Deconstructing USBM’s Deviation from the Golden Path

As America’s conservative renaissance thrives through its flourishing Alt Right movement, the time is ripe for a full fledged rebirth of its black metal identity.

With the genre having reached rock bottom in recent years due to pop punk and screamo influences, beta male journalism, communist ideologies, and a faux transcendentalist philosophy, we can begin to right the ship by exhuming and examining the cadaver of its formative age.

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More Free Press for Shining

Swedish emo black ‘n’ roll pop punk band Shining has been kicked off a show in the fat hipster junkie haven of Portland, leaving the funderground’s communist media pussies and useless indie rock blogs abuzz about “alleged” acts of shock rock front man Kvarforth. Though not charged with a crime at this time, the self mutilating schizophrenic man kisser has been accused of “violent, racist, sexist, nazi behavior,” completing the full checklist of character assassinations attempted by the left on a daily basis. But apparently unbeknownst to all of these out of touch basement-dwelling butt rock journalists this is the exact GG-Allin LARPing Kvarforth has been doing at every single show and in every single interview for over two decades. Therefore, this mass collusion has accomplished nothing outside of promoting Shining and their upcoming tour dates.

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Sadistic Metal Reviews: Why Don’t You Just Kill Yourself?

Thus spoke Matti Karki, one of the greatest voices in death metal, on the often boneheaded Indecent and Obscene.

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Bolzer Blow Up

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Hipster alternative rock band Bolzer blew up at Death Metal Underground on their Funbook page for telling the world what the first preview track, “I AM III”, from their upcoming album Hero actually was: vocal harmony focused alternative rock with generic riffing in the middle for no reason other than to pretend that their random music is metal and to “connect” two unrelated rock parts. Our staff’s commentary is after the jump.

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Black Metal Is Not Surf Rock

Hipster Youtuber Sam Sutherland suggested in a click bait video uploaded to his This Exists channel earlier this year that black metal is musically the same as the surf rock of the early 60s. This Exists goes on further to suggest that the best metal is heavily influenced by other non-metal musical genres citing such non-metal works as Mastodon‘s Leviathan being influenced by Moby Dick and Kanye West by Pablo Picasso. Sutherland, like many musically ignorant persons, confuses lyrical influence and playing technique with genre, intent, and goal.

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Sadistic Metal Reviews: Iron Coneheads

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Death Metal Underground constantly receives new batches of rock music masquerading as “blackened death metal” for the scenester, “buy everything” market. We microwave these promotional materials inside the homes of people we hate.

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Sadistic Metal Reviews 9/24/2016

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Some sorry schmuck has to shovel it into a hole and set it on fire.

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Bölzer Preview Hipster Christmas Carol

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Black/death ‘n’ roll band Bolzer premiered a track that sounds like the pretentious hipster occult version of the Beach Boys from their upcoming debut LP, Hero.  Their prior EPs had a few creative riffs in boring, meandering , and more boring alt rock songs. Rather than increasing the amount of actually meaningful musical content or improving their songwriting skills, Bolzer have tailored themselves to target the hipsters consuming the idiot safe-space pseudo-metal promulgated by Profound Lore, Vice, and MetalSucks. Will the bearded, flannel cutoff short short wearers be grossly offended by the runes tattooed onto Bolzer’s beer bellies?

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