Metallica – Hardwired… to Self-Destruct (2016)

Review contributed to Death Metal Underground by the Peckerwood Boys. The audio review may be heard here.

Yep, just me here. A new Metallica album of all 45 rpms of pure American metal! 180 grams, limited to 500 copies. I’m gonna spin this bitch like NASCAR!

Lookin’ under the hood here, you got your Black Album riffs, you got your Pantera, and that sir, that’s gonna get you over to your cousin’s house faster than her boyfriend so you can propose to her. Now this album right here has really got me saying, “I’m glad, I’m glad it was Cliff!” That Master of Muppets there album had a lot on it I couldn’t understand in it. It was like tryin’ to make sense of one of them pieces of paper with scribbles on it, them black scribbles man.

Well shit brother, I just listened to this here new Metallica album too and I’ll tell you what man, this is just some red-blooded, get the lead out, American heavy metal man; none of that burning churches, demons coming out of the ground type shit. This is just some fuckin’ street level shit you can relate to man ya know what I’m saying?

Yeah brother, there ain’t none of that there faggot trend, of fat homosexuality. This is real red-blooded music for dicking down your steers and branding your women. I’ll tell you what brother, right next to family values, Metallica is this nation’s greatest export.

Yeah man, don’t gimme none of that Nazi elf shit, face-painting leather helmet shit man. I just want something I can drink a beer to, you know what I’m sayin’? Hey brother I’m confused man, are you talking about like families value like with your mom and dad or like the Family Values Tour? Cause that shit had Korn, it had Kid Rock didn’t it?

Yeah I feel you brother and I see you love Metallica but I think you just forgot something man, you know what I think you forgot? Forgot fucking Pantera man, the fuck’s wrong with you?

Let me tell you something sir. I love our veterans and I did not vote for George W. Bush twice to send our veterans to die so fucking Europeans queers could take pictures of themselves wearing chainmail in the forests! It’s some bullshit sir and I will not stand for it! We’re talking family values brother. Keep it in the family! Genetically pure for generations. Never breed outside the bloodline! Cause that’s how you get the greats! That’s how you get your Hank Williams Sr. and your Pantera and your Metallica: you keep it inside, you keep it white, you keep it right!

You know, we got a problem with domestic terrorists, home grown liberals playing sad arpeggios on piano, that’s the real crime here sir. That’s why we need more domestic security, surveillance, detention like Guantanamo! Fuck yeah man just back here! Let me tell you something else: on this new album here, Metallica wrote the lyrics, “We’re fucked, shit out of luck!” and let me tell you I felt that way ever since we elected Obammer.

Yeah, I’m mosing on down to that there Metallica, I’m going to the Metallica of my cousin Sally. Sally, she’s got a little chunk on her but she’s still pretty. I know all the guys at the corner store don’t say she pretty but she pretty. I know a lot of people don’t see the pretty but oh god Sally man, when rubs her right up on my dick, oh my god Sally!

When I went down the record store to pick up the new Metallica, I talked to the scrawny kid behind the counter who was dressed like some kinda Halloween vampire who insisted I listen to some band called Burzurm or something. I told him I wasn’t interested but yo he insisted that I listen to it. He put it on the ol’ turntable and all I heard was a man, a grown man, trying to sound like a screamin’ little girl. I didn’t understand it; it seemed kinda gay. Can’t really work on my Chevelle in it. Not sure what you do with it to be honest.

So I told him, “You take that child porn right off the record player right now. I don’t know what the hell’s gotten into you boy but this is a good Christian town. I’ve known your parents, Billy and Sally for years. Your mother came to me the other day and she was concerned. She was concerned you were showin’ pictures you’ve taken of yourself in black mail gauntlets holding a torch in the woods, covered in fake blood ’cause you’re too much of a pussy to shoot a buck for yourself! The hell is wrong with you boy?”

But I ended up buyin’ the Burzurm record anyway. Took it to the local sheriff to report it for illicit content, perhaps some contact with minors goin’ on there or something, something suspicious. I looked on the back of the record and was looking for who was responsible for this. It was some Count Grashnack, dressed in theirs cape, holdin’ some weird wood thang with some spikes comin’ out of it lookin’ like something out of a movie man! I was confused.

