/smr/ Sadistic Metal Reviews: Post Black Eulogy (Part 1)

[Join DMU editor Brock Dorsey on the first of a two part massacre of the soy metal sub genre that has bastaradized black metal beyond the belief!  Also, this image is an actual cover from an actual post black metal album- you can’t make this stuff up!]

Post black metal was an embarrassing sub genre of soy metal.  Built upon a foundation of either screamo, pop punk, metalcore, math rock, shoegaze, or avant-garde and fused with the most minimal touches of black metal, post black metal was a flavor of the week(/weak) trend that lasted from around 2009 to 2014.  The genre name is misleading, however, as most bands only claimed to be metal and incorporated only slight touches of metal characteristics before abandoning them completely in future releases.  As indicated by its core standard bearers being dropped by labels, performing terribly in sales and Facebook likes, and being forgotten by fans, post black metal has finally passed away.  As we lay it to rest with one final cremation in the SMR fashion, let us learn from its failings as the future looks to more traditional forms of heavy metal  to restore a once proud genre.

First, we must understand metal history to understand how such an abomination could happen, as Post-black metal followed a number of flavor of the week black metal trends and bands.  The first of these, symphonic black metal, sent many fans of the original (true) black metal genre into a frenzy with their incorporation of gothic influences.  What was to come would be much worse, however, as the soy metal bands marketed as black metal would prove to be far more embarrassing than the Victorian campiness of Cradle of Filth or the industrial meddling of …And Oceans.  The next flavor of the week black metal trend was cleverly concealed in a cloak of static, but the hipsterisms of “depressive black metal” would soon be known to the world.  Time was not kind to the legacy of Xasthur and Leviathan, both of whom are now widely panned against the metal community, as where the thousands of “bedroom black metal” clones who polluted Myspace.  With many short lived flavor of the week trends (such as “Norsecore” and “Cascadian black metal”) and bands (Kult ov Azazel, Inquisition) in between, the soy metal- black metal hybird that was post black metal was the next successful marketing scheme to deceive young and retarded metal fans alike.

Performed mostly by wealthy but useless trust fund kinds from liberal cities, post black metal was to metal as emo was to rock music: feminine, tame, and a complete and utter bastardazation.  Thus, post metal was eventually abandoned by its former fans, spat on by the metal community, dropped by metal/rock record labels, and remembered poorly by music lovers.  Much like how the rent some of its musicians was eventually cut off from their parent’s bank roll, post metal was eventually told to stop leaching off the metal community so that the genre may maintain a shred of dignity.

Brace yourselves for an infernal evisceration unlike aynthing you’ve ever seen before, because in this edition of SMR, we won’t just be sadistically reviewing albums…

 

 

we’ll be sadistically reviewing careers.

 


Liturgy  The Ark Work

No band in post black metal has been as big a failure as Liturgy.  Founded by the grandson of billionaire oil tycoon H.L. Hunt, Liturgy appeared positioned to be modern metal’s most prosperous band. With an unlimited bankroll and journalist connections from his trust-fund activist sister, Hunter-Hunt Hendrix quickly became a beacon of controversy when he published his “black metal manifesto” term paper for Columbia University (whose professors and admissions are often bought by rich parents, producing great marks for mediocrity), in which he boldly proclaimed that his creation of “transcendental metal” was both the antithesis to black metal and it’s ultimate perfection.  In reality, his document was poorly researched, sourced, and written and ultimately his music was just post rock with harsher distortion.  Still, Hunter managed to con gullible lefty journalists into gushing over Liturgy and fool booking agents into booking the band alongside Metallica.   Liturgy even made an acting appearance in an episode of “The Blacklist” (although nobody old enough to be duped into thinking Liturgy is good is watching prime time television).

Liturgy was groomed to be a star, however one problem remained: nobody actually liked Liturgy’s music.  Liturgy are the Hillary Clinton of soy metal.  Despite all of the hype, trendy hipster aesthetics, money, and promotion, Liturgy currently only has an embarrassing 18,192 likes on their official Facebook page.  Just to put things in perspective, that’s less than Kult Ov Azazel, Beherit, and… fucking Archgoat!  I am not fucking shitting you- fucking Archgoat is actually more popular than hipster darlings Liturgy!!!  In an era where music sharing didn’t exist, Liturgy may have been able to get away with a large number of sales, but while their theatrics were known to many- their music would be enjoyed by few.

