Sadistic Metal Reviews 09-15-2015

Dismember is dead, Fred Estby was d-beaten to the cross, and not even Dave Blomqvist can sweep away these recent Swedish metal sins.

Black breath
Black Breath – Heavy Breathing (2010), Sentenced to Life (2012), Slaves Beyond Death (2015)
Smegma crust derivative deathcore. There’s sludge in here too as this was released by Southern Lord, the idiots who brought us Kim Kelly Kore like Nails and Wolves in the Throne Room. No Swedes are spared by these gang rapists. Black Breath even spread apart the cheeks and felch the fecal matter from Wolverine Blues’ asshole. Listening to any of their releases is hearing them play metal hot potato by passing around that firm bowel movement mouth to mouth like a mother bird feeding her babies. Black Breath lick that shit up and down to get the turd glisteningly slick before shoving it up Kim Kelly’s meat-hooked Hellraiser cunt. From there it will be squeezed out like soft serve ice cream for Pitchfork and Vice’s hipster cones.

Demonical – Black Flesh Redemption (2015)
Demonical wants to play with the big boys. They have Boss HM-2 pedals and riffs Dismember rejected when writing the not-so-classic Death Metal. What they don’t have is any idea of how to write an adequate death metal song; these guys can’t even hammer out an effective two and a half minute verse chorus verse thrash basher. The four tracks each attempt to pander to a different lowest common denominator metal audience with their individual use of breakdowns, doomy interludes, and cheesy keyboards. The rhythm guitars take a backseat to the cheesy Amon Amarth vocalizations. There is about a minute of semi-enjoyable generic material on this record.. Snort the line of borax on the floor failure.

Entrails – Obliteration (2015)
Three strikes is life in many states. Singapore will hang anyone who walks off a plane with enough junk. Medieval England executed children caught stealing anything worth more than two loaves of bread; mercy meant limbs lopped off. This is Entrails’ fourth offense. These recidivists need to overdose in a Cambodian shack on a cocktail of liquor, Valium, and chloroquine.

Interment – Into the Crypts of Blasphemy (2010)
Yet another fourth rate band from the early nineties finally recorded an album. The songs are again dick beat punk and the metal riffs were pilfered from Entombed and Carnage. Just like Entrails no label gave these fools money to record an album back in 1993 for good reason. Now that they’re adults with jobs, this garage band can afford studio time to bore us. Interment need to quit trying to live out their delusional teenage heavy metal dreams and spend time with their kids on weekends.

Verminous – The Unholy Communion (2013)
Verminous return with more punk rock masquerading as death metal. More bouncy hardcore riffs, more lame samples, and more gang chants. Whatever catchy riffs are on this CD are quickly worn out through strict verse chorus verse pop punk structures that make three minute long songs drag. I want to throw it at a homeless person. The lyrical themes are inconsistent too. Pop Satanism? Okay. Bukkake? Barbatos? Verminous are the Blink-182 of Svensk Döds Metall. Repeatedly listening to The Unholy Cumunion is equivalent to fucking your girlfriend wearing a used condom picked up off the sidewalk.

Drowned – Idola Specus (2014)
Soulside Journey simplified into pop music. Drowned grokked the underground’s current nostalgia for the early nineties and rehashed a beloved classic into an easily digestible rock format. Pointless introductions and incongruent atmospheric verses are thrown in to appease doom halfwits and bore everyone else. Darkthrone is being bowdlerized for hipsters just as early rock ‘n’ roll whitewashed rhythm and blues for suburban teenagers. Truly Katy Perry death metal.

Tribulation – Children of the Night (2015)
Tribulation first moved from Grotesque and Merciless worship to Rust in Peace meets Queensrÿche on The Formulas of Death. Children of the Night abandons metal altogether, becoming Moog synth laden regressive goth rock. Tribulation aren’t horror score Goblin now; Tribulation are strict, just out of the closet Lestat cosplayers. Where are the clean vocal hooks for the Cradle of Filth faggots? How the hell are Tribulation supposed to get into Hot Topic next to Deafheaven? They need to put away the Vampire Diaries, pull the buttplugs out of their rectums, and hire a real singer. Then go to Safeway, buy four gallons of bleach, and chug them like forties in the parking lot. That will clean out Tribulation’s gastrointestinal tracts.

