Sadistic Metal Reviews: Speed Metal Sodomy!

metallica-metal-up-your-ass

Beer metal exists on the weekends for bored western, white collar office workers wanting a safespace where they can shoot the shit with their flanneled friends and show off their tattoos three times a month. Self-aggrandizing social metal must be impaled on an iron spike.

 

opprobrium serpent temptation
Incubus (Opprobrium) – Serpent Temptation (1988, 2016)

Everything old is getting repressed, even horrible Jesus metal that doesn’t deserve it. Jesus wept when he saw Relapse repressed this “lost gem”. All of Jesus’s favorite eighties speed metal that he got wine drunk to with his apostles in Joseph’s garage was sodomized like an altar boy. His favorite riffs were simplified so drunk Brazilians who crucify themselves as they don’t understand Catholic theology could play them. Metallica, Sodom, Kreator, Bathory, Destruction, Slayer, and Sepultura all were held down, bent over, stripped, and had their riffs forcibly tossed into salads. Jesus couldn’t think of anyone else that wasn’t defiled by Incubus in his name. “Why do they always have to break before they start blasting like Sarcofago?” wondered Jesus, pondering Incubus’s instrumental inadequacy as he hung upon the cross. Jesus wished he had approved of abortion so these Brazilians with microcephaly would never have been born. The pain and horror to his eardrums were much worse than his shoulders screaming in pain. Why hadn’t he just listened to Cogumelo’s Warfare Noise compilations again? Incubus were two additional nails in his ears. Jesus would torture all the straight-edge hardcore kids and their youth pastors who wanted to channel their passionate slam dancing onto their penises for all eternity in the lake of fire. He would sear the flesh from their faces and force them to consume their fellow sinners. As the majestic pantocrator sitting on the throne of the former sky-father Jupiter Optimus Maximus, it was he who cursed Brazil with favelas, mosquitos, and raw sewage for Incubus’s cargo-cult copying.

 

Coma Of Souls
Kreator – Coma of Souls (1990)
Frank Blackfire was the only fumes keeping Kreator going by the nineties. Jumping shit from Sodom, his riffs and leads “enlightened” Kreator from their Extreme Aggression manifested as Teutonic speed metal to a toned-down, NWOBHM made “technical” approach. This emasculation reveals every song as a verse-chorus-verse riff salad composed of riffs that can sometimes be considered clever and catchy alone by themselves but together don’t come close to anything resembling coherency. Three tracks in and you’re fucking bored and wish that annoying Mille Petroza would go back to his pizza parlor and stick his head in the oven. This proto-Heartwork polished turd is the origin of melodeaf: Euro speed metal meets whiny, post-hardcore randomnessComa of Souls has as much Pleasure to Kill left in it as Bob Dole’s limp, Viagra-less penis.

 

Malokarpatan cover
Malokarpatan – Stridžie dni (2016)
There’s not a lot to do in Slovakia except drink beer and listen to Bathory. Malokarpatan get shitfaced on Golden Pheasant every day. You know the ten-thousand hour rule? These guys definitely listened to ten-thousand hours of eighties metal while drinking. Being a hard rock band at heart, they rape Batlord in every song , constantly breaking into something Kansas could have written. Malokarpatan probably couldn’t find a good singer so they went faux black metal with the folksy Slovak schtick to appeal to hiking hipsters. Those Mercyful Fate leads are there as Malokarpatan were supposed to be djing at the metal pub. Note that the album was recorded in the cellar keg storage room with the landlord’s fish tank. Malokarpatan even pestered the barmaid into doing female voices to ape Absu and Goatlord Darkthrone! Stridžie dni is pilsner metal complete with farmer’s tan cutoffs and aviator shades in black metal bar rituals.

 

Malokarpatan promo pic

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31 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Speed Metal Sodomy!”

  1. fenrir says:

    Daniel, master of the sadistic metal review!

  2. Abominable Goatpenis says:

    Real men do their own female vocals.

    1. Robert says:

      Hahaha! Clever.

  3. gay guy says:

    That Incubus review was a work of art.

