Sadistic Metal Reviews: Dark Symphonies Special


Many lost “gems” have been reissued to capture undiscerning millennial money. Most never found a market as they weren’t up to par. The Death Metal Underground hopes that readers were not gifted any of these on the Unconquered Sun’s birthday.

hydra vein
Hydra Vein – Rather Death than False of Faith (1988)
Raining blood, from a lacerated sky! What? This isn’t Slayer. What the hell is this? Did Tom Araya have too much to drink? Wait this idiot’s British and doing drunken Motorhead karaoke and Kerry King air guitar solos at the pub. The cover looks like a ten year old’s Clash of the Titans fan art. This album is a fifteen year old’s Slayer fan art. Maybe if I drink half a bottle of whiskey my  brain will think Hydra Vein is actually Slayer. I could just turn it off and play Slayer.

morpheus son of hypnos
Morpheus – Son of Hypnos (1993)
Morpheus (no relation to Morpheus Descends) was an early nineties musical project put together by four residents of a Stockholm group home. The vocalist sounded like Sylvester Stallone imitating Glenn Benton, the guitarists idolized the Hoffmans, and everyone attempted to cover Kreator. During the recording sessions, the band members expressed situational homosexual behavior by prostate massaging one another with their genitalia. The orgasmic screams of these disturbed sodomites echoed jungle fowl being rended by monkeys. Son of Hypnos makes for an amusing pornographic soundtrack.

Bloodstone – Hour of the Gate (1996)
Hour of the Gate was produced by Tomas Skogsberg and Fred Estby at Sunlight Studios. I hit play and instead of crusty Swedeath my ears hear Incantation’s “Profanation” breaking down into Necrophobic riffing. Then Gothenburg leads and more Profanation. That lick’s from Megadeth. How many salads were tossed here? The shit-buttered anus of death metal was licked right well and clean. I need to get a drink. I blacked out listening to this turkey. This CD was not repressed as history wanted to black it out too.

sacrifical - forever entangled

Sacrificial – Forever Entangled (1993)
The sound of groove riffs ‘cross the glade,
Heshers cover your ears in horror.
This death trash is rather staid
Chugging along into the gutter.

Sacrificial, Sacrificial
Pantera meets Destruction
Sacrificial, Sacrificial
What a horrible production

Vocals are just way too loud.
Matti Karki would not be very proud.
Many metal songs are raped.
Their holes torn apart and gaped.

Sacrificial, Sacrificial,
Watched Blackadder the Third.
Sacrificial, Sacrificial
Another reissued turd.

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10 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Dark Symphonies Special”

  1. vOddy says:

    I actually think that riff salad is a legitimate way to write music, if done properly. If each following riff makes sense because of the nature of the previous one, then it’s good.
    It’s just that many riff salads are tossed riff salads.

    1. Daniel Maarat says:

      Well most metal is riff salad. You can have shitty boring that’s not riff salad too like Necroticism which is a verse chorus verse mess but it’s not random at all.

      1. vOddy says:

        I’m glad to see that I am not alone in my position

  2. matters says:

    Getting a middle school art student to do your album cover art must be the way to go!

  3. canadaspaceman says:

    heh heh, funny reviews… and also excellent (even if others do not agree), as they are straight to the point!

    You know, crappy album cover artwork used to signal (once upon a time) that great music was inside. . . and . . .
    I like Sacrificial, but I never picked up on any Pantera-vibe, so will have to listen again to see if you are right, or just more drunk than me right now.

  4. fghdfger says:

    decades ago, a time now long gone
    death metal had its pure form
    so easy then amongst global friends
    a bold scene never to conform
    changes set in, pollution begins
    despicable developments
    the duty to return and make all traitors burn
    on to your knees and repent


    vocals so poor, like frogs in a moor
    guitars like clouds of fruit flies
    where’s the bass sound, drums that don’t pound
    hear how our iron church cries
    they don’t give a fuck, just collecting bucks
    acting like statues on stage
    our final call to all those false
    we summon thou bastards to rage

    this is the deathhammer

    writing the pages, lasting for ages
    restore purity that once was
    deathhammer bloodstained, death will die again
    this is our doctrine and cause
    chapters demanding, episodes ending
    delivering the death metal bill
    the years of the leech, finished as we preach
    if you won’t face death we will

    bow down to the deathammer

    1. canadaspaceman says:

      it needs to rhyme more or it own it be a hit

    2. Daniel Maarat says:

      That’s not to the tune of the Blackadder theme….

  5. I feel nostalgia for when SMR’s were actually funny

  6. Dualist says:

    No way do American’s watch Blackadder! But it’s full of IRONY! I presumed they’d think it was a documentary ;-)

    Slightly adapted from series 3:

    Blackadder: Listen, Mr. American, do you even know what irony is?
    American: Of course I do! It’s like gold-y and bronze-y or summink!

    I thought the video was going to be the end-songs too. Here’s a good’un:

    “The sound of hoof beats ‘cross the glade,
    Good folk, lock up your son and daughter.
    Beware the deadly flashing blade,
    unless you want to end up shorter.
    Black Adder, Black Adder!
    He rides a pitch black steed.
    Black Adder, Black Adder!
    He’s very bad indeed.
    Black: his gloves of finest mole.
    Black: his codpiece made of metal.
    His horse is blacker than a vole;
    his pot is blacker than his kettle.
    Black Adder, Black Adder, with many a cunning plan.
    Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.”

    or from series 2:

    “Sir Francis and Sir Walter had
    discovered new worlds and new nations.
    And though Blackadder thought them mad,
    he tried his hand in navigation.
    Blackadder, Blackadder,
    he saw the ocean’s foam.
    Blackadder, Blackadder,
    he should’ve stayed at home.
    Blackadder, Blackadder,
    he heard the new world’s call.
    Blackadder, Blackadder,
    he discovered bugger-all.”

    Here’s the rest:

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