COVID-19 Only Attacks When We’re Having Fun, Scientists Reveal

COVID-19 — the bizarre virus from Wuhan, China that is part HIV, part bat flu, and part pure demonic evil — only attacks when we are having a good time, scientists have revealed. This necessitates the closing of all bars, pubs, restaurants, concert venues, and record stores, but not tax offices, tire shops, or proctologists.

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Seeking A More Dangerous Name, MS-13 Re-Brands As COVID-19

As the sun goes down over this Los Angeles neighborhood, shouts rise up from the young men gathered behind a local import-export business. “Chupa mi cabra, pendejo! ┬┐Adónde vas, pinche cabrón?” Laughter and the clink of bottles follows. This is the nightly meeting of the local chapter of the “Mara Salvatrucha” gang, commonly known as MS-13.

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CDC Announces Self-Immolation As New Protocol For COVID-19 Infection

Moments after denying that the United States has gone into full panic over COVID-19, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Director Robert Redfield announced a new protocol to permanently eradicate the coronavirus from America. “We must protect the uninfected, and the best way to do that is for the infected to commit violent suicide,” he said.

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That Glorious “I Believe In The Dark Lord” Sample From Necrophobic “Unholy Prophecies” (The Nocturnal Silence)

Every now and then, someone says (or writes) something so inane that the only proper response seems to be to quote the archly disturbing rant sampled in Necrophobic “Unholy Prophecies” from their 1993 melodic Swedish death metal album The Nocturnal Silence which goes something like this:

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Profanatica Attacks Nu-Black Poseurs For Fear Of COVID-19

Paul Ledney of Profanatica/Havohej presents one of those personalities who navigate the world by gut instinct but generally uncover more than they know at the time. Much as in his black metal career, in his role as cultural critic of the black metal scene, Ledney put his finger on the rot at the heart of the community with recent comments on the COVID-19 panic or pandemic.

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Coronavirus Mainly Killing Off Soy Fruit City Dwellers And Leftists (Darwin Chuckles)

Metal exists in part to explain an insane world in a way that will not drive us insane, with starts by acknowledging that everything that groups of humans think is order is chaos, the “chaos” of nature is in fact an intense order, and that we are not insane for noticing that humanity is insane and needs a 2×4 to the head to wake up.

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