  4. Anthony says:

    Jesus Christ this site is faggy about speed metal. Coma of Souls a “verse chorus verse riff salad of riffs?” Ha ha, get the fuck out. The minor to major key shifts in the codas (the very existence of which invalidates your verse/chorus riff salad accusation) of “When the Sun Burns Red” and the title track are the logical precursor to the climax of Therion’s “The Way,” and I know I’m not the first person to notice that.

    Haven’t heard that first Incubus album. I doubt it’s as good as the Incubus that did “Engulfed in Unspeakable Horrors,” but I recall their second album Beyond the Unknown being pretty good. I’ve not heard Malokarpatan, but the fact that you panned them after wildly botching your assessment of Coma of Souls makes me want to check it out.

    Dear reader, if you also disagree with the treatment Kreator received in this review, I invite you to give these albums a listen:
    Silent Scream – From the Darkest Depths of the Imagination
    Arachnid – Arachnid
    Agony – The First Defiance

    1. fenrir says:

      BUTTHURT BOY

      Kreater was never that good.
      Their best is just passingly OK, with Merciless doing a much better jog with that one album than them throughout their whole discography.

      1. Blake Jugg says:

        Why do you italicize words when you’re not even Italian? You’re Mexican. Get outta here with that nonsense

        1. shitposter says:

          lel

        2. fenrir says:

          BOTJORT!!!

      2. Anthony says:

        “Despite these rough edges, this album trades the raw youthful spirit of their earlier works for a maturity of musicality that influenced countless bands of the coming generation (‘Terrorzone’ which borrows from Iron Maiden and the triumphant iteration of major theme in solo on ‘Coma of Souls’ was borrowed in turn by Therion on ‘The Way’). While those bands have in turn surpassed Kreator in styling and songwriting, ‘Coma of Souls’ is as much a part of the heritage of metal as monkeys are to humans.”

        Also, Merciless is boring as fuck, and metal would have been no different had they never existed. Only popular because they were on Deathlike Silence. Massacra and Mortuary innovated in a similar style and were many times more gifted.

        1. Stop taking Prozak as gospel. Metal would have been no different had Massacra and Mortuary ever existed. Both of them did nothing new; Massacra just crammed Slayer riffs together. Merciless at least wrote their own, more refined, material.

          1. Anthony says:

            Holy shit, do you really want to go down this route? Massacra unimportant? Just cramming Slayer riffs together? Show me a Massacra song where that happens. I can show you several that refute your flippant description: Apocalyptic Warriors, War of Attrition, Evidence of Abominations.

            The exact same criticism you level at Massacra could more accurately be leveled at Merciless, except that you’d have to replace “Slayer” with “Kreator,” which is ironic that you have a boner for a band that flagrantly appropriates the style of another band whom you claim to hold such disdain for.

    2. Kreator slowing down gave listeners time to think about how poorly constructed the songs were while they were listening to the songs. Kreator can’t afford to use the Sodom breakdown as a bridge.

    3. Poser Patrol says:

      Speed metal is archaic. There is no reason to listen to it when you have Death Metal.

      1. vOddy says:

        I still think Show No Mercy by Slayer is worth listening to, in addition to death metal.

        1. vOddy says:

          Do you think that Slayer (which is not death metal) is archaic? And if so, why?
          I want to know how a reasonably intelligent individual such as yourself would come to that conclusion.

          1. I blew my head off like Per Ohlin says:

            Slayer is the exception to the rule.

          2. Poser Patrol says:

            Hm, well there are some who would argue that Slayer are death metal, such as Fenriz (see his black metal university video on youtube) and even perhaps even Prozak (look at their categorization in the DLA).

            That being said, I do not agree with that idea. And as I get older, the more I seem to agree with AK-47’s assessment below. Slayer were an essential stepping stone in the progression from speed metal to death metal, but they are simply outclassed by their successors in every way. To be specific, they are limited by both their small repertoire of technique as well as tonally bland riffs, two areas in which death metal eclipsed them.

            I do still like South of Heaven though, maybe because it’s just as much heavy metal as it is speed metal.

            1. vOddy says:

              A genre’s quality can be measured in how likely it is for music within said genre to be good, but a music piece’s quality is not measured in which genre it belongs to. It is measured based on its own intrinsic nature.

              Rock, for example, is capable of producing good music. But it’s very rare. Thus, metal, overall, is superior to rock. Yet, the best of rock is better than the worst of metal.
              Death metal produces a higher number of good works.
              Speed metal / Thrash metal doesn’t produce as many masterpieces as death metal, but they do occur rarely.

              So when we get a rare thrash / speed metal gem like Show No Mercy, we should honour it as such.

      2. fenrir says:

        Best and most relevant comment here.

      3. ‘cept for Slayer and Rust in Peace. DISCHARGE MUH PAYLOAD… all over ya face!

  5. AK-47 says:

    I can’t listen to Slayer’s cartoon evil, predictable, interchangeable riffs without thinking about bros and football. They’re as boring as the rest of those shitty thrash bands, except they achieved fame by being first and so influenced all the death and black metal bands who went on to create music on a vastly higher level of depth and artistry. Admittedly I doubt extreme metal would exist if Slayer weren’t around but that’s a happy accident and they should’ve been reduced to something of academic interest when all the truly good stuff came around 5-10 years after their heyday. If an alien asked you to present the best and most advanced metal you wouldn’t hand him a Slayer album.

    1. vOddy says:

      I would show them the journey, not just the destination (are we even at the end now?) so that they could understand how humans think, learn, and build upon the creations of past generations.

      1. vOddy says:

        But since I was in fact asked to present the “best and most advanced”, that’s what I’d do. Nevermind. Heh.

    2. ObscureMonk says:

      What’s wrong with bros and football are you some liberal feminist or something? If you can’t understand the masterpiece known as Hell Await I suggest quitting metal completely.

      1. hypocrite says:

        He only listens to Helloween and Dream Theater. You wouldn’t get it.

        1. ObscureMonk says:

          Hahahaha!

  6. David Rosales says:

    Proper appreciation of slayer flies over most heads. It’s like Celtic Frost, many think they get it because it is older and simpler, or so they think. Neither Hell Awaits nor To Mega Therion are ever going to be outdated. Their historical relevance aside, they have an atemporal quality.

    They also illustrate the esoteric concept very well. The treasures are there, in plain sight. It can be enjoyed by the beer buddies, but only a few worthy minds really capture the whole spectrum of their music.

    1. Son of the Damned says:

      I totally agree.True classics are never about to become “archaic” or “something of academic interest”,in spite of any subsequent development it may occur in its own genre environment or in related genres.

  7. Fekal Trophy – Staph Infection 2016

    Fekal trophy is vigoriously back this year, but this time with assimilated influences from death/black/speed metal pionneers like Sarcofago and Mystifier, but with an added a modern twist very similar to avant-garde connoisseurs like AIDS-skrillex, Empyrium and RooshKreator. The drums stand in their place as triumphant hammers of war, and the bass is nice and good motherfucker, truly meaning that metal is still alive and stronger than ever. What else can be said that there’s a shitload of awesome parallel riffing here enough to give Donald Trump’s hair a viking-afro and your bunghole a magnet to ghetto-BBC’s. This isn’t textbook material (see our last sadistic reviews about anal cheese ejaculation), but highly advanced songwriting rivalling even that of Philip Glass and Gustav Mahler. Where Tranny Palsy failed last year to deliver in rhythmic tension and percussive complexity with their album “Prolaptik seizures”, Fekal Trophy certainly delivered and then some – even better than Profanatica – Thy Cuckdom Cum – they flow like an orgasmic fountain of acne implosion from a hemophiliac hippo’s singular macro-pimple’s domain. So with this fine release, these pipe smoking Mohammedan sex warriors put another transcendental halal fist in the face Christianity.

    – Brett Rosales Maraat

    1. hypocrite says:

      With a little more effort and some proofreading, that might actually have been funny.

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