The Ark Work is not the completed evolution of black metal, but the completed evolution of a spoiled trust fund kid who had a phase where he was into Burzum for a short time.  Much like kids like Hunter, the album is noisy, obnoxious, and generally unpleasant to encounter.  The opening song was played in such a high octave that it was actually painful to listen to, and if your dog is in the room he will surely start barking.  There is absolutely no logic to any of he composition or structure, which is probably the result of Hunter being told his disastrous art projects are good because his professors were fishing for that H.L. Hunt donation money.   One must ask, what purpose does an album that irritates its listener serve?  As a “haha, gotcha?”  If so, the joke has been published and purchased and quickly discarded.  If it is to to be ironic, that it’s like “dude, its like, so smart it’s bad” than haha, I get it.  But if the music is meant to serve any shred of artistic or intellectual integrity whatsoever, it has completely and unfathomably failed.  Where the teachers of Hunter have failed to give him an F, I will succeed:  Hunter, this album is the work of a failed musician whose delusional Bushwick bubble will be broken by a meaningless career and legacy.

Wolves in the Throne Room – Celestite

Wolves in the Throne room have had some descent parts on their debut album, Diadem of 12 Stars, but an 11 year career comprised of only one riffing and drumming style has unveiled them to be a one trick pony.  Formed on a hick farm in California by two brothers rumored to be incestuous homosexuals (along with a guitarist who allegedly doubles as a threesome partner),  Wolves in the Throne room pandered to a growingly feminized crowd of metalheads who want to listen to Burzum but prefer something less edgy.  They got lots of media publicity not for quality music, but instead for outrageous Velvet-Cacoon-like gimmicks such as torch-lit shows and an organic, environmental friendly lifestyle.  This resonated well with gullible Cali hipsters, who gobbled up their albums when drone music and heroin addictions were in style.

With absolutely nothing threatening or violent about them (unlike their predecessor, Leviathan), Wolves in the Throne Room were able to reach the masses and, in turn, lay down a foundation for may soy metal bands to follow:  have generic uninspired riffs that focus solely on mood, get female indie vocalists to sing over ambient interludes, offer absolutely nothing new musically that wasn’t done before by Burzum, and use gimmicks and non-metal aesthetics to promote your music.  Yet after a few years, Wolves in the Throne Room were abandoned by virtually all of their fans:  the actual metalheads that enjoyed their early album figured out that they were trendy and useless, and the fake metalheads  went on to glorify the soy metal bands that were less and less metal.  Wolves were forgotten.

Having exhausted their ability to ripoff Burzum’s metal albums, Wolves in the Throne Room went on to ripoff Burzum’s ambient albums on Celestite.  Named after a crystal you buy at weird new age shops run by fat women with cats, the album is ultimately a hybrid of Burzum outros and goth metal keyboards.  The selected instruments poorly compliment one another, and ultimately the album sounds like a bunch of short ambient pieces chopped and and randomly assorted together.  While this formula was effective for Apex Twin, WITTR failed to match their ability to create interesting, moving pieces.  Instead, the album sounds like a weird collection of sounds made by weird dudes on a farm, and somehow is worse than Daudi Balders.  Since Celestite was not recorded from prison, there is no excuse- Wolves in the Throne room are just tired a gimmick that no longer works for anyone.

Altar of Plagues – Teethed Glory and Injury

Altar of Plagues prove the invalidity of Metal Archives’ determination of “what is metal” more than any of the 121,000 bands featured on the site.  For them to argue that this band is more metal than Avenged Sevenfold or Mudvayne is beyond foolish as both bands (while still terrible) have more metal riffs, metal characteristics, and metal personality than Altar of Plagues ever did throughout their 3 album career.  For Altar of Plagues is actually an ambient/post rock band, but because they have short segments of screamed vocals and blast beats, some outrageously retarded neckbeards have actually been duped into thinking they are a metal band.  Being one of the most popular bands from Ireland marketed as metal, they have ensured that anything the emerald isle produces henceforth will be met with great skepticism.

