“Kim Kelly’s Hand” Facebook Page

Loyal Death Metal Underground readers have created a Facebook fan page (like it before that autist totalitarian Mark Cuckerberg zaps it) for serial liar, fake Vice Noisey journalist, ogre, and alleged groupie Kim Kelly‘s deformed E.T. / Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hand.

Such is Kelly’s deformity that in the Roman Empire, she would’ve been exposed to the elements at birth for not having total body integrity in imitation of the Romans’ creator who made the world for them to conquer. Kelly continually hides her deformed attribute (besides her mutilated face that would surely be cut off and shrunk for use as a carnival attraction in the 19th century the moment she opened her mouth) despite being a social justice warrior adhering to leftist liberation ideologies. Kelly routinely tucks her deformity into the folds of her stomach fat from the bodies of unfortunate travelers crossing over her bridge. At Death Metal Underground, we do not believe in empowerment through disability or perversion; we rightfully degrade and denigrate the monstrous and inferior. Children point and laugh at such beasts as they are inhuman and unnatural.

Leftism tries to indoctrinate into humans that all are created equal but clearly some are created more equal than others. Not everyone can profit from being a sideshow freak. Kelly refuses to empower other Total Recall mutants by working as a hand model or wearing a gun hand for fat guy Mega-Man cosplay. Instead Kim Kelly is whining that metal is sexist, chugging PBRs, and slowly transforming into the uglier Burning Man version of the Mancubus from Doom II: Hell On Earth:

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67 thoughts on ““Kim Kelly’s Hand” Facebook Page”

  1. Kvädare says:

    News about a facebook group being created.
    I´m done.

    1. Bye Voddy. Enjoy your sad life playing videogames in your parent’s house.

    2. Ïmpørtïñg Müslïms Tö Swëdën says:

      Facebook provides a nice repreive from all the, ahem, lofty intellectualism rampant here. This group is str8 dawg don’t, sleep, on em.

  2. GGALLIN1776 says:

    The quim only gets more grim (smelling).



    Notice the claw is hidden in both.

    1. Kim Kelly is the Mancubus from Doom II.

      1. GGALLIN1776 says:

        I wonder if that’s her preferred pronoun, mancubus/mancubi. Someone needs to tell her to stop appropriating doom & ragged claw culture.

        1. Rainer Weikusat says:

          I have to admit that I didn’t get the joke. But this (mainly) ‘US university [politics]’ craziness is a bit remote to most people.

      2. Rainer Weikusat says:

        Mancubi are not only cute and harmless (as opposed, to, say, archviles) but also very useful domestic animals: They can easily be tricked into causing monster-infighting because of the ‘expanding cone’ flight path of their fireballs, can take quite a punch and do a lot of damage to whatever they’re successfully attacking. Consequently, I have to protest this totally inappropriate comparsion strongly!

        “Only cyberdaemons are real”.

        1. GGALLIN1776 says:

          Guess I better get my kin type assumptions in check, so much to learn in this brave new world of 92 genders.

    2. roastcuck says:

      what did you make this in microsoft paint? your deffenitly one of those old men who uploads 10 of the same pixelated facebook photo.

      1. GGALLIN1776 says:

        Tricks on you, I don’t use facehook…seventysevenandstrokin.com is my site.

  3. Astronaut Bread says:

    Oh, Danny Boooy

    The pipes, the pipes are caaaalllliiing

  4. old DLA > nü-DMU says:

    Nothing important about metal these days, only the fashion show aspect. Quite sad actually.

  5. Nasty fat stupid bitch says:

    Now, remember Danny, if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.


  6. GGALLIN1776 says:

    The trust fund source, I mean her father has been found! This explains why both she/it & her mother have no nipples.

  7. Nuclear Whore says:

    How tasteless of you that reference to her hand. I am not pro SJW and I’m pro freedom of speech, but I’m pro being equilibrated, cool and a ***** gentleman. It was totally unnecessary.

    Really, if you are in need of using chan memes like “cuck”, let me tell you that you are doing it wrong. That chan influence is poisonous.

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      It’s decidedly lame. Moreover, it’s also counter-productive: The lady already employs a “They just hate me/ women/ $whatever!” strategy in order to fend of criticism of her questionable journalism and this is exactly the kind of reaction playing into that.

