Calling Opeth gay is an insult to homosexuals

by Brett Stevens on March 20, 2011

Trollsk, arise!

Obviously everything that follows in that link is troll material. This part especially sounds like it was written by someone who barely once listened to half of a song and decided that they are crap:

Opeth “sounds like” prog even if it has none of what made prog great: real musical development, song structures that build upon themes instead of being random, and truly mindblowing chops.

And I’m pretty sure I’ve never read or heard anything about Mike saying they are a progressive death metal band (though they most certainly are imo), but rather just a death metal band so really the foundation of that article, which is to slam their approach to prog music, falls upon itself. Fakken trolls they troll don’t like em – ANUS topic at official Opeth forum

The trivialist band OPETH, who specialize in making boring simple death metal “sound like” progressive rock so that emosexual manpanties neurotic tweebo children of divorced homes and failed lives can cry together, and then consider themselves smarter than the rest of us peons, make their money selling what’s basically warmed over Dave Matthews Band songs with death metal riffs (sometimes). The foolish, unaware, uneducated, illiterate, inexperienced, confused, lost, low self-esteem and possibly uncle-raped flock to it as they search with mooning faces for some kind of meaning in their disposable, interchangeable part lives. And then they get upset when we point this out to them.

I want to make a fatwa here, which is that we make it illegal under ANUS Shariah law to compare Opeth to homosexuality. To do so is to insult homosexuals. Instead, we must focus on the truth of Opeth, which is that it is music for boys to cry to so that they do not have to become men. It is music for people to feel like they’re having a profound experience to, when really they’re just projecting their own neurosis (expanded rectums from parental rape, divorce and repetition of failure). If you like the thought of telling a rapist to go ahead and have his way with your ass, because you’re just too into yourself to muss your hair fighting back, Opeth is for you.

And that, mein munchkins, is why we troll them.

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MASTER tour crushed by TSA paranoia

by on March 3, 2011

You know, 19 brave people flew planes into the World Trade Center and while I think we should take it seriously, our methods sometimes go too far.

I say they were brave because I think it takes real guts (and total hatred for your enemy, which is always love) to destroy yourself by flying a giant plane into a landmark. If you need me to re-assure you that I think they were evil, or that I think they were misunderstood and really meant to bring us falafel and multiculture, I can’t help you; I can tell you they were brave. Imagine doing that sometime and you’ll see what I mean.

But now, we’re not being brave. We’re busting people for the wrong crap, and not busting enough people who need to go to jail. It’s both deterrent and security theater. I’m sure it works, but what the hell is the point in busting death metal bands from Eastern Europe? Al-Qaeda hates death metal.

We arrived Tuesday morning in Holland and after intense questioning we proceeded to the eye and body scan machine. Along with the other passengers we proceeded to the plane. We arrived in Detroit and went to passport control. I waited for about two hours for any word on the guys.

The police came to explain that the visa waiver program didn’t apply to musicians. So they sent me to customs and proceeded to tear apart everything and sent me on my way. I waited for six hours to get on another airplane and return to Europe. Thankfully the lady at the Delta checkout counter was very helpful and confirmed that the guys would be on the next plane in the evening and I could return with them. The guys were escorted to the plane by four police officers and returned their passports when we arrived in Amsterdam.

Since when are musicians and terrorists in the same category? Again I apologize to all the bands, organizers and fans of course.

I guess the CD cover of the Human Machine CD has become a reality! – Paul Speckmann, Master

While I think this is ass, and am somewhat upset at the loss of a Master tour, it’s time for metal bands to start querying actual immigration lawyers before making assumptions about how USA visas work. Unfortunately, at this time the process is so complex that you pretty much need an egghead with a law degree to sort it out. Anyway, the Master tour is canceled, we’re all poorer for it, and Al-Qaeda is laughing at our asses while they plan to destroy us with economic terrorism.

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Lemmy: ‘Hip Hop Is Not Music’

by on February 26, 2011

While we love Motorhead, this needs commentary:

Never one to mince his words, Motörhead front man Lemmy Kilmister recently shared his views on the state of modern music with Atlantic City Weekly. When asked to express his thoughts on hip hop, the metal legend had the following to say:

“Why should I do that when it’s not music… There’s nothing creative about doing that [rapping] over music someone else created. They go out and take John Bonham’s drumming. I don’t call that music. You think they [rappers] could come up with sounds of their own, even some basic sounds and they can’t do it. Sad.”