Teethed Glory and Injury sounds like every Altar of Plagues album: 30 minutes of mindless drone/post rock dribble, 4 or 5 minutes of blast beats, and 10-15 minutes of math rock.  But because of those 4 minutes of blast beats and screamed vocals (despite being under a post rock/math rock riff with distortion), CNN-wannabe metal journalists will try to tell you that Altar of Plagues is black metal.  They are not.  They are only able to be called “post-black metal” because post black metal is a derivative of soy metal, not black metal or even metal at all.  What you see on this album cover is exactly what you get- performance art garbage in music form.  Fortunately for the world, main man James Kelly has dissolved Altar of Plagues to continue making experimental indie music that is not marketed as that of another genre.

Ghost Bath – Starmouner 

Once and awhile, major labels like Metal Blade and Nuclear Blast will sign a flavor of the week band to a soul-destroying multi album record deal so they can make a quick buck off them and then ensure they will never record an album with another label again.  Ghost Bath is an example of this: picked up by Nuclear Blast last year, Ghost Bath’s sole album on the label was so poorly received that I can guarantee you that you will never hear from this band again.  Unfortunately for Nuclear Blast, the manufactured hype around this band was so temporary and fleeting that they only way they would have been able to make any money is if the deal was shoved up Ghost Bath’s ass while their horrible but fiscally successful second album was still out to press.

Much like that ridiculous “Islamic one woman black metal” prank that was on Facebook a number of years ago, Ghost Bath’s entire career was built off of scamming the oft-discredited music journalist Kim Kelly.  Kelly, who writes for the notoriously low paying VICE Magazine’s web blog when she isn’t committing acts of Antifa terrorism or checking the tickets at the doors of shitty Williamsburg clubs, was somehow duped into gushing over the band because they listed “China” as their home country on their Facebook page.  In one of the most hilarious happenings in all of music history, Ghost Bath were universally acclaimed by fake news leftist metal media only for it to be revealed that the band are actually a bunch of young white kids from the midwestern United States who have no Asian heritage or ancestry.  Suddenly, the social justice warrior media elite were off the Ghost Bath train, but not before exposing their terrible music to thousands of gullible hipster losers.  The pullback was too late:  people were buying Ghost Bath’s Moonlover album based solely on its artwork and Silencer-ripoff vocals.

By the time Nuclear Blast threw a deal at the band, they had convinced themselves that they were good musicians and creative geniuses.  Big mistake- as Starmourner mirrored the disastrous sound of 16 year olds starting their first band and recording it.  Essentially, the music is AFI’s Sing the Sorrow but with Silencer’s vocal style.  I kid you not- the album is straight screamo with “woman shriek” vocals and novice instrumentation.  There is a video on YouTube somewhere that indicates some of the riffs appearing in the theme song to Beverly Hills 90210.  Some of the leads are so embarrassing one again questions if the band tried to suck on purpose.

To Be Continued…..

Alas, Post black metal must be slowly and painfully incinerated and so this long cremation will continue next week.  Post black metal was such a horrific mistake that should never, EVER be made again, that it’s worth another 2,000 words to completely degrade, diminish, and ultimately destroy its legacy.  While post black metal is dead and buried, a double article eulogy and cremation is the only way to fully annihilate this humiliating moment of Western Art and Culture.

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53 thoughts on “/smr/ Sadistic Metal Reviews: Post Black Eulogy (Part 1)”

  1. NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist says:

    There’s no soy metal! It’s shemale music!

    1. Charles Stuart says:

      Do you prefer your post-metal to be pre-op?

  2. Charles Stuart says:

    With the post-metal wave having crested, it seems that metal music has become significantly less popular in general. This seems like a positive development to keep the useless herds from fucking up our music with their inane demands.

    The one good thing to be said about Liturgy is that their songs were usually not interminably long like so many others of this shithole genre. In fact, on their early works most of them clocked in right around the standard 2:30 of pop singles… which probably tells us something.

  3. neutronhammer says:

    Excellent! but it’s not as dead as you think, there’s still a massive audience of mostly metal illiterate millennial and kids who have the slipknot discography on their phones.

  4. post-retarded says:

    “transcendental metal” … is this the long awaited transmetal review?

    1. LostInTheANUS says:

      Yes, TRANScendental Triple H is the pioneer of transmetal.

    2. S.C. says:

      Don’t lump in the Mexican death metal legends with such trash.

