Sadistic Metal Reviews: Flush ‘Em All

Blood must be shed to atone for the sins of these mostly horrific recordings. Every single person who thought releasing these was a great idea should attempt to give themselves a self-swirlie while under the influence. Banging their head on the porcelain toilet tank lid will knock some sense into them or crack their skulls open. Hopefully the latter.


Nyktophobia – Fallen Empire (2017)
Every Scandinavian metal band you once loved will be raped by idiots or Arabs as the hordes of beer metallers and the inbred untermenschen pour into nations cuckholded by socialism. Only blowing up the funderground, the mosh core fun trends false “underground” promulgating by hack labels like Nuclear Blast and Iron Conehead will let us burn our way back to paradise! These appeal to those scenesters who are essentially indie rock bar show attendees looking for something heavier to listen to. The indie rock crowd never moved passed Iron Maiden as kids so hearing Filosofem as adults is cool and edgy for them like wearing a ripped Black Flag t-shirt they bought at Urban Outfitters. Nyktophobia are the Swedish death metal version of that playing Uncanny as covered by Slaughter of the Soul era At the Gates looking for a fucking pay day. Jump in the fire Nyktophobia!


Ctulu – Ctulu (2011)
Ctulu borrow liberally from more melodic black metal bands such as Sacramentum and Rotting Christ. Ctulu resemble later Sacramentum crossed with Megadeth with none of the memorability. Ctulu are a perfect opening act to have play in the background while you wait in line to order beer. You’ll be surprised to play “Guess where that riff comes from?” while missing nothing profound or clever. Ctulu are still retro-rehash beer metal made for drunks to mosh to.


Cvinger – Embodied in Incense (2016)
Sing along “black metal” that makes Motorhead sound like Mayhem. Where’s the violence? Where’s the occultic spiritual power of Satan or the unyielding forces of nature breaking the back of mankind? There is none of that on Embodied in Incense. Only singalong black ‘n’ roll with generic heavy metal riffs and blackened flourishes that go nowhere. One positive note is that Cvinger do indeed occassionally show influences from death metal band such as Morbid Angel and Unleashed. These bright spots go nowhere special but the band is still above riffless hipster drone rock and beer fueled crossover thrash pretending to be black metal. Cvinger should listen to Pure Holocaust for better, death metal influenced black metal.


Starlit Woods – Zamarznięte cienie nocy (2016)
Starlit Woods play bog standard atmospheric “black metal” in way too long generic riff-salad songs that are thankfully not too random but go nowhere special. Unfortunately these songs all take half the runtime of each track to really start. The vocals are wailing emotional hardcore screeches. Zamarznięte Cienie Nocy is the sort of limp-wristed singalong Bathory loving black ‘n’ roll fillwed with Hellhammerisms popular among the Nuclear War Now! forum funderground fools and cassette collectors. Hellhammer made into boring stomp rock anthems for lighter flicking is not black metal; it is black ‘n’ roll. Hopefully Starlit Woods improves before their next demo cassette release or for gosh sakes, an undeserved studio album. Perhaps they should check out Infamous or Bathory – Blood Fire Death to learn how to black metal with atmosphere.


Maldoror – In Saturn Mystique (2000)
Maldoror play a mix of styles but always come back to gay nu-Emperor influenced keyboard black metal. The first track is Summoning if Summoning decided to sell out to try to become Cradle of Filth. The second is Sacramentum gone Cradle of Filth, and you get the picture. The keyboards in this are god awful. Instead of SammathStrijd‘s keyboards being the RPG ending music after slaughtering all your enemies like the Arthur Rackham print on the cover that inspired the final boss fight between Arthur and Mordred in Excalibur atop the mound of knights’ corpses, Malador directly rip off Emperor riffs and make them bouncy for those in JNCO-clad corpse paint wearers to boogie too. Why the fuck does this HIV have a metalcore breakdown? Super AIDS! Black metal deserved to die if this metalcore and hipster whine rock is what pretends to be the genre today. Die in a fire Maldoror. In Saturn Mystique is no lost classic; In Saturn Mystique is yet more rightfully forgotten crap.


Wormhole – Genesis (2016)
Deja entendu technical brutal “death metal”. This is the type of D-list record that could’ve been on Unique Leader in 2003 featuring random riff salads of grind riffs, post-hardcore, and shred wank for retards to mosh to. The type of music Wormhole play is not death metal, it is deathcore.


