Sadistic Metal Reviews 1-22-2017

Everything you love is eventually butchered, emulsified, digested, and squeezed out by lesser life forms ranging from head hunters to bacterium to mediocre metal bands. Here are some Sadistic Metal Reviews for our readers’ pleasure:

Pissgrave – Suicide Euphoria (2015)
That’s some tasty curried long pig on that cover. Pissgrave worship Morbid Angel‘s Heretic for some god-forsaken reason that nobody but Pissgrave understands. Their riffs aren’t terrible but frequently the riffs are seemingly dropped from haphazard compositions only for another to be introduced and have all possible use rung out of it so the vocals can be barked before the song ends. Despite wanting to be being extremely aggressive and energetic, Pissgrave are at times strangely lulling; most of their compositions do not go anywhere special or conclude well after riding the riffs out, often shifting to speed metal cliches. Pissgrave show far more potential than loser bands like Garroted who musically blow their noise, eat the boogers, and swirl the snot around in their mouths to savor the flavor before swallowing the loads of mucus. Suicide Euphoria is by far the best attempt in today’s batch yet the album still makes our staff want to turn it off and listen to Immortal‘s Blizzard Beasts for a better continuation of the movement Morbid Angel started. Pissgrave should study the majestic grandeur of that work and Morbid Angel’s own last advance: Blessed are the Sick if they want to climb the Mountains of Might.

Bestial Raids – Master Satan’s Witchery (2016)
Bestial Raids play a blend of DemoncyJoined in Darkness, Morbid Angel, and war metal. Unfortunately Bestial Raids’ mash up, while not thought of before by anyone not under the influence of dramatically dangerous amounts of alcohol, goes nowhere special with their songwriting on Master Satan’s Witchery. All Bestial Raids provoke is the overwhelming desire to listen to their influences. Perhaps they could be an effective local opener for a major touring band but Master Satan’s Witchery would never have been widely released back in the early nineties.

Kreator – Gods Of Violence (2017)

Kreator went from playing hyper-aggressive but random speed metal to melodeaf. Gods of Violence sounds like rejected tracks cut from an Amon Amarth album that were tossed in the Mac recycle bin at the studio as Amon Amarth decided that they sounded like empowerment music for chubby 14 year old girls mad at their moms for not taking them to see Slipnot instead of rehashed Iron Maiden for drunk 22 year old virgins who watch anime and think Unleashed and Enslaved are too heavy and headbangable for Monster-fueled Hearthstone sessions.

Ytivarg – Wardenclyffe (2017)
Metalcore pretending to be “grindcore” that alternates between two different riffs per song. Riffing isn’t particularly clever and is almost entirely stolen from past metal bands. This is way too happy to be grind. Not bittersweet victory like Gridlink, but Barney & Friends singalong music. How are Ytivarg going to even keep the ‘core in melodic New York hardcore riffs if Ytivarg’sw music sounds like something nu Napalm Death would pull out of their asses for a communist propaganda multicultural cartoon like Dora the Explorer?

Dumal – The Lesser God (2017)
Dumal sound like what Gorgoroth or Tarnkappe would be like if their riffs were generic and inadvertently progressed like Gothenburg ones, they wrote songs that never went anywhere like Sargeist, and they composed music intended for Amish barn dances instead of killing Christians in the name of Satan. “Compositions” on The Lesser God never properly conclude; they feel like a live show where Dumal finally looks at the crowd, senses the audience is tired of their droning, stops, chugs the backwash of their beer, and switches to the next song. Dumal show some potential though and I recommend they stop listening to hipster black ‘n’ roll and listen to Blizzard Beasts until they desire to praise Odin, ride a ship, follow the All-father’s ravens across the sea, and shishkebab some foreigners with a pointy metal object to take their women and treasure.