  5. No Deus Vult?

    The only post-metal band that didn’t completely suck is Ulcerate, and that’s because they didn’t forget about riffs.

    1. Jerry Hauppa says:

      Ulcerate has ONE riff in like 6 records- the very end of Of Fracture and Failure. Where are you hearing riffs? They exclusively rely on textures because either they are deliberately moving away from thematic music or they can’t compose anything beyond aesthetics.

      1. NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist says:

        Ulcerate is shemale music!

        1. Brock Dorsey says:

          Bahahahahaha

  6. Ivanka T. says:

    Please do a Transmetal discography review

  7. S.C. says:

    Perhaps you include some defamation of the current “rising star” metal bastardizers, Zeal and Ardor in the next iteration.

  8. Reduced Without Any Effort says:

    These reviews have everything wrong with them that the whining about these bands 5 years ago did. The truth is that “this isn’t *real* black metal” is not an inherently convincing argument when talking about a band’s music (and never has been) because the black metal genre is such a dead and beaten horse that its visionaries were either dead or trying to escape its confines 20 years ago. The only people still fighting over the rights to the “black metal” label are the copycats, losers, and non-visionaries who are still trying in vain to recapture the glory of music that they will never truly grasp to begin with.

    On the surface, it’s easy to see why this sort of argument was so prevalent, and I was one of the people making it at the time. The implicit point is that these damn hipsters never knew what made metal music potent to begin with, and they didn’t even like it anyways until it became hip, so fuck them. The problem is that this argument became more and more about the people making the music than the music itself, and no matter how detestable the hipster is, truthfully, the people on the other side of the argument were just as retarded, visionless and impotent. This is evidenced by the utter mediocrity of the more traditional “black metal” that was contemporary and championed as an alternative to the “post-black metal” and “blackgaze” trends.

    Name a “true black metal” album from the last 10 years that even comes close to the glory of albums like Hvis lyset tar oss, In the Nightside Eclipse, or hell, even Pure Holocaust. This sort of reactionary scene politics is only a good thing when it produces, not stifles, musical innovation and depth and clarity of what it is conveying.

    The metal reaction against glam metal produced bands like Slayer and Metallica. The metal reaction against the increasing trendiness of death metal produced the Scandinavian black metal scene. The metal reaction against post-black metal and blackgaze produced rehashed copycat bands with nothing new and nothing of value to say.

    Wolves in the Throne Room is a great litmus test for whether someone complaining about metal scene politics has lost sight of what makes music great or not because the people who bash albums like Two Hunters, Black Cascade, and Celestial Lineage have no idea what they are talking about. Liturgy is by Hunter’s own admission within his manifesto a band that relies on calculated techniques to artificially create a distinct sound and scene for its own sake. A band like Liturgy falls short because it fails to justify itself with a deeper meaning to be conveyed by the music, which contributes greatly to it being completely flat and unemotional. Sadly, however, this is also true of modern black metal, which instead lifts its aesthetic and musical techniques from second rate black metal bands from the late 90s and 2000s, slaps a ton of reverb on, and has Satanic lyrics. They have nothing to say except “I’m a black metal band! Give me musical credit because I’m playing the same genre as some albums from the 90s that were a million times better!” Yes Dopey, you could swap the Satan shit with “TEMPLAR” lyrics, and all it would do is append “and I’m a faggot whose life accomplishment is browsing 4chan” to the prior statement.

    But Wolves in the Throne Room? This site loves to say it preaches the values of narrative structure and thematic development in the pursuit of deeper meaning until they actually listen to it, apparently. Brock Dopey in true Dopey fashion while completely failing to understand what makes metal great panders just slightly to the truth that WITTR is a better band than DMU says by singling out Diadem as having decent parts but his idiocy is revealed to anyone who isn’t a complete idiot by the fact that Diadem was a confused, meandering Weakling ripoff that despite indeed having individually compelling sections and riffs (evidence of their natural talent) was by far their worst album until Celestite.

