Forteresse Announce Récits Patriotiques

French Canadian Gothenburg style metal band Forteresse announced a rehearsal album, Récits Patriotiques, today for all those who care about their boring Gothenburg material that sounds like early Amon Amarth with no tempo changes or variations for beer metallers who do not critically listen to music and prefer to just leave metal on in the background like a heavier version of smooth jazz they can ignore and check in on once every two minutes to see if the band did anything new or are back to scratching their asses. Récits Patriotiques will be released on March 18th, 2017 by Sepulchral Productions on 750 CDs for 750 fundergrounders or hipsters who want to crank frogified Davy Crockett metal to feel special about themselves like kale-flavored ice cream sandwiches. Preorder Récits Patriotiques here if you hate money and wear coonskin caps during sex.

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Profanatica Sickened by Holy Host / The Grand Master Sessions CD Reissue

Hells Heabangers Records has reissued most of Profanatica‘s works from the third millennium on CD. Including are bonus discs for completionists and obsessive compulsive collectors. Profanatitas de Domonatia, Disgusting Blasphemies Against God, and Sickened by Holy Host / The Grand Master Sessions are all pressed on gold CDs like Mobile Fidelity Sound Lab and DCC CDs from the nineties for maximum shinyness and all include bonus CDs of live shows from the early 90s that will probably be only listened to in the car or as background music at work. The Grand Master Sessions was previously vinyl only and is the one that most of the die hard underground fans who moved onto superior digital technological formats will be picking up.

Order them from Hells Headbangers here if your obsessive compulsive disorder demands it.

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Mainstream Media Silent as Antifascist Terrorists Attack UC Berkeley

The mainstream media has been relatively silent after antifascist and communist terrorists attacked the campus of the University of California’s flagship Berkeley campus. Masked antifascist scumbags shattered windows and firebombed the student union building to prevent conservative commentator Milo Yiannopoulos from giving a sold out talk at the supposed bastion of tolerance and liberalism. UC Berkeley of course canceled the talk, depriving fifteen hundred paying ticket holders out to dry.

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N.W.O.B.H.M. Survivors

The New Wave of British Heavy Metal was the simultaneous, sudden emergence of hundreds of heavy metal bands in the United Kingdom in the late 1970s and early eighties. The NWOBHM was prompted by the collapse en masse of earlier hard rock bands and heavy metal originators. Led Zeppelin and other blues-based riff rock bands had collapsed into meandering stadium rock with only a couple listenable songs per record at best (“Achilles Last Stand” on Presence). Black Sabbath fell flat on their faces after Sabotage, making the meandering duo of Technical Ecstasy and Never Say Die. Punk declined from almost-progressive works as the The Stooges’ Fun House to boy bands such as the Sex Pistols playing radio pop. Deep Purple regressed to playing what their former guitarist Ritchie Blackmore termed “Shoeshine music.”

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China Bans VPNs

The People’s Republic of China banned the virtual private networks that hundreds of millions of the 730 million mainland Chinese citizens connected to the internet use to bypass the Communist Party’s “Great Firewall” and obtain truthful information. The Chinese Ministry of Industry and Information Technology announced this crackdown on the use of unsupervised internet connections earlier this week. The Ministry said they would be monitoring all mainland internet service providers, content deliverers, and data centers for “illegal information”. Communists once again are attempting to be thought police as otherwise they would not be able to maintain power.

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