Apple Releases New iSpoz™ Social Media Portal

The new Apple iSpoz™:

  • Smaller than the iPod, iPhone, or Apple Watch
  • Communicates through your auditory channels like schizophrenia
  • No keyboard, reads nerve impulses directly from your spine
  • Self-powering from bodily warmth
  • Attractive, Euro-modern design in a tiny package
  • Fits securely in the rectum for secure and uninterrupted use

Available exclusively on Death Metal Underground paired with the war metal or post-metal release of your choice.

14 Comments

Tags: , ,

Trenchant Releases “Yellow Cross Orison” From Upcoming Commandoccult

After Emperor peaked with In The Nightside Eclipse, its side project Zyklon-B got more attention. Like Niden Div 187 and Impaled Nazarene, it offered the punk side of black metal over the heavy metal, soundtrack, ambient, medieval, industrial, and progressive influences, blasting out short songs aimed at disruption and encouraging violence.

(more…)

7 Comments

Tags: , ,

Sadistic Metal Reviews: Lose Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow Edition

Yet another week passes as we watch the cope-hope reach maximum intensity through a form of frustrated and impotent rage. The narrative has failed; those who have staked their futures and wasted their pasts on the system find themselves both enraged and possessed of a furor to suppress those who step out of line. If this system fails, they will all feel as if they have made the wrong choices in life, so they are going to patch it up again to see if they can keep it kicking long enough to make it into the comforting sleep of Alzheimers or fentanyl.

(more…)

17 Comments

Tags: , , ,

Do You Miss the Old School Girl Scouts “Thin Mints”? Try the Sprouts Mint Chip Malt Balls

Disclaimer: no one is going to pay us for any endorsements on this site, but just so you know, this poast is both unsolicited and unpaid.

Maybe you remember the Girl Scouts cookies from the pre-Clinton years: flavorful, two bucks for a large box, and available from innocent female children who could spot a red-eyed metalhead at twenty paces and walk away with a huge sale.

(more…)

33 Comments

Tags: , , ,

Classic reviews:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z