    Two Hunters, Black Cascade, and Celestial Lineage however, are three of the only albums since the fading of the Scandinavian scene to actually advance the genre, both in worldview and in musical depth. In these albums WITTR escapes the tired riff-salad style (which due to overuse is no longer a potent compositional style in death and black metal) and uses thematic development to compellingly bring an experience of the thematic narrative of the collapse of the modern world to the organic spiritual potential that exists afterward that unlike so many actually completes the cycle of nihilism by establishing its own organic truth. To rip on surface-level post-rock musical techniques establishes you as an idiot because it is congruent and serves the intensity and depth of the music.

    If you bash WITTR you are a poser and a false who probably doesn’t even recognize the supremacy and power of Hvis lyset tar oss as the greatest metal album and you should kys immediately. WITTR is one of the only bands to actually comprehend the depth and meaning of HLTO as a defiant antithesis to the modern world and to actually build on it rather than imitating its aesthetics or musical conventions on a surface level. Your favorite band probably still thinks Satanism is something more than a fad for neckbeards and permavirgins deficient in both IQ and EQ. LMFAO

    1. Brock Dorsey says:

      Dude, if you’re gonna be submitting 8 paragraph long form respones you might as well send it to me in an article

    2. ghjkl; says:

      nigga u think I’m reading all that virginal word salad?

      1. ghjkl; says:

        Ok, I read it. You think Wolves in the Throne room (cloying post-rock dressed up as BM) were in any way building on Burzum’s HLTS. That opinion made me lost IQ points. Congratulations. Your Demilich reference handle should be revoked by the admins.

        1. Reduced Without Any Effort says:

          Before you kys for being an irredeemable idiot, read the interview they did here 10 years ago, which played a large role in confirming to me they were indeed one of the only worthy voices in contemporary metal. Also if you truly believe WITTR is post-rock dressed as black metal you either have never listened to post-rock or you’re talking out of your ass because you think it’s the “correct” opinion and are a sheep in which case lmao @ your life. P.S. I listen to more death metal than you. http://www.deathmetal.org/interview/wolves-in-the-throne-room/

          1. LostInTheANUS says:

            Instead of being a whiny bitch, try going back to reddit

          2. Whatever says:

            “Black Metal is about journeying to the frontier. This is not a place where we can live and create our human world. We go there and return. Some people, often with the help of drugs, lose ones humanity by staring into that void for too long. Enveloped in a dark otherworld, the Black Metaler forgets that the human’s role in the universe to live and create.”

            In other words black metal is a form of LARP, or pretend to get that quick fix of escapism.

        2. I'm black says:

          This guy always gets triggered by criticism of wittr. He’s written the same lengthy spiel here before.

    3. Rainer Weikusat says:

      The metal reaction against glam metal produced bands like Slayer and Metallica. The metal reaction against the increasing trendiness of death metal produced the Scandinavian black metal scene. The metal reaction against post-black metal and blackgaze produced rehashed copycat bands with nothing new and nothing of value to say.

      Early Metallica is as “glam metal”.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB8OvPtf_d0

      That’s as Guns’n’Roses as Guns’n’Roses could possibly make it.

      1. Reduced Without Any Effort says:

        Scandinavian black metal had plenty of death metal in it, especially in its early stages, too. It doesn’t change the fact that it largely arose as a reaction to stagnation in death metal, and the fact that bay area thrash bands were influenced somewhat by glam doesn’t change that it was largely a reaction to glam. What’s your point? It has nothing to do with the fact that this reaction to post-black metal has yet to produce anything of more musical value than the stuff it’s criticizing.

        1. Marc Defranco says:

          I’m not saying you have to start a band or anyone with this argument should, but every time I hear the argument that there hasn’t been a substaintial reaction to mainstream metal in a long time no one seems to offer any real solutions. It’s just this band is for posers, this one is full of posers, this band is just a rehash, etc. While I agree there hasn’t been any proper reaction by underground metal I also have realized I legitimately do not know what the next step is. Maybe metal in its true sense has run its course and all that are left are people picking the corpse trying to find something left

        2. canadaspaceman says:

          LOL, “post-black metal”… it is still SHOEGAZE ROCK/alternative pop-fuzz rock.
          Adding deathy/black metal vocals doesn’t change the genre.

          1. Reduced Without Any Effort says:

            Find a so-called “post-black metal” band other than Alcest that actually sounds like a shoegaze band. Oh wait, there isn’t one and you’re regurgitating someone else’s opinion. If you’re going to make the criticism that it’s actually another genre with other vocals slapped on at least get it right and say it’s post-hardcore/emo most of the time.