Hyperion – Seraphical Euphony (2016)
Hyperion worship Swedish black metal in carnival music with random modulations. Riffs are directly ripped from Sacramentum, Necrophobic, and Dissection to produce something resembling Dimmu Borgir meets Satyricon. Seraphical Euphony has no reason to exist other than for beer and semen.


Ethmebb – La quête du Saint Grind (2017)
Power metal pop rock AIDS! So many Megadeth riffs ripped off it is like the homosexual goateed evil twin of Dave Mustaine extradimensionally ejaculated in all five and a half of Ethmebb’s buttholes at once.

Viles Vitae – IV (2017)
Rehash of a rehash of a rehash of a rehash. Listening to Viles Vitae is like robbing a bum at gunpoint of his stained tighty whities and wearing to work the next despite the skid marks, malaria, and blood stains.

Quintessenz – To the Gallows (2017)
Singalong 1970s Motorhead style metal pretending to be black metal but with less aggression and melodic progression than Motorhead themselves. Kill yourself.

Raise The Black – Portrait (2017)
Sisters of Mercy worshiping stoner goth rock pretending to be death metal. Why don’t you just kill yourselves?

Carpatus – Malus Ascendant (2017)
Boring Under a Funeral Moon era Darkthrone ripoff. Jump off a cliff funderground mosh core trends fun idiots.

KforKill – The World is Broken (2016)
Pantera and EntombedWolverine Blues influenced deathcore.

Krampus – Mistakes (2016)
Techno metalcore. Kill yourselves.

Orwellian – Visions of the Future (2015)
More Slaughter of the Soul knob slobbing metalcore. Knock if off guys.

Servus – Bathsheba (2017)
Female-fronted stoner Coven worship. Go impale yourself on a spiked dildo like that one fat guy in Se7en.

Acod – Inner Light (2016)
Amon Amarth rehashing metalcore rehash. Kill yourselves by injecting fentanyl with used needles found in a trashcan. Overdose on AIDS!

Sail – Slumbersong (2016)
Stoner doom meets soft rock idiocy. Kill selves.

Mustan Kuun Lapset – Saatto (2017)
Singalong “speed metal” butt rock with Slash solos like Testament if Testament made music that closeted evangelical Christians use for masturbating to particularly muscled and cum-gutted Jesus pictures to in their bedrooms. Stroking it before the cross.

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35 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Flush ‘Em All”

  1. GGALLIN1776 says:

    How many Cthulhu’s are out there with the wrong spelling?

    I hope they all get raped with fistful of AIDS razors.

    Krampus? May as well just call yourself hipster santa. Go get raped with a bestial AIDS xmas tree.

    Nyktophobia? Just call yourselves “We wanted to steal some Maiden stuff for a band name but wanted a sprinkling of pseudo intelligence thrown in via many letters”. Go get raped with magic johnson’s AIDS face.

    Viles Vitae? Sounds like some faggoty WWF wrestler name, you faggots. Go get raped with the fist of Andre the Giant wrapped in the glove of Freddy the Faggot Krueger after he fists every butt baby in the terminal faggot AIDS ward, faggots.

    Ethmebb? French is for faggots & cowards. Go get raped with every copy of every cd/dvd/vhs/bluray/laser disc/beta max with marquis de sade in the title after they (and you) are dunked in a massive vat of almost boiling AIDS ejaculate & butt barf. After that raping, prepare to be raped by the big toe of every other band on the smr list…their toes slit open with AIDS concertina wire to ensure the double AIDSing of your assholes.

  2. GGALLIN1776 says:

    Oh btw…
    AIDS.

  3. Donald T says:

    Hey dANIEL Maarat and anyone at Death Metal Underground:

    What is your opinion on this 80s German heavy metal band? Some say they pioneered the power metal style before anyone else.

    STORMWIND

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPFa2joJUxY

    .

    1. ugh says:

      I have a soft spot for this kind of stuff (sort of between heavy metal and hard rock with lots of drama) and rather like this album. Dark Quarterer is another vaguely similar cool band that nobody else likes.

  4. Jacob Slemmer says:

    To Whom it May Concern:

    It must make your egos feel so good to congratulate yourselves every week as the designated taste makers of all things heavy metal. Most of the stories on this site read like an angry teenager who’s only satisfaction in life is shitting on anything not worthy of his/her unreachable standards of the genre.

    When did it become cool to hate on pioneers Iron Maiden or Black Flag? Since when did you become the judges of every fuckin band someone may listen to? Who gives a fuck about the source of a t-shirt or drinking beer at shows? So sick of punk-ass metallers who feel like they are only ones who wear the “true badge of metal” and extreme musical taste.

    So many fuckin rules and musical dress code specs for bunch of guys who preach anarchy and individuality. And before you attack me with your limited sophistication & intellect, I am as old as you…been going to shows since the 80s and will continue to read DMU blog because I LIKE heavy metal! I like reading about bands listening to new and classic bands! But this story pisses me off and I don’t even have any these bands in my collection!!! Come find me at Urban Outfitters(not really) if you would like to talk further!

    1. nigstomper88 says:

      >So many fuckin rules and musical dress code specs for bunch of guys who preach anarchy and individuality.

      dmu preaches the exact opposite of those things you illiterate

    2. ugh says:

      Nobody actually enjoys reading or writing these smrs. It’s just trolling in the hopes that someone gullible/sincere reads it and gets flustered enough to leave an angry reply so everyone can swarm and shred them like so many piranhas.

      1. Actually, SMRs correct an old error of the DMU: we did not speak up enough on what sucked, which allowed it to unchallenged take root among us.

        1. ugh says:

          Except nobody really gives a shit about these no-name bands.

          1. Necronomeconomist says:

            Right! Brett, these SMRs are just a blur of SUCKSSUCKSSUCKSSUCKSSUCKSSUCKSSUCKSSUCKSSUCKSSUCKSSUCKSSUCKS

            about bands which we would have never heard, unless Daniel Maarat brought them out of nowhere to excoriate. So readers get legitimately bored by the article. It’s killing my bliss. SMR’s just give airtime to things that suck.

            Personally, it seems more effective, programmatically, to keep hammering on the idols that people might hear about. Like Pantera, Death, Cannibal’s Corpse, ‘Slaughter of the Soul’, even DefHeaven I guess.

            1. ugh says:

              That gets old very quickly, as well. Truth is, there are no more good ideas for dmu and you will not see improvement. This was done on purpose. Articles will continue to be clickbait with occasional pimping of decent bands.

      2. Attention Defecate Disorder says:

        Funny – and accurate I think.

    3. canadaspaceman says:

      I think the point was not so much an attack of Iron Maiden or Black Flag, as it was the past decade’s metal scenesters/posers. You know the kind, who follow whatever is the most famous/trendy band of the week, instead of discovering and liking underground metal bands even if nobody else likes them.
      and…since we speak of Black Flag, here’s the version without Rollins.
      FLAG {Black Flag} LIVE In Toronto 6/14/2013 “FULL SHOW” Keith & Chuck & Bill & Dez & Stephen
      SHOT & FILMED BY: “Ferris Corman” {Creepy Ghoul}
      PART 1
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrS4emqczgc
      PART 2
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaHLn7Hxc_U

    4. GGALLIN1776 says:

      “true badge of metal”

      It’s “trve”, it’s not kvlt if it doesn’t look like it was carved in Roman antiquity by stone worn hands.

      Being urban (your choice of outfitter implies this), do you sag your pants? Only utilitarian BDU pants are real. are real.

      1. GGALLIN1776 says:

        Redact the second “are real”. My dumb gook phone has a stutter from being beaten behind the opium den for non-payment of services rendered.

        I swear I’m gonna break it over my knee then force feed it into the anus of the chic who sold it to me.

        1. Phones are retarded. It’s amazing how much we have unlearned over the past thirty years, not just in interface but in making smoothly functioning machines.

          I normally use a corporate Windows phone. It is really terrible for some things, but pretty good for basic functions and integrates with Outlook, so it’s a no brainer.

          I have tried using an iPhone. Its strength is that the interface is responsive, simple and makes daily tasks easy. Per the Apple mantra of being for the esurient herd, it makes doing anything but what dumbshits do into rocket science that involves having to hack the entire phone, at which point the Apple guys freak out and come rape you with a bucket of squirrel lard for lube. The problem with this phone is that it is manipulative. Apple decides on the One Right Way, which is designed for idiots with nothing better to do than dick with their phones all day long, and then they narrow this down until it forces you toward certain activities. It is like being a cow on a farm with forced milking, or one of those crazy “free use” broads in her new Daddy’s basement, or just a corporate cube slave on smoke break before another four hours of attending meetings, filing TPS reports, reply-to-alling emails and otherwise doing fuck-all of relevance but still being a good “hard worker”! The interface is slick, the browser works alright, so the differentiation between apps is less desperate than it is controlling, but ultimately this phone is like living under a hybrid of Communism and Consumerism. Run away as quickly as possible.

