Death Metal General- Day of the Rake Edition

The thankfully short lived Canadian metal scene was another low in the attempt to blend death metal with tough-guy hardcore. Through a gross cocktail of taking a technical death metal template, squeezing all of the feeling and memorability from the riffs, breakdowns, and linear “riff salad” song structures with no repetition or thematic continuity, the Canadian metal scene gave us the foundation for the horrendous abomination that was deathcore- the ugliest perversion of death metal the genre had seen since Six Feet Under collaborated with Ice-T.  Ultimately, we remember Canadian metal as the musical version of a shit post- something so autistic and obnoxious that it made everyone around the world quickly realize that Canadian metal bands were something to be mocked and avoided.

Leaf Metal Returns?

>>In spite of this this, leaf-metal pioneers Despised Icon are writing new music.  These heroes of suburban working class ear-gauged neckbeards (who have since traded snakebite piercings for flannel jackets) will probably rehash their flavor-of-the-week abomination of a sound that peaked and ended by 2007.

>>Laugh at Canadian bands, ignore Canadian albums, do not attend concerts headlined by Canadian musicians.

 Morbid Angel Guitarist Blames ex Singer for his Terrible Music.

>>In an interview with Guitar World, basement dwelling Morbid Angel Guitarist Trey Azagthoth blamed former Vocalist/Bassist David Vincent for Illud Divinum Insanus being the biggest letdown of a death metal album in the genre’s history.

>>Trey apparently has forgotten that he wrote the album’s worst song, “Too Extreme,” a speedcore tribute in nerdy Quake III fashion only he could conceive.

>>In b4 Trey blames Steve Tucker for Kindoms Disdained for being a 0/10 useless pile of garbage.

Brain Damaged Satyricon to Make Covers Album:
>>Fresh out of a fight with a malignant brain tumor, Satyr and his sonic-the-hedgehog-wannabe sidekick Frost are back with a terrible new album out and a terrible new album of covers on the way.

>>Hopefully those royalty checks will look real nice for any band who has to suffer from the absolute worst vocalist in all of black metal moaning over their tracks.

>>Name one good Satryicon song besides “Mother North.”  ProTip:  you can’t

Ministry Vocalist Makes 2018 Predictions:
>>Following our lead, the embarrassing vocalist of Ministry has made a number of horribly impossible predictions for the new year.

>>Among them is that his horrible cyber goth look will finally look cool to people who aren’t overweight aging wiccans high on ecstasy.

>>Ministry’s career is effectively deader than dead.  Press S to shit on their grave.


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24 thoughts on “Death Metal General- Day of the Rake Edition”

  1. What is this shit? Voivod, Gorguts, Cryptopsy, Kataklysm, Martyr, Neuraxis(REMEMBER THEM, TRUE ANUSITES?), and sometimes Razor all have their classic output. I’m not really aware of Canadian metal beyond that. Rush is also ok occasionally.

    Is this your official resignation, Brock? Did that bitter retarded dad-bodded normie family values faggot Titus put you up to this? What a stupid fucking gossip magazine post you made here. You should be right ashamed, dumbass.

    1. Interracial Porn and Arghoslent says:

      Laugh at this butt-blasted cuntadian.

    2. taller more autistic looking man says:

      Apparently Blasphemy isn’t good anymore.

      1. Call me when the war metal tranny fad is over.

        1. NWN Panzerjizz Splatter Vinyl says:

          It won’t die anytime soon. There’s a growing movement of shemale videos set to Revenge, Conqueror and other war metal since late 2003. When there’s a war metal musician in town, you can guarantee he’s looking for a tranny to pound. War Tranny Rape Assault 666!!!!

  2. Trashchunk says:

    Canadian Slaughter faggots.

    1. Canadian Slaughter says:

      He fed upon semen, the government’s a demon!

  3. Jim Necroslaughter says:

    God bless the day of the rake. Btw, was there a best of of 2017? Last I heard GRAVELAND mopped up

  4. Darkthrone 1+3 & 4, Burzum 3, Demilich says:

    Obituary – Bullituary came before SFU rapped. World Demise was rap/death released before SFU.

    Trey’s Quake 3 shirt looks cooler than most band shirts tbh.

  5. Jared "I get to stick it in Ivanka Trump's pooper" Cuckner says:


    1. Frederick Dinkledick says:

      Suck me

      1. Jared "I get to stick it in Ivanka Trump's pooper" Cuckner says:

        Hank “Homofag” Amarillo may be willing to suck your small, uncut chode.

        1. Rainer Weikusat says:

          I’d be happy to suck you, or anyone for that matter. Cum in my mouth NOW°!!!
          I want the COCKS in my as NOW !!

          1. Rainer Weikusat says:

            You’d get more of these if people had a chance to find you.

  6. since when can underage /pol/ retards be authors for this shit site?
    jesus fucking christ

    1. S.C. says:

      When lowest common denominators, such as yourself, become its core readership.

      1. I like T H I C C RIFFS says:

        You’re part of that group too bbg :^)

  7. taller more autistic looking man says:

    I always liked “King of the Shadowthrone”.

  8. Mister Syre says:

    I used to read everything on this site. How the mighty have fallen. Where is Brett Stevens when we need him?

    1. LostInTheANUS says:

      Too busy getting pounded in the ass by Canadians

  9. neutronhammer says:

    Hey, but i like Mitochondrion, ok

  10. NWN Panzerjizz Splatter Vinyl says:

    Despised Icon is gay.

  11. HessianMurdererOfBlackDeath says:

    Cryptopsy though m8

  12. 4chanmeme says:

    good to see ANUS has gone for the 4chan memes

    is Prozac dead?

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