Sadistic Metal Reviews: 3-21-2017

Some bands have promise; these have veered off the road and are currently charring in a gasoline fire. Will they crawl out? Let’s find out!

Туман (Tuman) – Zuhanás (2017)
Tuman do not totally suck on first listen but Tuman riff like De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas meets Transilvanian Hunger in songs that go nowhere. Vocals sound like later, 1996 onwards nu-Mayhem when Atilla tried to toughen up his drama club vampire act except these Tuman’s vocals are ranting about something like a bad rap song. Tuman do not totally suck on first listen but they have no reason to exist and continue making records beyond imitation of their Norwegian idols. Tuman’s music makes you want to turn it off and listen to their superior influences instead. If Tuman move beyond cargo cult imitation, they could go somewhere. Right now Tuman are an imitation of an imitation. Tuman are exactly what Euronymous raged against: Tuman are trends mosh core fun.

Sacrificial Massacre – Dry Spells & Serpent Gods (2013)
Sacrificial Massacre play lame sing-along black ‘n’ roll bore metal like Diocletian if instead of writing the most generic black metal riffs they could think of off the top of their heads, stole random leads and riffs from groups like Order From Chaos. Sacrificial Massacre are also Mexican supremacists who argue for the superiority of the Aztec race with tribal rhythms with spoken word intros kinda like Kshatriya if they sucked. Cortes rocked your ancestors’ world like Brett Michaels gave groupies gonorrhea back in the eighties. Dry Spells & Serpent Gods is like nu-metal era Sepultura applied to Infamous and crust punk era Darkthrone if Sepultura had zero compositional talent instead of the Cavalera brothers and Andreas Kisser. Sacrificial Massacre need to write more memorable and unique riffs in songs that go somewhere but aren’t totally terrible fuck ups like most of the other bands in this batch though. They have potential to improve if they cared about the music more than virtue signaling to Mexican black metal fans.

Chain – Demo 2016 (2016)
Chain play New Wave of British Heavy Metal worship in songs with static riffs and catchy choruses. Chain mostly sound like Judas Priest if they weren’t inspirational. Chain need to man up and do their own thing but are competent musicians. All of their songs on this demo are around three minutes long and still become fucking boring. Try harder guys. We know you can. Don’t become like the rest of these fucking scenester losers. The Metallica riffing on “Downtown City Boys” is a start but you need to do something original for anyone to give a shit and move beyond being a local opener.

Hetroertzen – Uprising of the Fallen (2017)
Hetroertzen play lame sing along black ‘n’ roll crypto-indie crap with Atilla Csihar style operatic vocals. Songs are Mayhem meets SodomAgent Orange speed metal rock ‘n’ roll pandering. Fuck off and die with this funderground bullshit.

Barrow Wight – Kings in Saurons Service (2016)

Kill ’em All rehashed into pop rock for a hipster audience. Motorhead were Mozart compared to Barrow Wight. All of your favorite early 80s metal riffs are raped here for a drunk beer metal crowd. Kings in Saurons Service is just fucking boring bar rock pretending to be metal for idiot scenester scum.

Eternity’s End – The Fire Within (2016)
Eternity’s End play power metal mixed with techdeaf. Of course The Fire Within is a completely atonal random carnival music mess. What’s with the Emperor-like Mellotron backing the vocalist? This entire album sounds like a less aggressive version of Spinal Tap’s “Stonehenge” made into a power metal album with Megadethian leads and deathcore breakdowns for low testosterone Warcraft cosplayers.

Nan Elmoth – Void Serpent (2017)
Nan Elmoth play your typical lucky charms raw “black metal” where the overlong drone songs are simply noise rockers with random Norwegian-ish guitar candy thrown in to get black metal fans to listen for thirty seconds on Youtube or Bandcamp and pay the band ten bucks. Nan Elmoth are yet more leeches attempting to make money off of metalheads by using Darkthrone and Burzum as hooks like Miley Cyrus radio pop. Fuck off and die! Nan Elmoth deserved to be dropped off an overpass into the middle of an busy highway to be run over for their crimes against music.