Ash Borer – The Irrepassable Gate (2016)
Post-hardcore tremolo noodling pretending to be black metal despite the songs not really even being riff-based or have any sort of long form melodic narrative. Ash Borer merely try to be eerie and atmospheric so they can set the mood at bars while social beer metallers grab a drink on Halloween or take a dump before moshing to pizza thrash.

Yugal – Chaos & Harmony (2017)
Gypsy metalcore with riffs that are meant for idiots in bracelets to twerk too.

Code – Lost Signal (2016)
The Cure are not black metal. Slit your wrists metalcore idiots.

The Drip – Painted Ram (2017)
Vocal driven deathcore trying to be tough despite being a bunch of skinny hairstylists who shop exclusively at H&M and Hot Topic.

Thrown Into Exile – Safe Inside (2016)
What made you think it was safe inside Thrown Into Exile? Are you afraid of bathing? Your metalcore sucks. Please make sure to slit your wrists inside the shower for easier clean up.

Four Star Revival – The Underdog (2017)
Generic awful bar rock of the type that would be playing in the background of a scene in a bad 90s movie when the protagonists decide to joyride in the back of their dad’s minivan. Truly fucking awful.

The Vomiting Dinosaurs – Exoplanets (2016)
“Comedy” scenester grind band with Steve Tucker style vocals. Riffs rip off Terrorizer, Morbid Angel, and Unleashed, among others.

Voodoo Terror Tribe – The Sun Shining Cold (2016)
2003 alt-rock for idiots with bleached blonde hair who look like Jeff Spicoli if he stopped smoking weed and posted open personal ads asking to be pegged on FetLife.

Taine – The World Does Not Change (2016)

Dream Theater if they were convicted child rapists.

Infinite Earths – Into the Void (2016)
Vocal driven deathcore that tries to be technical but fails miserably. Imagine Necrophagist but even more annoying and random with cleanly sung choruses.

Haan – Sing Praises (2016)
Vocal driven sludge for wannabe Mister Hands getting their shit pushed in by animal cock.

Twingiant / Into the Storm – Split (2017)
Sludge split for bag people who drink gasoline from discarded water bottles they find in the trash.

Fides Inversa – Rite Of Inverse Incarnation (2017)
Vocal driven candy pop rock with operatic vocals pretending to be “blackened death metal” but is really Enthroned Darkness Triumphant and onwards Dimmu Borgir bullshit.

Apologeth – “Priestly Tuition” (2016)
Deathcore failures. Apologeth deserve to get melanoma.

L’Homme Absurde – Monsters (2016)
More screamo pretending to be black metal just like other bullshit bands like Deafheaven and Vattnet Viskar.

F.O.A.D – Birth Of Extinction (2016)
Metalcore claiming to be speed metal. Hipster rock for those who lick their fingers clean after taking a dump to taste the indigestible fiber after passing it through their bowels.

Dark Sarah – The Puzzle (2016)
Female fronted metalcore that fat guys with no chin will masturbate to.

Atila – Body (2017)
Spacey EDM pretending to be black metal as whoever made decided to trepan himself with a power drill after slicing his genitals off with a band saw.

Fight The Fight – Fight The Fight (2016)

Pantera for “queers” protesting Trump’s electoral victory who fuck overweight humanoids resembling Meg from Family Guy including the knitted beanie.

Exophage – Cosmic Key (2017)
Exophage are not the Cosmic Keys to My Creations & Times; Exophage are a shitty melodeaf band playing cut ‘n’ paste on a computer with Dave Mustaine riffs.

Witchery – In His Infernal Majesty’s Service (2016)

Cradle of Filth worshipers from Century Media as to be expected. Do wannabe Dani Filths insert buttplugs prior to meetings to make taking it from major label record executives easier? I don’t want to find out.

Enemy Of Reality – Arakhne (2016)
Symphonic power metal made by a band who tore their lingual frenulums from tossing salads of middle aged sweaty fat guys wearing gold chains trying to fuck lot lizards in the black rooms at swingers clubs. Enemy of Reality grew their nails long to pretend to be women, snuck up in the dark, spread those ass cheeks, and tongue raped dozens of assholes encrusted with dried hamburger feces twice a week for years to make Arakhne.