      OTOH, getting men to stop obsessing over women’s bodies just because it makes little sense is a hopeless quest …

    2. LostInTheANUS says:

      Kissu shite!

    3. GGALLIN1776 says:
  8. Nookleur Warz Now says:

    Where I can buy this cult Limited Swirl Vinyl Die Hard Edition with Two Crab Claws?

  9. gorewhore says:

    So much nerding.

  10. I said what what in the butt says:

    Go fuck yourself in the pussy, Danny bitch. This site is now a disgrace thanks to you.

  11. Mr. Hands says:

    I think this is one of his better writings.

  12. BornAgainKornFan says:

    What I don’t understand is how Brett has just let Daniel take this site straight down the toilet. You’d think he’d care enough to at least not have this turd of a product associated with the dark legions archive. It’s embarrassing.

    1. What about Metallica using an avocado as anal lube?

    2. Baller of Storms says:

      It’s definitely turned into Trilby Neckbeard Underground more and more.

    3. old DLA > nü-DMU says:

      Right. This guy should just have his own blog. It would be best to have the archive as the first page people see, because this shit’s stupid. SMR’s gone down the tubes and I’m still wondering why Grand Belial’s Key was just promoted…

      1. canadaspaceman says:

        I don’t care about GBK, but they are better than the crappy acts the other (so-called) metal websites promote.

  13. canadaspaceman says:

    That was one of the funniest pieces I ever read on this site! The reference to the monster in DOOM made me laugh out loud, and was the pièce de résistance.
    I don’t understand why anyone is pissed off, as there were many humorous reviews and articles on here before.
    I ESPECIALLY don’t understand anybody wanting to be a white knight for her. She is poison and a cancer on the metal scene, same as all the scum at Metal Sucks, Invisible Oranges, etc.

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      She is poison and a cancer on the metal scene

      This might be overstating her real-world influence a little. And then, »metal scene«? What metal scene? The “bored-with-self, funnily costumed, stranded whales staring at the musicians in amazement, never move a muscle as that’s too tiresome”, types (and their “Gotta photograph that!” devices) can be a real nuisance at concerts but the only ‘scene’ they’re associated with is the “accidentally not on a barbecue” ‘scene’.

      Either way, she’s your (your ::= an American) cancer. And that’s she’s spreading happily suggests that whatever immune reaction got triggered by that didn’t work. Or she’s a demon devouring your soul.

      1. Rainer Weikusat says:

        As there’s probably again going to be some bozo who interprets this as the exact opposite of what it says because of his ‘deep, psychological knowledge’: A good way to handle Fraeulein Kelly is to ignore her completely. I never visit MortarDorks or any of the related sites as these don’t deal with music I’m interested in, anyway. As method of “not-ignoring her”, these schoolboy jokes aren’t particularly effective at accomplishing anything but make one’s inner third-grader chuckle (at best). Thrashing her writings – should be easy enough – would work better.

      2. canadaspaceman says:

        Rainer Weikusat says:
        “This might be overstating her real-world influence a little. And then, »metal scene«? What metal scene?”

        I do not know how old you are, but “metal” websites have seemed to replace magazines and fanzines.
        These days, most websites are against what metal was in the 1970s-1980s.
        Back then, there were very few publications that were as politically charged towards the left wing, and hatred against its major consumers – white people.
        Writers like Kim Kelly are to blame.

        1. Rainer Weikusat says:

          90/2 or 0x2d, at least some time this year.

          The “what metal-scene” was supposed to refer to Kelly’s likely audience, people frequenting metalinjectionsucks and associated sites. I think I met a large herd (not horde) of these at gig in March (Sepravation, Cruciamentum, Blood Incantation). I assume they mostly came for the headliner (Looked like a bunch of hippies and played extensive prog noodling with cosmetic additions of something resembling randomly arranged death metal splinters — I left after less than 10 minutes of that). If that was (a part of) a metal-scene, it was indistinguishable (save for the occasional T-shirt) from a mainstream indie-rock audience. I don’t generally care what these people think about anything, especially as they usually don’t think anything, they’re just replaying ideas the picked up elsewhere and project them onto whoever crosses their paths.

