SMR – Mocking the Desperate Cries of Toiletovhell

Toiletovhell, a website created after a group of individuals were too soft for Metalsucks and their safe space politics and had to find somewhere even more pathetic to talk about metal. The aesthetics and writing style are even worse than Metalsucks and focus on self deprecating humour mixed with a lack of ability to actually understand anything they talk about. A herd like move towards inclusive and left wing politics has attracted a few other weak individuals on Twitter to constantly push around the same hilarious ideas in exchange for acceptance and “friendship” in the form of retweets. Naturally this wasn’t going to get them anymore exposure as the number of self proclaimed Black metal fans that love bands like “Dimmu Borgir” and “White Ward” yet are horrified or oblivious to the actual classics of the genre. Some time ago Joe and his cohorts had decided to attack DMU on two separate occasions that failed completely before resorting to small jabs on Twitter. After having gone through their website after their attack on DMU, I wasn’t interested in pursuing a bunch of forty year old men who had no actual musical education and a sufficient lack of political culture to be taken seriously. Yet it has come to my attention that Joe is so desperate for any kind of gossip that has called me out on his website for creating intricate sex scenarios revolving him and his wife. It’s time to flush Joe into the toilet once and for all.

After forcing myself to scroll through the Twitter accounts of Toiletovhell and their “friends” like Kim Kelly and other rejects in life that blame the world for their poverty and weakness. There was an account containing a particularly ugly “punk chick” holding a monkey that kept tagging Joe in some typical leftist fantasies consisting of Joe of being emasculated and forced into submission. The account “JoeMonkeyWife” even has a wedding picture which initially suggested that this was fake since no sane human would actually post pictures of their wife for strangers to see. The evidence that this was true was undeniable as it was indeed Joe on the picture even though he has a less muscular frame than his wife. Through certain save states it is easy to find deleted tweets and the like because Mr “Thrash n’Kill” would have deleted any tweets of his wife at this stage if he had any dignity at all. Though the picture were not visible the captions made it obvious as no detail was spared. Joe had wanted to show his “life partner” as a sort of brag to his colleagues that remain for the most part involuntarily celibate. In typical cowardly manner, Joe throws out an accusation on his podcast hoping that I don’t catch on to it rather than doing the right thing of contacting me through email or comment. Instead he waits while some troll degrades his wife on the internet and retweets the few losers that jump to his defence. At DMU we don’t believe in attacking a man’s wife behind his back and throughout the years have never used information on anyone’s wife that was sent to us. It’s a bad thing for Joe but it shows how weak this “man” is when he refuses to actually do anything.

The Toilet gang have made it a lifelong mission to fight hatred and discrimination and dispelling negative stereotypes over minorities but according to Joe making unsubstantiated claims against countries that one knows nothing about is alright. In a weird tirade, he called both France and Italy libertine countries in comparison to America. This overly American viewpoint dumbly regroups all Mediterranean countries into one set of people without understanding the cultural diversity of Southern Europe and though sexuality was more openly discussed in certain intellectual circles that doesn’t equate to a constant orgy. Joe then uses the famous “iz u” debating method when talking about the fantasies evoked by the troll. On one piece of a podcast he talks about his trip to Japan that doesn’t contain any actual information on either the people or the culture because Joe doesn’t seem to possess much education as he unable to identify anything interesting to say and continues talking about his idiotic stories. I could not continue to listen to his simple and feminine voice for too long before deciding to close the tab. Joe has also stated that he was bullied by the entrepreneurs all his life and other tweets that consist of blaming others and crying in general, just a sad excuse for a human being.

The crux of Joe’s reviews are limited to surface level aesthetics of production, guitar tone, vocal types and a limited understanding of genre tropes. He has no sense of how compositions or melodies are built together or even any useful insights on the aesthetics of a record and for him to fill those gaps, he engages in asinine anecdotes that end with idiotic statements like “Funeral Moth is time travel music”. His colleagues are even worse and tend to spew the first thing from their mind while reviewing records as evidenced by this piece of mental cancer. Some incredible insights from the writer on Altars of Madness.

