Euronymous: Black Metal’s First Hipster


Article contributed to Death Metal Underground by Cullen Toner.

Many of the pariahs seen infesting contemporary American black metal – communism, narcissism, an illusion of extremism – can be traced back to one man: Euroynmous of Mayhem.
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Mayhem Tour, Washington, DC Stop Review


Article contributed to Death Metal Underground by Mike Alexander’s friend who is a Bill & Ted type of guy, you know.

I saw Mayhem play De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, the only album of theirs that actually counts of course, last week at the Howard Theater in Washington, DC so I wanted to tell my fellow Death Metal Underground readers what’s happening inside the ANUS of this tour. That was surely an ironic choice of venue the band made there. Playing a black theater in a historically black city was strange for a band whose drummer, Hellhammer, is a badass drummer who hits like a fucking beast like a German in a tank trying to conquer Africa back from his historic racial enemies, the Polish and the Africans and Hellhammer is Greek or something so how can these losers with nothing better to do claim he’s even racist you know? Also practicing under their swastika banners and shit like that they shouldve brought out to steam roll all the drunk hipsters instead of comic book covers to hide behind onstage. I had to check this shit out to see if some shit would go down. I wanted to see if the gig would rule or if any crazy shit from hipsters, communists, or any other idiot life forms that could come out of a UFO or something would be real you know and prevent Mayhem from pounding my face in you know.

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Metal Will Never Die

Online music magazine Perfect Sound Forever (nice job stealing the 1980s advertising slogan for the then new CD format) recently posted a piece entitled “Metal For the New Millennium” by an idiotic hipster named Cam Netland who said that metal was a limited music genre as result of being a “as an offset of rock music”. Netland claims that metal became “more hardcore” as a result of the “radicalization” of other genres in this period citing staid examples such as Bad Brains (softened hardcore punk for idiotic affirmative action multi-culturalists) and Public Enemy (rap made into pop music with tough street gang lyrics to make suburban white jocks feel good about their short penises). He goes onto claim that metal is divided into many “micro-genres” and that the new millennium has seen the rise of many new ones such as what Neton terms Babymetal‘s grass-eater Japanese pop music, djent (random post-hardcore jazz fusion) Deafheaven‘s “blackgaze” (screamo pretending to be tough that is neither black metal nor shoegaze), and Vektor‘s random techno speed metal idiocy. Netland cites such turd non-metal albums as MastodonLeviathan (alternative rock), Converge – Jane Doe (post-hardcore math rock), and System of a Down – Toxicity (nu-“metal” which is in actuality of course rap rock).

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Hipsters Fetishize Cassettes

Compact cassette music sales rose 140% over last year. Wow, noise, and flutter! How quaint. Hipsters have declared their love for a format that, unlike the vinyl LP, does not even sound particularly good. The most commonplace Dolby noise reduction systems in most cassette decks cause immense loss of high end detail. Most hipsters collecting cassettes can’t even find a player with a properly aligned tape head. Most will probably be using ghetto blasters or Talkboys as they were six in 1992 when Home Alone 2 came out.

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SJWs Whine about Trump’s Triumph

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The social justice warrior punk scene parasites attempting to infiltrate metal and censor it according to their visions of social realism in their ideal future multicultural socialist workers paradise like Venezuela have been whining over the defeat of Hillary Clinton by Donald Trump in the Americen presidential elections this week. The American populace decisively shot down the leftist attempts to create a new world order and now the unemployable are rioting in the streets demanding that Trump be impeached as Hillary won the popular vote. Want to know what prominent crusts attempting to infiltrate heavy metal think about Trump’s triumph? Let’s find out!

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Bolzer Blow Up

bolzer-hipster-pug

Hipster alternative rock band Bolzer blew up at Death Metal Underground on their Funbook page for telling the world what the first preview track, “I AM III”, from their upcoming album Hero actually was: vocal harmony focused alternative rock with generic riffing in the middle for no reason other than to pretend that their random music is metal and to “connect” two unrelated rock parts. Our staff’s commentary is after the jump.

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Dave Mustaine Tells Off MetalSucks

dave mustaine twitter

Megadeth‘s management dropped rehashed speed metal band Havok from being the first openers everyone will skip on Megadeth’s major fall mainstream metal tour with Amon Amarth, Metal Church, and Suicidal Tendencies for refusing to sign a contract.  Continue reading Dave Mustaine Tells Off MetalSucks

#Metalgate: Axl Rosenberg of MetalSucks Calls for Pogroms Against Destroyer 666 and Nails

axl rosenberg

Axl Rosenberg, the founder of social justice warrior metalcore website MetalSucks, called blackened glam metal band Destroyer 666 racist over frontman K.K. Warslut’s altercation with masked antifacist thugs at a Danish festival. Earlier Rosenberg called Todd Jones from sludgecore band Nails a “scene bully” for titling their new album You Will Never Be One of Us, which he took as directed against social justice warrior internet agitators like himself.

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