Black Magick SS – Kaleidoscope Dreams (2017)
Black Magick SS are yet another hipster black ‘n’ roll band, this time pretending to be the Beatles and the Doors for Nuclear War Now! forum faggots 2 kvlt 2 listen 2 the real things. This is 60s pop music for idiots including direct ripoffs of everyone you could possibly think of. This is Jefferson Starship rasp rock for retards. Who is this aimed at? Hipsters who want to be a part of metal as metal was once great and underground and now hipsters need pop music to adopt aesthetics of every other genre of music so they can say they like that other, non-pop genre of music to virtue signal that they are cool to their cardigan and flannel wearing friends and fat women with horn-rimmed glasses. Headbangers should rightfully crucify these criminals on trees of woe. Did you know that if you nail someone to a tree in the right way, they will slowly suffocate to death over a period of a days? The ancient Persians, Greeks, and Romans figured this out! It was called crucifixion and it fucking hurt! We should bring it back and do it right unlike the Saudis and Filipinos. The nails go through the wrist you idiots! Let us test it on Black Magick SS in a form of experimental archaeology to see how they die! What if they get strokes on the cross after a few days like people who sit down too long on airplanes? Who cares? Kill ’em all!

Ascended Dead – Abhorrent Manifestation (2017)
Ascended Dead are one of those bands attempting to play a more coherent and technical version of war metal. They fail. Ascended Dead’s songs drag on for far too long and go nowhere special. All of their compositions are simply fucking boring being based around riffs that sound like a band such as Angelcorpse or Martire rejected them for being too generic. Abhorrent Manifestation is yet another generic tek or melo deaf release on Dark Descent Records but this time with Nuclear Bore Now! faux aggression so:

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44 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: 3-21-2017”

  1. Exfoliation says:

    Facebook is.going bananas! For ascend d dead, let’s see if it’s remembered in a year, like the other ground shattering releases from Mitochondrian and Horrendous

  2. Marc Defranco says:

    I like that first Hetroertzen enough but everything after is ass. I also like BMSS but yeah they are unoriginal. You know if SS wasn’t in the name not as many people would give a shit

  3. Kvädare says:

    Are Mexican supremacists*
    not are mexican supremacist

    Kshatriya*
    not Kshatirya

    I haven’t read the rest, there may be more.
    Get your act together and put in some effort.

    1. For someone who barely speaks English, you care way too much about reviews of shitty bands.

      1. Kvädare says:

        A review of a shitty band is still a use of the language.
        Try to use the language well or do not use it at all. Encourage good use by example.

        If the reviews have no value, don’t publish them.
        If they do have vaule, put in the effort.

        I speak English often.

        1. Robert says:

          *value

        2. Orogenesis says:

          Destroyed.

          1. Kvädare says:

            My articles had flawless English, which he ruined with his editing.
            I do not put effort into casual comments and do not expect him to do so either.

            1. Kvädare says:

              My casual comments still have better English than his articles.

  4. Urvas Bethud says:

    Eternity’s end is atonal??? Is there a new definition of atonality? Their music is full of very well known harmonies. Nothing atonal, nothing new, with a bad singer and average guitar solos.

    1. Yes, they are atonal as is most power metal beyond early Blind Guardian; they constant jump out of key and songs and riffs are totally random like Satyricon.

      1. Urvas Bethud says:

        Sorry but that is not atonality. Their music is completely tonal and it is boring. Please tell us what are the “tonal” rules in underground metal. Please tell us if it is possible to jump from one scale to another, from minor to major, from a key to another. Tell us how. Tell us what kind of chords we have to use: 7, 9, 11, 13, sus2, sus4, M, m?

        1. Yes it is atonality.

          1. Kvädare says:

            Switching tonal centre often is not the same as not having one.
            I haven’t heard the music though.

            1. Kvädare says:

              I know that it has a tonal centre because it is power metal. It wouldn’t be power metal without one (or several, per tune).

              1. He means a tonal center to the tonal centers. That is it; this is a simple concept but is obscured by the fact that in much of rock music, bands switch key relatively randomly and not in a way that reflects an underlying harmonic relationship between the tonal centers of different riffs to a key center or progression of those to the song as a whole.

                That being said, most power metal seems to me to be purely rhythm music.

                1. Music theory does not have any one term to describe random modulation. Atonal sort of fits.

                  1. ugh says:

                    It’s called “modal” music but yeah there is obviously no term in music theory to describe randomly switching keys because it’s not actually random, the musicians have some reason or another for making poorly-thought-out key changes.

                    Modal music lacks a tonal center. If you’re jumping from key to key then the music is necessarily tonal, no matter how many keys you use, because a key provides a tonal center.

                    Playing a lot of notes (serially or otherwise) with half-step intervals between them is not atonal either, it’s chromatic.

                    Actual atonal music is rare (probably nonexistent in metal) and includes stuff like dodecaphonic shit from Schoenberg.

                    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

                      Playing a lot of notes (serially or otherwise) with half-step intervals between them is not atonal either, it’s chromatic.

                      The point was supposed to be that ‘extending’ a diatonic scale by including some single semitone steps not usually included in it, presumably based on physical proximity on a fretboard, leads to something that’s no longer in the key of said scale. This was followed by a question you’ve chosed to evade in favour of constructing a somewhat dubious strawman: 12 tone music is considered atonal, at least for some definitions of the term, and this isn’t applicable to the example.

