Hipsters Discover That Black Metal Musicians Are Bad

Another scandal!  Yes folks, for the fourth time in the past two or three weeks, hipster journalists and fake metal fans are shocked and appalled that a black metal musician has done something immoral.  Despite black metal being a music genre for 30 years, smelly neckbeard losers and dreadlocked trust fund crusties are figuratively (though literally in some cases) throwing their own feces every time they catch a mid-tier black metal musician doing something not socially acceptable.  This time, the horrific act came from Marduk, whose purchasing of German World War II merchandise from a sketchy online retailer made them too evil for a fest called Stockholm Slaughter (who apparently think slaughter is cool, but just not when it pertains to 1940s Europe).

Because millennials are too dumb to learn any history that doesn’t involve student loans, let’s quickly look back and see if any criminal or immoral things were done by the original black metal bands.  Maybe there’s something that we can learn from  that fateful 1990s Norwegian scene:

Band                   Criminal/Immoral Act

Burzum                Murder, violating parole with a shitload of explosives, arson, Nazism, white supremacy

Dimmu Borgir    Using the N word in an interview/proclaiming the desire to genocide Africans

Emperor              Hate crime murder of a homosexual, arson

Gorgoroth           Rape, battery and torture, violation of Poland’s animal rights laws, homosexuality

Immortal             Arson

Mayhem              Murder, 2nd degree murder, arson, public mutilation, trashing hotels

Satyricon            Rape, arson, rape

Thorns                2nd degree murder

I’m sorry to break this to everyone living in a liberal bubble, but a painfully obvious truth exists:  black metal musicians are bad men.

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BASED VARG CAN’T BE BOUGHT

Varg Vikernes is one of the rare musicians in death/black metal that won’t sell his soul for the dollar.  In a new video posted to his Thulean Perspective YouTube channel, Varg has revealed that some scumbag promoter has at one point offered over £ 300,000 for him to do a live Burzum show in London.  While many in black metal swore never to play live, almost everyone ranging from Darkthrone to Graveland has given in at some point.  But with the most notorious metal musician in the genre’s history, blood is thicker than water and that’s never been more prevalent than now.

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Troll 2 and (the Joy of) Miscategorized Metal

Tower Records and Musicland didn’t seem to have much the other day.  So I went by Camelot music instead. I was wearing my old green Slayer demon head shirt. I had built up points at that store, and they gave me a free purple shirt with their logo on it. I hated the shirt and donated it to Goodwill.  In the metal section was the cassette soundtrack to Troll 2. I was almost certain this was a mis-categorization.  I didn’t have the money to buy it that day and it sold out before I could get my hands on it.

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Victory Over Peace

There are those who would make us think that peace is essential for life. They demand we must reconcile all manner of disagreements and simply live happily together. In reality, what happens in a real compromise (if indeed it is a compromise) is that every one involved gets a bit of what he bargained for. It is not unlike Celtic Frost, a.k.a. the failed post-Hellhammer experiment that tried going mainstream a step at a time. By the time the band released Into the Pandemonium it was clear that by trying to bring the monster of underground black/death metal into the light they only degenerated it into a joke that no one, except masochists, want to ever hear again. The reader may want to attribute the downfall of Celtic Frost to a host of other causes, but the decision was in fact simple: give in to niceties and benefits through a compromise, or keep on fighting, towards a transcendental victory.
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A.V. Club Editor David Anthony Posts Metal Hit List

Social justice warrior hipster scumbag David Anthony of communist multimedia shill website The A.V. Club (owned by The Onion) thinks that heavy metal has a Nazi problem. David Anthony is a bitchy, neurotic pinko throwing a fit that certain musicians who want to kill everyone as all humans are damn, dirty apes are not particularly fond of the concept of arbitrarily protected classes of people. The AV Club think that mildly successful and average death metal band Disma should be publicly hanged, drawn, and quartered in front of all of the proletariat as former Incantation frontman Craig Pillard released a National Socialist themed techno album over a decade ago. Nobody is spared from David Anthony’s hit list. Joining Pillard in the AV Club’s metal pogrom are Inquisition, AbsurdLemmy from Motorhead, Slayer (especially Tom Araya), Varg Vikernes, Deafheaven, Antichrist Kramer, Lord Mantis, and No Colours Records. Anthony also cited two quotes from Mayhem drummer Hellhammer‘s interview in Until the Light Takes Us as of course closet case David Anthony does not listen to black metal and only watched the movie. The only relatively unknown dirt he dug up was Lord Mantis fucking a transvestite but that was from a Vice interview he probably bookmarked due to the graphic description of a casual homosexual encounter.

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Burzum’s Top Ten Metal Influences

Varg Vikernes posted a video a few weeks ago to his ThuleanPerspective Youtube channel listing the ten metal albums most influential to Burzum. We forced a lowly, supple-assed Death Metal Underground junior staffer/catamite to type them up into a play list for our readers:

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Metal Will Never Die

Online music magazine Perfect Sound Forever (nice job stealing the 1980s advertising slogan for the then new CD format) recently posted a piece entitled “Metal For the New Millennium” by an idiotic hipster named Cam Netland who said that metal was a limited music genre as result of being a “as an offset of rock music”. Netland claims that metal became “more hardcore” as a result of the “radicalization” of other genres in this period citing staid examples such as Bad Brains (softened hardcore punk for idiotic affirmative action multi-culturalists) and Public Enemy (rap made into pop music with tough street gang lyrics to make suburban white jocks feel good about their short penises). He goes onto claim that metal is divided into many “micro-genres” and that the new millennium has seen the rise of many new ones such as what Neton terms Babymetal‘s grass-eater Japanese pop music, djent (random post-hardcore jazz fusion) Deafheaven‘s “blackgaze” (screamo pretending to be tough that is neither black metal nor shoegaze), and Vektor‘s random techno speed metal idiocy. Netland cites such turd non-metal albums as MastodonLeviathan (alternative rock), Converge – Jane Doe (post-hardcore math rock), and System of a Down – Toxicity (nu-“metal” which is in actuality of course rap rock).

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Varg on Killing Euronymous

Varg Vikernes of Burzum posted a video a while back about how he was convicted for the “murder” of Mayhem mastermind Euronymous. Varg states again that Euronymous had long planned to kidnap, torture, and murder him in the forests, that he stabbed Euronymous in self-defense, and that most of Euronymous’s 23 wounds were from broken glass he fell on. Want to know how Varg was set up by the Norwegian legal system and how his lawyer did an inadequate job defending him from the falsified evidence thrown at him? Let’s find out!

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New York Times Accuses Varg Vikernes of Being “Alt-Right”

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Democratic Party shilling and identity politics peddling newspaper the New York Times labeled Varg Vikernes of Burzum as “alt-right” in yet another social justice warring piece whining about Donald Trump’s triumph. “Alt-right” has seemingly become a new scarlet letter for neoliberal propagandists to paint their conservative opponents who aren’t the Republican Party’s traditional Christian and business interest constituents. Modern leftists can never appeal to the competent, gainfully employed, and rational so they must constantly invent new slurs to slander those who see straight through the thin veneer of the liberal social narrative plastered over urban societal rot.

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#Metalgate: The A.V.Club Gets Burzum Merch Pulled From Wal-Mart

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Hipster multimedia review website The A.V. Club accused Wal-Mart of “normalizing” Burzum by stocking Burzum‘s merchandise online through a third party a few days ago. Wal-Mart pulled all of their Burzum merchandise today. The A.V. Club fails to understand that Burzum was a major metal innovator and tabloid fodder, making Varg Vikernes about as well-known as actual black metal will ever get.

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