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54 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews 1-22-2017”

  1. Krag says:

    You should do an SMR on Cancer’s discography.

    1. Anthony says:

      Can’t imagine it’d be all that interesting. Just “THIS IS BORING” three times. The only notable thing they ever did was get James Murphy to play some solos for them.

    2. Morbideathscream says:

      First 2 Cancer albums are better than anything off the best of 2016 list. B list albums yeah, but still solid.

      1. Cancer are a retarded death ‘n’ roll band who failed at writing rock songs about fucking their sister.

  2. simplydead says:

    The last headline pics for the SMR are pure genius !
    I was planning on seeing Kreator live (they’re touring for the new album), are they worth it ?

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      Do you enjoy being part of a large mob of people having a public brawl they incorrectly refer to as ‘moshing'[*]? If so, you should have fun with that.

      [*] I was on a Kreator gig once. The moment the music started playing, the guy next to me punched me in the face. As I didn’t drop to the ground and actually didn’t pay any attention to that but just smiled at him, he tried this again with the same non-results. Afterwards, he chose to dedicate his surplus energies to some more rewarding task.

      1. Jerry Hauppa says:

        I honestly can’t think of a more rewarding task at the moment.

        1. Ara sucks says:

          How about writing an actual riff (indie-slam/math doesn’t count).

          1. Jerry Hauppa says:

            How about you blow me, anonymous shitpile?

        2. Rainer Weikusat says:

          The thing is, you’ll hurt your fists in exchange for accomplishing nothing, not even attention being paid to your most important personality.

          1. LostInTheANUS says:

            “you’ll hurt your fists”
            What you think you’re made out of diamonds or something? One left hook from me would make you reconsider.

            1. Rainer Weikusat says:

              Reconsidering the idea/ recommendation to treat this as non-event is always possible.

      2. simplydead says:

        yeah I used to like doing mosh-pits until a moron hit my forehead with his skull while I was trying to help him get up. but you can enjoy concerts by staying away from moshing too. also moshing for black metal smehow never works (i’m thinking of Dead’s words here) thanks for the input, cheers

        1. Rainer Weikusat says:

          also moshing for black metal smehow never works (i’m thinking of Dead’s words here)

          Hmm … I’ve been to (sort of) a black metal concert for the first time this weekend and there was little opportunity for ‘moshing’ (or any other kind of activity requiring a certain amount of space) as this was in a fairly small room (Black Heart, London) which was packed with a lot of people I’d rather describe as »party/ event tourists« than what one would usually expect on a metal gig. In particular, there were lots of completely ‘ordinary’ party types engaging in their usual activities, smartphone-recording everything in sight and being pompously in the way. Loads of LG-people, too.

          The first act was something named Dead Creed from Greece. This was composed of a single person wearing a black sack over his head and playing acoustic guitar while burning incense. I understand the sack — I wouldn’t want to be publically associated with this, either.

          Second was Trivax (UK). These were four somewhat corpse-painted guys putting up a pretty weak performance, more heavy-metal with blast beats than black metal. Combined with the metal-hostile audience, this mostly caused it to fall through. The Funeral Throne singer took the stage at some point, for an attempt to get something going. A notable improvement but the guitar-playing still failed to ignite anything. Nevertheless, it was good enough to justify some efforts of solidarity in the front row.

          Then came Deitus, a London-based black metal band. I’d be very much surprised if DMU has anything but scorn for them (at best) but I actually quite like them despite they’re certainly not »demented cultists«. The music they play is based on drawn, dissonant power chords, heavy-metal riffs and blast-beat and tremolo-picked melody sections, sometimes conveying a feeling of cold desolation. Nothing complicated or earth-shattering and a far cry from the misantrophic insanity of Human Serpent but a well-played performance I didn’t see much of because there was little reason to open my eyes. They had a row of burning candles in front of them and at some point in time, one of the short-haired leather jacket guys staring in awe at the bands apparently couldn’t restrain himself any longer and crashed into some other people from behind. This ended with him being thrown into one of the candelabras (and quite rightly so).

