Sadistic Metal Reviews: Taste the Rainbow!

rainbow shit

Coming soon to a used CD bin near you!

dead war triumph of death
Dead War – Triumph of Death (2016)
Boring blackened deathcore bullshit. Dead War want to be a badass “Take no prisoners, take no shit” metal band like Eighties Megadeth but they suckled at the teet of mediocrity. More Lame Puker than Bolt Thrower. I’m going to fart. My ass is warm after that fart. What a pleasant fart. So much more enjoyable than Triumph of Death.

arktogaa Blood for Wotan
Arktogäa – Blood for Wotan (2016)
More hardcore masquerading as black metal played by skinheads who identify with Quorthon and Varg’s nationalism. This isn’t as lame as Dead War or want to make me stab someone though. These guys aren’t complete musical numbskulls like three-fourths of what ends up in the DMU mailbox but nobody is going to listen to this more than twice. Nobody will pause this recording when they go to get another beer. Blood for Wotan is just yet another unexceptional hardcore punk / black metal hybrid with Nazi lyrics and samples. There’s no reason to waste your time seeking it out or listening to it.

tennger cavalry mountain side
Tengger Calvary – Mountain Side (2016)
Mountain Side is a lame hybrid of Mongolian folk music, the soundtrack to Bugs Bunny Nips the Nips, metalcore breakdowns, butt rock riffs, and galloping riffs so lame, that not even nu-Absu and Arch Enemy have bothered using them yet. Nobody is left undesecrated. Genghis Khan would light these guys on fire to prevent the spread of HIV in Mongolia.

age of agony for the forgotten
Age of Agony – For the Forgotten (2016)
Another hybrid of Bolt Thrower, Asphyx, and Carnage. Sound like War Master? Yep but not nearly as good. Age of Agony’s songs are mostly riff salads, too long, and the rhythm riffing is too bouncy at times almost resembling Unleashed’s polka. Most of their good rhythm riffs are knockoffs of Bolt Thrower and Asphyx ones too. Changing one note doesn’t hide your plagiarism. This would be effective beer death but nobody judged music by how many beers they can crush with their forehead while headbanging to it. Even then you’re going to raise your eyebrows at the utter lack of riff glue on display in these verse-chorus-verse bangers. Age of Agony would never pass muster in 1992, just like Hail of Bullets, they would only be fit as local opener for Benediction.

aggressive mutilator crushed by tyranny
Aggressive Mutilator – Crushed by Tyranny (2012)
Blackened dad metal meets the Ramones. I am going to go sedate myself with alcohol. Let’s do brandy for the next album.

apoptosis monument of ignorance
Apoptosis – Monument of Ignorance (2016)
Generic grindcover crossovered with speed metal. I believe I have heard all these riffs and songs before. Do you know what feels great inbetween your fingers? Poop! So dirty, so mushy, so tasty.

cranial engorgement prelude to horror
Cranial Engorgement – Prelude to Horror (2016)
Prelude to what? The horror of Cranial Engorgement’s music? Yes it is horribly, horribly boring brutal death metal. Grave if Grave bashed their heads against trees in the woods for fun and were willing to suck dicks to get on Unique Leader. Next.

garroted nyarlahotep
Garroted – In the Court of Nyarlathotep (2016)
Garroted, you need to actually write riffs guys. Those riffs need to go in songs. This is metal, this is not your garage practice jam session. Stop pretending the product of your wanking is Demilich or Gorguts. Throw your jizz tissues in the trash and take the trash out before your alcoholic dad finds them next to his Vaseline and belts you.

dawn of disease worship the grave
Dawn of Disease – Worship the Grave (2016)
Grave meets In Flames in more rehashed Swedish death metal. How about everyone who wants to ripoff Gothenburg bands buy shotguns and blow their heads off like Dead from Mayhem? Fellating shotguns would be more hygenic than fellating each others penises after the homosexual daisy chain. Hot lead facials for everyone!