        3. Rainer Weikusat says:

          Scandinavian black metal had plenty of death metal in it, especially in its early stages, too. It doesn’t change the fact that it largely arose as a reaction to stagnation in death metal

          The second Darkthrone album was somewhat of a rushed affair with the style changed during the recording session. I suspect this was triggered by listening to Burzum demos or early recordings of the Burzum debut and driven by a desire to release something like this first. Because of this, it contains a lot of riffs which were really meant to become part of a death metal album. Euronymous’ criticism of (mostly US) death metal bands “which all sound the same” is also well-known. But nevertheless, there was no conscious “Gee, this death metal thing sucks, let’s invent something different!” decision or movement. Mayhem was described as “death metal” by the very people this criticism came from for a long time, just “real death metal” (as opposed to Cannibalized Corpse Death metal).

          Likewise, 1980s US thrash/ speed metal is more of a glam metal co-development from similar roots with the styles increasingly diverging over time. Metallica is an especially bad example for the phenomenon whose existence you asserted because Metallica went through various “fashionable” styles as the decade proceeded until settling on one which proved to be commercially very succesful (1990s style “alternative rock” — the reason why the black album was such a huge success was because it captured the very essence of this and packaged it in an easily digestible pop song format and everyone fell immediatley in love with. Been there, seen that).

          There is no “reaction” to “post black metal” because there’s absolutely no reason to “react to it” just because it exists, just as there was never a reason why “some guys from Norway” must have some natural association with a then-fashionable style of music just because it was fashionable then.

          The

          Sadly, however, this is also true of modern black metal, which instead lifts its aesthetic and musical techniques from second rate black metal bands from the late 90s and 2000s, slaps a ton of reverb on, and has Satanic lyrics.

          is as inaccurate as a description as it could possible be.

          “Satanic lyrics” is something one would expect from people with a strongly Christian background. They occur – not very prominently – in current black metal among a wide variety of other topics, having presumably faded somewhat as “strongly Christian backgrounds” became less prominent. Nevertheless, some people are seriously “religious” about that (this is not meant to be belittleling). It’s your prerogative to consider this laughable but nobody on this planet is obliged to honour your aesthetic or philosophic leanings just because they exist.

          The same applies to “musical techniques”, an amazingly coarse-grind way to describe music. The technique for playing a violin presumably hasn’t changed much in centuries, so let’s fucking burn them all, nothing new to be seen here! Even current “top ten music”, despite all of its formulaicness, has notably different characteristics.

          I’m not buying and listening to albums which “sound all the same to you” because they sound all the same to me and all these meta-explanation attempts trying to reduce an interest in something you absolutely don’t understand to some set of “boilerplate personality deficits” you believe to understand are nothing but horseshit. I usually listen to music (and I mean “listen”, not just “some background noise because the room feels empty otherwise”) when I have the time to. In practice, this means I’m cleaning my flat, washing dishes or cooking [*]. I seriously doubt potatoes, the living room floor or knifes and spoons care how “evily satanic” this make me and the idea I could them impress as such never crossed my mind.

          [*] Note to permachildren forever administrated by women: That’s all stuff you have to do as part of “a life”.

        4. Zorak says:

          I don’t think we’re going to get too many ‘reactionary’ scenes any more in this information overload age. You toss your music out into the ether and see what happens now.

    4. NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist says:

      Dude, you’re gay.

    5. Phil says:

      ^ Voice of sanity.

      Two Hunters is an amazing album, and one of black metal’s infrequent gems since its heyday.

      Black Cascade really did nothing though, as far as I can remember.

  9. That Liturgy Ark Work album is actually really excellent but it’s not remotely “black metal” or even “hipster post-black metal”. It’s very great and weird. It would make more sense to make fun of the previous album, Aethethica, as representative of hipster douchbag wannabe black metal.

    It’s important to separate the artist from his output as well. Hunter Hunt Fucktrix is a pretentious fucktard, but Ark Work an excellent album that holds up three years later.

  10. Bestial_cumography says:

    Be sure to cover the “post-death” hyperfaggotry as well. Dogshit like Blood Incantation, Spectral Voice, etc. Posers from shitty punk bands who leave, find black metal and then find death metal – since it is extremely more accepting of their wimpy, pc, vegan crying. Fuck these hipsters.