          Last (for me on this evening) was Funeral Throne. I’d describe this as black/death metal mixed with a good dose of heavy metal, including stage antics. Like last time I saw them (opening for Dead Congegration), interesting, well-performed music which caused considerable resonance in the ‘thin black line’ of people in the first row who actually cared for that.

          1. Varg Overreacts to Big Cat Cock says:

            Why did you just write a show review (of a bunch of no-name bands, to wit)?

            1. Jerry Hauppa says:

              Because he did that thing he does where he just talks about whatever he is thinking about regardless of context, whoever the intended audience is, or if there is an audience at all. Also, if you scroll up, he answered the question “how is current Kreator live” with a completely unrelated (and probably untrue) anecdote that had nothing to do with Kreator but instead a bizarre incident at a Kreator show, which had the same conversational relevance as answering with “oh the Kreator show? Well if you want to know how they were live, I wore mismatched socks to the show.” Even better, his original response was designed to showcase some kind of bravado (as his posts are wont to do) and instead made him look like a total wimp.

              I’ve crossed the threshold of annoyance with Rainer’s posts to awe at this point- his responses are a brazen punch in the face of conversational logic. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it.

              1. Rainer Weikusat says:

                Also, if you scroll up, he answered the question “how is current Kreator live” with a completely unrelated (and probably untrue) anecdote that had nothing to do with Kreator

                As I wrote in a different context: People tend to find exaggerated versions of their own personality deficits in others. This means your assumption that I must be lying communicates something about you but not about me.

                I wouldn’t go to another Kreator gig because I don’t want to spend money on colliding with the kind of audiences this likely attracts. That’s arguably based on a single experience, the 2009 gig in Wiesbaden, but that’s sufficient for me: I can imagine more entertaining things than getting knocked about by a bunch of frustrated people between 35 – 40, with Mille Petrozza towering safely above all of this and trying to further it as good as he can. That’s something which could be regarded as inherent in this kind of music I didn’t think of so far. It is after all about stuff like ‘frustration’ and ‘aggression’.

                1. Jerry Hauppa says:

                  Being wary of potential bullshit is actually an effort to avoid juvenile naïveté rather than to enact self-projection. But thanks for the psychoanalysis.

                  1. Rainer Weikusat says:

                    As far as I know, »bullshit« is a terminus technicus for “people telling porkies in order to sell something”. But I’m not trying to sell anything and the “he really is”[*] re-interpretation of my statement you came up with was one you yourself discarded as not credible.

                    [*] Some more anecdotes: The traditional rule-of-thumb I’ve been using is “Do people keep their fists down?”, IOW, do they dare to become part of something they can’t entirely control and where they have to be quick-feeted and aware of their balance to avoid getting hurt and trust on other to pull them up again if this fails (as it invariabley will). Or do they they jump onto someone who presently isn’t watching on the grounds that “I’m the rrrrrrrrabidest dog of the rabid dogs and I shall conquer!”? I’ve since participiated in one new-style pit (not counting Kreator) but went back to head-banging in the front row(s) fairly quickly.

                    1. AllahuAckbar says:

                      Life of the party right here, folks!

                    2. Jerry Hauppa says:

                      Can I buy some drugs from you?

                    3. Rainer Weikusat says:

                      I had the kale myself yesterday evening as it was getting kinda old (with a pork chop marinated in white wine) but there’s still leeks, broccoli, runner beans, chinese leaf, peppers, pak choi and some pointed spring cabbage left. OTOH, I don’t really sell this stuff. But the smelly alley greengrocer has a good selection.