Updated Album Art
Texas Hippie Coalition – Dark Side of Black (2016)
Pantera meets Papa Roach. Piss enemas.

victorian whore dogs
Victorian Whore Dogs – Afternoonified (2016)
Riffless shit sludge for idiots with ear gauges and split tongues. Shoot them all.

acanthrophis_-_twilight_of_the_vanquishers_reign
Acanthropis – Twilight of the Vanquisher’s Reign (2016)
I AM THE FUCKING VANQUISHER MOTHERFUCKERS! I VANQUISH POON FOR THE ANTI-COSMIC GODS! DUMB BITCH LIBATIONS FOR AATHIEL! BOO YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS! OOH I VANQUISHED THAT PUSS IN FIVE SECONDS! OH YEAH BITCH YOU GOT VANQUISHED! GIRL I VANQUISHED THUNDERFORCE III ON THE SEGA GENESIS IN AN HOUR AS I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING VANQUISHER! THIS TECH DEATH VANQUISHES YOUR MOTHER! WHAT’S MY NAME? THE MOTHERFUCKING VANQUISHER MOM! MOM DO I HAVE TO CHAIN YOU TO THE RADIATOR AGAIN? I ALREADY KEEP YOU LOCKED IN THE FUCKING CLOSET. DON’T MAKE ME TIE YOU TO THE WATER HEATER AGAIN! YOU DON’T WANT TO GET THIRD DEGREE BURNS AND HAVE ME RUB MY DICK OFF ON THEM AGAIN DO YOU? DO YOU? SHOVE YOUR FACE ON THAT DICK MOM! THIS PUSSY BLACK METAL DOESN’T WORK AT REAL GIRLS AT THE GOTH BAR SO I HAVE TO FUCK YOU MOM AS I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING VANQUISHER! YOU KNOW WHAT THE TWILIGHT OF MY REIGN IS? WHEN YOU SWALLOW THAT ANTI-COSMIC CUM MOM! SLURP IT DOWN MOTHER IF YOU WANT TO GET BACK TO THE QLIPHOTH AS I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING VANQUISHER!

dead wax bodies

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64 thoughts on “Sadistic Metal Reviews: Taste the Rainbow!”

  1. Wrawn Shite says:

    You mentioned Benediction… I’ve never listened to them. Are they good? Are they death metal? What’s their best LP (if any)? Thanks guys.

    1. LostInTheANUS says:

      They’re pretty mediocre, honestly.

    2. C.M. says:

      They are actually a bad band. Not offensively bad like these featured here in the SMR but numbingly generic and uninspired. Actually I would rather listen to Dead War and Garroted than any Benediction.

    3. Nuclear Whore says:

      Of course they are good you heathen! I encourage “Dark is the season”.

      (mum they messed with Bolt Thrower again ;_; do something mum)
      (no, grow up!)

    4. sdwefrgbtnhyjm says:

      Benediction are the kind of band that would be called a ‘forgotten classic’ these days – meaning a band that was deservedly forgotten. Mediocre, unexceptional.

    5. Karolis Gimbutis says:

      Mediocore. Don’t bother you won’t miss anything.

    6. Wrawn Shite says:

      Cool. Just curious though — Benediction are a shitty version of which bands?

  2. Ggallin1776 says:

    A peacock plate on an album cover? Guess these guys rebel by stealing mom’s good china then dressing up in fur & leather while threatening to smash said plate if their allowance isn’t increased so they can afford that sweet game of thrones poster in hot topic.

    1. Wrawn Shite says:

      You fucking RACIST. Tennger Cavalry are straight outta Mongolia, where my niggas don’t HAVE Hot Topic. Just bootlegs of “Seventh Son of the Seventh Son”, “Ram it Down”, and mad props from Chthonic.

      1. Ggallin1776 says:

        Not my fault dirty mongrels lack modern amenities.

        1. Smart Man: I work for my people and their future, in part by excluding all others!

          Pantera Man: Yeah, I hate darkies too!