2:20 – There’s one of those big menacing riffs I’m used to.

7:43 – Whoa, is that some melody I hear? Did not expect.

3:48 – And there’s one of those crazy solos. It’s interesting hearing the same style in a more straightforward presentation.

Combine this with slogan based politics of calling anything or anyone that doesn’t agree with them a Nazi or “warning” the world of a divide in metal that only existed as soon as metal got trendy. It is reminiscent of how those who didn’t actually listen to metal attacked Slayer for the lyrics on “Angel of Death” before completely forgetting about them and disappearing from metal altogether. Herd think and slave morality do not constitute good metal and that explains why these specimens of nature aren’t drawn to good metal but to whatever repeats the message a million times without offering new. Case in point: Neckbeard Deathcamp who make joke music recognized by everyone on both ends of the spectrum yet sell dreams of “punching Nazis” to their fans who can barely squat
three pounds. Toiletovhell represent the dying remains of hipster metal as even Vice is reconstructing its Noisey branch into the main canon due to a lack of popularity. The toilet gang will continue to cry before leaving metal once and for all and resuming their low income, low testosterone and failed lives. Keep our name out of your disease filled mouths.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

87 thoughts on “SMR – Mocking the Desperate Cries of Toiletovhell”

  1. Taakemehometonight says:

    This article is the biggest self-own in internet history. Well done, Nicholas.

    1. If you have anything ressembling a brain that would not be the conclusion you would have taken.

      1. lol this whole fuckin article is the biggest piece of dog shit whiny “journalism” I have ever read. “if he had any decency he would have removed pics of his wife from twitter” jesus christ they let incels write articlea now?

        1. Not whiny, just one writer destroying another who keeps talking in hiding. Whiny would be Joey boy crying about Horna and Decapitated not me summing up his existence as a writer. Funnily enough most incels come from left leaning environments and not the right.

      2. Enchanted Northern Butthole says:

        You have never and will never touch a vagina.

  2. LostInTheANUS says:

    When’s the new writing contest???

    1. the story goes:
      Joey boii cried for months and then went back to listening to Indie rock

  3. wetfarts (mental retardatio) says:

    *farts on this whole website* (commentary from one of the toilet boys)

  4. Thrash is better than Death or Black says:

    Mr. Vahdias, you’re articles are a breath of fresh air.These leftist commie scum needs to leave our scene forever. Never did I think, 31 years ago, when I was banging my head to Nuclear Assault, that my scene would become so corrupted of these commie scum. I’m a Conspiracy Realist ™ so I got no skin in the game, but these fucking leftists with their accusing everybody of being Nazis who don’t agree with their loony politics are getting on my last nerve.Keep fighting the good fight brother.

    1. Yeah it’s funny and just sad, their number of views are just dying out and no one takes them seriously. I know some of these guys IRl and they tend to have poor hygiene and no prospects in life. Don’t let them get to you and they will fade away. Joe is completely obsessed with me and can’t keep me out of his head. Horna have managed to turn the situation around to make a bit of money and Vice is looking to leave metal for good. Toiletovhell will likely be around for a short while but leave them to their mentally challenged reviews.

      1. Knickers Wah-dias says:

        “Joe is completely obsessed with me and can’t keep me out of his head.”

        You’ve just written a whole article about him, you fucking plum.

        1. adressing his obsession in a one time manner so that both parties can move on. I am guessing that you were never good at logic.

          1. Little Nicky says:

            Nobody’s writing paragraphs about you, Nicholas.

          2. wetfarts (cancer) says:

            You wrote erotic roleplay of his wife and then say you’re not obsessed lmfao.
            *continues farting on this whole website* (mental retardation)

            1. never did and don’t have time for that. You are the one who roleplays farting on a website.

