Hipsters Discover That Black Metal Musicians Are Bad

Another scandal!  Yes folks, for the fourth time in the past two or three weeks, hipster journalists and fake metal fans are shocked and appalled that a black metal musician has done something immoral.  Despite black metal being a music genre for 30 years, smelly neckbeard losers and dreadlocked trust fund crusties are figuratively (though literally in some cases) throwing their own feces every time they catch a mid-tier black metal musician doing something not socially acceptable.  This time, the horrific act came from Marduk, whose purchasing of German World War II merchandise from a sketchy online retailer made them too evil for a fest called Stockholm Slaughter (who apparently think slaughter is cool, but just not when it pertains to 1940s Europe).

Because millennials are too dumb to learn any history that doesn’t involve student loans, let’s quickly look back and see if any criminal or immoral things were done by the original black metal bands.  Maybe there’s something that we can learn from  that fateful 1990s Norwegian scene:

Band                   Criminal/Immoral Act

Burzum                Murder, violating parole with a shitload of explosives, arson, Nazism, white supremacy

Dimmu Borgir    Using the N word in an interview/proclaiming the desire to genocide Africans

Emperor              Hate crime murder of a homosexual, arson

Gorgoroth           Rape, battery and torture, violation of Poland’s animal rights laws, homosexuality

Immortal             Arson

Mayhem              Murder, 2nd degree murder, arson, public mutilation, trashing hotels

Satyricon            Rape, arson, rape

Thorns                2nd degree murder

I’m sorry to break this to everyone living in a liberal bubble, but a painfully obvious truth exists:  black metal musicians are bad men.

(more…)

90 Comments

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

¡So Woke! Decibel Mag Goes Full Soyboy

Decibel Magazine has miraculously erased three decades worth of credibility by posting the most embarrassingly tearful editorial that metal journalism has ever seen.  It is impossible to read damn the thing without formulating the mental picture of a balding, big breasted obese man in his 40s watching CNN with his even more obese tattooed wife as both cry their eyes out at the far-left propaganda being spewed out at them. 

(more…)

38 Comments

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Goatlord guitarist accused in double murder

goatlord_-_band_photo

Guitarist Joe Frankulin from doom-black metal band Goatlord has been accused of murdering Jennifer Donoso and her 7-year-old son, Lex, in Las Vegas on September 29. According to local news reports, the murders capped off increasing erratic behavior by Frankulin.

One of those neighbors says that Frankulin seemed to come unraveled over the past six months, becoming increasingly interested in hanging out with the neighborhood kids.

“The last six months he kind of gave me a really eerie feeling,” Ermilio said. “Like the way he acted. His demeanor. He would always be around children.”

Ermilio added that Frankulin was a member of a local Doom Metal band called Goatlord. According to the band’s Facebook page, they were active from 1986-97.

While Goatlord experimented in the primitive and unstable sound of bands who wanted to be like Venom but with visible derangement, its previous footnote to history stood at only the production of a few albums enjoyed by some diehard fans (and claimed to be enjoyed by even more posing tryhards) for their erratic atmosphere. With Frankulin’s arrest, the future of the band and its legacy remain in doubt.

1 Comment

Tags: , , ,

Classic reviews:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z