          Raging Realist: People are what they are and I will not varnish the truth, but I recognize when it is necessary to speak it, and when it is not. Otherwise, I stand with Smart Man.

  3. Acanthrophis says:

    Strongly disagree with the Acanthrophis review. The record is clearly about Golden Axe, not Thunder Force III. You weren’t even in the right genre of games, man.

    1. Lyrical themes don’t matter when your autistic Sega Genesis music is shit.

      1. Acanthrophis says:

        Nothing of what you say holds water, and you’re clearly a pale imitator of former writers here but with shit taste. Take your dick out of your hand when you attempt to preen yourself on this site and learn to properly dissect music, because there hasn’t been a single contribution you’ve made here since you’ve been in control that didn’t come off as masturbatory, mad-at-your-dad fluff that proves you’re a living joke that’s utilizing a once proud site to ego-boost instead of promote music. You’re easily the shittiest editor that’s been in control here, seemingly hired on just because of a spiteful worldview but lacking the proper knowledge to funnel it through. It’s cripplingly sad, and paints you as an insecure dolt who no one will read an article from and try to gain a musical understanding through.

        1. You’re the one who chained his mother to a radiator so his friends can irrumate her while making Gothenburg metalcore a decade too late to cash in.

          1. Acanthrophis says:

            My the one what? Are you sure editing is your bag, man?

            1. Are you sure music is your thing? You seem to have consistently failed at it. If you don’t want to become a bag man on the street, you should probably listen critically to how the influences synthesized by Nödtveidt were organized themselves: Led Zeppelin, Judas Priest, Paul Di’Anno Maiden, and pre-incarceration Emperor for start.

              1. Acanthrophis says:

                What about them? How about instead, you tell me exactly how I have “failed at music,” how the record is “metalcore” or where the record has concrete faults in detail? Without being rooted in personal opinion, what are the album’s shortcomings, in records to structure and style, and why? Does the album paint a concrete message? Do the songs have themes that make themselves self-evident without being muddled by unnecessary segments? Do the songs tell a story through build, climax and resolve, and does the album as a whole likewise do the same?

                Spend time on what graces your desk, make accurate judgments before critiquing and do so with as little influencing your own desire to self-fellate as possible. Being at the helm of this site is a position of great privilege, so take responsibility and pride in yourself when you write something. I’ll be making records long after you stop writing here, and regardless of the opinions toward my work, few will say I don’t pay immense attention to detail toward depicting my stories in what I compose. Will they say the same about you?

                1. Slowly You Niggaz FROT says:

                  Christ, bro — harping so much on Daniel Maarat. I think his SMR of you was meant to be a quick impressionistic snippet. You got gently praised by Brett Stevens in your own damn article >>> http://www.deathmetal.org/news/acanthrophis-releases-twilight-of-the-vanquishers-reign/#more-24610

                  Just let it rest at that!

                2. C.M. says:

                  Oh shit, Daniel just got SMR’d…

  4. Ludvig B.B. (vOddy) says:

    Why use nazism? Hitler was a Christian. These people are clearly anti Christian.

    I understand that they agree with Hitler on some points, like one race for one nation, but if I was a nationalist and a racist, I wouldn’t use nazism because of its Christian baggage.

    Check out positive Christianity for the weird variant of Christianity that Hitler was in favour of.

    1. LostInTheANUS says:

      Tell that to Himmler, the original LARPagan

    2. Anonymous says:

      Hitler promoted Christianity in public and mocked it in private. Wow, who would have thought that Hitler would be dishonest about something.

  5. anal wax says:

    V0ddy please stop posting, you’re a dumb shit.

    1. Ludvig B.B. (vOddy) says:

      Why?

      1. Ludvig B.B. (vOddy) says:

        Can I at least suck your cock ? =(

        1. LostInTheANUS says:

          That’s not how you will move up in the world, dumpling. Now bend over.

        2. anal wax says:

          Of course you can suck my cock V0ddy.
          You’re a cute twink even though you’re a dumb shit.

          1. Ludvig B.B. (vOddy) says:

            nigga you gay

  6. I blew my head off like Per Ohlin says:

    Why did you have to ruin my love for skittles with that image?

  7. Roger says:

    Bravo

  8. Banana Joe says:

    Death Metal Underground…… hahahaha, this Sadistic Metal Reviews = 0 , an idiot who wrote it!

  9. SadoCritter says:

    Hi Daniel, it’s all good, not everyone can like the same things, although I thought we would get a fair trial even if it was terrible.. After reading the very immature and trite review on our EP, I had a glum feeling for a couple seconds, partially because of the retarded anonymous 3rd graders choice of words. Even though your website is notorious for tearing up people’s work and wiping their asses with it (and articles on trendy hipster garbage like perique tobacco and tech-geek microbrews), there was still a glimmer of hope that someone there might like what we are doing, oh well. Perhaps if someone said our music was ‘bullshit’ to my face, they would be met with physical violence, so it is better for the critics to cower in back of their laptops at the coffee shop. The bottom line is that sucky album or not sucky album, MOST of your writers hide behind the veil of internet faux anonymity, slamming other people’s work from a distance to satisfy their cynical need to sound creative and funny and for primarily their own amusement. What the fuck have you ever done with your life other than trash on other peoples bands that may or may not suck? In our review, the writer openly admits to preferring hot ass pleasures which was expected. You could all do something creative with your time and contribute to something but then you would open yourselves up to criticism and that might crush you… So instead just keep wanking off and musicians will do the actual work for you to shit all over. Maybe some day you and your staff will wake up and it will be 1992 again.
    !!!

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      Ehh … you do realize that posting this anonymously makes the rant kind-of self-defeating, do you?

      1. SadoCritter says:

        great point man you should run for governor

        1. Chris Farley is my dad says:

          He does have a point on the whole anonymous thing but we’re all basically anonymous here, but it doesn’t ruin what he’s saying.. This reviewer drags all these bands through the mud cuz he’s a asshole. Seems like a lot of the writers dislike almost everything. What’s the point of reviewing if you just hate everything? Typical interwebs bitch fest. I liked the dead war record. Track 2 and 6 are killer

    2. Ludvig B.B. (vOddy) says:

      “Perhaps if someone said our music was ‘bullshit’ to my face, they would be met with physical violence”

      That’s truly pathetic, regardless of whether your music is bullshit or not.
      I would say this to your face.

      1. SadoCritter says:

        Then you’re a fuckin dick

        1. Ludvig B.B. (vOddy) says:

          I don’t assault people who say that my music is bullshit. I am less of a dick than you.

          1. homeless kid@@@? says:

            If you don’t like someone’s performance don’t clap, just go outside or have a drink. You don’t go up to them and say your music is bullshit. That’s why this scene is collapsing, no fucking respect for your brothers. The review for dead war was childish and the whole ‘sadistic reviews’ page is just an outlet for these geeks to trash talk. I’d choke a bitch out to for saying that shit too!! +1 sado

            1. Ludvig B.B. (vOddy) says:

              This is a site that reviews music.
              They are allowed to have unfavourable opinions of music that they review.
              It’s not the same as seeking someone out just to tell him that his music is bullshit.
              But, even if someone did that to me, I wouldn’t assault him for it. Physical violence should be reserved for worse things.

        2. theheaviestbanjo says:

          Hey don’t worry about it go hug it out with your bros.

        3. SadoCritter says:

          I was kiddin all along guys. But really, I`m kinda horny and need some juicy cock up my ass, any takers ?

          1. SadoCritter says:

            hahaha!!! That guy is impersonating me, but cleverly. We can all call each other gay

          2. SadoCritter says:

            And by the way, I do stand by my comment about saying all that stuff to my face, you slandering little coward. In the words of Phil Anselmo:

            Run your mouth when I’m not around
            It’s easy to achieve
            You cry to weak friends that sympathize
            Can you hear the violins playing your song?
            Those same friends tell me your every word

            Walk

            1. C.M. says:

              LMFAO!