Lemmy: ‘Hip Hop Is Not Music’

Not to offend one of the gods of metal, but:

  1. We disagree: we think hip-hop is music. It is organized sound; it uses rhythm primarily, but also incorporates some melodic snippets. That it is borrowed and requires less musical ability is somewhat irrelevant. Compared to Beethoven or Mozart, who could improvise structured pieces with ease and even re-configure to change the emotional direction of the piece on the fly, we’re all just about that untalented and derivative.
  2. The bigger point is that type of music determines the audience it attracts, and says a lot about them. People who like hip-hop are blockheads. They’re the same blockheads who were listening to disco in the 1970s, techno in the 1980s, grunge in the 1990s and nu-indie in the 2000s. They follow the trend because it’s “different” and have zero clue that the trend is actually just the latest manifestation of the same average stuff that people always chase. Hip-hop isn’t revolutionary; it’s no different than rock, if you replace the guitars with samples. Same song structures, roughly the same topics, even the same type of person producing it. These guys aren’t out there committing crimes and accidentally having musical careers; they’re committing crimes as a calculated status boost for their musical careers. They probably played first violin in high school band. It’s about the money.
  3. Populist music sucks because it chases trends and thus has no depth. It’s all appearance, nothing under the surface. But that’s what is called for. If you want music many people like all at once, it has to be similar to other things they already like but so they don’t feel cheated, it has to appear to be “different.” You win the multi-million dollar lottery if you take yesterday’s songs and make them seem fresh and exciting today. Whether that music is rap, rock, techno, indie, emo, screamo, disco or hip-hop, it’s all the same crap. Metal is the exception.

Sensible people know that elitism in music means you value quality over quantity. If you want quantity, you chase trends and get more of the same old crap, tricked out to be new. If you want quality, you are very careful about what you listen to and keep the best around. This however means you’ll never be trendy, which is why metal is inherently elitist: we don’t want to be part of the trends not to be “different” like hipsters/poseurs, but because we want higher quality music so we have a more intense experience.

If you want to know why rap, rock et cetera are incompatible with metal, that’s a good place to start your thinking. Lemmy is kick-starting the process to warm over a little tepid controversy to sell Motorhead’s 415th album, which is due out next month and is titled The Argle-Bargle of the Whatdumacallit or something similarly gnomic.

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Blaspherian CD, tshirt released and shipping

by on February 25, 2011

In a tribute to the first Immolation album, the new BLASPHERIAN CD Infernal Warriors of Death sports a scene of demonic conquest over angelic realms. That will probably be tame in comparison to the music, which from the two tracks leaked so far, is punishing old school death metal in the style of INCANTATION, DEICIDE, OBITUARY and IMMOLATION.

Deathgasm Records now has the CDs and tshirts in stock and is shipping them as orders come in.

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Jeff Hanneman of SLAYER has necrotizing fascitis

by on February 14, 2011

Medical misfortune has befallen thrash metal progenitors Slayer once again. Guitarist/founding member Jeff Hanneman reportedly underwent emergency surgery on his right arm late last month. He was diagnosed with having contracted necrotizing fasciitis — kind of sounds like a Slayer song, actually — a rare yet serious infection also known as flesh-eating disease. – Exclaim

Hope he gets through this intact.

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Massacra – Enjoy the Violence

by Enda Miller on February 7, 2011

Know how to kill! Nothing is rarer, and everything depends on that. Know how to kill! That is to say, how to work the human body like a sculptor works his day or piece of ivory, and evoke the entire sum, every prodigy of suffering it conceals in the depths of its shadows and its mysteries. There! Science is required, variety, taste, imagination… genius, after all.

 

… So spake the lyrically impassioned and thoroughly blood-splattered master torturer from Octave Mirbeau’s exploitative allegory ‘Le Jardin des Supplices‘ — a work often regarded as the French parallel to Joseph Conrad’s ‘Heart of Darkness’ in its mutual objective towards smashing the moral edifices of Western civilization and exposing the corrupted, putrefying soul beneath. Framed in this excerpt is a rational, eloquent and yet sickeningly grotesque declaration of sadism as a fine art — or even a manifestation of divine love — which so happens to mesh very excellently with the more measured methods that Massacra had undertaken for their second opus Enjoy The Violence, an album that has historically competed with its predecessor Final Holocaust for total lordship over the death metal world. While the ivory sceptre is generally awarded to the debut by merit of its raw, inexorable and blindingly brilliant riff-saladry, an equally convincing case can be argued on behalf of Enjoy The Violence — a sophomore effort in the greatest sense of the word. No longer does songwriting resemble frantic tornadoes of jagged phrases, bewildering developments and hazardously unhinged instrumentation: here we find Massacra, having done their thorough “research of tortures”, limiting their machinations of aural infliction down to a choice but variegated selection, with all parts oiled, honed, and sharpened for excruciating efficiency.

