#MetalGate: Bestial Evil Reunite For All Three of Their Fans and Lovers

bestial evil's fans

Shawn Wright and what remains of Baltimore social justice warrior crustcore band Bestial Evil USA have apparently decided to reunite according to their Fuckbook page:

So after much thought on behalf of Myself, Nicky T and the Fans, WE have decided we are not done. We have put too much into this. All of you that wanna slander bring it! We return with an all new line-up! \m/ that’s right!!!!!

Bestial Evil have reunited for all three people who thought that Infectious Cross was a commendable work of antifascist, genderfluid propaganda. Only three as the redheaded furry on the right wandered in drunk from the Baltimore Comic-Con thinking the Sidebar was a Chuck E. Cheese. He was disappointed that even though Bestial Evil claim to be bisexual, no band member would put on the cowsuit and reem his rectum with the cryogenic feces. Now that token black “bi-sexual” (sic) guitarist Kevin Rucker‘s two foot long, “ritual fecal phalli” are gone, how will Bestial Evil possibly attract the coprophiliac crust punks yearning for authentic black shit out of a black-skinned man?

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12 thoughts on “#MetalGate: Bestial Evil Reunite For All Three of Their Fans and Lovers”

  1. anal wax says:

    Give these bitches some time, the good old AIDS angel will redeem and reap them in no time into SJW-Valhalla like many others. A place ruled by magical transgendered furries and spastic feminist whales. A place where black semen and feces flow like wine. It’s also where the prophet Mohammed and his little boy harem resides.

    May their elbow-deep fists plunge deep into each other’s gloryholes.

  2. Ggallin1776 says:

    The cross they have isnt so much infectious as it is scuzzy because they butt fuck eachother with it.
    Do you think that pbr sign is one of their personal hipster props?

    1. Guest Contributor says:

      Bestial Evil are well known to sodomize themselves with ice-cold PBR and Natty Boh tall boys and drink the frothy, cornhole water suds from each others’ buttholes.

  3. C.M. says:

    Is Shawn Wright actually Prozak’s illegitimate son irl? That would explain all these brutal write-ups; I’d be disappointed in my offspring as well. Otherwise I don’t get it.

  4. Ludvig B.B. (vOddy) says:

    I feel sorry for Shawn :(

  5. Shawn Wright says:

    Well, at least I’m in a death metal band, what are you losers doing anyway? At least I´m living the dream, what have you ferrets achieved in life so far? Now, if you act fast and review them Ungod and Dark Funeral I´ll cut you some slack.

    tender kisses in your buttcheeks


    – Shawn

    1. Weltmacht says:

      Review of Dark Funeral’s “Where Shadows Forever Reign”:

      For those who enjoy aggressive metal in the melodic version of old school, this is a release that will gratify with its unflagging devotion to rhythmic stimulation with the replacement of harmony through melodic phrases that conclude in diminishing or leading phrases, a wandering tendency that allows the rest of the band to move in absolute motion of rhythm in construction of the song structure. The lack of larger focus to the melodic potential this band showcases in celebration of several generations of metal (Metallica, Emperor, Sacramentum) doesn’t damage the motivational power of these songs, but does reduce competition to a linear passage that is less contrapuntal than a single dimension of reality moving between its poles.

      This is actually just the last paragraph of a DLA review for another Dark Funeral album, but since they all sound the fucking same, I can’t really imagine how any other review would look.

      Haven’t heard the new Ungod album yet…if it’s anything like their older stuff, I’m sure it’s ok.

      1. Ludvig B.B. (vOddy) says:

        “This is actually just the last paragraph of a DLA review for another Dark Funeral album, but since they all sound the fucking same, I can’t really imagine how any other review would look.”

        Hehe, you got me.

  6. Weltmacht says:

    I’m happy for them. It’s good for newer bands to have an ongoing example of what not to do. And I mean that from the standpoint of how a band presents itself to potential listeners without even considering the actual artistic merit of what they’re doing (which I can’t judge since I’ve never listened to Bestial Evil). It’s amazing that there are musicians who have literally murdered other people who do not even approach the level of insanity of this band.

  7. LostInTheANUS says:

    This band is like a teenage girl who can’t make up her mind which dress to wear to the prom, only two magnitudes more insane.

  8. Rainer Weikusat says:

    I fear unless you get rid of the guy with the mike, not much will come out of this as he’s really Florence Foster Jenkins reborn. There’s some not entirely uninteresting stuff in the lead guitar but that’s more than buried by the dual attack of the vocalist and the sleepwalking metronome effect in the background. For comparison: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUKvK_B3F5Q (that’s the ‘newer and much infected by beautyiness’ thing I wanted to link to in an earlier comment). Or, for people who can take yet more melody, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMRyXmpeN6M.

    Of course, not enacting a realistic simulation of a post-op brain donor would also help. Very bluntly but, people will take shit about you no matter what, especially if you’re suspicious of lingering non-conformism and trying to conform more aggressively won’t help. Almost the first place were I was openly ‘asked’ if I didn’t know that some people weren’t exactly fond of foreigners was – ha ha ha – the Antifa etcetera place.

  9. morbideathscream says:

    Commendable work of antifascist, genderfluid propaganda. Hahaha I about died laughing when I read that sentence.

    Shawn Wright has returned with an all new cast to provide us with more slapstick comedy.

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