Then I started to feel bad for this kid here, this Count Grissom. You know, he’s probably one of them kids, those good natured kids who had to play chess or somethin’ in high school. He didn’t go to shop class or play varsity football.

So I was listening to this His Lysol Tour Ass Thorn album by Burzurm for about a week. You know curiosity got the better of me. Found myself sneaking into our closet and trying on my wife’s panties when she was out at the store! That point, I ran straight for my pastor, confessed my sins, and threw the record on the ground, broke it in pieces, and burned the cover, the cover that it came in. I believe it had an insert, a poster insert of some kind. I turned that into a paper airplane, took it out to my backyard. I threw it around for a little bit and then I burnt that too.

So I called up that, I called up that nice boy from the record store’s mom you know, told her about what had happened to me, and asked her how her son came ‘cross such demonic music. And she said he had been visiting some website called “”. Apparent, it’s got articles on them there philosophy for them who don’t know how to work for a livin’ and it’s got some long, long wordy reviews on it. I couldn’t understand them either. Somethin’ about trans, transgender idealazers. I don’t, I don’t fully get it but it’s starting to make a little bit more sense now.

But yeah man, let me tell you Metallica. That Kirk Whammett, that’s a damn good guitarist there. Probably the best I’ve heard since Willie Nelson!

Well shit, what’s that noise you got there going in the background? I hear some wailin’ and moanin’ and carrying on like some fuckin’ Robin Hood shit man. Are you still listening to that there record brother? I don’t think you’ve been cleansed of your sins after all if you know what I mean. Somebody better check this guy’s web browser history to see if there’s any recent visits to! What kinda philosophy you lookin’ at there, huh brother?

Well, I don’t know about no but I’m right here right now laying cable, working like a dog. As far as I’m concerened, y’all don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. This Metallica is way better than that Dave Mustang death where he sounds like a little girl off Skype. Yeah, this sounds like a fuckin’ man like James Hatfield. Yeah! I love that James Hatfield “Yeah, Yeah!” Reminds me of when I go down to the track and I take my earning and I play the ponies and cheer! Dave Mustang sounds like that one time I went to the chat room and it turned out to be a police officer, a lady police officer. I thought she was a girl. And then they came to my house and they arrested me and then I couldn’t work no more after that. That’s not fair but yeah new Metallica Hardwired! I’m not shit outta luck any more!

Sometimes I feel though, when I play the CD in my garage, sitting on my car ’cause I’m not allowed to drive anymore because it has a lock in the ignition. I play it on my radio from the CD. This is not an album for goin’ fast; it’s not like Deep Purple, the “Highway Star” and Metallica’s “Fuel”. This here Metallica shit you have to contemplate it ’cause Kirk Whammett is showing off like that colored boy in Thin Lizzy is back in town. It’s like when somebody’s showin’ off their new car, a new Ford Mustang, that’s been outfitted with turbo: you gotta drive it and hit accelerated to get the feel like I got the feel of Sally.

Well let me just tell you something there about the butt holes talking about this here new Metallica record. Yeah, leave it to California boys to misappropriate our glorious Metallica! Yeah come on man, this is Lynyrd Skynyrd for metal! Californias, you know they tryin’ to steal our Metallica! You know that there moment when you know, Ride the Lightning, when James Hatfield’s like “Go insane from the pain they surely know! Yeah Yeah! For Whom the Bell Tolls!” Yeah! That shit rules. You know what else them there Californians stole? Creedence Clearwater Revival. Them boys were born on the Bayou! Then them there San Franciscans went and pansied them with their Satanism.

Hardwired is better than their first one, Kill ’em All as that one there’s just too rhythmical. You can’t work on your Chevelle to Kill ’em All. It’s like RnB with those rhythms. I won’t have none of that. That shit’s not metal like Lynyrd Skynyrd or Ted Nugent, my favorites other than Metallica! I was once at a monster truck show and I heard that Slayer. Slayer’s Satanic! That’s some there California shit! I saw a picture of them once on the internet: Slayer had tattoos on his head. I got a cross on my shoulder for the Lord and this Mexican fellow has tattoos on his head singing about how he’s gonna “Rape in Blood” and how we’re all goin’ to hell.

