SMR – Mocking the Desperate Cries of Toiletovhell

Toiletovhell, a website created after a group of individuals were too soft for Metalsucks and their safe space politics and had to find somewhere even more pathetic to talk about metal. The aesthetics and writing style are even worse than Metalsucks and focus on self deprecating humour mixed with a lack of ability to actually understand anything they talk about. A herd like move towards inclusive and left wing politics has attracted a few other weak individuals on Twitter to constantly push around the same hilarious ideas in exchange for acceptance and “friendship” in the form of retweets. Naturally this wasn’t going to get them anymore exposure as the number of self proclaimed Black metal fans that love bands like “Dimmu Borgir” and “White Ward” yet are horrified or oblivious to the actual classics of the genre. Some time ago Joe and his cohorts had decided to attack DMU on two separate occasions that failed completely before resorting to small jabs on Twitter. After having gone through their website after their attack on DMU, I wasn’t interested in pursuing a bunch of forty year old men who had no actual musical education and a sufficient lack of political culture to be taken seriously. Yet it has come to my attention that Joe is so desperate for any kind of gossip that has called me out on his website for creating intricate sex scenarios revolving him and his wife. It’s time to flush Joe into the toilet once and for all.

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Lords Of Chaos (2019)

As the Vice Media tag came on, there was no doubt that this movie was going to be terrible. There should be no doubt that this is just a take on the rock star trope while attempting to vulgarize the events that occurred during the Black metal movement in Norway. The movie fails at simplifying the story or even narrating the legendary acts that took place in such a short time. The sets and the music are the only reliable elements in a film that features idiotic directing, non-existent acting and fabrications so far fetched that no sane human would believe them. (more…)

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Life Failure Fired from Third Rate Website

Communist, anarchist and champion of some of the worst metal to have ever been released, has finally been fired from idiotic “alternative” news outlet Vice. Kelly’s hilarious history has been well documented enough and now even her allies realize that she is a pathetic, neurotic excuse for a human being. “Grim Kim” is still delusional and believes that this is not due to her nonsensical pieces or her writing style that ressembles that of a foreigner coming to grips with the English language. Either way, this marks the end of the mainstream metal Antifa movement that has begun to attack its own heroes Behemoth in a desperate bid to keep itself going. This should be the last any of us hear of the demented crab claw lady. Good Riddance!!!

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/smr/ Sadistic Metal Reviews: Post Black Eulogy (Part 1)

[Join DMU editor Brock Dorsey on the first of a two part massacre of the soy metal sub genre that has bastaradized black metal beyond the belief!  Also, this image is an actual cover from an actual post black metal album- you can’t make this stuff up!]

Post black metal was an embarrassing sub genre of soy metal.  Built upon a foundation of either screamo, pop punk, metalcore, math rock, shoegaze, or avant-garde and fused with the most minimal touches of black metal, post black metal was a flavor of the week(/weak) trend that lasted from around 2009 to 2014.  The genre name is misleading, however, as most bands only claimed to be metal and incorporated only slight touches of metal characteristics before abandoning them completely in future releases.  As indicated by its core standard bearers being dropped by labels, performing terribly in sales and Facebook likes, and being forgotten by fans, post black metal has finally passed away.  As we lay it to rest with one final cremation in the SMR fashion, let us learn from its failings as the future looks to more traditional forms of heavy metal  to restore a once proud genre.

First, we must understand metal history to understand how such an abomination could happen, as Post-black metal followed a number of flavor of the week black metal trends and bands.  The first of these, symphonic black metal, sent many fans of the original (true) black metal genre into a frenzy with their incorporation of gothic influences.  What was to come would be much worse, however, as the soy metal bands marketed as black metal would prove to be far more embarrassing than the Victorian campiness of Cradle of Filth or the industrial meddling of …And Oceans.  The next flavor of the week black metal trend was cleverly concealed in a cloak of static, but the hipsterisms of “depressive black metal” would soon be known to the world.  Time was not kind to the legacy of Xasthur and Leviathan, both of whom are now widely panned against the metal community, as where the thousands of “bedroom black metal” clones who polluted Myspace.  With many short lived flavor of the week trends (such as “Norsecore” and “Cascadian black metal”) and bands (Kult ov Azazel, Inquisition) in between, the soy metal- black metal hybird that was post black metal was the next successful marketing scheme to deceive young and retarded metal fans alike.

Performed mostly by wealthy but useless trust fund kinds from liberal cities, post black metal was to metal as emo was to rock music: feminine, tame, and a complete and utter bastardazation.  Thus, post metal was eventually abandoned by its former fans, spat on by the metal community, dropped by metal/rock record labels, and remembered poorly by music lovers.  Much like how the rent some of its musicians was eventually cut off from their parent’s bank roll, post metal was eventually told to stop leaching off the metal community so that the genre may maintain a shred of dignity.

Brace yourselves for an infernal evisceration unlike aynthing you’ve ever seen before, because in this edition of SMR, we won’t just be sadistically reviewing albums…

 

 

we’ll be sadistically reviewing careers.

 

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