            2. SadoCritter says:

              Listen guys, I am sick of my life okay? I`m tired of bagging groceries and being told I am a faggot loser. If you guys can’t be considerate to my feelings and make me feel good for being part of a scene where we are all supposed to be brothers and sisters then, what’s the point of anything? I was born in the wrong body okay? I should have been born a girl but God robbed me from that too. So here I am crying these tears looking for validation and what do I get? You meanies. Pout pout fuck you.

            3. Kermit the Fucking Fuckface Frog says:

              Okay, you win. You are the best troll, hands down.

            4. Run your mouth when I’m not around
              It’s easy to achieve
              You cry to weak friends that sympathize
              Can you hear the violins playing your song?
              Those same friends tell me your every word

              These sound like lyrics from a later Death album…

            5. Rainer Weikusat says:

              People making threatening noises are always around.

    3. Vigilance says:

      For as much as I hate doing SMRs and tend to avoid them, I will do them for music that at least inspires some greater observation. Otherwise it’s an exercise in potty humor which is in all good fun but does nothing to assuage my autism. So consider your treatment and the implications that has for your music.

  10. SadoCritter says:

    Then again, any publicity is good publicity, I would rather put myself out there and get sneered upon as opposed to never trying at all. Dead War is proud of our first release, Fuck the haters.

    1. theheaviestbanjo says:

      Problem with Dead War, aside from a shitty name (and everything else), is that you aren’t haters.

  11. Steve says:

    Bolt Thrower is a very good band in terms of the early 90s DM.

    Dead War very tight and punchy rhythm-wise, and reflect a classic 90s style. Good production and solid playing all-around.

    1. Rainer Weikusat says:

      If this wasn’t intended as an attempt at lo fi for a stylistic reason which escapes me, the production is pretty sucky. I’ve listened to three tracks. They’re all post-modern, that is, composed of parts which don’t fit together picked up elsewhere. I found three: Some clear, acoustic-guitar style melody playing conveying an atmosphere of vague melancholy which seemed rather simple (I could probably learn how to play that and I used to be a miserable guitar player), some mid-paced 1980s-style thrash I’d describe as Pantera covering Megadeth (I’ve dug up some current Megadeth for this. I never liked them but here, it was like being released from a cat box into a bright sunny day) and a pretty generic blast beats with all toppings part.

      Nietzsche (always good for a sound bite) regards having no style or just a mix of different style as indicator of barbarism (how the ancient Greeks understood it). Aiming less high, I just don’t like it: Make up your mind what music you want to play and then do it. Doing this well requires amalgating different influence into a new whole instead of duct-taping interestingly coloured splinters.

      Anonymous threats of violence are an interesting sales stragey and in line with that, I agree to spend whatever money I might have available for this on something else.

  12. CHUCK DEATH says:

    Not to mention your epic fail at spelling the first word in your fart review. CRITIC FAIL.

  13. CHUCK DEATH says:

    I recant my original comment. Spelling is fine; the critic’s use of English is juvenile. Thank you Steve for the nice comment.

  14. CHUCK DEATH says:

    Daniel, I don’t believe you actually listened to our whole EP. Your Megadeth reference is wrong in dating the song you suggest we want to be. Yes, you have evoked a negative cloud, but I don’t believe you have any true bassis on your conclusion.

  15. Rainer Weikusat says:

    The Garrotted thing was pretty cool. I could spend more time listening but I absolutely MUST do something against these rats in the w^W^W^Wall these dirty dishes. Life’s usually prosaic.

  16. Billy Foss says:

    Thunder Force III is a fine game.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZpGeehryl4

    1. C.M. says:

      Agreed! Would rather listen to shmup background music than any of the stuff reviewed here.

  17. Tormentor says:

    As a representative of Garroted, we cordially thank you for this free promotion, and await the inevitable recanting of these words as your consciousnesses are inevitably scourged into oblivion by the necrocosmic chaos that is to come.

    Have fun hyping up that there Birth AD though!

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