I saw a video way back when of that Mexican, “South of Heaven” at King Tut’s pyramids. I think that fellow’s an Arab; he don’t look like no Mexican to me. Mexicans don’t have hair and tattoos like that. We don’t have no Mexicans that look like that ’round here. I saw a couple butt hole Arabs came to the corner store once and we had to chase them away like wolves. We had to chase that Arab out of town.  Them Arabs drove up playing some kinda ding dong Chinese music wanting to pump some gas. We thought they might be Chinese or Japanese until he got out of the car. He had a beard and looked like that Hadji from the Johnny Quest that was on the television when I was a boy. We couldn’t allow that. This here’s America and ‘merica is Metallica country! Yeah! Hardwired… to Self-Destruct! Yeah yeah!

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63 thoughts on “Metallica – Hardwired… to Self-Destruct (2016)”

  1. 1 of ur 2 monthly viewers says:

    10/10 keep it up guys
    funnily enough I discovered metal some 16-ish years ago as a bored kid entering “butthole”.com into his browser’s url bar. let me tell you it was all downhill from there.

  2. Awful torture says:


  3. Deport All Hipsters says:

    Is this the real cover art?

    1. LostInTheANUS says:


  4. 1349 says:

    Excellent lmao-review.
    Hetfield grew up in Texas, what the hell did we expect?
    “Hardwired” seems a suitable soundtrack to Trump’s election. An old and half-dead, long-not-heard voice of rednecks. Whom did Hetfield vote for, btw?

    1. trystero says:

      This is a pro-Trump area, please divest yourself of all eurocuck behaviour before entering.

      1. fart inhaler says:

        Trump being correct in many ways doesn’t negate the fact that many of his voters are wrestling fans straight out of Idiocracy who chug Old Milwaukee to Pantera and Metallica. In fact they were probably only familiar with Trump to start with because he shaved Vince McMahon’s head on tv.

      2. Frank White says:

        Donald Trump is a cunt, no need for debate, Never trust a politician, so was Obama, Americans apart from the Indigenous Tribes Sioux etc are all immigrants too. He aint anti establishment as the media narrative suggests He builds big glass towers in the sky and is a city Boy, he don’t give a fuck about country folk. He’s tapping into fears, the corporations especially too so consume shit you don’t need eat shit food, get sick take meds and dumb down.

        Only came here for review,see what folks think, I’m undecided trying give it time to grow, inclined to agree about overlong chuggy songs. I aint fuck with em since Liberty’ until Magnetic which was raw and thrashy, that was prob for original ol skool Thrashers such s myself

    2. trystero says:

      Brett Stevens grew up in Texas too, but I guess being jewish compensated for that somewhat.

  5. GGALLIN1776 says:

    “It’s like when somebody’s showin’ off their new car, a new Ford Mustang, that’s been outfitted with turbo: you gotta drive it and hit accelerated to get the feel like I got the feel of Sally.”

    Mustang Sally?

  6. canadaspaceman says:

    You hear Pantera on this album? really? But you missed them trying to re-write Black Sabbath’s ‘The Straightener” (Vol.4 LP), starting at 6:05 minutes in “Halo On Fire ” ?

    It could just be me, but there is a Mustaine/Megadeth feel in spots on “Hardwired… to Self-Destruct”, which is a good thing.
    Anyways, this album sounds like Metallica has picked and put together a lot of their stuff frommany albums they know works in their favour, which means it is mainly aimed at the LCD (lowest common denominator).
    Yeah, aimed mainly at lovers of the Black Album, and Load/ReLoad … it will probably be wildly successful, as there is a lot of boring shit on here, the type that the mainstream / sports stadiums like.

    Metallica threw in some decent fast songs on this, and are good on the Magnetic releases ..but…
    just way too much boring chugga-chugga slow shit from them, again, which I always hated.

  7. Nuclear Whore says:

    Man, Metallica had a satanic cover artwork with that record that is called “Load” or whatever, don’t get fooled by them!
    Rock and roll is terrible! Too greed! Better listen to Impetigo or Repulsion, I don’t recall them mocking the Lord! And good American bands!