              1. wetfarts says:

                It’s not roleplaying if I’m actually farting on your website.
                *farts the biggest fart possible on this website*

                1. Guess you never learned what abstraction was in school or thay you even went to school.

                  1. wetfarts says:

                    You’ve spent over an hour arguing with and editing the comments of a guy called wetfarts on the internet. Please keep owning yourself though.
                    *Farts bigger fart than thought possible all over this website*

                    1. Takes me about 5 seconds to reply but keep believing whatever you want and ignoring my basic question on abstraction.

                    2. Wetfarts says:

                      Sorry I don’t argue with ERP weirdos about art/computing concepts just fart on their websites.
                      *Farts cosmic levels of methane all over this website*

                    3. You struggle to understand it.
                      Also you look just like how I imagined you https://imgur.com/a/D7bt6ao

                    4. wetfarts says:

                      That’s not me but nice try lmao. Keep stalking Joes twitter which totally proves your point of not being an absolute weirdo
                      *Farts fart even the gods fear of having to smell all over this website*

                    5. Don’t deny that you look like him. I don’t stalk, I have a bot for you losers that notifies when you bitch about me in your sad corner.

                    6. wetfarts says:

                      Are you seriously trying to tell me that having a bot that alerts you when specific people talk shit isn’t pathetic? lmao that’s even fucking worse. Once again convenient that someone said you could suck a fart from his ass on Joes twitter but that’s not me so I wouldn’t keep slandering that guy if I were you. I will continue to keep farting on your website.
                      *Thunderous farts rain from asshole all over this poser fucking website*

                    7. Yeah it took five minutes to adapt a binary search program that was intended for searching information relating to the stock market to find Joey boii crying. Keep talking about things you don’t understand while waiting for your welfare. Whether that was you or not, you probably look just as bad as him while you repeat your juvenile farting meme. Ianuk the mighty 450 pound warrior that can’t even walk without panting.

                    8. wetfarts says:

                      It doesn’t matter how simple it is. I know how simple it is. The fact is you set up a bot that specifically searches for people talking shit about you. That’s the most insecure thing I’ve heard in my entire life outside of “no sane person would ever post pictures of their wife on social media.” You are the epitome of being a living fart. No matter how much I fart on your website you will always be a bigger fart. Also releasing information about people’s emails when it’s not publicly posted on your replies is pretty bad form.
                      *unleashes a fart singularity all over this fart of a website*

                    9. Not insecure son but rather laughing at how Joe has been pretty much quite and has allowed fat jobless losers to defend him.
                      A wedding represents the bonding between two people for what should be a lifetime, it is an intimate act shared with loved ones and friends. Posting your wife (especially when she looks like his) is a plea for acceptance from others. How can you be so desperate to post pictures of your partner for the world to judge? I am guessing you don’t understand that because you’ve never been with a woman in your life. One day at the age of fifty you may learn. You are no different than a talking worm and you cry about your name being shown while you are dream of cosplaying as a nintendo character and playing League of legends. You have no job prospects and are in terrible health son.

                2. What a clever monkey.

              2. RDS says:

                Uh they did about 2 Hrs worth of podcasts on DMU writers

      2. Bloodied Stool says:

        Which ones have you met?

        1. Two of them at a punk show in London, both capable of working but on welfare with practically no education whatsoever and wearing realy dirty patch vests.

          1. Bloodied Stool says:

            How did you know they were uneducated and/or on welfare?

            1. Kept talking about their Jobseekers allowance and how they dropped out of school in year 8 or 9 (13/14 years old) because they couldn’t be arsed getting GCSEs

      3. I Don’t Want to Touch Your Butt says:

        No amount of projecting your flaws as a human being on other people will actually make positive changes to your life, I hope you realize that.

        1. The famous iz u method once again. Indeed, my flaws consist of me being an underpaid manlet with no musical education who writes about metal without understanding it. Acute analysis my friend, do you have a PhD in psychology?