Ghost – Meliora (2015)
Repugnant failed miserably at death metal. Now Repugnant fail miserably at Duran Duran. Ghost have no musical influences from Blue Öyster Cult or Mercyful Fate; rather they play vocal pop with occasional speed metal riffs. Pop music centered around singing that makes Dave Mustaine sound like Ronnie James Dio. This has to be trolling: the vocalist sounds like Seth Putnam on Anal Cunt’s indie wuss rock parody Picnic of Love; grown men are playing dress up pseudo-metal like little girls having a Satanic tea party. Tobias Forge should lick lead paint chips off the floor and bash his brains out in the back of a police van.

Cut up
Cut Up – Forensic Nightmares (2015)
Cut Up? What kind of lazy band name is that? What happened to metal bands whose names actually referenced death? Treblinka? Autopsy? Immolation? Cut Up wondered what Dismember meant and looked it up in the dictionary. “What does Dismember mean bro?” “It means to cut people up.” Cut Up cuts up old death metal riff phrases into licks and rearranges them into death ‘n’ roll forensic nightmares. Songs are structured like Cannibal Corpse filtered through the randomness of metalcore. Ample slams and breakdowns disorient into a brain cell holocaust. The target audience is those australopithecines who believe death metal a more extreme version of beatdown hardcore. Go cut up your vegetables.
Dismember : Lethal Weapon :: Cut Up : Samurai Cop minus the amusing bits


Sadistic Metal Reviews 08-08-2015


In the Death Metal Underground, the promos are reviewed in two separate yet equally important groups: the worthy which are investigated thoroughly and the shelf turds used to test the wounding potential of artillery. These reviews are the latter.

Mastiphal – For a Glory of All Spirits, Rise for Victory (1995, reissued 2015)

Emperor started the mass delusion among basement dwellers that adding dark wave keyboards to random metal riffs constituted black metal rather than loose stool. Mastiphal obliged, stopped jerking off to Sailor Moon, and wrote carnival music around stolen metal riffs and goth rock choruses. Celtic Frost, Slayer, Deicide, and all your other favorites get the Clan of Xymox cocks. These uncut, smegma-encrusted Poles rim that Castlevania cartridge, gape it, and slam their sweaty balls away. The breakdowns are there for pulling out and sword fighting.

Also sprach Zarathutsra : man discovering tools :: Mastiphal : man discovering anilingus

Goatblood / Nuclear Perversions – Rex Judaeorum / Wolves of Apocalypse (2015)

More three chord hardcore punk played out of time by fat hipsters who want to enslave the south side of Chicago. Good luck with that pickup beat. How about a delightful goat curry instead? True island flavor. Only long pig available? It will be delicious. The succulent belly fat from all those PBRs will melt right in.

Fat War Metal Pig Curry

1. Thoroughly restrain the long pig. Pry off the gas masks and slit the pigs’ throats over a bucket in the Jewish and Moslem tradition. If their faces are too ornamented and disgusting to look at, put the gas masks back on and savagely strike the necks until all heads are severed.

2. Let the carcasses drain of blood for the black pudding. Did you think blood libel was false? Our bodies will naturally turn theirs into excrement.

3. Be sure to cut off all metallic ornamentation. Flay all subcutaneous ink. Scalp the upper part of the body and use your blow torch to defoliate the chest hair. When butchering and gutting the carcasses, be sure to save the intestine and fat for the pudding. Discard the diseased livers.

5. Clean the intestines and cube the meat not too lean.

6. Fry the cumin, coriander, tumeric, and peppers with ghee. You may also use some of the fat obtained from the thighs and midsection.

7. Rub the curry onto the cubes and let marinate for at least twelve hours. This is a smart time to prepare the pudding.

8. Heat oil and cook the mixture in a sauce pan on low heat for hours. Cover and be careful. Do not rush with your dish’s composition but do not worry too much; like war metal, curries play themselves.