    >So I told him, “You take that child porn right off the record player right now
    (hi hi hi hi)

  8. Rainer Weikusat says:

    I can’t match this, however,

    [background: The Fog] Imagine you’re walking down a small, dark street paved with cobblestones on a foggy November night, approaching the tall chestnut trees of the churchyard. The church building couches behind the headstones like a mishapen, otherworldly demon. Suddenly, you hear a small stone clanking on the cobbles behind you, apparently displaced by a footstep — here? At this time in the night? Whirling round, you’re face to face with four guys. But there’s something wrongabout them, they’re deadly pale and swollen, like waterlogged corpses. One has a jagged hole in his face instead of a nose. Water drips slowly from the rags they’re wearing. A seagull cries at a distance. Something must have awoken it.

    For a moment, the men stare at you silently, the leaves of the old tree whispering in the dark. The frontman opens his mouth and

    1. GGALLIN1776 says:

      I thought he was going to say:

      1. Rainer Weikusat says:

        Be that as it may but it’s more than time to recognize the important contributions CCR made to something as genuinely American as »The dead return to life to do awful things to you«!

  9. Spectral Nutritionist says:

    This article is gay; a gauchely exaggerated stereotype.

    1. SupDipShit says:

      Spot the ´Tallica fanboy.

      1. Spectral Nutritionist says:

        Tryna be cool, but you’re wrong again, son… I actually wouldn’t bother to even check out this album.

  10. Nathan Metric says:

    LOL, this story reminds me of that ACDC dude who haunts the Hells Headbangers store. Walking in there wanting some Back in Black….da fuq

  11. Matt Risnes says:

    This is a strange “comedy” article/review. The perspective seems to be mocking those whose tastes aren’t as snobby as the DMU staff, but the hateful ideology and worldview evident in the vernacular seems very much in line with the writers and some of the commenters on this site. So I don’t really get who you’re satirizing with this. Dumbass radio rock fans, the authors and constituency of this site, or both?

    In any case, the new Metallica is heinous garbage and this band hasn’t been relevant for anything other than lampooning since 1988.

    1. David Rosales says:

      That’s what DMU detractors don’t get. When you go beyond politics and philosophy into realism, people get confused because they do not see their abstractions being played out as they expect.

      1. Matt Risnes says:

        Well, with that sort of hogwash equivocation you can print whatever putrid nonsense you want and claim all critiques levied at your content as invalid because those who take umbrage “just don’t get it, man”. Which is tantamount to absolving yourself of any accountability.

        1. Awful torture says:

          Stop your fucking whinin boy;you and your ivory tower claptrap dont mean shit around here boy. This review is just talken about the kind of street level shit that real people can relate to. We dont need you and your fancy fuckin college boy ideas, all we need is six cans, three chords and one truth. So go take that shit back to and tell Count Grissom I said hi. God damn slack jawed queerboy, communist faggot

          1. Spectral Nutritionist says:

            Hicks don’t call things ‘street level type shit’.
            That’s more a hip-hop thang.

            1. Awful torture says:


              4 minutes in. You’re welcome, now WALK ON HOME BOY
              Fucken dungeons and dragons faggot

              1. Spectral Nutritionist says:

                Lol, you’re talking crazy talk…you talkin’ to me?

                You almost proved me wrong, but he merely said ‘street level’, not ‘street level type shit’. Impressive attempt, my nigga!

                1. Awful torture says:

                  Oh you wanna play hardball, son? NO WAY, PUNK


                  1. Spectral Nutritionist says:

                    Yaas! Once again, you almost proved me wrong, but he merely said ‘street level’ a LOT, no ‘street level type shit’.

                    You HAVE impressed me with your hilariously obscure Pantera expertise. Keep ’em coming!

    2. This article makes fun of everything, and it does it well.

    3. Rainer Weikusat says:

      the hateful ideology and worldview evident in the vernacular

      “Love it or hate it!” is a false dichotomoy used to brand everything which is not enthusiastically supportive of $something as “obviously a manifestation of irrational aggression” (bordering dangerous insanity) [and hence, dear choir, please discard without thinking]. To me, this was a delightfully written parody, and you can’t really do that without a heartfelt sympathy for what is being parodied. The narrator is a wise fool character, a well-known literary topos.