          1. I Don’t Want to Touch Your Butt says:

            Bachelor’s Degree so far. I’ve also worked with adults with severe and persistent mental illnesses for five years, and your mental gymnastics would give my clients who experience delusions a run for their money.

            1. There are no mental gymnastics here and if you do believe thay then your degree was pretty worthless or maybe you ended up like your patients? If you can find any erroneous arguments presented in the piece and find any sign of mental gymnastics, I will pay you a month’s wage.

              1. I Don’t Want to Touch Your Butt says:

                Sorry, no can do. Taking money from a vulnerable adult would be considered financial exploration.

                1. Says the guy who can’t back his claims.

      4. The newcomers are bailing metal for greener pastures. Since they arrived, they killed any “outsider” cred that metal had, and now like good culture vampires they are on to something “new” to use to make their failed lives seem cool.

        EUGENICS NOW

  5. Spum Bucket says:

    Imagine pretending not to care and then caring enough to write THIS article.

    1. as said before, I wanted to clear the air about a man who keeps talking about me but hides when I reach out to him.

  6. Dangus says:

    it looks like you’re trying to make metal music a safe past-time for computer nerds and assorted types, fair enough, but try to rembember (if you can) that this is actually a rebellious, (ideally) dangerous form of music. it’s not our problem that people bullied you for liking nightwish.
    you don’t praise DEATH, you know nothing of anti-cosmic philosophy OR true death and black metal, you are just a bunch of lifers trying to get girls or whatever it is you want, your “art” will never have any impact because it isn’t grounded in any metaphysical thought, you’re just a bunch of scenesters, face it

    1. Tyrell Dahlstrom says:

      Is this directed at DMU/Nicholas or the Toilet people?

      1. Dangus says:

        DMU DUH

        1. “…but try to rembember [sic] (if you can) that this is actually a rebellious, (ideally) dangerous form of music.”

          For years this has been one of the only public resources arguing for this viewpoint. How long have you been reading this site?

          “it’s not our problem that people bullied you for liking nightwish.”

          ?

          “you don’t praise DEATH”

          what a coincidence i have actually been recently considering writing a short article on this topic

          (assuming that you are referring here to the actual phenomena of DEATH, and not to the band of schuldiner)

          “you know nothing of anti-cosmic philosophy”

          For the record, I am probably the biggest champion of REINKAOS that you will ever find on this site.

          However, for all those interested in such ventures in “reverse Judaism”, it’s worth taking into consideration that orthodox Kabbalah doctrine is itself already “anti-cosmic” to begin with………

          (besides, the Infernal Divine is not actually ’bout that bro LOL)

          “[you know nothing of] true death and black metal”

          http://www.deathmetal.org/metal/

          Out of curiosity, what are some examples of “true” DM and BM bands you feel is missing from here?

          “you are just a bunch of lifers trying to get girls or whatever it is you want”

          that sounds hesh af, idk why you say that like it’s a bad thing

          I LIKE GIRLS
          I LIKE METAL
          I LOVE PUSSY
          I LIKE GETTING LAID

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYl1z8ItUb0

          your “art” will never have any impact because it isn’t grounded in any metaphysical thought

          Although, I am not quite sure what you are referring to by “our art”, this is nevertheless certainly an interesting contrast to the typical critique labeled at DMU that our perspective is too “pretentious” and “pseudo-philosophical”. Not to mention its ignorance of the consistent references our various authors have given over the years to such diverse “metaphysical thinkers” as Plato, Kant, Schopenhauer, Evola, Long, etc.

    2. Hesh Man no. 12 says:

      If anything there’s too much metaphysical bullshit here. Except when Nicholas does technical breakdowns and other authors just bash things they dont like with amusing comments. Honestly dude you sound like a massive nerd loser who should ditch philosophy and install tinder.

  7. The mobile version of this site sucks ass says:

    Oh my god, we get it, you want to fuck Joe

    1. Though he is very feminine and could be the protagonist from Anal Cunt’s sorry I’m not that kind of boy, I will stick to my trad waifu.