9. Serve over rice.

Ithaqua – Initation to Obscure Mysteries (2015)

Greeks broke. Greeks need foreign currency. Greeks see black metal autists who buy everything with bullet belt. Greeks know metal autist like black metal on pro-tape cassette. Limited tape trade Discogs Ebay. Rotting Christ and Varathron most true drum machine sampler Hellenic black metal. True cult early 90s. Cover them on 300 limit copies. Sell all rights of recording to label to buy case of skunky Euro piss lager. Stroke hairy Hellenic forearms. Wish you were cool. Drink away 51% youth unemployment. Kill self.


Sadistic Metal Reviews 08-01-15


Kombucha is sweetened tea fermented by a symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast. The sludge digests the sugar, shitting out vinegar, carbon dioxide, fruit phenols and slight amounts of alcohol. What you get is an infected vinegar soda that is popular among delusional fat hippies and AIDS patients as a supposedly immune-enhancing probiotic. Since the Death Metal Underground sadistic reviews bloody HIV-infected feces all the time, we have sent one of our brave staff members to test the few bottles available in his local supermarket

GT’s Enlightened Organic Raw Kombucha Original

An original, unflavored kombucha. Black tea, sugar, organisms, and their excretions. The appearance is yellow brown, like a bottle weak iced tea that some sicko ejaculated in. It smells similar to rancid, vinegared wine. Not a good wine, but an overly sweet bum wine. There is little vinegar to balance out the sickeningly sweet taste of rotten fruit. This is probably as further fermentation would raise the alcohol by volume to levels where the drink would qualify as an alcoholic beverage in most states. The mouth feel is thin soda and mucus. The slime gets in my mouth even with careful decanting. Drain pour.

GT’s Enlightened Synergy Organic and Raw Kombucha Trilogy

The term trilogy invokes greatness in the public eye. The Star Wars Trilogy, Lord of the Rings, The Slayer’s first three albums. This “trilogy” kombucha invokes rotten wine cooler. It looks and smells like a Zima mixed with dirty pond water. The taste is a bucket of wine cooler that was left outside in a swamp and being used as a breeding ground for malaria infected mosquitoes. What is the intended audience for this? Appletini drinkers do not favor fermented foodstuffs.

Capital Kombucha Basil Lemongrass

This one is filtered and honey-sweetened. Only a slight amount of yeast jizz laces the bottom of the bottle. I presume this brand is intended for delusional, hippie new age parents to give to their unvaccinated children instead of demon root beer. The Basil Lemongrass flavor tastes like the piss of a diabetic Thai man. May scarlet fever strike the children of whatever taste testers approved this.

GT’s Enlightened Kombucha Gingerade

Who would allow their child to drink this over ginger ale? A few ounces were enough to make the reviewer violently ill. He vomited a hot dog all over his own penis while passing loose stool. Only the Heimlich maneuver saved him from irrumation by sausage.


Sadistic Metal Reviews 07-25-15


Superficially repacking the old into the new for a younger, naiver generation is an abhorrent commercial practice of both record labels and Hollywood studios. These five independent artists have bravely submitted their failures in doing so to the Death Metal Underground. May our objective criticism prove constructive to their suicides.


Archemoron – Sulfur and Fire (2015)

Archemoron. Yes, Archemoron. Yes, this band named themselves Archemoron. Yes Archemoron were not joking; Archemoron are serious. When not ripping off Slayer, Archemoron play melodic black and death metal riffs arranged into rock dirges. Many of Archemoron’s own “riffs” are pinch harmonics repeated for two minutes. Archemoron’s tracks are five to seven minutes too long. Archemoron invoke Hieronymus Bosch about as much as Dark Funeral taking their pants off and whacking each others’ dicks with pool noodles for an hour before running a train on the ass of the one in the gimp chains invokes heterosexuality. Archemoron are arch morons.


Deathwhite – Solitary Martyr (2015)

Hoobastank is back with a new EP. What remains of Roadrunner has surprisingly not signed them yet. I am watching a group of shaved-ape Russians fishhook a fat hooker with their dicks. The mascara is running as they pound her face and ass. The asshole stretches to accommodate more Poles. Time for the money shot. So this is a creampie scene? Damn they are ejaculating in her ass one by one. That’s nasty. She’s squeezing it out now. Mother of god that is not watery semen; this is a group piss enema into a prolapsed rectum. That bloody red, inside-out Russian rectal meat is wet with piss and shit flakes. Only Relapse Records could masturbate to this.


