The Devil’s Cradle Out September 15th

The English translation of Tero Ikäheimonen’s comprehensive Finnish black metal book, Pirunkehto – Suomalaisen black metallin tarina, is coming out September 15th on Svart Records with the English title The Devil’s Cradle. The book features interviews and career retrospectives of Beherit, Impaled Nazarene, and a bunch of other bands who do not count and have no reason to be in the same book as they suck and play crossover thrash with high-gain guitar pedals and RAC/oi themed pop-punk . These modern black ‘n’ roll bands aren’t even from the same era; they are just poseurs.

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Obituary & Exodus 2017 Tour

Obituary and Exodus are scheduled to tour the United States together later this year in the fall. The “Battle of the Bays: American Tour 2017” will have German speed metal band Dust Bolt opening along with the awful American metalcore band Power Trip. This probably will not be a great tour for underground metal fans but could be fun for beer metallers.

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Antichrist – Sinful Birth (2017)

Antichrist are yet another group of millennials who want to LARP 1987 thirty years later. Sinful Birth is their second campaign in the eighties and of course Antichrist come armored with denim, leather, spandex and high tops of haste +2. Antichrist are of course of great appeal to the funderground as they ape records everyone loved as teenagers, they have riffs beer metallers have heard a thousand times before and can recognize whilst blacked out, and the vocalist isn’t aggravatingly annoying.

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Tankard Belch “Syrian Nightmare”

Tankard vomited up a new track from their upcoming album of beer metal, One Foot in the Grave, that’s coming out on June 2nd on Nuclear Blast Records. “Syrian Nightmare” sounds like a lamer version of the already lame modern day Sodom to appeal to social justice warriors and Sally Struthers types. What happened to making dropping payloads of napalm on third world peasant children for crispy, cancerous death sound like trends mosh core fun for people in tight, patched up denim tuxedos and high top sneakers to mosh to? “Feed the Syrian Children” is incredibly boring. War is a natural form of entropy. Why don’t yuppies want to live a healthy, all-natural life style?

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Evil Invaders Announce Feed Me Violence

Recently and rightfully deported Z-list speed metal rehashers Evil Invaders announced on their Funbook page that they have a new album of trends mosh core fun coming out. Feed Me Violence comes out September 29th on Napalm Records. Evil Invaders promised to sell out and have lame glam metal choruses like Testament. You know this is going to stink like a bathroom stall at a truck stop with a few holes drilled into the dividers.

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Death Yell Premiere “Soulless” From Upcoming Descent Into Hell

Chilean death metal band Death Yell premiered a new track off their upcoming debut album Descent Into Hell, which comes out in August on Hells Headbangers. “Soulless” is an unremarkable but inoffensive riff salad. I don’t remember anything about five minutes after listening to it twice other than it reminded me more of Teutonic speed metal than death metal. The album probably won’t be that great and Death Yell will probably end up opening for other Chilean bands such as Pentagram (Chile), Ripper or Unaussprechlichen Kulten.

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Metalucifer Release “We Are Still Metal Kids” Video

Metalucifer, the heavy metal loving parody side project of Gezol from Sabbat (Japan), released a new video to Youtube from their upcoming split 7″ with Sabbat. “We Are Still Metal Kids” is a  disposable, haphazard parody of NWOBHM bands such as Iron Maiden and Judas Priest just like all other Metalucifer songs . It will also eventually appear on an upcoming album to be released on Iron Pegasus / R.I.P Records. Metalucifer’s previous albums (Heavy Metal Drill, Heavy Metal Chainsaw, and Heavy Metal Bulldozer) and all of their other cash grab releases are all pretty much disposable kitsch but still better than most of the war metal, metalcore, and crypto-indie rock the Funderground attempts to force down our throats.

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Relapse Announce Probably Excremental New Supergroup Expulsion

Sell-out sludge label Relapse Records announced that they have signed a new “supergroup” named Expulsion, who of course have a new record, Nightmare Future, coming out on July 14th. Expulsion features members of grind originators Repulsion, Phobia, party metallers Exhumed, , and the excrement pushers known as Gruesome. Hopefully Repulsion guitarist Matt Olivo brings some actual riffs to Nightmare Future and doesn’t just ape his past success to play double the festivals with double the beer, double the moshes, double the core, double the trends, and double the fun.

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Bangladesh Deporting Krisiun

Bangadesh continued the worldwide governmental war on mediocre speed metal by arranging to deport mediocre Brazilian speed metal band Krisiun for supposedly blaspheming against monotheism and Islam in the lyrics to their music. Krisiun were in the overwhelmingly Muslim third world country to play a sold-out festival. Bangladeshi metal fans should man up and listen to better metal bands now. Krisiun then confirmed that they were special snowflakes who believe in equality for all people, creeds, things, places, trees, and toilet paper brands regardless of their quality, proficiency, or absorbency:

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