    1. Shemale Tyranny says:

      There needs to be a whole article on the shit-tier Dark Descent records.

      1. canadaspaceman says:

        What’s wrong with Dark Descent Records?
        Maybe not every one of their death/black metal releases is stellar (or to your liking), but can’t think of anything that is shitty.

        1. I'm black says:

          What’s wrong with ur anus? I know! It’s a vast gaping tattered orifice of ill repute oozing a foul, drab discharge of puss and blood that continuously effervesces a stinking miasma. The result of endless encounters with Puerto Rican and Haitian rent boys.
          Love ya!

    2. Agreed. I really want to like BI but after seeing them live they really left me with an aftertaste of a more bloviated and musically verbose Death – Human. In spirit, I think that record is more akin to what they are underneath their shallow desire to fuck around with “weird” harmonic stuff that is really normal and played out once you’ve heard Timeghoul, Immolation etc. enough times and they pretty much stay within those restraints the entire time and while all the unneeded variations in the riffs are sound in logic, but they seem to be based on the the way the harmonics work more than anything in an effort to find the next sweet spot of harmonic weirdness instead of any kind of revelation in the underlying structure. its like a surface level and also a meta-retreading of what is already supposedly known in an odd sense and its pretty fucking pointless and has put that fucked up empty feeling in my gut like I’ve been ripped off by jews or something. Maybe that’s the spacy shit what they were going for though lol mostly empty and full of arbitrary but logically connected far-out shit that you can speculate aimlessly on forever. But this has all been said and I’m probably just rephrasing shit like an autist but hopefully it adds to the empirical understanding of why this band is such a failed attempt. Don’t ever ask me to write anything for you again faggot.

    3. Chad Welliington says:

      Says the hipster twemty-something that’s been into metal for a year.

  11. Dirk says:

    I was unimpressed by Wolves In Throne Room Live (Dispirit was much better). Its also a dumb band name and too many bands have wolf in band or album name.

  12. Johnny cab says:

    Throw Abigail Williams in.

    Another awful band that has spent years as an opening act, serving as a 25 minute break to run outside with some other drunken retard to suck down a joint in the outside smoking area.

  13. canadaspaceman says:

    Liturgy – The Ark Work , “The opening song was played in such a high octave that it was actually painful to listen to, and if your dog is in the room he will surely start barking.”
    I can’t stop laughing at this!

  14. Fangorn says:

    Too many staff guys, too less authority. If this writer unable to understand any music outside the pattern of Metal, please stay away from them.

    ‘Celestite’ is no comparability with Burzum’s ambient album, and it’s better than Neptune Towers or early-Tangerine Dream.

    1. NWN War Metal Tranny Rapist says:

      No, it’s shemale music!

    2. Coolest Monkey In The Jungle says:

      You have obviously never listened to Tangerine Dream.

    3. As dookie rains from the sky... says:

      you’re an idiot

    4. whatever is dead says:

      dumbass

  15. Sheep in Wolves Clothing says:

    How would anyone forget to mention Ulver, the quintessential soy band?

    1. I am the wack blizzards says:

      Nattens Madrigal has some of the tightest composition and pacing outside of the first couple Immortal albums – more bands could have taken lessons from the raw efficacy of that musicality

      The trip-hop album after that was the only good thing Ulver’ve done though

      But yeah the guys were posers and they knew it (clap your hands) and didn’t bother to pretend otherwise

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      DSBM influenced art pop.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtZYdVNflsA

      NB: This is better without the finger porn.

  16. HELL V.666 says:

    While the country is capitalist, everything will be a money factory, until defecate will be sold!!

    only silence is real!!

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      wenn hier die scheisse zu geld wird hast du auch verlorn
      dann wirst du ohne arsch geborn

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7TBRi9BJ9U

      If they declare shit money over here, you will have still lost: You’ll then be born without ass.

      – voices from the country Helmut Kohl sold because he liked his one better –

  17. Liturgy’s ARK WORK is actually a great album. It doesn’t sound much like their earlier stuff though. If you wanted an album to ridicule that fit the topic of the article better, you would pick the prior album, Aesthethica or whatever the fuck it’s called.

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