Enthring – The Art of Chaos (2015)

Is this Hells Headbangers Motorheadcore? Slayer? Slayer doesn’t have keyboards. Chanting? Why? Enthring want the lyrics to be important in these rock songs so why are they detracting from what I can’t understand with a melotron? Motorhead didn’t need keyboards in the 70s, Motorhead doesn’t need keyboards added in now. Stop remixing music you cannot comprehend into carnival music metalcore with breakdowns. This is the Transsexual Serbian Orchestra of metalcore soggy biscuiting that Fleshlight Apocalypse that came in Nuclear Blast’s die hard edition.


Goat Torment – Sermons to Death (2015)

Goat Torment attempt to preach to Death himself by prying open fans’ assholes with Sodom and Slayer. While many experienced heshers can instantly see through such a ruse, many of today’s trve metal warriors only listen to bands that their chill core bros designate as “bestial.” This audience is unaware nor cares of the thrash rehash cash-in. The martyred Euronymous himself was fond of cutoff Sodom belly shirts and dildo prostrate massages so Pitchfork will say that Goat Tormentor having a daisy chain finished by using Tom Angelripper’s visage on the back of their shirts as a cum target is a socially acceptable sexual practice. Sermons to Death is an Outbreak of AIDS.


Kyy – Travesty of Light (2015)

Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir pandered “black metal” to Hot Topic tweens. Kyy attempt the same by sticking random minor key tremolo riffs in their nu metalcore. Twenty eight year olds with Vatnett Viskar backpatches, sleaveless jean jackets, and questionable sexual preferences won’t lap this up like they do teenage goth ass. Travesty of Light lacks the catchy screeched vocal hooks and emotional choruses to be distributed by Century Media. Only more randomness grounded by catchier vocal dichotomies may grant Kyy the hairy hipster fudge.


Sadistic Metal Reviews 07-13-2015 — Why do you even bother?


Heaps of crap spilling over the mail. Why do you even bother?


Listerine Original Antiseptic (1879)

Pabst Blue Ribbon and Miller High Life are owned by Eurotrash and consumed by flanneled gentrifiers. Mogen David 20/20 is a Orthodox Jewish conspiracy to lower the standardized test scores of urban gentile males. Listerine Original Antiseptic is an authentic skid row beverage unpolluted by ulterior marketing and motives. I test it as a fellow slave to the grind.

My clear five hundred milliliter bottle displays the rich caramel color of the liqueur. The initial mouthfeel is thin to not overwhelm the palette. The taste similar to a strong, camphoraceous fortified wine. There is some mild ethanol burning as it trickles down the back of my throat but this is alleviating by the soothing menthol. The entire half-liter is soon sitting comfortably in the stomach, dulling the existential pain, and killing my liver.

Mustachioed, Nietzschean 19th century medical pioneers used this to wash their floors of the false. They dipped their wicks into the bottle to soothe the sores of regret obtained from the whores of lesser Christianities just as you drown away your father’s failed expectations in the parking lot of the A&P. Listerine is more essential to your lineage than the finest blue agave tequilas and Scottish single malts. Just as Walker’s Dry Gin fathered your father at a Connecticut country club in 1960, Listerine Original Antiseptic is what your mother drank straight from the corrugated cardboard before her loose cooch drained your father’s urethra of seminal fluid in the broom closet of a 1980s rehab clinic. Listerine is truer than true; it made you.


