Sadistic Metal Reviews: Crypto Radio Rock

gojira fan fashion

Hepatitis C or HIV?

GojiraMagma (2016)
Populist whale alt rock comprised of mere textural hooks. Overproduced wallpaper. This ruse had to be written by an ad company. Scenester whores. Less “deep” than Tool. Pop music for suburban housewives with bellies full of marijuana brownies.

spellcaster night hides the world
Spellcaster – Night Hides the World (2016)
Christian radio rock chlamydia pretending to be a late Seventies NWOBHM bar rock band. Incredibly disingenuous behavior similar to Diamond Head‘s recent self-titled grunge catastrophe only this sounds like an Autotuned P.O.D. more than the Stone Temple Pilots.

barus barus
Barús – Barús (2015)
Blackdeath core ‘n’ roll. Half Pantera, half Swansong.

beansidhe mont
Beansidhe – Mónt (2016)
Lame Sorcier des Glaces worship that conjures images of Sodom as medieval peasants ploughing fields rather than freezing to death alone in the woods. More Harvest Moon final boss soundtrack than actual black metal. If Mayhem were Godzilla, Beansidhe are 3-inch long irradiated turnips.

Nothing Left – Nothing Left (2016)
Riffs so block headed and bereft of enjoyability at a basic level that even Mortician would reject them. The song titles are equally Moronic: “Crush”, “Pulverize”, “Smash”, “Tank Crush Skull”, “Ogg Hungry”, “Ogg Want Eating”, “Ogg Need PeePee”.

to dust , bent sea
Bent Sea / To Dust – Bent Sea / To Dust (2016)
Random deathcore bouncy chug scenester yoga split. History proves zombie-like worship of communist death cults has never led to anything but mass deprivation and starvation, ultimately grinding societies down to amorality, looting, and future conspicuous consumption in oligarchic syndicates.

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22 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Crypto Radio Rock”

  1. METAL CHURCH released their latest album a few months ago !. Who the fuck cares about these faggot bands?
    Ungod and Dark Funeral should be reviewed hero too.

    1. BlackPhillip says:

      Jesus christ i wish you would fucking die.

      1. Brunhilde Yay Fan ·1 says:

        Phillip, honey, shut the fuck up and open your ass.

    2. Weltmacht says:

      The new Metal Church album was not enjoyable. It was boring and the songs weren’t really distinct in any meaningful sense. I cannot think of a reason I’d want to listen to it again.

      I gave you my personal review of the new Dark Funeral a while back (and it was just me copy/pasting an old DLA review of a Dark Funeral EP). “Diabolis Interium” was the last thing I heard from them and I don’t really have any reason to think anything after that is any different.

      I’m still waiting to hear the new Ungod, since the stuff I’ve heard from them previously is ok.

    3. canadaspaceman says:

      Ungod and Dark Funeral WERE ok when I heard them in the 1990s. Never followed them as I like thrash metal and hard rock more, I guess. Thank that bastard Skar for introducing them to me.

  2. LostInTheANUS says:

    “Harvest Moon final boss”

  3. thomasw_ says:

    Love that irony in “Nothing Left” … those song titles; thanks for the laugh.

    1. Kermit the Fucking Fuckface Frog says:

      I did a search for “Nothing Left” on metal archives and found this:

      The guy from Rotting Christ seems so out of place in this band.

      1. LostInTheANUS says:

        Nothing Left doesn’t exist.

  4. Steve says:

    Nothing Left was an underground band which had Mike Beams ( former Exhumed member singing ) plus former Pale Existence members .
    The album is brutal .
    The author of this article is a nit wit with an axe to grind against me personally .
    I challenge him to a boxing match . Am sick of his antics.

  5. Steve says:

    This site has become worthless. Anyone who still reads it is a moron.

  6. Steve says:

    Mortician is a great band. The fact that you lumped NL in with them in a negative way is an honor to us and shows what a bunch of gay losers you are.

  7. Steve says:

    Ironically – the whole reason I re-eleased NL on bandcamp was that I got very tired of how every nit-wit can give his opinion on Youtube etc. and it was very popular on Youtube by the way . But frankly as an artist I know when I have created something good . And your opinions are unnecessary to me as an artist . and I think of you listeners as sheeples for needing sites like yours to tell them what to think about a given album . Frankly- the underground would be better off without social media. without critics. and without sites like this.

  8. Steve says:

    The current mentality of the metal underground is something I am ashamed to be associated with . Those who are smart should rather play just about any other genre but metal given the current state of its music and critics. Even most of the famous acts you guys cuck for have members working at gas stations etc and have to pay for their own tours etc, The labels you worship like Relapse are run by one guy basically . The whole thing is an illusion . When there is a big concert most of the money is going to the big beer companies – not the musicians or labels.

    and no one is making any money or getting many hot chicks . and theres not much good music coming out in this genre, except for the stuff you guys rip on . So you tell me – whats the whole point of underground metal again? you guys mostly cuck for the famous bands and diss the underground ones . Its a fairly transparent formula you use . Its for retards frankly.

  9. Steve says:

    A lot of us experienced underground metal musicians could write much better articles than you so called experts. Sure – the site would probably be not as “popular” because banal negativity of anything not trending would not be our thing . But in terms of actually doing what the site purports itself to do – bringing underground bands to public’s attention – the average 10-15 year vet of actual underground bands would write better articles than you guys .
    Articles should appeal to reason and to artistic intent instead of offhanded sophistry and overly- critical sense of self- entitlement of your pathetic younger generation . Where you never put any art that you created yourself for criticism, but instead free-ride off the backs of hard working musicians while you sit back and sip on your latte mocha frapuchino or however you spell it.

  10. Steve says:

    According to my bandcamp site stats the critic only listened to part of 2 songs by the way before issuing his hit piece. He missed that there are also black metal riffs mixed in for instance , and he missed the fact that the album is percussive and that the simple song names reflect things such as the drum fills. For instance the song Bludgeoned begins with smashing tom hit fills as if bludgeoning something . Or that Tank Crush Skull that song is meant to replicate the sound of a tank but through using the whole band to create that . Critic is a moron.

    1. Dis Member says:

      Steve get busy sucking your son’s cock already and then kill yourself.

    2. C.M. says:

      Wait, is this the best troll of all time?

    3. fenrir says:

      Please don´t go, Steve!
      You are teaching us SO MUCH.

  11. Hank says:

    These are the worst reviews I have ever scene….why do they even bother posting this?

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