      In particular, the »You take that child porn right off the record player right now« part about the Burzum His Lysol Tour Ass Thorn album ending with the »I turned that into a paper airplane, took it out to my backyard. I threw it around for a little bit and then I burnt that too.« exorcism was just great.

      1. Matt Risnes says:

        God this website makes me fucking tired. I seriously don’t know why I keep coming back here and I’m at even more of a loss as to why I bother commenting.

        1. Rainer Weikusat says:

          In this case, the hate is entirely your’s, Mr. Unsurprisingly, it’s targetted at people enjoying things you consider improper. Let’s call them nerds, shall we?

          1. Matt Risnes says:

            You got me bro. I’m the sensitive asshole wallowing in outdated status quo paradigms of propriety.

            1. Rainer Weikusat says:

              I have no idea who/ what you are. But what you wrote suggests that you misinterpreted this text based on some preconceived idea what it must be about given where it was posted, eg

              The perspective seems to be mocking those whose tastes aren’t as snobby as the DMU staff

              That wasn’t my impression. For instance, the text is mocking the third Burzum album in a hilarious way by showing it through the eyes of the wise fool narrator, culminating in him turning a Burzum poster into a paper airplane he’s throwing around for a while – it’s a nice paper airplane, after all, and don’t we all love paper airplanes? – and then rather burns it to ensure it doesn’t get the better of him again.

              I tried to point this out. This didn’t go well.

        2. Awful torture says:


        3. This whole site is an alternative sexuality hookup club. These comments are written in code. If they seem bizarre, it is because we are describing ourselves, sexual acts, and location in deep Jungian symbolic language.

          1. We engage in dominant-submissive play based on Roman patron-client morality with position determined by vir.

          2. fart inhaler says:

            Damn, that’s gone completely over my head all this time. Guess that’s what happens when you skip philosophy class.

            Anyway when do I get to milk that veiny Stevens rod with my sphincter again? See you at Club Eulalie on friday?

  12. ANUSaanite says:

    …but what does Dr.Szisz have to say about it?

  13. 1349 says:

    The album turned out to be (musically) better than its first two crappy singles. Musically it is not quite metal but it is
    a) less forced than Death Magnetic and thus more listenable; the songs are more organic and complete because this is the musical language they can actually speak;
    b) more musical and therefore more listenable than Slayer’s 2016 monster truck album.
    c) without metalcore ;
    d) with very few mellow parts (gayness and nu-metal minimized).
    Song structure is formulaic but, excuse me, it was formulaic on their best albums as well.
    At the same time, the song texture is primitive even compared to Magnetic.

    Hetfield is christian but lyrics-wise this album is less christian than, say, Black Sabbath’s first album.
    The songs are about
    * end of humanity (2 pcs., the first and the last one!)
    * abstract death (or even collapse of the West? “Now that we’re dead”) (1)
    * pointless and destructive lives of celebrities (1)
    * end of the world and awakening of Cthulhu (1)
    * war (1)
    * abstract revenge (1)
    * madness and solipsism (1)
    * innate aggression (simian nature?) of men (1)
    * Motorhead and Lemmy (1)
    * whatever “Atlas, rise!” is about (maybe criticism of neoliberalism, ancap and messianic foreign policy of US dems? =))) )
    * whatever “Halo on fire” is about.

    So it is not quite non-metal theme-wise.

    Keep in mind that this half-metal album:
    1) will be listened to by millions of westerners (it’s Metallica after 8 years of silence, after all!)
    2) has been released right after the 2016 elections.
    Imagine how it can be interpreted by its audience and how it can influence it.

    1. That’s all well and good, but how is the music?

      No more than SJW friendly topics make music good, do metallic topics make music good.
      The music itself has to express those topics.
      But, I will say that good lyrics are a good sign, because usually, the same thing that inspires the lyrics inspire the music.