Temple ov Decibel – A Room Without a View (2015)…
Warlock: The Armageddon (1993)

A dark ambient album only notable for its title being a poor pun on Merchant-Ivory film featuring a teenage Helena Bonham-Carter and Julian Sands from Warlock: The Armageddon. Being one of their lighter productions, an English tourist with a dark past embarks upon a road trip across America to find his father. A redneck neopagan Luke Skywalker, magical artifacts purchased by the prop department with tickets from ski ball machines, and early 90s fashion more dated than Chuck Schuldiner’s cat shirt add to the charm. Just like slam death and beatdown hardcore, the film is not for black metal spiritualists but those who crave straight to the dome brutality. Director Anthony Hickox (Hellraiser III, Waxwork), Mr. Sands, and the underfunded effects crew meet their minimal expectations with a few clever kills, Orff abuse, a suitably goofy script, and 3DO generated imagery. Recommended for B-movie fans and hesher gorehounds unashamed of their Running Wild posters.


Spectral Lore – Voyager (2015)

Spectral Lore uses the MacBook Pro his parents bought him to generate ambient background noise he believes is Burzum meets Dark Side of the Moon. No beats are blasted, the vastness of nature is unfelt, and no minor key riffs glass over the northern skies. The only thing this Greek leech has in common with Varg is playing Chrono Trigger. The songs and their titles resemble the background synth level music from Super Nintendo platformers like Donkey Kong Country. Voyager is the soundtrack to those V’gina speculum sequences in the porno version of Star Trek: The Motion Picture as scored by the Nintendo Entertainment System’s Robotic Operating Buddy.

Sadistic Metal Reviews 06-20-2015


Besides being on the look out for promising bands and nurture them as the future of metal, there is also a place to examine the living corpses of decadent and useless products release by the emotionally needy and artistically impaired. Sadistic Metal Reviews to put the pretentious wankers, the clueless “experimentalists” and the postmodernist “intellectuals” in their place: in line and ready to be disposed of.


Acrania – Fearless (2015)

Latin jazz deathcore featuring conga breakdowns, sax solos, bass slams, gang chants, tough guy
empowerment lyrics, and At the Gates. This is Elements with ear gauges for those who enjoy the
bongocore of later Sepultura. To improve their future releases, I recommend the band overdose on
artificial opiates cut with chemicals usually found in anti-dandruff shampoos.


Vattnet Viskar – Settler (2015)
Vattnet Viskar are screamo in the same vein as Deafheaven. On Settler they could have attempted to use careful melodies and riff progressions to emotionally convey to the listener the existential nihilism of an ordinary woman attempting to transcend her earthly existence only to be brutally splattered upon the Earth’s surface. Instead they disingenuously pander to a liberal hipster audience for whom Mayhem and Burzum are verboten by pretending to be an acceptable “black metal” band. Major scale tremolo riffs, sludgy hard rock, and hardcore breakdowns are randomly arranged in songs grounded by emotional choruses and vocal hooks. This is not shoegaze; Vattnet Viskar and Deafheaven are as far from My Bloody Valentine as they are from Darkthrone. Post-hardcore with comprehensible screeching as the primary emotional vehicle is screamo. Those who eat this album up and genuinely think it is true black metal are just deluding themselves about progressing beyond their whiny teenage musical tastes.

Gyre – Moirai (2015)
Gyre exploit the misguided nu-metal commercial revival driven by millennial ex frat boys wishing todefend their shitty taste as mall-dwelling tweens. Moirai is a nu-metal album with djent chugging and afew speed metal solos just in case a member of the target audience is the air guitar type. PreventingGyre from achieving financial success with this artistic failure is their lack of name recognitioncompared to Fred Durst and Serj Tankian. Thus Gyre are best advised to run back to the brostep clubs and never return.

Ysengrin – Liber Hermetis (2015)
Arranging simplified, slowed down Megadeth riffs around boring acoustic interludes doesn’t make for effective thrash and doom metal. Claiming to be blackened death metal as you play those riffs through distortion pedals into crappy solid state amps to get a more fuzzy than bestial guitar tone means you fail two more genres. Go listen to Rust in Peace again instead of subjecting yourself to this unnecessary career retrospective.

Nightland – Obsession (2015)
Slaughter of the Soul riffs? Check. Hit people breakdowns? Check. Random songwriting? Check. Metalcore with orchestral fluff played by guys in leather dresses is still metalcore. This time it’s just marketed toward fat Nightwish goths and frilly-shirted Fleshgod Apocalypse fans.