                    2. some guy says:

                      Some of trey azagthoth’s solos might qualify as trvly atonal

                    3. it’s not actually random, the musicians have some reason or another for making poorly-thought-out key changes

                      Again the nihilists are right: “subjectivity” and “objectivity” are broken concepts.

                    4. Rainer Weikusat says:

                      Deleting the tail end of an array by starting at some position inside of it and repeatedly downshifting the remaining tail is an algortihm whose run time is objectively proportional to the square of the number of elements to deleted. People tend to be unaware of this so hard that they usually refuse to believe in it even if confronted with the corresponding calculation.

                  2. “Sonic shitposting”?

          2. 2Pacalyptic Raids says:

            You are so far out of your depth when commenting on music that it is actually quite pathetic to see you even try. Be honest with yourself – you clearly lack even a basic understanding of the simplest principles of musical theory, and all your critiques are couched in meaningless jargon.

            You’re never going to be David Rosales; you will never have his insight into the technique behind this music. You will never be Brett Stevens; you’ll never have his grasp of the spiritual underpinning of this music. Seriously – either develop your own voice as a reviewer or cut out this fucking charade.

            Enough.

            1. Bye 2Pacalyptic Raids.

              1. Killer Satanic Priest The Necrodamus says:

                2Pacalyptic Raids Fatal Homoerotic Obituary as Tupac was gay and loved taking yoga instructors in the ass like the confused white girl with a nose piercing he mentally was:

                2Pacalyptic Raids used a super soaker as an enema in his backyard kiddie pool to clean out all the shit from eating Panera Bread that morning. He made sure to deeply inject a sturdy, silicone-based lubricant deep into his rectum to make taking the Death Metal Underground’s staff’s Aryan thunder hammer and Spanish rapier so much smoother.

                Unfortunately for 2Pacalyptic Raids when sneaking into the DMU headquarters, he met the business end of Death Metal Underground’s Romanian janitor’s splinter-ridden mop instead. Their Romanian janitor Vlad saw the intruder, assumed 2Pacalyptic Raids was a gypsy thief, bashed him in the back of the head, loaded him into his white van, and drove him out to his shack in the Texas desert.

                2Pacalyptic Raids woke to find Vlad slowly inserting a splintered mop into his lubed up man pussy. Vlad was twisting it to try to get it ever deeper. Normally 2Pacalyptic Raids would find being filled with such hard, thick wood immensely pleasurably; he usually gushed ever-flowing streams of sticky white mucus whenever his wet with fast food grease colon was stretched like a young girl in her prime. However Vlad’s mop was embedding sharp fragments of wood directly in his colon along with a few UPC barcode stickers.

                Psychologically normal humans would scream in pain but since 2Pacalyptic Raids was reading the Sadistic Metal Reviews, he was a masochist of the highest caliber. 2Pacalyptic Raids’ normal weekend activity when he was feeling like the dirty little pain slut he was was hitting on men in 1% biker bars, getting beaten bloody, and furiously masturbating at home while wearing his Ghost branded buttplug cast from the anal cavity of the former frontman of Repugnant.

                2Pacalyptic Raids moaned loudly: “Deeper! Twist it like I twist my little monkey hands while giving happy endings at the sauna!”

                Vlad was having none of this so he stabbed 2Pacalyptic Raids in the stomach with his hedge shears. 2Pacalyptic Raids winced. That was not the type of pain he was used to. his gastrointestinal track being pierced and leaking a mixer of steaming hot blood and molten excrement into his body caused him to feel an endorphin overlord and sweet release from his 3 inch wide, 1 inch long puny package1 immediately. The engorged, fleshy drink coaster leaked what looked like barfed-up cottage cheese. Vlad had never seen anything like this before in his centuries of sodomizing the weak with long wooden and iron poles.

                Vlad was disgusted. He needed to end this sodomy session using all organic methods. Rope would not do since Vlad had long sworn off drugs, refusing to ever touch hemp again as drugs were for the weak. Vlad inserted the hook end of his close-line pole2 deep into 2Pacalyptic Raids newly formed chest cunt. 2Pacalyptic Raids gasped with pleasure. Vlad pulled down, hooking the top end of 2Pacalyptic Raids’ bowels. He pulled them out, causing the fleshy drink coaster to spurt sporadically like a spent can of whipped cream.

