Sadistic Metal Reviews: Iron Coneheads

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Death Metal Underground constantly receives new batches of rock music masquerading as “blackened death metal” for the scenester, “buy everything” market. We microwave these promotional materials inside the homes of people we hate.

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BolzerHero (2016)
Bolzer present us another “blackened death metal” album that is actually simply alternative rock with out of key deathcore chugging and breakdowns set to Pantera grooves. Slasher flick acting bad flat singing and poor attempts at adult contemporary vocal harmonization are the only things driving these verse chorus verse pop rock songs forward. Of course the only elaborated melodies are occasional, uninspiring leads that drone on far too long tacked on towards the end of these emo Deathspell Omega numbers. Athletic Rock Hero is not; Hero is Godsmack stomp rock covered by an Opeth bloated fat on mango habanero IPAs and Instagramed grassfed bison burgers topped with garlic bacon fat aoli and arugula. Bolzer is rock aimed at those leftists for whom Opeth’s dad rock focused on dads is threatening; fathers heading heteronormative family units represent a danger to the instability that originates those hedonistic sexual paraphilias leftists promulgate as typical and ordinary.

atanor
Atanor – Atanor (2016)
Riff salad, semi-dissonant black metal riffs arranged into too lengthy and droning songs. Atanor sounds too lethargic at times as if the band is worn out from the previous track. Atanor has actual riffs though, they just need to be refined into coherent musical pieces. If Atanor composed their riffs into lengthy melodic narratives that conclude instead of droning onward to listeners’ boredome, then they could be fit to be something other than a local opener but now this is just yet another unexceptional modern black metal album that will quickly be disposed of in a saturated market.

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Mouth of Madness – Mouth of Madness (2016)
Riff salad black/death metal that’s your typical hodgepodge of influences bashed out into enlengthened hardcore songs. Not grotesquely offensive but completely unmemorable; yet another discardable d-list effort in a saturated digital underground.

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Spectral Voice / Phrenelith – Spectral Voice / Phrenelith (2016)
Not awful but unrefined death/black metal split. I don’t know why anyone actually buys these anymore. Why not just listen to it once on Bandcamp or Youtube and forget it exists? It’s not like you’re gonna play the physical tape or 7″ again. This crap isn’t good enough for that; it’s something only put out so Fenriz will maybe stick it on Radio Fenriz as the tracks are inoffensive and Fenriz is drunk.

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Temple Nightside – The Hetacomb (2016)
Very boring black death doom band. The Hetacomb is Imprecation but so stoned, telling the songs apart except from the samples and atmospheric bullshit is impossible. Temple Nightside’s riffs are all generic heavy metal chugs. Occasionally, Temple Nightside  wake into surprising moments of lucidity and decide to actually play death or black metal but mostly The Hetacomb is more stoner doom for idiots.

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Verberis – Vexamen (2016)
Dissonant black, death ‘n’ roll. Indistinguishable riffs in hardcore songs. Think a shittier, Deathspell Omega worshiping version of Verminous without occassionally catchy riffs and gang vocals. Vexamen only exists for simple-minded sceneters believing actual black metal and uh Motorhead are too Nazi for mosh to.

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Heavydeath – In Circles We Die (2016)
Hipster stoner rock masquerading as death metal. Idiots will scream when you point out what Heavydeath actually sound much more like Queens of the Stone Age than Incantation.

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Cross Vault – Miles to Take (2016)
Vocally-focused hipster singalong rock claiming to be “doom metal” like Black Sabbath. No, this is hipster rock like Bon Iver and Pallbearer.

chhinnamasta
Chhinnamasta – Vajra-Sarpa (2016)
I fell asleep listening to this rotten attempt at ritualism.

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11 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Iron Coneheads”

  1. Ggallin1776 says:

    Chhinnamasta? Are they the masters of the china section at goodwill?

      1. sean says:

        Chhinnamasta is horrible.

  2. At least Heavydeath has a swastika

    1. We need already thosde DARK FUNERAL & UNGOD reviews !!

  3. Can you survive the blitzkrieg says:

    Motorhead’s first post Lemmy release, of many to come I’m sure Clean Your Clock shows a band taking it to the end limit, Lemmy looks crazed and fighting death the entire time, while his voice strains in places the music is energetic and spot on, those guys were fucking solid til the end. I also reccomend Bad Magic, great last album, Motörhead were great and far superior to any sausage party shit reviewed in this edition of Sadistic. Are these all Iron Bonehead releases? Didn’t this label used to be alright some 16 years ago?

  4. You're Right says:

    I’d rather narfel the Garthok than listen to these bands

  5. snaggletooth says:

    “Athletic Rock Hero is not; Hero is Godsmack stomp rock covered by an Opeth bloated fat on mango habanero IPAs and Instagramed grassfed bison burgers topped with garlic bacon fat aoli and arugula”…..!!!!! Wrong Acid Imagination. Brilliant.

  6. squishy crackers that got rained on says:

    on the plus side, the coneheads and dark adversary just put out Black Funeral’s newest album

  7. precious says:

    bolzer is not that bad infact temple nightside is brilliant but i agree on chhinnamasta.. weak .. very weak EP.

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