Cult of Fire – मृत्यु का तापसी अनुध्यान (2013)
Here Cult of Fire randomly mix stolen Bathory, Immortal, and Emperor riffs with Abba keyboards and pointless eastern music into a pathetic failure of black metal. This album is yet more proof of how easily the basic compositional requirements of the genre can escape even the most technically accomplished musicians.

Klamm – Ernte (2015)
Blackened folk singalongs played by German hipsters? This music is the result of too much cuddling and too little beatings. Dumb to the point of being exasperating, Klamm tries to fulfill ideological cliches of what both folk and black metal represent. Press stop to leave the beer hall.

Horrendous – Ecdysis (2014)
Steal Heartwork riffs, run them through a Boss HM-2 pedal, and throw in some random Journey to pad out the tracks. Contrary to the title and cover art, this pretentious pseudo-Swedeath fails to shed its melodeaf skin. The only thing this album transcends is listeners’ patience when it assumes they are intellectually disabled by building multiple nu songs from the riffs in one very popular older song called Heartwork. Horrendous prove themselves musically no better than Archenemy and far inferior to them when it comes to musical common sense.

Örök – Übermensch
Örök – Übermensch (2015)
Coming from the spiritual-minded ambient “black” metal camp, this self-absorbed music is so ego-centric it somehow manages to be unaware of its stagnancy, vacuity, it’s lack of proposal and direction. As the title indicates, rather than an excellent specimen’s product, this is more of a diva’s self-appraisal. Untermensch.

Dismember – Massive Killing Capacity
Dismember – Massive Killing Capacity (1995)
After the commercial success of Entombed’s Wolverine Blues, money-grubbing record labels pressured the rest of the big Swedish death metal bands to pander to the Pantera crowd. Dismember turned down the distortion and gazed back to seventies rockers Kiss and Deep Purple for inspiration. Unfortunately, downtuned and distorted butt rock riffs coming out of JCM 900 heads are still butt rock riffs. A few songs that rip off Dismember’s own prior good work and Metallica’s Orion make this slightly more listenable than the aforementioned Wolverine Blues but do not come close to alleviating this death ‘n’ roll turkey’s massive shitting capacity. This is Highway Star death metal.

Nebiros – VII (2015)
Mellotrons and makeup do not paint your metal black. These overlong songs are structured around
deathcore breakdowns and stolen Gothenburg riffs. This is more Heartwork for subhumans than a Pure Holocaust.

Archaea – Catalyst (2015)
One could say this sounds like Unleashed only if Unleashed were one of those deathcore bands from five years ago with the token female keyboardists. This is a stereotypical blend of polka beats, breakdowns, Gothenburg candy melodies, and keyboard leads. Listening to it makes me want to lay my head down upon the train tracks just so an overweight man in a jumpsuit embroidered with his own name will be forced to power wash my brains off to the sweet voice of Kenny Rogers.

Sadistic Metal Reviews 05-27-2015


Sadistic Metal Reviews function as your goto list for albums that should be recycled as material for making more copies of actually good music, if that’s even possible. These releases deserve no better than to be piled up and flattened by a machine. They’re wasting space and resources on completely useless, half-assed art.

Ethereal – Opus Aethereum (2015)

Playing a pseudo-symphonic black metal, Ethereal play a speed metal blanketed by racing, blasting drums with no creativity at all. The blanket comes in the form of the synth special “orchestral” effects which outline melodies on top of the repetitive music which never builds up to anything. The emphasis of the music is on how fast and brutal it is alone, in the spirit of the gimmicks of Godflesh Apocalypse. There are a few beautiful moments here and there in the album and this is the sort of candy some people will latch on to, but as an integral music work, it is of extremely sparse quality.

Mellevon – Solace (2015)

Somehow trying to unite ambient, pop “metal” and deathcore, Mellevon embarrass themselves with this blatant attempt at making pseudo-progressive music, the modern misconception of what progressive music is. The songs are driven by groovy rhythms in power chords, alternated by single-string tremolos that are just the backbones for chords (as opposed to being motifs), with a synth outlining the Epica/Nightwish – like melodies with a modern cliche “prog” twist.

Opium Lord – Eye Of Earth (2015)

Your typical sludge-like experience, this band’s music goes nowhere. It all relies on one rhythm, one riff and the pushing of this sole element by upholding how “heavy” it is. Representing one of the most superficial genres, Opium Lord give us 7 tracks with 10 riffs that are “ultra-heavy”. Get ready to headbang, brainless potheads.

Saturnian Mist – Chaos Magick (2015)

Saturnian Mist play a cheap brand of alternative metal that tries very hard to be tough and to insert “extreme” elements to sound tougher. The whole attitude of this band seems to be based on that all too common sentiment of posing at being a tough kid. The songs follow a pop format, and are based on chords with screamed lyrics on top of them. Major impact is in the contrast of certain sections. Endings are just abrupt, the songs do not lead from one clear point to another, but are rather just very messy.

Svärta – Sepultus (2015)

Ah, the black metal stereotype of flat-dynamics throughout a song have lead so many astray. With the idea tha black metal consists only on flat and intense sound repeated ad nauseam without any other aim than “Creatng atmosphere”, Svärta gives the world yet another bland modern black metal album. This band at least has the sense to be relatively consistent and they try to bring riffs back, or their main ideas at least. The lacking vision shows most clearly when they insert sections with no drums and clean guitar strums out of the blue with little relation to the rest of the song in order to create the cliche anti-climax that the unimaginative minds can summon as their only proposition.

Cold Cell – Lowlife (2015)

More pseudo black metal from the modern sludge crowd with post-metal tendencies. They try to “improve” on black metal by bringing in more clean picked chords, inserting more blank spaces in the music and forcing variety on songs. Not the kind of variety that is linked strongly within a song through different musical dimensions, but the kind of variety that results from not fucking knowing what to write and so being forced to insert whatever comes into your mind. This is not creativity, this is mediocrity.

Nightwish – Forms Most Beautiful (2015)

Representing the cheapest moves by the so-called symphonic metal bands, Nightwish makes songs with long, varied intros that vary from straight-up pop flares to the modern pseudo-prog groovy intros. Do not let anything here fool you, this is is just simple and low-quality pop music with catchy leads. The entire value fans of this music give it is reduced t “nice melodies”. It’s insulting that these people even want to sell themselves as metal. This is pop music, accept it once and for all and put all these candy-rock pop in the shelf next to Miley Cyrus.

Profezia – Black Misanthropic Elite – Moon Anthem (2015)

More intense, low-fi black metal that does nothing but ride a riff and repeat it until the band feels it has filled enough minutes. Combine this with slower tracks to create variety and you have more repetitive songs that try very hard at the same trope of “creating atmosphere” by virtue of their repetition. This is as tiring on its own as it is as a result of having heard this approach by countless other mediocre bands.

Sadistic Metal Reviews 05-26-2015


Flooding publishing news, the waves of garbage promos present an ecological problem that can only be dealt with extreme measures. A swift bombardment of napalm would suit all these studios producing garbage albums every day. Even those with high quality production are only hiding behind it. Having a crispy sound, good double bass rendering and perfect sound engineering does not make the music better when it is the equivalent of rat feces, it only makes the odor stronger and more difficult to bear.


Blunt Knife Idol – (2015)
Grindcore is the most misunderstood underground genre after black metal. The simpler something appears on the surface. Blunt Knife Idol things that if they play a groovy or a brutal riff with blast beats or racing double bass drums a grindcore song is automatically produced. Music for empty-headed “headbangers” who want to show their friends how “brutal” and “extreme” they are. Fucking rad, man.


Impurity – Into the Ritual Chamber (2015)
Hard rock with croaking vocals. Not particularly good hard rock at that. Just flat-sounding and never actually doing anything besides existing. Not as distinctive as Sarcófago, but just as bad and far blander. Sometimes, Impurity tries to give songs a twist by inserting a completely random and unrelated blasting section only to finish it with a stadium rock move… or a flute. Other songs start off with the minimalist “black metal” style and then transition into hard rock riffs. Structure-wise it is pretty unpredictable, but it’s only because there is no particular plan behind this. It does not feel like it even makes any sense, parts are just pasted to continue. Stay away from this old turd.


Khors – Night Falls Onto the Fronts of Ours (2015)
Starting out as a light, slavic-styled black rock band, Khors now play depressive alternative rock with double bass drums and black metal vocals in a manner similar to that of Swedish band Katatonia. The difference is that in Cold Khors lacked the content that Katatonia present time-efficiently in their pop-structured songs. Khors pretends to deliver little content inside long-drawn structures in the black metal manner. This makes for ambient rock that is only “atmospheric” but little else. Now they went all the way and became one more alternative-rock-with-harsh-vocals band like the previously mentioned Swedish band or like the Finnish Amorphis. Despite this, Night Falls onto the Fronts of Ours seems to reach its goal within its mainstream constraints. It does not fail, it is just rubbish mainstream music.


My Silent Wake – Damnatio Memoriae (2015)
Funny, confused, tough-guy music for fans of Sludge and the Pink Frothy AIDS approach to songwriting in “diverse” styles stitched together in self-indulgent manner. Each song here is meaningless but has a strong “attitude”. This satisfies most of the Homer Simpsons among metalheads, which is why this will have enough impact. This stretches from the idiotic to the simple music that pretends to be more refined or sensitive. My Silent Wake are a sure commercial bet for labels and a sure formula for artistic failure.


Possession – 1585-1646 (2015)
When you try to make black metal with a punk mentality, you will end up with a very long and repetitive punk song. This is NOT what primitive black metal is, folks. Like most music of its kind, and like most extreme music, this is 80% posturing, 15% music and 5% of something to say. The only reason this sort of band is given any chance is that with the commercial long tail effect the internet provides, niche tastes can be offered a product. Statistically, some clueless idiot is bound to like this heap of messy punk riffs put together by a talentless band.

Sadistic Metal Reviews 05-25-2015

In the spirit of George Carlin:

Here’s a group of musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had a medical plan that included abortion.

Bone Gnawer – Cannibal Crematorium (2015)
An assault not only on the senses as their promoters say, but on human intellect, this is lowest common denominator death metal for the Cannibal Corpse crowd who think Scream Bloody Gore is an actual classic of the genre. Produced like later Vader albums, most of the appeal this release has relies on processed vocals, guitar tone and crispy drum sound. Everything about his album screams out mental retardation and posturing. A plage on the genre, this crowd should be stirred in the direction of rap, deathcore or any brutal or violent posturing “music”.

Korsakov – Unique Remains (2015)
As their name migt suggest, yes, this is yet another Swedeath clone. But it also shares traits with the 80s speed-going-on-death of Master or Death. Unique Remains is unimpressive in any way. You will not remember it for being the worse, but it is uneventful music showing no great blunders but nothing of value either. It is merely repeating what others have said in simpler and more incomplete ways. Genuinely boring, if you want anything like this, listen to Master.

Paganland – Fatherland (2015)
Full of feeling and good intentions, this music is as endearing as it is hilarious. Using the style of magical power-pagan-black metal so popular among the slavs, Fatherland presents us with a particularly derivative, musically uneducated and melodic-hook-based music. This music is more of a folk-themed pop rock music for people who do not actually listen to metal but like to think they do.

Massenhinrichtung – Закон Збро (2015)
Another slavic band making meandering folkish-paganish-blackish metal. Too many feelings and too little thinking. This is ambient music for nationalist teenagers of the region. This becomes evident when some macho man screams are heard in rapping style along with a numetal background. And for those who fetishize eastern Europeans and their culture. This music is like a souvenir, it can be attractive because it is reminder of something else. On its own it’s quite poor. A little similar to music like Cromlech’s or Primordial, guilty pleasures for those who like epic nationalism or medieval warrior themes.

Zatokrev – Silk Spiders Underwater (2015)
Ah, more casual black metal. No, kids, black metal does not do casual. Black metal is not “cool”. Silk Spiders Underwater is repetitive alternative rock-metal with stoner inclinations. Oriented towards appearing tough, but casual. Aloof music for angsty teenagers… don’t we have plenty of this subpar shit already?