                Vlad twisted the clothes drying pull, rolling 2Pacalyptic Raids’ intestines around it like a spaghetti fork3. Vlad used the ripped out end of 2Pacalyptic Raids’ gastrointestinal tract to hook him his throat onto the ten foot long close drying pole. 2Pacalyptic Raids’ was hung from the pole by his own bowels. His consciousness was slowly fading. His life force was spent just like his prostrate was drained. Suddenly his own pushed in shit burst through his drink coaster sized member. The police who found him thought it was the strangest thing they had ever seen: A man with a shit dick.

                1 2Pacalyptic Raids’ lot lizard mother smoking during pregnancy is what caused his congenitally deformed member and abnormal psychiatric tendencies toward receptive homosexual behavior and extreme masochism.
                2 Vlad could not afford a dryer being a Romanian immigrant living in a shack in the desert. Furthermore the concept of heating freshly washed clothes in miniature rotating ovens reminded the fresh off the boat and out of the coffin eastern block immigrant of what his crystal ball had told him would be used to incinerate the countless corpses of the gypsies, grind their bones, and scatter their ashes together in an all in one household device. This was horrifically off-putting. Vlad wished he had such an ingenious device when fighting the heathen Turks six hundred years ago.
                3 The twisted bowels ruffled 2Pacalyptic Raids’ jimmies like that dragon cloaca Fleshlight insert 2Pacalyptic Raids bought a few months ago to use at the Fur Con. That was 2Pacalyptic Raids’ best sleeve purchase ever. Too bad he and a group of six other balding overweight perverts ruined it that very night in their Furcon hotel room.

                1. Whoa Tupac was gay? Did Puffy fuck him in the ass too?
                  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_yonUlWqK4

              2. Jerry Hauppa says:

                Haha, did you ban him for exposing you, you complete pussy?

                1. He didn’t expose me. He’s a sporadic poster who will quit the site for a few months in a rage as he has done before. He probably has a dynamic IP so even if I wanted to, truly banning him would be difficult.

      2. Pop Key-Jumping is not Atonality says:

        Frequent key changes do not define atonality.
        Power metal, including the one you described as atonal, follows modern happy pop rules and it jumps from one key to another with the same effect: heightening and novelty.
        Within each section, they remain within a key.

        Atonality is something very different.
        An atonal music cannot find a central note in any locality.
        What Eternity’s End is doing is an extreme and idiotic extension of Romantic music key changes, which you can read about in theory of classical and romantic music theory in regards to tonal sections and changes, which started to get “ridiculous” with Beethoven.

        1. Rainer Weikusat says:

          There’d be a lot less useless noise on this planet if people spent 1/4 of the energy going into chastising others for misuese of terminology on trying to understand what the other party was saying …

          Take the tapping solo on the first track as an example (I’m not willing to listen to another): They guy keeps making single semitone steps (that’s how it sounds to me) which don’t belong to scale is mostly playing in. c – d – e – f – g – c would be a (simplistic) melody in C major. Assuming this was c – c# – d – e – f# – g – g# – g – f# – c – c# instead, would this be considered tonal?

          1. Jerry Hauppa says:

            Regarding the first thing you said- are you serious? You’re easily the most pedantic poster here and often try to derail someone’s argument by pigeonholing via verbal inconsistency rather than through argumentative context. Cmon dude, you rarely post with the intent of coming to mutual understanding.

            1. Rainer Weikusat says:

              Everything you believe to know about me is a wrong conjecture.

              1. Jerry Hauppa says:

                So should the blame be on my understanding of you, or the information you present publicly?

              2. ugh says:

                “I was only pretending to be retarded!”

            2. German rote thinking + autism.

  5. Rainer Weikusat says:

    Jefferson Starship is the 1970s successor of Jefferson Airplane. This seems more like someone having a really bad case of “Doug Ingle”,

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1EEViVaCs0

    NB: I listened to very little of this as this is far too horrible.

  6. GGALLIN1776 says:

    Could BallBag SS get anymore faggoty? Probably not.

    I think bacon fight’s album cover has less to do with trve kvlt & more to do with “we couldn’t find an arteest that could draw a face or eyes.

    Finally…. Does anyone know where the “And now Ladies & Gentlemen you are about to witness the cutting edge of medicine” sample came from on Aborted’s the purity of perversion?

    1. Exfoliation says:

      Aborted are like a Razorback Records band if they were successful enough to sell CDs in a mall.

  7. nigstomper88 says:

    I bet Black Penis SS aren’t even really racist. Death to false nazi rock

    1. Skull Powder says:

      National Socialism has always been about coming together and caring for one another, regardless or color, creed, or sexual identity.

  8. his balls, your chin says:

    THESE COMMENTS HAVE SO MUCH AUTISM IN THEM THAT EVEN I SENSE IT

    1. Syphilis says:

      …and so the air was filled with impenetrable autism…

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