Markedly fewer motifs are employed — a few even resurface on multiple songs — and yet it is this very spareness that imparts such character and memorability unto each composition, along with a newfound, almost cinematic command over tempo, texture, voicing and atmosphere. In addition to the familiar Destruction-esque, adrenaline-rushed thrashing fare, songs of pure death-doom are introduced, serving to showcase both the band’s ability to stage ominous and imposing dirges in the grandiosely operatic tradition, as well as the most tasteful musicianship yet to be wrought by the Duval/Tristani guitar duo and even percussionist Chris Palengat. Bassist and co-vocalist Pascal Jörgensen, whose efforts were unfortunately somewhat smothered by the crêpe-flat production on Final Holocaust, now rises to the status of an eminent narrator, complete with audible basslines and a dictatorial roar that bears with it the all the glorious and savage atavisms of the Gallic warrior spirit. A richly imagined, brutal and at times sardonic album, Enjoy The Violence is very much Massacra’s second masterpiece and — like the aforementioned Mirbeau — speaks to the undercurrent of murder and pillage that flows blackly through even the modern, safe, and plastic societies that have pleasantly stultified us in this age of oblivion.

You take pleasure
In using violence
It’s in your nature
Psychopathic sense
Psychological conflict
You’re under my influence
You can’t repress your instinct
I incite you to violence

-Thanatotron-

 

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ANUS trolls desecrate Gojira website

by Brett Stevens on February 7, 2011

I was looking over the user comments on one of our blog posts (mainly because they are often hilarious) and found this:

please i kindly ask of you to stop vandalizing our Gojira guestbook, you are welcome to our site for information but please refrain from more hate comments that are signed as members from this website.

sincerely
the Gojira staff

They’re referring to events like this (JPG, 77k).

According, ANUS has composed an official statement:

Dear Gojira,

Please understand that none of this is personal. You are probably very nice people and we would enjoy having a beer or two. But life is not about getting along with everyone. It’s about picking the right answers out of the pool of every answer, and using that knowledge to get better. Always forward, ever upward, and all that.

We encourage our users to vandalize, degrade, sabotage, guillotine, desecrate, corrupt, hack, immolate and sodomize any Crowdist information, which we can define as:

  • A partial truth. It takes some aspects of a situation and makes them “represent” the same situation, like symbols or social gestures, and so obscures the breadth of the situation.
  • It is populist in the oldest sense of meaning pandering, demagoguery, and “little white lies” that we tell in social circumstances when we’re not outright bribing people by saying nice things to them. It’s like talking a girl into bed.
  • It passively assumes a superior position. These thoughts need some reason why you would adopt them instead of common sense, so they pretend to be intellectually, morally, socially or empathically superior.

Gojira exemplifies Crowdist behavior. Your songs are written like indie-rock converted to powerchords and played with periodic violence, but you do not understand the metal spirit, its way of writing riffs, its song structure or imagery. Although you may be nice guys, you are (sadly) imitators and corruptors of the metal tradition.

Therefore, we encourage all users of this website — and any other website — to have fun vandalizing your Guestbook and/or rectums. Instructions:

  1. Go to Gojira’s website.
  2. You will find there a picture of a skeleton surrounded by dots. Click on the dot to the furthest right, at the 3 o’clock position on an analog clock.
  3. At the Guestbook, either (a) endorse freedom, democracy, liberalism, effete passivity, anal sex, miscegenation, watersports, incest and Gojira or (b) feel free to point out that all indie-rock bands who pretend to be metal, but don’t understand metal, are poseurs. Some indie rockers came into metal and made metal. If people bitch that we are too kvlty, just point out that we hate Krallice as well (they are also nice guys).
  4. Allahu ackbar!

In conclusion, I am sorry I cannot help you. But in the cosmic drama, we are on opposite sides, and all we can do is play our roles well.

Sincerely,

ANUS Administrator
“If it dilates, we want in.”

Maybe this will clear up the confusion. It’s worth noting that our trolls have completely demolished our own blog post comments, but they’re still more amusing than anything you’ll find on TV.

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Blaspherian “Infernal Warriors of Death” pre-order available now

by on February 1, 2011

Blaspherian (ex-IMPRECATION, INFERNAL DOMINION) make Obituary-styled Deicide/Incantation-inspired old school death metal that has gone for an early Immolation aesthetic on their newest album, Infernal Warriors of Death.

You can hear a sample track from Infernal Warriors of Death here:

The label is printing the CD for release soon, but you can pre-order now, which isn’t a bad gig considering how reliable Deathgasm Records has been over the past decade or so.

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