Sadistic Metal Reviews: 6-19-2016


More mass murder of the unworthy.

Al-Namrood & Darkestrah – Tajer Al Punqia Akyr Zaman (2016)
This is Disneyfied ethnic wannabe “blackened” Jawa core. This split has the logic and musical proficiency of an inbred Saudi royal spreading Salafist Islam, id est none. Kill ‘Em All.

black fuck cancer
Black Fucking Cancer – A Sigil of Burning Flesh (2016)
I hope Black Fucking Cancer get anal cancer from having a train run on their rectums every Saturday night. A Sigil of Burning Flesh is ultra-repetitive war metal, ahem bore metal. All of the riffs are rejected Diocletian b-sides. This is total shit; one of those really hard, black shits that’s hard to pass. I want to kill someone listening to this. Why God why? Oh I know why! You’re not fucking real! Fuck Cancer, Fuck Black Fucking Cancer, Fuck their mothers, fuck their fathers, fuck their unborn children, fuck them all. The selling point to this horrible release?

Sales Points:

  • Product prominently stickered with selling points.

Black Fucking Cancer deserve to be sodomized in Saudi prison with a powered, fluorescent lightbulb by Al-Namrood.

centinex doomsday rituals
Centinex – Doomsday Rituals (2016)
Half generic crusty Swedish death metal, half deathcore complete with gang vocals. Doomsday Rituals is riffless except for riffs that could’ve been on the latest Slayer with the Monty Python god in the corner. Centinex aren’t even as good as Verminous. Stop pretending to be death metal legends and finish bagging my groceries.

crush fetish
Crush Fetish – Og Det Er Derfor De Kaller Meg Stor Pikk (2016)
Playing comically incompetent, sludge core for mentally-disabled trailer trash with food all over their shirts, Crush Fetish are as metal as the Red Hot Chili Peppers taking laxatives for opioid-induced constipation.

diamond head diamond head
Diamond Head – Diamond Head (2016)
Rehash yourself and mix it with grunge for a modern audience of idiot 22 year olds who think Nevermind, Superunknown, and Cowboys From Hell were classics up there with Hell Awaits, Melissa, and Killers. All the songs are way too long, repetitive verse chorus verse 90s radio hard rock songs with occasional heavy metal riffs. I want to kill myself. Where’s my cynanide capsule Eva? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CYANIDE CAPSULE? FUCK YOU FRAULEIN! *Shoots Eva*

forteresse themes
Forteresse – Thèmes pour la rébellion (2016)
Forteresse play the sort of lame, unmenacing “melodic” black metal riffs popularized by Enslaved and bands from Göteborg, Sweden. Forteresse try to add some blasting balls to it but fail miserably as they drag out the songs for five minutes too long, repeating themselves endlessly until they force you to turn off the album. All of the riffs and  songs are indistinguishable  so you’re not missing out on anything by turning this turd off. I want to watch porn instead of listening to this. Listening to Forteresse is the same as watching a really bad porno with tons of closeups of the dude’s pimply butt as he pounds some moaning bimbo in the same position from different camera angles for twenty minutes: You can’t jerk off to it unless you love stroking your penis to pimple-popping videos.

monsterworks cover
Monsterworks – Black Swan Annihilation (2016)
Opeth-based, roulette wheel metalcore. If you listen closely, you can hear them rip off bands such as Opeth, Metallica, Lykathea Aflame, everyone from the 70s, and Incubus. The 2000s MTV Incubus with the guyliner, not the trashy Christian beer metallers. Monsterworks are epileptics suited only for gigging at a Fuddrucker’s.
monsterworks band

666 testicle

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7 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: 6-19-2016”

  1. Kermit the Fucking Fuckface Frog says:

    What the fuck is Jawa Core?

  2. Nobody says:

    Thanks for the sadism, DMU. It’s appreciated!

    Hate to be one of those morons, who scream “review THIS. And THAT. NOW!” in the comments, but… I guess I am one of those morons.
    And it get’s downright retarded now, since I’m going to ask you to review my own music.
    I mean, how pathetic can you get?

    I sent you guys a review-request for the album back in August, and I would love to get some feedback – even if just a one-line sadistic slaying.
    That doesn’t matter: What matters is that nobody is seemingly interested in reviewing it, because it doesn’t fit into a genre, I’m not part of a scene and I’m too broke to pay for a positive review…

    I know it’s not metal, but Brett Stevens gave me the ‘okay, just send it anyway’-message back before he got banned off of Facebook.
    I was kind of hoping that he would review it/say something himself, but clearly he is too busy smoking pipe, subverting the political paradigme and/or watching the Gilmour Girls (ONLY DEATH IS REAL), and that’s probably a better way for him to spend his time anyway.

    Please consider it. That’s all.


    1. C.M. says:

      Sorry, sometimes stuff just slips through the cracks. This sounds interesting. I’ll write up a review after getting better acquainted with the tracks. It’s up to the editor whether or not it gets published though.

      1. Nobody says:

        Yeah I know but at least consider doing a review for Ungod and Dark Funeral since both are bands featured on the dark legions archive.

  3. Ludvig B.B. (vOddy) says:

    Nobody wants to see balls or lots of corpses, lol

    Well, some people want to see balls. And some even want to see corpses.
    But damn it, you know that most people who go here don’t want to see either.
    And that’s why you make us see them.
    You assholes.

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