                2. Rainer Weikusat says:

                  getting knocked about by a bunch of frustrated people between 35 – 40

                  As someone’s certainly going to misinterpret this again: This doesn’t refer to the relatively insignificant event at the start but to the remainder of the evening of which I only remember a lot of movement in the dark and a lot more punches and kicks hitting home. I “valiantly” stood my ground there (little else I could do) but I don’t care to repeat this particular experience.

            2. Rainer Weikusat says:

              I’m missing the live reviews this site used to have in earlier times. Hence, I’ve been writing some within the limits of my abilities and the time I can put into this.

              1. Necronomeconomist says:

                You should limit your reviews to bands which the rest of us might possibly see ever.

        2. Morbideathscream says:

          Really? No wonder why antifa shitheads think that metalheads are a joke. Are you too grim and kvlt to stick up for yourself? Gimme a fucking break. I do agree that black metal is not the best music for moshing it’s more appropriate for death metal, speed metal or hardcore punk. Seriously though, grow some fucking balls.

      3. Way to turn the other cheek you Christlike fartknocker. I would at least shoved the fucker or something.

        Seriously what do you “civilized” faggots have against head banging and moshing? I see it as a grand tradition and an opportunity to do as I wilt against any megafaggot that appears to need a roughing up.

        1. ODB says:

          It’s something I’ve never understood either. Fine if you like to stay at the back; fine if you even hate the ninjas who show up for the express purpose of moshing. But for some of us, moving around, headbanging, etc. is a spontaneous explosion of energy. There’s nothing pre-calculated about it; a phrase hits and your body reacts. It happens inside my room and it happens at gigs as well, there’s no pretense to it. There’s a danger that you get so caught up in intellectual navel-gazing that you forget the very real visceral element behind this music. And even that is fine, if that’s all you want out of metal (though I fail to understand why), but then you have to be prepared for inadvertent accidents at live shows, also. Why not enjoy the subtleties of composition from the comforts of your home if you’re going to be such a pussy about it?

        2. Sodominator says:

          Come to the pit and we’ll see who the real man is! A fierce display of masculinity, domination and sodomy.

        3. Rainer Weikusat says:

          Way to turn the other cheek you Christlike fartknocker. I would at least shoved the fucker or something.

          Seriously what do you “civilized” faggots have against head banging and moshing?

          There’s a slight misunderstanding here: “Headbanging and moshing” is something rather different than “randomly punching people close to you”. In the golden days before the advent of trimmed hair boy friends wanting to ‘relase aggression’ on their day off from the girl-friends dictating their haircuts, it used to be about enjoying oneself. The last time I’ve encountered that was on a Napalm Death gig in 2011: The overgrown idiots desiring to shake their fists through the air moved away from this pit very quickly.

          Besides, there’s little better you can do with people acting in the way I described but ignoring them (at least if the eventually stop): Starting a fight (as opposed to ‘headbanging and moshing’) is unfunny.

        4. Morbideathscream says:

          I’m no stranger to the mosh pit. I’m not gonna claim to be the mosh pit god, but have held my own in some massive circle pits. I may not win every fight, there’s always someone better than you, but I sure don’t turn the other cheek. That’s cowardly Christian shit.

          1. Rainer Weikusat says:

            If you’re male, alone and incapable of telling stories convincingly (see above), the usual result of ‘winning’ a confrontation with someone who obviously wanted to provoke one is “get thrown out of the venue and barred from ever entering it again”.

    2. Morbideathscream says:

      Kreator still play their old shot well live. See them if you can.

  3. Nathan Metric says:

    Bestial Raids….man what an infuriating band. Not a single properly recorded album. This is their most bewildering guitar tone yet.

  4. Count Ringworm says:

    Is that Eddie on the Kreator album?

  5. Necronomeconomist says:

    Haha, what the fuck is beer metal and pizza thrash?!

    1. Sign's floatin away, chief says:

      Swedeath clones and Municipal Waste.

    2. GGALLIN1776 says:

      Hummuscore

  6. Inactionable Severance Package from the drummer to "Fulgonimy" says:

    My review of this SMR:
    The first 6 reviews (long-form) conveyed useful, sensical information.

    The bulk of the rest tells near-nothing about the music. e.g. “Hipster rock for those who lick their fingers clean after taking a dump to taste the indigestible fiber after passing it through their bowels.”

    So the authors clearly deserve sodomic death. Right my niggas?

    1. The shorter Sadistic Metal Reviews are unworthy of our staffs’ time to ponder over. We just state what it is and speculate on various psychological or physical reasons for their failure. Those are inspired by the one line, negative reviews in old punk and metal zines. Ones you may be familiar with are Metallion’s “Fuck forever off.” and “Fuck off and die.” Death Metal Underground at least tries to state what the release actually is and what we can ascertain the artist is attempting it to be such as “The Cure worship pretending to be black metal.”

  7. Anthony says:

    Is there anything more boring than the newer albums from the old German speed metal masters? I wish that new Kreator sounded like Amon Amarth b-sides, because as garbage as that sounds, it’d be better than what it actually is. I cannot handle that whole “yell the title for the chorus 27 times” thing they all do. Fucking Destruction been doing that since “Nailed to the Cross,” and that’s supposed to be the GOOD new Destruction album. Holy fuck!

  8. Old_and_into_Sarcofago says:

    Just taking a compulsory look back at the first sadistic metal reviews, one can see that several releases,although not the author’s cup of tea, receive thoughtful and intelligent dissection of their work…. Now,fast forward to today and this is just complete and utter garbage, vomited put by embittered,try-hard edgelords.

    1. GGALLIN1776 says:

      Edgelords? Are you 15?

      1. You probably come from Tumblr.

      2. Necronomeconomist says:

        What are “edgelords”?!

  9. Old_and_into_Sarcofago says:

    Just as I thought,instead of actually looking at the statement made,you deflect by making nonsensical,baseless,asinine claims.. You faggots are even worse than the nwnforum clowns,and fuck off Daniel, your posts seethe with so much self aggrandizing dogshit it makes me want to fucking vomit. Fact of the matter is, the early smr,when written by Prozak at that time are a far better read than the sub moronic tantrums that take place now.

    1. Go suck a cock in an alley poserscum. Your moronic comments under multiple handles and lack of critical listening ability are fooling no one.

  10. Old_and_into_Sarcofago says:

    Why am I a “poser”..because I do not agree with your hive mind complex? Critical listening ability? You are now familiar with my listening habits,moreso my ability to appreciate and dissect the artistic value found within? You have zero source to back any of those claims up…More useless, triggered vitriol from king faggot himself…Im sure your fag fanclub will chime in with more ad homonim attacks.

    1. Making the World safe for Mumble Rap says:

      “ad homonim”

      lol

  11. Crabs in a Bucket says:

    Also, I’m not trying to “fool” anyone.. There is no need for me to have a regular handle, because I don’t give a shit about being a part of your pseudo intellectual,circle jerk community..it just mildly amuses me to pester a fake,autistic man child such as yourself.

    1. Inactionable Severance Package from the drummer to "Fulgonimy" says:

      Here are some possible handles you can use:

      Sordid Meth Dream
      Mormon Death Screed
      Intentional Ballerizm
      Monarch 2 the Kingdom of the Dead

      and anything beginning with ‘Rectal’.
      e.g.
      Rectal Pointillism
      Rectal Official
      Rectal Aggrandizement
      Rectal Exceptionalizm
      Rectal Paradox
      Rectal Occult

  12. Morbideathscream says:

    Last good Kreator album was Coma of Souls.

    The first Bestial Raids album, Reversed Black Trinity, was a solid release. Not as good as Blasphemy or Beherit, but far superior to Conqueror. I’m sure they’ve probably regressed since then. I’m probably not gonna spend anytime trying to track down their new album.

    1. Coma of Souls sucks. Axis of Advance > Conqueror.

Comments are closed.


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