      1. Extremely poor mobile optimisation says:

        You found a waifu who’s into your weird, smooth-armed college freshmen look? Inspiring.

        People are passing around photos of you and I don’t even want to fuck you and I want to fuck EVERYONE.

        1. Yeah it’s easy to get women when you look like a man and not a crying leftist. Unlike Joey boy, some of us actually exercise. Damn I am sad that a degenerate animal/amorphous blob doesn’t want me, you can go have fun with others of your kind who have lived a lifetime of rejection.

    2. Ioannis Metaxas says:

      It sucks indeed. Must be some antitechnological statement, but aren’t all online antitechnological statements hypocritical?

      1. Ioannis Metaxas says:

        I was refering to your name lol

  8. TaintSlicer says:

    Lol this is so fucking cringey. This is some high school level nerd drama. I can’t bring myself to believe a grown man took the time to write this dumpster fire.

    1. Can’t believe that a grown man left a comment to say nothing

    2. Macabre Fuckfest says:

      Lol this is the same site that harassed Chuck Schuldiner’s mother when he died. So this is very minor compared to some of the other stuff they’ve done.

      I, for one, found the article to be quite entertaining.

      1. Basilisk says:

        Hey can you elaborate on these pieces of shit harassing Chucks mom? Fucking prick website.

      2. TheLord says:

        I Love my jew boi chuck but that’s hilariously dark hahahahahaha.

      3. Why would that bother you? People die of fucking AIDS all the time, and they always claim it’s “pneumonia.” They get away with it because AIDS is a disease of the immune system. HIV infects and disables it, then something else carries you off. Technically speaking, no one dies of AIDS. They die of HIV-related opportunistic infections. Is it terrible to admit that metal musicians sometimes die of fucking AIDS? Or that they may have received it through a semen inoculation to the rectum? Why do you hate anal sex? If you are getting railed in the ass, admit it proudly and loudly, and stop hiding behind your heterosexual pretense. Lots of metalheads love to get railed in the rectum, stuffed in the shitter, fucked in the fagpouch, plugged in the pooper, nailed up the nope chute, reamed in the rear, spermed in the descending colon, or just suck a whole bunch of dicks to demonstrate open-mindedness. No one is against that. We just say that, if you do all that, AND THEN you die of AIDS, quit lying about it. Chuck Schuldiner died of AIDS. We can all accept this now. We should remember Chuck every time someone dies of fucking AIDS, because Chuck died of AIDS. And if we run around having unprotected sodomitic rape and rampant fellatio with 15-year-old multiracial boys like Chuck did, we might get AIDS and die of fucking AIDS too, because Chuck died of fucking AIDS and he got it somewhere. Probably in the rectum.

        1. Basilisk says:

          Jesus Christ you are white we get it.

          How pissed are you that Jew boy stepped it up from slaughter and got WAY more recognition because he simply made better music? Fucking snow nigger?

          What was your moms brand of scotch? Jesus fuck man.

        2. Basilisk says:

          Can you show me where mommy hit you? Probably while daddy masturbated to Aura Noir.

  9. Ttfn says:

    Wow metal sites have reached the popularity scale of inter rivalry….

    1. Ioannis Metaxas says:

      There is no rivalry. We are on completely different levels.

      1. Basilisk says:

        Yes, dumb and dumber. :)

  10. ImProbablyMostDefinitelyTakingThisTooSeriously says:

    Ya this is how you convince people that you’re in the right, by attacking a person’s character rather their actual points or logic. Any and all instances of this article where you bring up Joe’s or anyone else’s stances on anything whatsoever you use vague ideas of what they may be in order to bolster your ad hominem attacks, rather have a legitimate point to this mess of a glorified diary entry. If you’re sick and tired of lefties and commies invading your kool kids klvb, fine, make an article about that. Use Joe and other Toileters as examples of such people, use their apparently shoddy articles as a means to make a point about how ridiculous they and supposedly many others are being. But coming into this or any debate in such poor faith like this will only serve to make you look worse than the opposition no matter how bad they really are. I’ve seen conservatives, fascists, neonazis, and alt righters alike claim all of this anti-SJW soyboy cuck shit to be a full blown culture war, but all I see is a bunch of man children upset that people they are diametrically opposed to enjoy some of the things they enjoy.

