROM THE 90S says:

    Ok , I´m not trolling but tell me this black metal álbum from 1992 is not a lost gem.

    Bestial Summoning – The Dark War Has Begun — 1992

    1. Weltmacht says:

      Sounds pretty good. The vocals are really intense. I can see why it got lost in the shuffle considering the year it was released, however, given the sheer volume of similar (and more notable) material coming out around the same time.

  2. The author described the music so hilariously that I actually want to listen to these now

    1. Rob says:

      There have been times where I have actually gone and picked up an album based on a funny negative review on this site. The old site that this one evolved from, Dark Legions Archive, used to only write reviews of things that they liked and were often asked why and these Sadistic reviews seem to be their response.

  3. TBS says:

    Do you like anything? Is this website completely dedicated to bands you can’t stand? From what I can gather you seem to like Profanatica and that’s it. What’s the point.

    1. C.M. says:

      I like all good albums. Most albums are not good, however, so it should be no surprise that you’d see condemnation more often than praise.

      Check out the Dead Congregation and Innumerable Forms reviews. I like both of those releases.

    2. bung butter says:

      The point of this site is to poop on everything that isn’t Profanatica and then poop on Profanatica themselves as a thank you since they would probably enjoy it.

      1. Marc Defranco says:

        From what I’ve gathered you’re fairly right.

      2. fenrir says:

        You’ve obviously have not read more than one or two days worth of content.
        There are plenty of positive reactions here, but DMU just doesn’t go out of its way to praise people.

        1. bung butter says:

          You’ve obviously never read a joke in the comments section of an article with a picture of poop as the main photo.

          1. Ludvig Boysen says:

            Out maneuvered.

Comments are closed.

Classic reviews: