Write-in Campaign: Swedish Death Metal Belongs In IKEA

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The leading representative of Swedish industry around the world, Ikea, sells furniture of styles from a dozen nations. It has a housewares section, a full-service cafeteria, a donut shop and a grocery store. You can pick up electric lights, tools, houseplants and home decor there.

But conspicuously absent are the most important items from Sweden in recent memory: Swedish death metal and black metal.

To counter this, a group of surly curmudgeon metalheads have begun a write-in campaign to Ikea to demand the inclusion of Swedish metal. You can participate by writing to Ikea with a letter like the following:

From: Incorrigible Metalhead <sodomize-the-weak@gmail.com>
To: IKEA High Command <UScustomercare259@ikea.com>
Subject: Please Include Swedish Metal In Ikea Stores!

To Whom It May Concern,

As a long-time Ikea shopper who appreciates the wide range of Swedish products and cultural icons on sale in Ikea, I noticed the glaring omission of one of the greatest outpourings of Swedish greatness of all time, namely Swedish death metal and black metal bands.

These works, which can be sold on CD and vinyl, represent the cultural influence of Sweden for the betterment of all humanity by overcoming humanity and embracing our role as those who strive for excellence against the entropy and despair of modern existence.

Please consider stocking works by the following Swedish artists: Bathory, Carnage, Dismember, Unleashed, Therion, Entombed, At The Gates, Merciless, Hypocrisy, The Abyss, Candlemass, Eucharist, Carbonized, Dissection, Sacramentum, Seance and Unanimated.

You can find a full list of classic Swedish metal bands here: http://www.deathmetal.org/metal/map/#sweden

Thank you for your attention to this important matter.

Signed,
One of the world’s 400 million metalheads

With large corporate entities, letters such as these are counted and when they reach a crucial threshold, the committees and study groups consider action. Let our voices be heard! For the greater glory of metal, and Sweden, this could be the start of an epic change which ends our aimless wandering in one of the inevitable stops on the train ride of life, and breathes new life into the world’s understanding of Swedish culture!

Maybe they will even include the Dismember leggings.

16 thoughts on “Write-in Campaign: Swedish Death Metal Belongs In IKEA”

  1. Fuck it, why not.
    I’ll write in, under the SIIIIIIIIIIIGN
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF

  2. Snaggletooth says:

    Excellent. Did the mail from the part. Hail the mighty Swedish export.

    1. Thank you, brother in metal!

  3. C.M. says:

    Isn’t Ikea’s thing sort of about being specifically non-cultural, so clueless and self-hating Koreans, Indians, and any other disaffected and rootless non-whites living in post-modern Western society can despairingly fuse into blissful aching vapidity?

    That’s what I get from their advertisements, anyway.

    1. Matt Risnes says:

      Aching Vapidity would be a great band name.

      As for IKEA, their furniture is affordable garbage that will become a danger to all in its vicinity within 6 months of construction. Their meatballs are good though. And by good I mean cheap slip that goes down easy, but results in diarrhea on the way home from the outlet mall.

      1. Suppresant Nubian Primary School Leader a.k.a. Ms. Big Cat le Homme says:

        and ‘Vaping Acidity’

  4. Matt Risnes says:

    Slop not slip. The tyranny of autocorrect enrages me incessantly.

  5. Ggallin1776 says:

    The cd’s will be more durable than the furniture they sell.

  6. Incorrigible Pageantry says:

    This wont happen until they start making furniture out of human remains (possibly from those of native Swedes).

  7. AK-47 says:

    It’s a death metal smörgåsbord.

  8. Pig Champion the great says:

    I KILL ‘EM ALL- I.K.E.A.

  9. Roger is a fag says:

    Grotesque

    1. Morbideathscream says:

      Ah yes, In the Embrace of Evil has been getting regular spins on my CD player as of late.

      Yes, Roger is a fag.

  10. Johan P says:

    I’m pretty sure that most Swede-metalheads have their cds and lps stored in IKEA-furniture.

  11. harsh critiquer of vest patcheses says:

    They should also stock slaves of Latino persuasion, as you will not believe how much shit they can fix in your house and yard for a mere $50. And it will be done right too.

Comments are closed.