      1. 1349 says:

        I wrote about the music, as you might have noticed. To what i said above i can add that
        * it is mostly load/reload but more primitive (even childish) by texture/arrangement; with less blues; heavier by riffs & sound; less “introspective”.
        * most of the songs are very catchy;
        * half of the songs are too long;
        * half (or most) of the songs have a composition that “goes nowhere”.
        As to whether the album endures repeated listens, i can’t judge yet. But most likely it will not.

        1. I listened to a few tunes on Youtube.
          I think that there were some good parts here and there which wouldn’t have seemed out of place on Ride The Lightning, but they were let down by the larger whole.

        2. half (or most) of the songs have a composition that “goes nowhere”.

          This contributes most of all to horrible boredom.

    2. Spectral Nutritionist says:

      “Song structure is formulaic but, excuse me, it was formulaic on their best albums as well.”

      I’m trying to imagine which you’d say were there best albums.
      And if it’s the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th, what is the goddarn “formula?”!

      1. LostInTheANUS says:

        It’s the formula to success, obviously

      2. 1349 says:

        intro – verse – chorus – verse – chorus – interlude – (verse) – chorus – outro

  14. 8==D says:

    grats, this review is making waves on some really obscure faggoty corners of the internet

    “I’m not feeling it yet but the deathmetal dot org review of it was so hilariously lame and negative I feel like I’ve got to give it a chance. Because fuck those dudes.”

  15. OliveFox says:

    I like that one song, “Hallowed Be Thy…,” I mean “Atlas Rise.”

  16. HH says:

    say what you want about Metallica ( I personally can’t stand them and won’t listen to this album ), but when they release an album everyone (including the hardened elitist of DMU) stop and listen.

    1. C.M. says:

      They are legendary, innovative and influential, so it’s a fairly big deal in many people’s minds. Personally I didn’t get into them til I was well into my teens and only listen to Kill ‘Em All and Ride the Lightning, once in a very great while at that, so I have no nostalgia for them and consider their music widely overrated (or regarded highly for the wrong reasons).

      Most importantly, though, they provided the opportunity for a great review. Being from the Midwest, a lot of the sentiments expressed here hit a little too close to home for me!

    2. Spectral Nutritionist says:

      No no no, HH. Hardened DMU elitists know better than to fuck with anything after the Black album.

    3. Rainer Weikusat says:

      I’ve ignored Metallica since that ‘slam the case shut’ Thin Lizzy cover until this site brought it to my attention again. Despite the happened live about a mile distant from me last year.

    4. trystero says:

      Yeah, we all do stop to listen for various reasons. Some listen to keep their finger on the pulse of decay and learn lessons, some listen because earlier material is powerful enough to create persistent hope that something of a unique and original voice may be salvaged. All that speaks to is the strength of earlier material though, not some currently expressed quality.

  17. Nathan Metric says:

    Metallica?….no no Metal-Licka

  18. Roger says:

    At least it’s better than most Ildjarn.

    1. hot buttered pumpkin says:

      still pumpin

  19. Kingdom_Gone says:

    This was as boring as the last one. Some random dude just switched on the “quote A.N.U.S. as much as possible” mode and then wrote for half an hour and callet it a day.

    I never thought I’d see this day but it’s Metallica’s new album – 2 – 0.

  20. Disremember says:

    “Life can be defined biologically by those who understand its science. We call them the Doctors.

    It can be (self) realized by those who walk the path. We call them the Philosophers.

    But it can be expressed only as an art by those who interpret it. We call them Artists.

    No one here can….. powerfully expresses the conflict between
    modern civilization and mankind. Inspired by the chirping of birds and crickets, and the rustling of the wind through bamboo thickets, man first cut himself a bamboo flute, and developed music. But those pastoral times passed as life became more complex and ever more industrialized; first the train, then the
    plane, then the jet helped speed the process. Today, we hear the roar of rocket engines blasting off for the stars. On the one hand we seek relief from these pressures by reaching out to divinity through chants and mantras; on the other, we distract ourselves with disco music and earthly pleasures. Yet our society
    will self-destruct; And after the inevitable
    The musician will lay down his flute,
    Unable any longer to play,
    Convinced in spite of himself that
    Music is, after all,
    Nothing But Wind….”
    Victor Angel Ribero

  21. Morgan Alvisgard says:

    Hard-Anal to Ass-Hurt xD

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