          Whenever I buy a new album (usually 2 – 3 times per month), I go looking for some opinions on that on the internet after I found something which seems ok to me. For some reason, metalinjectionsucks and other Kelly-outlets never appear in such situations (I read a Kataklysm review on MetalSuck in 2015 and came to the conclusion that the person who wrote it seemed strange and that I probably won’t like this). I also see a lot of stuff being marketed all of these people would seriously disapprove of.

          A wise man once said “the opinions of worthless people are worthless”.

    2. GGALLIN1776 says:

      The white knighting is sad, are there really people that hard up that they’re hoping to score a piece of grim quim’s fester?

      “Maybe she’ll give me a claw job!”.

  14. Fuck slice says:

    She sucks… but let’s see deathmetal.org’s writer/s pony up and show themselves. That is, if they have time in their busy schedules (HA!).

    1. canadaspaceman says:

      Why would you think any decent writer would want their photo posted online ?
      so, morons can bother them at concerts, or on the street and waste their time?

      1. Fuck slice says:

        There are no decent writers (or functioning people) involved, for one thing. The writers I’m referring to have plenty of time to spare and the extra socialisation could help get them on the path towards making eye contact with others.

    2. Disgusting Birth Disfigurment says:

      I`d show my disfigured hand-stumps, but I have no fingers to take a picture.

  15. Hipster Black Metal says:

    These cucks obviously never saw news on the old site – monkey eating a fawn alive, turtle killing rats in aquarium… You can find metal news on metalsucks you ingrates.

    1. We love nihilism here.

    2. gorewhore says:

      so true.

      1. roastcuck says:

        you sound like a bunch of complete faggots in real life.

        1. gorewhore says:

          you seem cool.

        2. GGALLIN1776 says:

          How many times have you been raped? Quite a few I’m guessing.

  16. ron blackwell says:

    this is gross and you should be ashamed.

  17. I post here irregularly, but always forget my name. says:

    Is Abigor good?

    1. Short answer: Not really.

      Some songs, yes, but they are incomplete in the Kreator style.

      Some riffs are quite compelling, and for this reason, all of us keep the albums around, but listening to them is like hearing static out of which a few moments of sensible music arise every thirty seconds.

      With a strong editor, this band could have been amazing.

      1. ashnazg says:

        are you some kind of retarded person? abigor sounds nothing like kreator. no wonder all of your reviews are so fucking outdated you fat retard.

        1. Syphilis says:

          Its not nice to mock the elderly.

          1. But it is justice to put Boomers and “the Greatest Generation” into the ground.

            1. Syphilis says:

              #notallboomers, etc.

              If I didn’t know any better, I would just say that hating boomers is just another manifestation of rebellion against ones parents. The present is just a culmination of the failures of the past after all.

        2. BlackPhillip says:

          Bless your heart, child, with all God’s grace.

        3. In case you aren’t merely pretending to be a complete fucking idiot, he isn’t talking about how it sounds outwardly(types of individual riffs, guitar sounds, vocals, production values etc.), but how the music is arranged and how riffs interact.

          1. Ashnazg says:

            You sound like an art fag

            1. The greatest music is also high art. Your name makes me think you’re an Ashkenazi kike. McKillYourself.jpg

  18. Baller of the Stormz says:

    Life is suffering, get used to it

  19. Anndra says:

    stoner teenage virgin humour

  20. innocent bystander says:

    I have no sympathy for Kim Kelly or her hand, but I thought this site was above schoolyard bully tactics. In fact, this kind of ad hominem is what you would expect from a person like Kim Kelly herself, since she has nothing real to say about any topic.

    Give us more David Rosales pls and get rid of this Maarat guy before you lose all your readers.

    1. Grand Phallus says:

      Sodomize the squeamish!

      1. Night Booger says:

        Maarat is fine, fuck off.

    2. GGALLIN1776 says:

      Heer Maarat ist Krieg!

  21. pigpile says:

    always rad when metalheads prove my conservative relatives’ steretypes about them are true:
    mouth-breathing, sub-literate troglodytes with the mental capacity of a 10 yr old.
    keep fighting the good fight, you goddamned morons.

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:


      NB: This is not an attempt to ‘agree’ with this alt-bright person, just a video which came to my mind upon reading the description (of an album I’ve spent 3 enjoyable days with so far).

      “To whom it may annoy” (presumably everyone and something): Try Nekrodelirium, Grief for perspective (not recommended).

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