    1. I dismantled his logic quite briefly as there is very to it and have destroyed his articles quickly as there is nothing much to the boy.
      Ad hominem refers to using an insult as a direct implication and not as a conjunction in the way I did but nice try.
      Nothing to do with leftist and commies but weak men like Joey boy gossiping about other men in hiding.
      The left have subverted metal which they don’t really enjoy to be able to understand it, nothing more, nothing less.
      You try harder than the rest but still you have limited deductive capabilities and even worse inductive abilitis.

  11. Flat Earth Supremacist says:

    The holocaust was fake, Israel is evil, and fast food will turn you into a tranny.

  12. Johan P says:

    IIRC, there’s one writer on that site who has decent taste and makes the effort to dig out older, obscure material. He should join DMU instead.

  13. Embarassing says:

    So this is the direction you want to take what Brett and others built, huh?

  14. BRENDEN MARCHED AT PRIDE WEEK says:

    ALPHA MALE NICK ANNIHILATES TOH

    HOW WILL JOE EVER RECOVER?

    1. by ditching his ugly wife.

  15. Retarded Hippo says:

    I’m waiting for a Hessian’s guide to proper Elbow Fisting. I know this is a homosexual site, so I’m only expecting the real deal.

    1. elbow – fisting
      chosoe one.

    2. Proper elbow fisting starts with a whole canister of Crisco, liberally applied. Make sure you cut your nails or you can slice the descending colon. Next, you must be obese and wearing a thong. It also helps if you listen to something totally gay like any band from New York. Once you get your arm in to the elbow, be sure to squeeze out a little fart to really work your arm in there.

    3. St. Nicholas says:

      You know nothing! Dumpkopf!
      This site is not for homosexuals, and you are stupid, so now you must go away!
      Forever and ever!
      Jawohl!

  16. Incredibly Painful Torture says:

    I hate ToH, Blastbeat Network and all the other PC bullshit poison infiltration, I’ve been following DMU probably since before its current editor was even born (anus.com/metal anyone?), and even I must say – this is fucking stupid. DMU still offers the most insightful writing on metal; don’t lower yourselves with crap like this. The rugby article was cool, stick with stuff like that if you wanna branch out.

    1. Joe was so desperate to grab my attention and had been trying for a while, so he got his 5 minutes.

  17. Good work, Nicholas. Keep exposing the parasites.

  18. Flying Kites says:

    Retardfat. Retardfat.

  19. JJOkocha says:

    I didn’t know this shit pot.
    Their review of Sacramentum says “wall-of-sound”.

    1. no frot no forums no journalism no anime says:

      wall of sound became one of those go-to descriptors for post weblog era writers and I’ve seen it used for everything from incantation to dinosaur jr. just all encompassing retardspeak for annoyingly clipped guitar signal evidently

      a wall is flat and featureless but wall-like is the most fitting adjective they can find to describe music? hmm?

      aside everyone involved in this article (directly and in all ways otherwise) is a fag

  20. Throwswwy says:

    Dork lol. Aren’t you like 40, grow up

  21. Metal Mystic says:

    Reading comments from all these ToH faggots gave me GRIDS. Those “First Impressions” articles and everything else on that site is low IQ mind-rot.

    DEPORT LEFTIST SCUM.
    GAS POSER METAL WRITERS.
    SODOMIZE THE WEAK.

    1. Basilisk says:

      “Metal Mystic”

      Jesus Christ die in a house fire you fucking fag.

  22. DEODORANT OPTIONALE says:

    en france on mange les pommes et lance les bananes aux noirs

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Classic reviews:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z