Sabaton Shills For World of Tanks

Military history obsessed Swedish power metal and glam rock band Sabaton is now advertising for and having their music featured in the Belarussian massively multiplayer tank shoot-out game World of Tanks according to BlabbermouthWorld of Tanks is a Russian free-to-play, usually pay-to-win game that plays like a slightly more realistic, team based version of Battlezone. Players can choose to drive hundreds of tanks from the 20th century with the ones recently added to the game that players usually have to shell out to use being slightly more powerful before being nerfed into mediocrity. The game is most popular in Eastern Europe and East Asia among teenage boys.

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Venom Inc. Release “Dein Fleisch” Video

Venom have split into two bands just like so many others. Chronos fronts “Venom” now while “drummer” Abaddon and”guitarist” Mantas play in “Venom Inc.” with new idiot on the mic.

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Tankard Belch “Syrian Nightmare”

Tankard vomited up a new track from their upcoming album of beer metal, One Foot in the Grave, that’s coming out on June 2nd on Nuclear Blast Records. “Syrian Nightmare” sounds like a lamer version of the already lame modern day Sodom to appeal to social justice warriors and Sally Struthers types. What happened to making dropping payloads of napalm on third world peasant children for crispy, cancerous death sound like trends mosh core fun for people in tight, patched up denim tuxedos and high top sneakers to mosh to? “Feed the Syrian Children” is incredibly boring. War is a natural form of entropy. Why don’t yuppies want to live a healthy, all-natural life style?

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Enslaved Finish Recording New Album For Beardos

Sell-out formerly black metal band Enslaved has finished recording another indie rock album for Nuclear Blast Records. Expect every fat guy in flannel with neck pubes to love it almost as much as he loves the smell of putrid mayonnaise that gets stuck in the beard like little white dingle berries.

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New Suffocation Record “Put Together Right on the Spot”

In a recent promotional video for Suffocation‘s upcoming not so great album …Of the Dark Light, frontman Frank Mullen admitted that since the band members live all over the place and not in one centralized area, have lives outside of Suffocation, and don’t really practice as much anymore “so a lot of stuff was put together kinda like right on the spot.” Rhythm guitarist Charlie Errigo said “It’s like a videogame. It’s like each riff is a level and you got that hard riff that’s the boss.”

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Nuclear Blast Signs Possessed

Article by Cullen Toner.

In an attempt to swiftly cash in on both the trend of retro 80’s rehash and the trend to sell the world’s most fragile human beings as the new face of metal, Nuclear Blast has signed the crippled remains of the once titanic death metal band Possessed. Despite the band being active since 2007, the timing was appropriate now due to the liberal media’s executed agenda of celebrating and overcompensating for society’s weakest members. The hipster metal community’s plastic face of acceptance will be tested mightily as the urge to cringe upon viewing the sorry state of the band’s handicapped turf leader will be difficult to resist.

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Suffocation Release “Return To The Abyss” Lyric Video

Suffocation released a new lyric video of their upcoming, awful phoned-in album, …Of the Dark Light. Suffocation have dumbed themselves down to mediocre speed metal with generic riffs rehashed from their classic material prior to their 1998, post Despise the Sun breakup. Return to the Abyss is incredibly boring. Do not buy this phoned in excuse to tour. Do not see Suffocation on tour without Frank Mullen.

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