          Recently, I tried an Android. Man, this is shlock! The interface is slow, always lagging, even on a pretty powerful phone. One gets the impression that there are random background processes flowering and fruiting like an invasive species. The apps and interface look like they were designed on a white board and no one actually sat down and used them. For the amount of processor this phone has, it is held back to a ludicrous degree, and the reason is “freedom”: every app by every manufacturer installs itself in a greedy paranoid rush to get that big slice of “market share,” which probably has no relation to actual profits. Apps are chaotic, mostly scammy, either corporate apps for stuff you do not need — no, I really do not need a car wash app — or third-world programmer/hacker/scammer types making really shitty versions of things we had nearly fully functional on desktops for decades. You need the apps, however, because the dumbshits cannot produce even one fully functional browser. Unbelievable. With this level of crap performance, I can see why people buy Apple, but only 12% of them do because Apple is such a Big Brother with a cold finger in your anus when the lights go out at night.

          So, all in all, and probably to my surprise, I like the Windows phone best. It does useful stuff just fine. It works with the desktop. It does not attempt to tell when it is Sodomy and Warm Milk Time. The apps, while stodgily inept in that classic Microsoft corporate committee thinking way, generally do what they advertise they will do, although there are always glitches. This is the phone that billionaires do, and they hire an app developer to clean up the glitches and have it send back a packet stream 46 55 43 4b 20 59 4f 55 back to Redmond every 20 minutes, and then it works fine. iPhone is a prole phone, Android is kooky human chaos like the average strip mall, and Microsoft is corporate ineptitude that hits the bottom line every time.

          1. filthy casual says:

            BlackBerry master race

          2. Diarrhea Man says:

            I use IPhone solely because of it’s music production capabilities. Being able to plug my guitar into my phone and record with unlimited choices of amps/effects is really nifty. Android/Windows are not set up efficiently for this and have latency when you plug an instrument into them, as well as not having nearly the same quantity or quality in music production apps.

            1. Deformed, Tortured and Abused says:

              Who the fuck does anything productive on their phone?

              Also where`s my prostate massager review?

          3. Necronomeconomist says:

            Brett, this is the longest article you’ve written in like a year.

            What kind of corporate job have you got?

  5. Deport All Hipsters says:

    > Ethmebb

    Their titles are somewhat humoristic, the lyrics might be, but I’d still rather listen to Gronibard.

    1. GGALLIN1776 says:

      If you look at that quickly it says “groinhard”.

  6. Cornrose says:

    It does and should u fucking poseur. Foad jacktwat!

  7. What is your take on Caïna? Is it the worst band in the metal scene today?

  8. I post here irregularly, but always forget my name. says:

    Starlit Woods is that Winter Blackness nigga at it again… So many fuckin’ bands. Where does he find the time?

    1. Winter Blackness is better than Scarlet Woods. He should just focus on one or two of them instead of thirty.

      1. Marc Defranco says:

        I think the dude should stick with Blood Stronghold

  9. Vigilance says:

    Why hasn’t DMU reviewed Pouya?

  10. Marc Defranco says:

    I like the first starlit woods release but def not this one, dissapointing

  11. Let's only talk about Blasphemy says:

    Demoniac!!!

  12. Hero Quest Player says:

    You know, at some point one of the “musicians” in those SMRed bands will take the kill yourself advice seriously and leave a note about how the DMU made him do it… I have no doubt you’ll welcome the free PR, but I still wonder if you’ll take it like a real hessian, daring to go on TV claiming that the guy did the right thing, or if you’ll be all “hey we wee just joking”.

    1. Necronomeconomist says:

      My nigga, I PROMISE, I GUARANTEE such a thing will never happen. One of those bands will never EVER kill themselves and say DMU made them do it.

      You are #baked.

    2. Life-Denialist says:

      Suicide is the highest form of artistry most could ever achieve.

  13. Dr. Khan says:

    Writer of SMR articles should write an SMR article about his most recent SMR article, leading into a vortex of pure retardation.

  14. Glibert V says:

    Yes, Carpatus is a crap

Comments are closed.