Sadistic Metal Reviews: Monday Mastications

FeedingPenguin
Oh here she comes. Watch out boy she’ll chew you up. She’s a maneater. – Darryl Hall and John Oates, 1982.

black tusk pillars of ash
Black Tusk – Pillars of Ash (2016)
A fusion of party rock, screamo, and hardcore punk, Pillars of Ash brings a risible contribution to the rock/punk spectrum that many a beginner is prone to confuse with metal. The relevant question here is whether or not Black Tusk have anything worthwhile to offer to the listener that may not be found in higher quality elsewhere. The answer is a resounding NO. The album plays like a tenuous stream of echoes of 1980s hardcore bands rearranged with Mario Paint.

tombs all empires fall
Tombs – All Empires Fall (2016)
Tombs is described in some places as black or post metal, and while there is some borrowing from black metal techniques in the use of some blast beats and an imitation of traditional black metal vocals, Tombs isn’t isn’t black metal. The post-metal is correctly applied in that this isn’t much more than a poor excuse for pseudo-ambient experiments with haphazardly connected sections being paraded as composition. There are strong references to doom metal, cheap and stompy heavy rock, with post rock being added as the way to get away with 3rd rate writing. All in all, boring, generic, unfocused, and unoriginal background music. Tombs is lounge music.

howls of ebb third eye
Howls of Ebb – Cursus Impasse: The Pendlomic Vows (2016)
Entirely random pastiche of metal clichés loosely held together by psychedelic interludes and a drunk vocalist feigning faux lunacy. If a blend of Voivod, galloping heavy metal, canned black metal and fuzz drenched noise rock wah wah soloing wasn’t pointless enough, the band commands and impressively dissociated catalog of occult vocabulary to match.

nucleus sentient
Nucleus – Sentient (2016)
Nucleus have fun in the studio and they want you, dear listener, to have fun at home with them. If you like Demilich but thought it was too strange, too serious, or too weird to play around your sister then Sentience is the record that delivers all the thrills of Finnish extradimensional insectoid death without danger of unthrashability. All the more perfect for fucking your sister behind the dumpster at the skatepark.

candelabrum necrotelepathy
Candelabrum – Necrotelepathy (2016)
Two twenty minute tracks of spooky landscapes, sad vampire vocals, and canned drum patterns. If the goal was to stride the line between hysterical and uncomfortable, this record is a resounding success. Necrotelepathy is more Vampire Diaries metal.

abyssus once entombed
Abyssus – Once Entombed (2016)
Another pizza thrash band with a veneer of death metal fronted by a Greek John Tardy fan. The album art and song titles make adequate use of Death Metal Band Generator. Perfect comedy for those Saturday mornings when you are drunk with fellow “scene veterans.”

clawhammer abortion slaughter campaign
Clawhammer Abortion – Slaughter Campaign (2016)
This band took every criticism levied against death metal and wrote an album of it. In order to get through, I turned it into a drinking game: Hear a cliché, drink. The only problem is I passed out drunk after three songs and the Editor took over. He heard so many Sodom breakdowns and generic grindcore riffs that he kicked my ghetto blaster into the campfire. Only the most calcified kidneys and fattiest livers prevail in the Eternal War.

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13 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Monday Mastications”

  1. LostInTheANUS says:

    Wow, thanks for recommending Nucleus, guys! Now I have finally found the perfect background music for when I’m sodomizing my sister when our parents aren’t home. There’s nothing better than your little sister telling you that you’re better in bed than dad after an hour-long session of sensual love making!

    1. vOddy says:

      I don’t get it.
      Why bring up incest in this review? What’s the relevance?
      I am confused, and feel like an autist who doesn’t get any of the jokes at a party.

      1. C.M. says:

        I speak from the perspective of a US citizen, but here, incest is conflated with low intelligence.

        A friend of mine got married in Kentucky and they required him and his wife to show birth papers to prove that they were not any closer than second-cousins. Apparently it’s a problem there.

        1. vOddy says:

          Hahahahahaha, that is amazing.
          On one hand, you have competent scientists in every field: biologists, physicists, astronomers…
          On the other hand, you have people impregnating their close relatives like it’s some bloody muslim country. I suppose that if you don’t know that genetic evolution exists, then you may not know that inbreeding is bad for the gene pool, either. Lol.

          When people say that the U.S is a “melting pot” of different cultures, what they really should be saying is that it’s a “hamburger”.

          1. C.M. says:

            Most comically, the people likely to enter into incestuous relations are some of the most racially bigoted people in the country. Ironic, and more than a little.

            Yeah, the US is faring poorly.

            1. LostInTheANUS says:

              “Most comically, the people likely to enter into incestuous relations are some of the most racially bigoted people in the country.”
              Same goes for kikes incidentally.

      2. Billy Foss says:

        The answer to your question lies in the last hyperlink of the Nucleus review. Agent Orange is essentially a speed metal album with the tremolo riffing serving as superficial death metal nose art. I presume the comparison suggests that Sentient is similarly evasive in it’s fence riding between alienating cosmic death metal and more inclusive thrash inclinations. More specifically, the third track of Agent Orange is titled Incest which, like many of the songs on Sentient, has a hangover breakdown about halfway through. I don’t know, I like the weird riffs, but I’ve tried to listen to it twice now and every time it slows down I just get bored.

  2. Can you survive the blitzkrieg says:

    I guess it’s 50 ambient spooky art project DMs, lazy war metals, and the usual stonery “scenes music” bands for every Blaspherian. Keep your death metal strict, focused and underground, stay away from music scenes or you’ll let them infect you. Every fucking asshole at a show has a band now, it’s easy self gratification leaving the same trail of feces and garbage the rest of modern society does in its wake. There are no diamonds in the turds, that “lifestyle” is a broke ass version of Hollywood celeb culture, or rap culture, with a bunch of fucking druggies, drunks and stds. “Getting out there and doing it” doesnt the mean shit if you aren’t making another Altars. Death Metal needs a strong leader, now more than ever, no more lifestyle hobbies.

    1. yeah really says:

      It’s all too easy now. There should be a pay to play policy for every live venue. That’ll eliminate all the druggie Pantera nuthugger bands and their tag along STD vectors. Fuck them all. Pin them down to the ground and fuck them all. Fuck’em.

  3. Blake Jugg (Death-Aware Carebear) says:

    I miss Prozak

  4. C.M. says:

    Shame about Howls of Ebb. More squandered potential.

  5. Vae Victis says:

    Someone out in the wilds of the internet has been up to no good:

    http://metalkemperprofiles.xyz/sadistic-metal-reviews-monday-mastications/

    Is this connected to the post as seen here or is someone just indulging in some extreme plagiarism?

    1. C.M. says:

      Plagiarism. Highly trained assassins – er, diplomats have been dispatched to – ah, negotiate strenuously.

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